OH MY GOD I HAVE THE BIGGEST CRUSH!!!!

Wow. I'm totally out of control. Wow wow wow. What can I say. I have the biggest crush. I wrote to V 2 days ago and I asked him if he's sure he doesn't like me as more than a friend. He wrote back that he’s not sure yet and that he prefers to talk about it in person.

Then, last night he had a date with someone else. Today, his feedback to me about the date sounded really strange. When I told him that what he’d written was really weird, he said the date was weird on the same level and that he’ll tell me about it in person.

*Imagination goes wild*

And now we’ve become so much more flirty with each other. In such a nerdy way.

We started a “bracha” (blessing) contest. As in, who can give the other a better, bigger bracha. Of course I won. But he’s so sweet because he kept saying that he has more brachot (blessings) that he’d want to give me. Like, that he feels like blessing me a lot. Teehee…

As my best friend put it, she doesn’t want me leading myself on. As in, jumping to conclusions, getting my hopes up. Of course having hope is absolutely lovely.

K, I feel like today is gonna be so unproductive because I’m too busy being emotional. And having cramps but that has nothing to do with this. :)

Crush continued

Oh, how I wish I had something better to do than think and write about my new crush but... oh! I do.

Sigh... maybe I do but that doesn't mean I am.

Today was a social thing. Me and Mr. Crush(er) live quite close to each other and so at the last minute he asked me if I wanted a lift. So he picked me up near my house. It was nice of him.

Wow. I just sat here for a few minutes day dreaming about him. I'm not kidding! I stopped writing, leaned forwards, leaned my head in my hands and just stared into nothingness while thinking about him.

How crazy are we?!?!?!

Anyway, he does things that TOTALLY bother me. But I TOTALLY like him. I just want to look at him and stand (or sit) near him. I just wanna talk to him.

I have to make a decision at some point if I want to talk to him about all of this. The 1st thing I'd ask is, "When you said you wished I was 22, was that like, 'This is what I have to say, now lets move on,' or, 'This is what I have to say and I'm open to discussing it further?'"

I suppose that if he were to say the former, then I'd have a pretty clear idea of how he feels and I'd have an easier time moving on. If he were to say the latter, then there'd be something to talk about.

On the way over, his friend was also in the car. At one point he asked me how old I am and when I said 28 he exclaimed something like, "Wow!" It doesn't really bother me but I do wonder if that is/could be an issue for Mr. Crush. I'd think that his peers would think it's the coolest thing ever.

I feel like in person we've started having this thing going on where we're somewhat on the same wave-length. I can make a joke that he totally gets and visa versa. And we even have a few inside jokes already. Weird, I know. Even my status on facebook right now is for his benefit!

But it keeps being me initiating contact. Mostly. Like, I could be online now for hours in MSN IM and not hear a word from him. And I don't think that he's not around. Sometimes it is but there are times I've started a conversation and he's right there.

So I sort of feel like there are mixed messages. In person I really do feel like he somewhat has a crush on me. And after we chat he says things like, "It was amazing talking to you, as usual." But on the other hand it feels like he's not actually thinking about me at all. I'd say that maybe he's not making contact on purpose in order to not make too much of a connection but I actually highly doubt that.

Sigh, sigh, sigh...

QE

Yet another new crush

It's so lame that I don't write on this blog for who knows how long and now I am, only because I have a new crush. Seriously...

But I do have a new crush and at this moment I am blind typing while looking at my double reflection in my large, bedroom window. In case you don't understand, it is double because it is double pane.

Anyway, I am very pretty. Thank God. I have these really lovely facial features. Nice cheekbones. I'm not the skinniest thing but definitely not over-weight.

I totally could use some extra toning and of course I have the things about my body that I think are not nice, but all in all I am pleasant to look at. And, amazingly, my brain is good too! I'm interesting. I'm always thinking and often I have unique, worthwhile thoughts. I am also usually very nice. I'm quite good with people. I hate to presume that I understand them but often I am just good at dealing well with people to make them feel good.

So where is this boy that should come along and be just so perfect for me? Where is the guy who also looks nice, is very smart, thinks, cares about good things like fellow humans, is interested in Judaism, can make/is making a decent living AND we both really like each other?

This new boy seems to really appreciate a lot of things about me. And he said to me the other day, - with such bravery! - "If only you were 22." He is 22. I'm 28.

On a few occasions he's acted so enthusiastically about me. It is soooo nice to be appreciated. It's the best feeling. No, it is potentially the best feeling. The best feeling is being appreciated by someone who you like back.

Mr. 22 year old is someone I am happy to have appreciate me. It's just the most interesting, cool, different experience to feel good about him appreciating me, instead of wanting to turn and run in the opposite direction. I like when he looks at me. The last guy I dated made me feel uncomfortable all the time! I like looking at him. Whether he's looking back or not. Yes, including eye contact! Last guy? Uh-uh!

So certain things draw me towards him. But I am also so aware of things that really bother me about him. Really, really. Including that we can chat on MSN IM and I'm just feeling not good most of the time. For different reasons... but is this important? Not that chatting is in itself important but does it mean anything in the bigger picture? There are also things he does that bother me.

But there are so many things that I really like! I love that he comes from a good family. I don't have to meet them, even, to know this. Why? Because he is in touch with them all the time. Because he was a home-body (like me!) most of his life because he was just happy at home with his family. His parents, although Russian, are still married! He's into Judaism and is trying to learn more and more about it.

There is also a growing list of totally strange coincidences between us.

He shares the same sign with my dad (and mom). I share with his mom. I sometimes remind him of his mom and he sometimes reminds me of my dad.
His 1st girl friend's name was extremely similar to mine and her email consisted of the meaning of my 2nd name.
We are very possibly in good places for each other religiously.
He has three (shallow) things that I am attracted to: He's Russia, an engineer and younger than me!
We've both been not very sociable and quite home-body-ish most of our lives and have become more sociable lately.
We both arrived in Vancouver from Toronto the end of August/beginning of September, 2006.

He's similar to the picture I have in my mind of what I'm looking for. I'm obviously similar to his picture because he said he wished I was younger and then he said, "If you meet someone who's exactly like you but 22, please set us up."

There are so many things about him that make me see BIG questions marks but I will probably talk to him if I don't start calming down about him soon.

I got some advice from my non-religious friend. I also got advice from my best friend and another close friend who's religious. I have taken my non-religious friend's advice and do not feel good about it.

She told me to throw hints. Granted, she mentioned this before he told me he likes me but the situation is still similar in that I still don't really know how he feels and if he'd be interested in taking real steps... Anyway, when we were chatting now I did that a few times and it just makes me feel badly. If I say something straight out, I feel like it's so much more, well, it lacks the game-aspect of the game. :) But when I was throwing hints, it was just freakin' hints and what do I get for it? Do I know more? Do I feel good about myself? No, not really! I feel pretty stupid, very vulnerable.

If I were to have a straight-forward talk with him, I don't think I'd feel stupid. I'd feel more in control. I'd feel more sure about the facts. It's a hard thing to do but if I think it really might be worth a try, then, I think I'll do what I gotta do. Well, what I wanna do. :)

Right now, we keep seeing each other places. At pub night, at a Torah class, a Shabbat meal, tomorrow at a bbq... So I want to see how I feel when I keep seeing him.

On a final note, one of my friends asked me if he looks young. I wasn't sure how to answer that. He doesn't look old but I was pretty sure he doesn't look like a pisher.

Well, now I know for sure!!! I met a guy today who to me is a kid. And then it turned out he's 24 years old! He's 2 years older than my current crush but looks way younger and more immature.

Mr. Crush is way attractive to me, presently.

QE