In connection with my last posting, it's impossible for me to know what it's like to be him.
S's first impression to people is, weird weird weird. The 1st time I met him, I was ready to run away. He came up to me - way too close. He talked in this soft, strange voice. He looked at me too intensely. Sadly, I thought, Freak! And I also thought, How do I get away from this person as quickly as possible.
Many months since our 1st meeting, I felt overcome with more sadness towards him than usual. I always feel badly that people aren't nice enough to him but one Shabbat, it was so bad and I decided, I am not going to be like everyone else. I decided that I am going to show interest in what he has to say (even though he talks super slow and it's hard to follow his train of thoughts). So I did. And then I found myself sincerely interested in what he had to say.
Since that fated day, we have become friends. And he opens up about how he "is". Many people who are "weird", know they are. And, of course, they often know when they're being treated badly.
Breaks your heart.
Last night he told me something new. I do not know if it's a secret or not. I do not feel comfortable sharing other people's secrets online, even if this is an anon-blog.
So I realized why he is like he is.
Anyway, again, like I mentioned in the last posting, I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to live a life like his. I feel sympathy and sadness for the hardships he needs to endure. I think he is a way stronger person than most people, because he has to be in order to live his life and yet still be a kind, caring, smart, sweet guy.
QE
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I can't relate so I don't know
Those of us who care, try to understand others. We try to understand why they do what they do. We also try to understand how it feels to be in their shoes.
But we have no freakin' idea. A waitress serves me. I show appreciation towards her. I imagine what it must be like to be on your feet serving people for 8 hours a day - or does she work longer shifts than that?
I hear that something tragic happened. I might feel sad for the people affected. I might try to imagine how it must feel to be in that situation.
I have no idea! I think I'm empathetic but I'm not.
I have a few very new experiences this week. They opened my eyes to how people going through similar things must feel. They opened my eyes to just how much I just don't know what other people go through.
What events conspired over the last week?
I HAD NO IDEA.
So what do I know now? Well, I know those topics a little better. And I also have ingrained in me, at least a little deeper now, that I can't relate to most people's situations and so I literally do not know!
QE
But we have no freakin' idea. A waitress serves me. I show appreciation towards her. I imagine what it must be like to be on your feet serving people for 8 hours a day - or does she work longer shifts than that?
I hear that something tragic happened. I might feel sad for the people affected. I might try to imagine how it must feel to be in that situation.
I have no idea! I think I'm empathetic but I'm not.
I have a few very new experiences this week. They opened my eyes to how people going through similar things must feel. They opened my eyes to just how much I just don't know what other people go through.
What events conspired over the last week?
- I worked in a professional kitchen for 6.5 hours, preparing food for a bat mitzva that was happening right outside the kitchen door.
- I told my grandmother something about myself that I knew she would take very badly.
- I babysat a family with a 2-year old daughter and 2-month old twin boys.
I HAD NO IDEA.
So what do I know now? Well, I know those topics a little better. And I also have ingrained in me, at least a little deeper now, that I can't relate to most people's situations and so I literally do not know!
QE
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Meeting crazy people
Last night I met some crazy people. One girl claimed over and over again to be very sensitive and tried to give the air of being good and open but she was, in fact, very closed and negative. Actually, I don't know what she is.
She told me about her trip to Israel and she said that the whole Middle East is so preoccupied with war that she couldn't have a good time there. She was talking really harshly about people there. And then she mentioned the book, "The Secret" and said I should read it because then I'd understand.
I only listened to her when she talked about Israel like that. I wanted to hear what she had to say, think about how much truth I thought there was in it. But she was extremely judgmental, which is never attractive to me. She was extremely negative. Something that turns me off.
Later on she told me that she's been married for 2 years. She met her husband online. Sounds nice, no? But no. They've gone through some really hard times since they got married. I asked her how things are now and she said better. Then she told me that, in fact, it's all because of a horrible mother-in-law. All of it. Isn't that amazing? It's great when you can blame everything on one person.
She said that her in laws are really screwed up people. She said they put on a show but really their not good people. She said that anyone who likes them is obviously shallow because "They are not good people so you can't be good if you like them."
I told her I thought that was harsh, that she was saying that anyone who likes these people, is shallow and not a nice person.
At one point she said to me, "Do I look like a person who doesn't get along with people? Doesn't like people?" I should have said, "Yes."
The amusing thing was the whole table that I was at. There was this girl, a man in his 60's who I'll talk about in a second and another middle-aged guy. Each of us has really strong personalities and we didn't all get along at all.
The 60-something year old was arguing with this girl. He was annoying the hell out of her! I found that interesting and I tested the things he was saying. But for me it was amusing. For her, intolerable. She pretty much thought he was crazy and weird. I, on the other hand, was thinking that he might be saying the truth.
