It's 4:30am. I randomly woke up at 3:30am, got up for a bit, took a pain killer for my cramps, and then tried to go back to sleep.
Nope. Aint happenin'.
I'm just so psyched that my mind won't stop racing.
Tonight was a big Chanuka party. I started my last post saying that it was too bad that it didn't work out with the "nicest guy" but it's not too bad! Otherwise, I couldn't have had so much fun tonight.
I am so thoroughly enjoying being "out there", talking to guys, enjoying talking to cute, sexy guys. Sigh... so much fun. I don't think I've ever enjoyed it this much. Just really going out and talking to so many people.
I was so happy that I didn't end up stuck with the people I know already the whole time. Of course there were times when I did, and that was nice, but I really worked the crowd and that was really fun.
There is this very like, typical cute guy who my friend made sure I met at the Jewish Xmas eve party. I seriously don't have much to talk to him about but he's really nice to look at. Don't get me wrong. He's nice. But seriously, I just don't know if I'm capable of having a really nice, flowing conversation with him.
So in good spirit, I kept introducing him to people, it just so happened many girls were included in that, and at one point I sort of saw a potential shidduch : ) and introduced him to this very cool, pretty girl I met. And then they went on and talked for what to me felt like forever!
Of course I meant to introduce them but then I was jealous because I want the cute boy to myself, even if I don't have much in common with him and even though I'm pretty sure he's not interested in me.
And so, I was happy when he came back to talk to me after the other girl left. Haha. So funny.
Come on... Do I really know he's not interested in me? Well, that is my gut feeling but I don't really know that. Can't I give myself a little more credit than to assume (well, sort of assume) that the cute guy is obviously not interested in me?
Anyway, I just had so many conversations with so many people... It's like sensory overload, the whole night. I was there for almost 4 whole hours! And I had 2 beers and the music was so loud and talking to all those people.... So much to take in.
Another few things happened. First of all, at the beginning of the night I was rude to a couple of people. I was helping in the kitchen a bit and a couple of people were coming by the kitchen and acting annoying. One guy was complaining that the latkes we were sending out were cold but he just wouldn't stop saying it and I finally gave him this whole thing about how we felt terrible, from the bottom of our hearts, and "We have taken note of the matter," something like that. I felt so bad. He's an older man too. I was so rude!
And then another guy came. At least he's a peer. And I can't remember exactly what he was doing but he was also acting annoying. Acting as if he came to help but really he just wanted his latke already. And I called him on it. Even though I don't even really know that! It was so mean in both cases! I'm not sure if I should apologize or just let it pass. I'm embarrassed to see them, especially the older dude... Sigh....
So, during and after my 2nd beer I was feeling very... happy, shall we say. And I was talking to the cute guy and a few other people who I was happy to be talking to. We even talked about classical music and stuff. But meanwhile I was wondering how I'd get home. I had smsed the person who lives really close to me, um, assuming that since we live right next to each other, he'd think of giving me a lift. I really wonder what happened there. I smsed him and didn't hear back for a while. Finally I smsed again and he finally answered telling me he'd already left.
I'd been counting on him - even if I hadn't communicated it - and suddenly there I was, quite tipsy still, and needing to find my own way home. My bus is really close by but "close by" is a very bad neighbourhood.
Anyway, I bumped into a friend on the way out. Actually, we don't know each other that well but we've become more friendly lately. I mentioned to him what happened and he offered to wait at the bus stop with me. After we left he said instead of waiting at the stop we should catch a cab. My place is sort of on the way to his and he said he'd pay for it.
So we ended up walking through the streets, trying to catch a cab. We walked straight through oy-vey-ville. I was tipsy but I still noticed people loitering and a couple of people who looked like their faces didn't remember the last time they saw blood. I wasn't scared of them. I'm not sure why. I was just walking through people who were just so nebach. Such miskeinim. Yiddish and Hebrew. Is there a good word in English for this?
We walked quite a bit before we finally caught a cab. It was so nice of him to take me home. And I feel pretty comfortable with him. It's amazing how some people I feel comfortable with and some I don't. I believe it's my instinct telling me something. And I'm really enjoying spending time with men.
