Being Alone

How hard it is to be alone. A few times, when I've expressed my life difficulties to my aunt, she has said to me, "And you're all alone."

Finally I realized what she meant. I've never experienced this but when you have a life partner, you are (hopefully, in a good relationship) constantly supported in all you do.

It is so hard to keep energy levels up when you have to feed your energy levels almost all alone, all the time.

My aunt knows the contrast so well because the love of her life was murdered after they were married for over 20 years, with 6 kids.

People don't appreciate this about singles. It's harsh, to say the least.

I'm tired and demoralized, so often.

I don't know what to do with myself.

QE

God I feel bad and Carpe Diem

I'm mulling over my hardships and I completely forget that tonight is the beginning of Remembrance Day for Israelis who have been killed or died in the army or terrorist attacks since the beginning of the State of Israel.

There was a ceremony here, my roommate told me about it this morning, and this evening I forgot. I probably would have gone.

But what's done is done, I guess. I watched Dead Poets Society instead. It is an unbelievably inspirational film. It is so much about Carpe Diem - seizing the day. Living the moment. Filling your potential.

But we don't necessarily know at all what our potential is. In the movie, Todd (I think) thinks himself worthless and they have him say to Neil that he could never be a leader because no one listens to him. And then Robin Williams is able to bring out amazing depth in him. By the end, Todd actually does become the leader. He is the 1st one to stand on his desk as Mr. Keaton (Williams) leaves the classroom for the last time.

I do not know what I'm capable of. I have NO idea what I "should" be doing. The only thing I can do is what I think of doing.

Movies suck because when someone is strongly attracted towards doing something, it turns out he's amazingly talented in that thing. In real life, you might put your heart and soul into something and then "fail". I think that never happens in movies. But it's part of reality and it's important to remember that that's OK. It's even great. Greatness is trying, right?

Greatness is trying.

What is "failing"?

The reason I bought The Alchemist is because of the intro. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever read. It talks about following your heart. And he puts it on paper. He says that the "problem" with living life to its fullest is that if in the end you "fail", you will never be able to say, "Oh, I didn't really want it anyway" because everyone knows you wanted it more than anything. And you know it too.

But if you really try, is there such a thing as failure?

I suppose failure is the lack of trying.

so depressed, dunno what to do with myself

What more is there to say? I am just so, so sick of my situation. What the hell am I supposed to do? I WANT TO BE SPENDING MY DAYS DOING SOMETHING I ENJOY. PERIOD. PE-RI-OD. Period.

Understand? I want to wake up in the morning quite content with my plans for they day.

AND, the plans should include making a nice income.

SHIT.

QE

When do I feel alive?

This is one of the most basic questions a person must ask themselves. When do you feel (most) alive? Is it when you're cleaning your windows, cooking, hanging with your kids or reading a book?

I have now started a new blog (the contents of which I will not give here). Finally I figured out how to do it (there were some technical difficulties) and I felt so alive! I still do at this moment. I am excited. I have so many ideas for this blog, and the possibility of it developing into an online or printed magazine. I have so many ideas of articles/stories/etc. for this. I am so excited about it!

So at this moment I feel alive. When I think of the possibility of creating something that will express things I believe in to the world, my soul just jumps for joy!

QE

Morning has broken

I went to the community centre for the Friday night dinner. Lots of people, loud, 15 tables with people sitting around them.

So many interesting people. Old and young, men and women, and even a few children.

Shmoozing with the people, eating good food. Good times.

Now it's Saturday morning. Almost the antithesis of last night. Almost silence. There's an airplane crossing the sky, and the mildly annoying hum of my computer. I almost find it wrong to type these noisy letters on the keyboard.

The world is such a beautiful place in Vancouver.

no rights for jews?

I need to take an English proficiency test in order to finish applying to UBC. So, guess what. All the test dates are on Shabbat.

OK, there are a couple that might not be but I'm just looking into that. Meanwhile, I'm not very hopeful.

It's so crazy. I guess I could do the test on Shabbat. I just really don't feel good about it. I'll need to write UBC and see what they have to say.

QE

I am a hero

I started something new. Something I felt the need to mull over in my head for a few months and then psych myself up for for a few weeks.

But I'm so tired I don't feel like writing about it now. Damn. Why do I feel like I have so many interesting things I could and want to write about but then when it comes down to it, I don't really feel like writing or I don't really feel like I have anything to write. Question mark.

But I'm so proud of myself! I started this email list that I was so scared of starting. I finally sent out an email to lots of people telling them about it. I was so nervous! I was so scared it's gonna "fail". But does it really matter if it fails? I'm just so proud of myself that I even tried.

OK fine, I do want it to succeed. But even if it doesn't, it's not a loss but a gain. I learned I can do things that are new and scary and putting myself out there and I'll have learned, if it fails, that it's not the worst thing in the world if it fails.

Maybe I should make a business card for it. That's an idea! Or not. Where would I even give it out!

I'll probably have to start calling individual shuls and stuff to ask them to post. I know what I want to say to them in order to convince them. I think it'll be convincing.

K, I feel so boring.

QE

Defending myself

I am such a scared person. So finally I signed up for a women's self defense course. I figured that learning techniques for defense would make me feel more sure of myself.