The middle-aged guy was a sort of stuck-up, young looking 40-50 something year old. He decided that he needed to teach me to respect my elders. He made really large generalizations, like about how "young people" think they know everything. He explained that young people are in their 20's and 30's. He said we should realize that older people have more experience so we should shut up and listen to them.
In other words, he wanted me to kiss the ground he walks on. It was so obvious. Because he was so stuck up about it. And I was infuriated (not joking) because he was so condescending. I told him that I totally do not think I know everything! I also told him that I believed I had something to learn from every person I meet, regardless of their age. I said that if I was going to decide who to learn from by asking them their age first, I would be missing out!
The whole time, the 60-something guy was on my side. It made me feel better. He was sort of like my debate coach. I'm terrible. I get really angry. I attack. I take things personally. And he would say things to me like, "Don't get negative because that will end the conversation." That was very interesting.
What was sadly funny was that I ended up so pissed off at him that I really was just attacking him and at one point he said, "You don't listen. You keep interrupting" and I was totally aware of the fact that I immediately interrupted him to say something. :) It was seriously ridiculous.
Still now, when I think of it, it infuriates me. He was so stuck-up and was so trying to "put me in my place". Or at least in the place that he believed I belonged in.
Grrrr... I know that his ideas are a waste of space but I can't help but write about it...
I told him that I do agree that older people have more experience just because of the plain fact that they've been alive longer. But I said that someone could have an experience at the age of 10 that makes them wise in a way that the 40-year old isn't, if he hasn't gone through that experience. I'm so happy I didn't actually think of my cousins who went through tragedy just then because I know I would have brought them into the argument and I don't know if I'd have felt good about that afterwards. The idea of a person being wise at the age of 10 was absurd to him. Ha! If that idea is absurd then there really is nothing to talk about.
As for the oldest guy at the table. He is funny. He is a very sweet guy but if you only notice him a little bit here and there, he seems harsh. And there is something harsh about him but it's not that he has meanness in him. It's that he is whole-heartedly on a truth-seeking path. If it's true, he's gonna say it. His tactics are, SHOOT! So he pissed off the other girl at the table because he was saying things to her that just didn't jive with her current way of processing the world. He told me when she walked away for a bit, that he was trying to save her some suffering in the future, even though she was doubtlessly going to suffer anyway. Yikes. But I could see what he was saying. She's studying to become a life coach. He said she should fix her life 1st. Harsh but... very very true! I would NOT want to go to her. She is so negative and has all these negative things in her mind and life.
When she said she also does match-making (she says it's really fun - oy), again he said that she should fix her own life first.
He told me that she's trying to build a status for herself with this healing and life-coaching business. She's calling it a career because she's trying to build a name for herself, or something. I didn't totally get what was wrong with that except that if you're so busy building a name for yourself, you may forget to build yourself. That's probably what he meant. Her eye is on the wrong target and at some point a person falls if they focus on the wrong target.
After he pointed some things out to me about her, I lost interest in her. Truth is, I wasn't thrilled about her to begin with. But after the things he said, she started annoying me. She was trying to find my calling for me. I'm not kidding! She was being all, "Oh, I feel bad energy in the nutrition field for you... Hmmm.... I see you going back to school." ??????????????? I think she probably does prefer to fix other people's lives instead of her own. I just felt like telling her to mind her own business and stop trying to pretend that she knows anything about me.
So now I'm totally curious what he thinks of me! I think he might be a very wise man who really sees through people quite quickly.
QE
She told me about her trip to Israel and she said that the whole Middle East is so preoccupied with war that she couldn't have a good time there. She was talking really harshly about people there. And then she mentioned the book, "The Secret" and said I should read it because then I'd understand.
I only listened to her when she talked about Israel like that. I wanted to hear what she had to say, think about how much truth I thought there was in it. But she was extremely judgmental, which is never attractive to me. She was extremely negative. Something that turns me off.
Later on she told me that she's been married for 2 years. She met her husband online. Sounds nice, no? But no. They've gone through some really hard times since they got married. I asked her how things are now and she said better. Then she told me that, in fact, it's all because of a horrible mother-in-law. All of it. Isn't that amazing? It's great when you can blame everything on one person.
She said that her in laws are really screwed up people. She said they put on a show but really their not good people. She said that anyone who likes them is obviously shallow because "They are not good people so you can't be good if you like them."
I told her I thought that was harsh, that she was saying that anyone who likes these people, is shallow and not a nice person.
At one point she said to me, "Do I look like a person who doesn't get along with people? Doesn't like people?" I should have said, "Yes."
The amusing thing was the whole table that I was at. There was this girl, a man in his 60's who I'll talk about in a second and another middle-aged guy. Each of us has really strong personalities and we didn't all get along at all.