Speaking of which, this guy who I met online at a dating site, I told him about the parties the last few days and he's started coming to these Jewish events but him I'm not sure about. It's like there's something fishy about him... And, 2 days ago he added me as a facebook friend and since then he's deleted me! It's really strange. I'm not sure why he'd do that.
I hope I didn't just introduce a total weirdo - or worse - into the community. Oy vey.
OK, I must sleep! It's 5:15. I have posted on the cute guy's wall about some classical music we'd discussed last night.
So much to process. And of course the best would be to process it in my sleep but my mind won't stop racing! Hopefully now it will let me rest. I do have work tomorrow!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 08, 2008
Wanting to be good enough
Sadly, it didn't work out with the guy. Yes, the nicest guy in the world. He came into my city to meet me and I couldn't relax and I was worried about certain things and I just couldn't freakin' relax for two seconds. And it was awkward and I couldn't take it. I got so freakin' scared.
By the time I met him in person I was very nervous about it but also very excited because I'd really come to enjoy our conversations. I just liked him so much from what I knew about him.
And then it was downhill. I freaked out and after our meeting I was a nervous wreck and finally I knew that since I wasn't able to relax again, I needed to let it go.
Amazingly, he's the one who decided. I respect him so much for his decisions in regards to us.
We were talking and I told him about how nervous I was and he recommended we don't talk for a week. And then two days later when I told him that I had come to terms with the fact that at this point in time I am just not in the right head space to really give this a chance, he said that two days ago, already, he'd come to terms with the fact that for the forseeable future we're just friends.
Admitedly, it actually is a little weird to me, the way he reacted and dealt with it. I don't even get it. I mean, he was right but it feels almost like something off with how he concluded things and, well, he really took charge. Even though I was the one going through all this emotional stuff, he sort of took charge, in a way, through it.
Anyway, after all that, we decided we'll just be friends, no expectations from each other, we can talk to each other whenever we want...
And today I was thinking. I was thinking that I want to be good enough for him. Normal enough. Healthy enough. Un-selfish enough, mature enough.
Ah, to be mature. Ah to be self-assured...
By the time I met him in person I was very nervous about it but also very excited because I'd really come to enjoy our conversations. I just liked him so much from what I knew about him.
And then it was downhill. I freaked out and after our meeting I was a nervous wreck and finally I knew that since I wasn't able to relax again, I needed to let it go.
Amazingly, he's the one who decided. I respect him so much for his decisions in regards to us.
We were talking and I told him about how nervous I was and he recommended we don't talk for a week. And then two days later when I told him that I had come to terms with the fact that at this point in time I am just not in the right head space to really give this a chance, he said that two days ago, already, he'd come to terms with the fact that for the forseeable future we're just friends.
Admitedly, it actually is a little weird to me, the way he reacted and dealt with it. I don't even get it. I mean, he was right but it feels almost like something off with how he concluded things and, well, he really took charge. Even though I was the one going through all this emotional stuff, he sort of took charge, in a way, through it.
Anyway, after all that, we decided we'll just be friends, no expectations from each other, we can talk to each other whenever we want...
And today I was thinking. I was thinking that I want to be good enough for him. Normal enough. Healthy enough. Un-selfish enough, mature enough.
Ah, to be mature. Ah to be self-assured...
Saturday, November 22, 2008
How to love yourself
Today at Friday night dinner I was talking to the Rebbetzin. We spoke about the importance of loving yourself. Specifically she was talking about the idea that when you're in a relationship, if you love yourself then you're much better in the relationship. But I told her that I really wasn't sure how to get myself to love myself. She gave me such wise advice. So simple and doable!
She said that you have to think about what makes you love or like others and appreciate those things in yourself. If you really respect honesty, then be honest and you'll love yourself. If you love when people try hard, persevere, try to make good decisions, search for Truth, try to be good to others, then work on being that.
She said that she doesn't believe that people can just automatically love themselves. They need to be what they would love in others.
I do have a little bit of an issue with it because there is the idea of being able to love someone regardless of what they do but for me it's really helpful because I'm really hard on myself, expecting so much. But once I put it in the context of someone else - meaning, I ask myself, what if someone else was acting like this? - then it helps put it in perspective.
