Wanting to be good enough

Sadly, it didn't work out with the guy. Yes, the nicest guy in the world. He came into my city to meet me and I couldn't relax and I was worried about certain things and I just couldn't freakin' relax for two seconds. And it was awkward and I couldn't take it. I got so freakin' scared.

By the time I met him in person I was very nervous about it but also very excited because I'd really come to enjoy our conversations. I just liked him so much from what I knew about him.

And then it was downhill. I freaked out and after our meeting I was a nervous wreck and finally I knew that since I wasn't able to relax again, I needed to let it go.

Amazingly, he's the one who decided. I respect him so much for his decisions in regards to us.

We were talking and I told him about how nervous I was and he recommended we don't talk for a week. And then two days later when I told him that I had come to terms with the fact that at this point in time I am just not in the right head space to really give this a chance, he said that two days ago, already, he'd come to terms with the fact that for the forseeable future we're just friends.

Admitedly, it actually is a little weird to me, the way he reacted and dealt with it. I don't even get it. I mean, he was right but it feels almost like something off with how he concluded things and, well, he really took charge. Even though I was the one going through all this emotional stuff, he sort of took charge, in a way, through it.

Anyway, after all that, we decided we'll just be friends, no expectations from each other, we can talk to each other whenever we want...

And today I was thinking. I was thinking that I want to be good enough for him. Normal enough. Healthy enough. Un-selfish enough, mature enough.

Ah, to be mature. Ah to be self-assured...