The 60-something year old was arguing with this girl. He was annoying the hell out of her! I found that interesting and I tested the things he was saying. But for me it was amusing. For her, intolerable. She pretty much thought he was crazy and weird. I, on the other hand, was thinking that he might be saying the truth.
The middle-aged guy was a sort of stuck-up, young looking 40-50 something year old. He decided that he needed to teach me to respect my elders. He made really large generalizations, like about how "young people" think they know everything. He explained that young people are in their 20's and 30's. He said we should realize that older people have more experience so we should shut up and listen to them.
In other words, he wanted me to kiss the ground he walks on. It was so obvious. Because he was so stuck up about it. And I was infuriated (not joking) because he was so condescending. I told him that I totally do not think I know everything! I also told him that I believed I had something to learn from every person I meet, regardless of their age. I said that if I was going to decide who to learn from by asking them their age first, I would be missing out!
The whole time, the 60-something guy was on my side. It made me feel better. He was sort of like my debate coach. I'm terrible. I get really angry. I attack. I take things personally. And he would say things to me like, "Don't get negative because that will end the conversation." That was very interesting.
What was sadly funny was that I ended up so pissed off at him that I really was just attacking him and at one point he said, "You don't listen. You keep interrupting" and I was totally aware of the fact that I immediately interrupted him to say something. :) It was seriously ridiculous.
Still now, when I think of it, it infuriates me. He was so stuck-up and was so trying to "put me in my place". Or at least in the place that he believed I belonged in.
Grrrr... I know that his ideas are a waste of space but I can't help but write about it...
I told him that I do agree that older people have more experience just because of the plain fact that they've been alive longer. But I said that someone could have an experience at the age of 10 that makes them wise in a way that the 40-year old isn't, if he hasn't gone through that experience. I'm so happy I didn't actually think of my cousins who went through tragedy just then because I know I would have brought them into the argument and I don't know if I'd have felt good about that afterwards. The idea of a person being wise at the age of 10 was absurd to him. Ha! If that idea is absurd then there really is nothing to talk about.
As for the oldest guy at the table. He is funny. He is a very sweet guy but if you only notice him a little bit here and there, he seems harsh. And there is something harsh about him but it's not that he has meanness in him. It's that he is whole-heartedly on a truth-seeking path. If it's true, he's gonna say it. His tactics are, SHOOT! So he pissed off the other girl at the table because he was saying things to her that just didn't jive with her current way of processing the world. He told me when she walked away for a bit, that he was trying to save her some suffering in the future, even though she was doubtlessly going to suffer anyway. Yikes. But I could see what he was saying. She's studying to become a life coach. He said she should fix her life 1st. Harsh but... very very true! I would NOT want to go to her. She is so negative and has all these negative things in her mind and life.
When she said she also does match-making (she says it's really fun - oy), again he said that she should fix her own life first.
He told me that she's trying to build a status for herself with this healing and life-coaching business. She's calling it a career because she's trying to build a name for herself, or something. I didn't totally get what was wrong with that except that if you're so busy building a name for yourself, you may forget to build yourself. That's probably what he meant. Her eye is on the wrong target and at some point a person falls if they focus on the wrong target.
After he pointed some things out to me about her, I lost interest in her. Truth is, I wasn't thrilled about her to begin with. But after the things he said, she started annoying me. She was trying to find my calling for me. I'm not kidding! She was being all, "Oh, I feel bad energy in the nutrition field for you... Hmmm.... I see you going back to school." ??????????????? I think she probably does prefer to fix other people's lives instead of her own. I just felt like telling her to mind her own business and stop trying to pretend that she knows anything about me.
So now I'm totally curious what he thinks of me! I think he might be a very wise man who really sees through people quite quickly.
QE
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Freaking out
Omigosh. I have a dream of having a website. I bought a domain name and hosting and my sister now helped me get it up, using wordpress. And now I'm totally freaked out because I have no idea what I'm doing. Like now freakin' idea!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so overwhelmed. OH MY GOSH. OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm freaking out. Gotta get over it and move on.
I just so want this to work and I have no idea what I'm doing.
OK, not no idea. I know how to read, don't I? What more do I need? I'm smart. I should be able to do it if I decide I want to.
It's like in an article I was reading today. That if a person feels the relationship of what they are learning, to themselves, they'll want to put effort into learning that thing.
QE
I'm freaking out. Gotta get over it and move on.
I just so want this to work and I have no idea what I'm doing.
OK, not no idea. I know how to read, don't I? What more do I need? I'm smart. I should be able to do it if I decide I want to.
It's like in an article I was reading today. That if a person feels the relationship of what they are learning, to themselves, they'll want to put effort into learning that thing.
QE
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