I left feeling quite good about myself because I was thinking about what an amazing person I am. I am worked so hard to get to where I am. I care so much about living a meaningful life. I care so much about being good to others.
Wow. I'm experiencing something so interesting as I write this. I'm feeling discomfort when I write those good things about myself, questioning if those are true. Amazing how difficult it is for me to say good things about myself. Because I know they aren't 100% true. I don't always care for life to be meaningful. I don't always work hard. I don't always care about others and I for sure don't always act in ways that show that I care to be good to others. I am often selfish and self-centred.
Ah... That I can write comfortably.
Why am I so hard on myself? When people talk about loving yourself, blah blah blah... well, I think it's just that. Blah blah blah. What do you mean, love yourself? Hm?
So interesting.... When I left the dinner tonight I really did feel great about myself, thinking about how wonderful I am. I just felt like the top of the world. So I guess I am capable of having those feelings but then something else comes, this dark side that doesn't want to let me just relax, and says, "Come on. You serious? You're great? I mean, you're OK. I'll give you that. But really wonderful? I dunno..."
Loving yourself takes a lot of work.
Shabbat Shalom. :)
QE
She said that you have to think about what makes you love or like others and appreciate those things in yourself. If you really respect honesty, then be honest and you'll love yourself. If you love when people try hard, persevere, try to make good decisions, search for Truth, try to be good to others, then work on being that.
She said that she doesn't believe that people can just automatically love themselves. They need to be what they would love in others.
I do have a little bit of an issue with it because there is the idea of being able to love someone regardless of what they do but for me it's really helpful because I'm really hard on myself, expecting so much. But once I put it in the context of someone else - meaning, I ask myself, what if someone else was acting like this? - then it helps put it in perspective.
I left feeling quite good about myself because I was thinking about what an amazing person I am. I am worked so hard to get to where I am. I care so much about living a meaningful life. I care so much about being good to others.
Wow. I'm experiencing something so interesting as I write this. I'm feeling discomfort when I write those good things about myself, questioning if those are true. Amazing how difficult it is for me to say good things about myself. Because I know they aren't 100% true. I don't always care for life to be meaningful. I don't always work hard. I don't always care about others and I for sure don't always act in ways that show that I care to be good to others. I am often selfish and self-centred.
Ah... That I can write comfortably.
Why am I so hard on myself? When people talk about loving yourself, blah blah blah... well, I think it's just that. Blah blah blah. What do you mean, love yourself? Hm?
So interesting.... When I left the dinner tonight I really did feel great about myself, thinking about how wonderful I am. I just felt like the top of the world. So I guess I am capable of having those feelings but then something else comes, this dark side that doesn't want to let me just relax, and says, "Come on. You serious? You're great? I mean, you're OK. I'll give you that. But really wonderful? I dunno..."
Loving yourself takes a lot of work.
Shabbat Shalom. :)
QE
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The blurb on my blog
Until today, this is what it said on the top of my blog:
Today, April 20th 2006, I am changing this description. The point of my life right now, in all its crazy upheaval, is to get to know myself the best I can. Who am I? This blog is going to join me on that journey. Let's see what I decide to change it to.
Today, April 20th 2006, I am changing this description. The point of my life right now, in all its crazy upheaval, is to get to know myself the best I can. Who am I? This blog is going to join me on that journey. Let's see what I decide to change it to.
But what about the perfectionist and control freak thing?
So funny how I wrote a whole post about one thing, totally ignoring the title of the post. Truthfully, I just like interesting titles. I mean, they do have truth in my reality but I often don't end up writing about everything in my titles.
But really, what am I referring to? I am referring to my attempt to fulfill my dream and do writing. But I'm so freaked out by it, scared of failure and scared of my writing not being good, that I'm finding myself frozen by the fear. I am not writing nearly as much as I should be.
I am also not approaching one of my amazing job offers in the way I wish I was. I just want to go for it, try it out, see how it works out. But instead I'm fucking frozen in place.
