So excited, can't sleep

It's 4:30am. I randomly woke up at 3:30am, got up for a bit, took a pain killer for my cramps, and then tried to go back to sleep.

Nope. Aint happenin'.

I'm just so psyched that my mind won't stop racing.

Tonight was a big Chanuka party. I started my last post saying that it was too bad that it didn't work out with the "nicest guy" but it's not too bad! Otherwise, I couldn't have had so much fun tonight.

I am so thoroughly enjoying being "out there", talking to guys, enjoying talking to cute, sexy guys. Sigh... so much fun. I don't think I've ever enjoyed it this much. Just really going out and talking to so many people.

I was so happy that I didn't end up stuck with the people I know already the whole time. Of course there were times when I did, and that was nice, but I really worked the crowd and that was really fun.

There is this very like, typical cute guy who my friend made sure I met at the Jewish Xmas eve party. I seriously don't have much to talk to him about but he's really nice to look at. Don't get me wrong. He's nice. But seriously, I just don't know if I'm capable of having a really nice, flowing conversation with him.

So in good spirit, I kept introducing him to people, it just so happened many girls were included in that, and at one point I sort of saw a potential shidduch : ) and introduced him to this very cool, pretty girl I met. And then they went on and talked for what to me felt like forever!

Of course I meant to introduce them but then I was jealous because I want the cute boy to myself, even if I don't have much in common with him and even though I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me.

And so, I was happy when he came back to talk to me after the other girl left. Haha. So funny.

Come on... Do I really know he's not interested in me? Well, that is my gut feeling but I don't really know that. Can't I give myself a little more credit than to assume (well, sort of assume) that the cute guy is obviously not interested in me?

Anyway, I just had so many conversations with so many people... It's like sensory overload, the whole night. I was there for almost 4 whole hours! And I had 2 beers and the music was so loud and talking to all those people.... So much to take in.

Another few things happened. First of all, at the beginning of the night I was rude to a couple of people. I was helping in the kitchen a bit and a couple of people were coming by the kitchen and acting annoying. One guy was complaining that the latkes we were sending out were cold but he just wouldn't stop saying it and I finally gave him this whole thing about how we felt terrible, from the bottom of our hearts, and "We have taken note of the matter," something like that. I felt so bad. He's an older man too. I was so rude!

And then another guy came. At least he's a peer. And I can't remember exactly what he was doing but he was also acting annoying. Acting as if he came to help but really he just wanted his latke already. And I called him on it. Even though I don't even really know that! It was so mean in both cases! I'm not sure if I should apologize or just let it pass. I'm embarrassed to see them, especially the older dude... Sigh....

So, during and after my 2nd beer I was feeling very... happy, shall we say. And I was talking to the cute guy and a few other people who I was happy to be talking to. We even talked about classical music and stuff. But meanwhile I was wondering how I'd get home. I had smsed the person who lives really close to me, um, assuming that since we live right next to each other, he'd think of giving me a lift. I really wonder what happened there. I smsed him and didn't hear back for a while. Finally I smsed again and he finally answered telling me he'd already left.

I'd been counting on him - even if I hadn't communicated it - and suddenly there I was, quite tipsy still, and needing to find my own way home. My bus is really close by but "close by" is a very bad neighbourhood.

Anyway, I bumped into a friend on the way out. Actually, we don't know each other that well but we've become more friendly lately. I mentioned to him what happened and he offered to wait at the bus stop with me. After we left he said instead of waiting at the stop we should catch a cab. My place is sort of on the way to his and he said he'd pay for it.

So we ended up walking through the streets, trying to catch a cab. We walked straight through oy-vey-ville. I was tipsy but I still noticed people loitering and a couple of people who looked like their faces didn't remember the last time they saw blood. I wasn't scared of them. I'm not sure why. I was just walking through people who were just so nebach. Such miskeinim. Yiddish and Hebrew. Is there a good word in English for this?

We walked quite a bit before we finally caught a cab. It was so nice of him to take me home. And I feel pretty comfortable with him. It's amazing how some people I feel comfortable with and some I don't. I believe it's my instinct telling me something. And I'm really enjoying spending time with men.

Speaking of which, this guy who I met online at a dating site, I told him about the parties the last few days and he's started coming to these Jewish events but him I'm not sure about. It's like there's something fishy about him... And, 2 days ago he added me as a facebook friend and since then he's deleted me! It's really strange. I'm not sure why he'd do that.

I hope I didn't just introduce a total weirdo - or worse - into the community. Oy vey.

OK, I must sleep! It's 5:15. I have posted on the cute guy's wall about some classical music we'd discussed last night.

So much to process. And of course the best would be to process it in my sleep but my mind won't stop racing! Hopefully now it will let me rest. I do have work tomorrow!

Wanting to be good enough

Sadly, it didn't work out with the guy. Yes, the nicest guy in the world. He came into my city to meet me and I couldn't relax and I was worried about certain things and I just couldn't freakin' relax for two seconds. And it was awkward and I couldn't take it. I got so freakin' scared.

By the time I met him in person I was very nervous about it but also very excited because I'd really come to enjoy our conversations. I just liked him so much from what I knew about him.

And then it was downhill. I freaked out and after our meeting I was a nervous wreck and finally I knew that since I wasn't able to relax again, I needed to let it go.

Amazingly, he's the one who decided. I respect him so much for his decisions in regards to us.

We were talking and I told him about how nervous I was and he recommended we don't talk for a week. And then two days later when I told him that I had come to terms with the fact that at this point in time I am just not in the right head space to really give this a chance, he said that two days ago, already, he'd come to terms with the fact that for the forseeable future we're just friends.

Admitedly, it actually is a little weird to me, the way he reacted and dealt with it. I don't even get it. I mean, he was right but it feels almost like something off with how he concluded things and, well, he really took charge. Even though I was the one going through all this emotional stuff, he sort of took charge, in a way, through it.

Anyway, after all that, we decided we'll just be friends, no expectations from each other, we can talk to each other whenever we want...

And today I was thinking. I was thinking that I want to be good enough for him. Normal enough. Healthy enough. Un-selfish enough, mature enough.

Ah, to be mature. Ah to be self-assured...