It is way less brave of me to write this on my anonymous blog than if I were to write it on my personal blog. The one that is automatically attached at the bottom of every email I send.
I am sick of being fake. I'm sick of smiling and laughing while inside that's not what I'm feeling. And so I've decided to stop. Yes, I’ve decided to stop fake smiling.
It is one of the biggest most exciting decisions I’ve ever made. As my best friend said, “You never have to laugh at a joke again.” Beautiful.
But wow, it’s so hard. Last night I told my boyfriend about my decision. It is my relationship with him that’s really brought me to this decision. My fakeness is not enabling us to get closer. Or at least see if we can. Because he’s not getting true feedback and he’s not experiencing the real, true me.
He is very jokey and it really annoys me but though I’ve spoken to him about it, when it comes down to it, if the feedback he’s getting is me smiling or laughing, then he’s not getting real feedback. It's become a vicious cycle.
Today I feel crappy. I hope it’s just that this change is so difficult and so it’ll be a hard change. I actually don’t mind that so much. Because I feel so good about the decision. It’ll help me have much better relationships with people. It’ll help me be a calmer person. Why? Because my smiles are people-pleaser smiles, often, and in general I’m just trying to figure out how to please people all the time. How to do the right thing all the time. It is so freakin’ stressful. It’s a load off my shoulders, not trying to please people anymore.
Not that I’m there yet but the idea is very, very exciting.
A therapist I went to around 1.5 years ago told me she thinks I use my smile. It's taken me all that time to get from feeling defensive when she said it to making this decision, yesterday. Thank God for time.
Wow. I’m so excited about this. It is so important and, as my bf said, noble.