And this, I think, is because I'm a control freak - I cannot face facts that I don't have control over everything - and I'm a perfectionist - I want my writing to be perfect which means I'm a control freak because I don't realize that I don't have full control over how my writing is going to be in the end. All I have control over is spending time and effort doing it. A normal amount of effort and time.
And that's all I have to say about that.
QE
But really, what am I referring to? I am referring to my attempt to fulfill my dream and do writing. But I'm so freaked out by it, scared of failure and scared of my writing not being good, that I'm finding myself frozen by the fear. I am not writing nearly as much as I should be.
I am also not approaching one of my amazing job offers in the way I wish I was. I just want to go for it, try it out, see how it works out. But instead I'm fucking frozen in place.
And this, I think, is because I'm a control freak - I cannot face facts that I don't have control over everything - and I'm a perfectionist - I want my writing to be perfect which means I'm a control freak because I don't realize that I don't have full control over how my writing is going to be in the end. All I have control over is spending time and effort doing it. A normal amount of effort and time.
And that's all I have to say about that.
QE
I'm a control freak, a perfectionist and I'm so lucky
Wow. I'm so lucky. The nicest guy in the world is falling for me. No, seriously. I actually totally feel that way about him. And that's what's do exciting, whatever hesitations I'm having. I really do think he's an absolutely amazing guy. He's so sincere and honest and caring and bold and smart and he calmly asked me tonight if he could come to my city to meet me. "If you're willing to meet me," he says. And he also told me that whenever he hears from me it makes his day.
(btw, we met on a dating website and we live in different cities.)
He said that he's growing more and more fond of me. He said that it's selfish because I make him feel good about himself. I told him that someone once told me that there's a word missing from the English dictionary and it means to take care of yourself but in a good way. Like, it's important to take care of yourself. And I said that it's really good to have someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself so that's good.
What if he's just falling for me because I'm the first person he's met who he can actually connect to? What if I just seem totally amazing after all the other people he's met who are so far removed from what he feels and believes in? Maybe it's just like eating crap food after being starved.
Haha. So funny, coming up with these theories. I'll see what he says.
I really wonder if I'll ever show this blog to anyone.
On a different note, I almost wish the break up from my ex-bf (around 1 month ago) wasn't so peaceful because it can be so hard at times, remembering that it really wasn't good enough with him. I always, always had a knawing feeling. Something that didn't let me love him. Something that didn't let me feel like he's the nicest person in the world. I just couldn't. There were too many things that bothered me. That's why it's pretty exciting with this new guy. When I think about him, I just think about how wonderful he is. I'm amazed at how just totally great he is. Again, there are big hesitations but when I just think about who he is, from what I know so far, I just think, "Yay."
What negative things are there? Well, lets just say that he's enjoying the conversation more than I am.
Also, and probably connected to the first thing, I'm really stressed in general in my life - like unbelievably stressed - and specifically I'm stressed about relationship stuff because I just finished such a long-term relationship.
Everytime anything happens I get this fear and I'm thinking, "Omigosh. I don't want a rerun of the last relationship!"
Wow. I'm just remembering how on the phone tonight he said something that really wasn't helpful for me regarding the issue I'd brought up. So I said, Well, I just don't know if it's fair to tell me not to worry about this and telling me that just doesn't really help me in regards to this." And then I was sort of gonna continue trying to explain to him what I meant and you know what he said, "No, I understand what you're saying." And then he went on to say the right things.
Fucking genius. That's all I have to say.
It's like I have this feeling that I want to make the "right" decisions regarding him because I really wanna give it a chance to succeed. What a guy.
As my best friend says to me, I need to remember that whatever is happening, it is not the same as the last relationship because this is a different person, a different relationship.
I then did mention that my part could be a repetition but then I remembered a certain way that I acted with him that was healthier than I would have with my ex-bf and how it worked out really nicely and she said, "See? It's already different. Because he's a different person, you almost feel like you can act differently because you're getting more of what you want/need from him than you did from your ex."
I never usually use the word "ex", btw. I'm just using it here because I try to keep this annonymous.
Anyway, must sleep.
QE
(btw, we met on a dating website and we live in different cities.)
He said that he's growing more and more fond of me. He said that it's selfish because I make him feel good about himself. I told him that someone once told me that there's a word missing from the English dictionary and it means to take care of yourself but in a good way. Like, it's important to take care of yourself. And I said that it's really good to have someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself so that's good.
What if he's just falling for me because I'm the first person he's met who he can actually connect to? What if I just seem totally amazing after all the other people he's met who are so far removed from what he feels and believes in? Maybe it's just like eating crap food after being starved.
Haha. So funny, coming up with these theories. I'll see what he says.
I really wonder if I'll ever show this blog to anyone.
On a different note, I almost wish the break up from my ex-bf (around 1 month ago) wasn't so peaceful because it can be so hard at times, remembering that it really wasn't good enough with him. I always, always had a knawing feeling. Something that didn't let me love him. Something that didn't let me feel like he's the nicest person in the world. I just couldn't. There were too many things that bothered me. That's why it's pretty exciting with this new guy. When I think about him, I just think about how wonderful he is. I'm amazed at how just totally great he is. Again, there are big hesitations but when I just think about who he is, from what I know so far, I just think, "Yay."
What negative things are there? Well, lets just say that he's enjoying the conversation more than I am.
Also, and probably connected to the first thing, I'm really stressed in general in my life - like unbelievably stressed - and specifically I'm stressed about relationship stuff because I just finished such a long-term relationship.
Everytime anything happens I get this fear and I'm thinking, "Omigosh. I don't want a rerun of the last relationship!"
Wow. I'm just remembering how on the phone tonight he said something that really wasn't helpful for me regarding the issue I'd brought up. So I said, Well, I just don't know if it's fair to tell me not to worry about this and telling me that just doesn't really help me in regards to this." And then I was sort of gonna continue trying to explain to him what I meant and you know what he said, "No, I understand what you're saying." And then he went on to say the right things.
Fucking genius. That's all I have to say.
It's like I have this feeling that I want to make the "right" decisions regarding him because I really wanna give it a chance to succeed. What a guy.
As my best friend says to me, I need to remember that whatever is happening, it is not the same as the last relationship because this is a different person, a different relationship.
I then did mention that my part could be a repetition but then I remembered a certain way that I acted with him that was healthier than I would have with my ex-bf and how it worked out really nicely and she said, "See? It's already different. Because he's a different person, you almost feel like you can act differently because you're getting more of what you want/need from him than you did from your ex."
I never usually use the word "ex", btw. I'm just using it here because I try to keep this annonymous.
Anyway, must sleep.
QE
Monday, November 10, 2008
What a great blog
Seriously, I don't know why the whole world is not reading this freakin' blog. I was just going back over my posts and they're just so genius and cute and funny and so totally human.
I was blessed to be reminded of this blog today when someone randomly came across one of my posts and commented on it. "Well said," they said. It was the post called, "People like real" something like that.
I am unsure why it didn't depress me to read it. Maybe because I have a new sweet boy in my life who I know is looking forward to chatting with me online. Or maybe it's because my very sweet friend called me to find out how I'm doing. Or is it because I decided not to go to a social event because V will be there and that would be too difficult?
Yes, I dated V for over a year and now we're broken up. And I'm healing... And it's hard. But we broke up on very good terms. Sometimes I'm not sure if that makes things easier or harder.
Anyway, I must work. It's almost 10 but I was trying to write one of my articles.
mwah
QE
I was blessed to be reminded of this blog today when someone randomly came across one of my posts and commented on it. "Well said," they said. It was the post called, "People like real" something like that.
I am unsure why it didn't depress me to read it. Maybe because I have a new sweet boy in my life who I know is looking forward to chatting with me online. Or maybe it's because my very sweet friend called me to find out how I'm doing. Or is it because I decided not to go to a social event because V will be there and that would be too difficult?
Yes, I dated V for over a year and now we're broken up. And I'm healing... And it's hard. But we broke up on very good terms. Sometimes I'm not sure if that makes things easier or harder.
Anyway, I must work. It's almost 10 but I was trying to write one of my articles.
mwah
QE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)