And it's true. I left that class feeling so good! And now I have it in my head that I want to learn to be a real fighter. I don't want to be a victim. Whatever happens in my life, I don't wanna go down with my hands behind my back (metaphorically). I want to be able to protect myself and others. I want to have the ability to protect if I ever need to.

It's funny because I grew up with a very clear idea that there is very real evil in this world. So that was ingrained in me but I wasn't given any tools to protect myself against this very real evil I was taught about.

I hope I'll be able to stick to it.

QE

Plumbing turned off - creature of habit

Today I woke up stressed. And one of the reasons is that me and my best friend in Israel are now starting to talk every Thursday morning (thurs. eve by her). But it means a tight schedule Thurs. mornings!

So, because of the stress, I couldn't poop. And I always poop in the morning!

After breakfast, I went to the sink and when I tried to turn on the tap, only a few drops came out. Suddenly I remembered that this morning they're turning the water off in our building.

Guess what. Suddenly, I felt it coming on. I suddenly felt the need to go to the bathroom!

Thank God for that last flush that you get when the water is turned off! So I could quite safely still go to the bathroom and flush it away.

QE

P.S. One of my best stories yet.

An important anniversary

I sit in my bedroom in my sweet home in Vancouver. I look out my large window. A tiny plane flying overhead. The clouds as beautiful as the Vancouver clouds always seem to be. A day of stormy weather but that's over and now stillness and peacefulness outside instead. The quiet after the storm. A song on the radio that touches my soul.

And it is a year since I decided to leave Israel. Probably my biggest and hardest decision ever. May 11th I actually left.

And now I am looking through my never-sent email drafts. They are a little window into a year ago.

On the 11th of April I started an email to my immediate family. The subject was: "Understanding (and could I dream of supporting?) me".

The only thing written in the body of the email is:

Dear Family,



--
Queen Esther
Where is the good stuff?


Nope, I never ended up writing this letter.

But I remember. I remember feeling alone and sad. I remember wishing I could know 100% that my family wanted to understand and support me.

And now it's a year later. I have thought many times over the year of actually writing and sending this letter to them but it hasn't happened.

Today I have a clearer picture of how my family is taking my changes and more time will make it more clear. Maybe one day I will still write and email my family about this. We shall see.

QE

Another letter

Here is another letter I wrote on the 8th of April, '06. I'm not gonna translate it right now because it's really long. Neither of these did I ever send to the intended.

כי אני לא חושבת שתבין שזה לא שאני חוזרת לזה עכשיו. סה"כ אני יודעת שזה לא נתן לי את מה שאני צריכה ואם מתישהוא אני כן אחזור לזה, זה יהיה ממקום מאד שונה. זה יהיה ממקום של שלימות עם זה. מקום של לדעת שזאת באמת האמת. אבל בינתיים, אני מאד מזדהה איתך כשאתה אומר שכל החוקים האילו ממש לא מדברים אליך. קשה לי לכתוב את זה אבל זה נכון. אני גם לא רואה איך קידוש בשישי בערב מוסיף אור בעולם. אם כן אבין יום אחד את העומק של זה, אני בטח כן אתחיל שוב לעשות את זה. אני די בטוחה שגם אתה (כי אם משהוא נראה לך אמת, כנראה שזה מה שתרצה לעשות) אבל בינתיים, זה לא קורה. וחשוב לי שארגיש שאני יכולה לשתף אותך במשבות הרוחניות שלי. יש לי תחושה מאד חזקה שאולי זה יהיה לך מאד קשה. לא יודעת...


אני צריכה שתבין שבאופן כללי, אני מרגישה את הצורך לשתף אותך במחשבות שלי הרוחניות. זה לא בא ממקום של לנסות לשכנע אותך (זה שטויות אם זה כן בא משם כי אני לא משוכנעת כמעט בכלום בעצמי!). אבל לפעמים איתך אני לא מרגישה נוח לעשות את זה. אני מנחשת למה זה ככה למרות שלא אכתוב על זה כאן.

לאט -
לזכור שבאמת אנחנו לא יכולים להבין אחד את השני. אנחנו כל כך שונים (למרות שאנחנו כל כך דומים) ופשוט צריך להמשיך לנסות ולנסות. לתקשר המון. פתיחות.

בקשר לזה שחשבתי שאני מגעילה. אני חושבת שיש 2 סיבות שאני דואגת בקשר לזה. קודם כל, כל כך שמחנו שאנחנו כאילו פתוחים אחד עם השני אבל זה גרם כבר להמון כאב ואני מפחדת שאולי אנחנו פתוחים מדי כי אני לא רוצה לפגוע בך. מצד שני, בדרך כלל כשאני משתפת אותך במחשבות שלי, במיוחד כשזה משהוא שאני יודעת שאולי יהיה לך קשה, אני עושה את זה בכל זאת בגלל שאני מרגישה את הצורך לעשות זאת. אז השאלה היא מתי הפתיחות היא מוגזמת? אני באמת רוצה להיות פתוחה איתך אבל אני יודעת שיש דברים שבאמת יכולים לפגוע בך. כמעט ישר אמרת לי (באחד האימיילים הראשונים) שהכי חשוב לך שאהיה פתוחה, יותר מאשר לדאוג אם אפגע בך. באמת כך? זה באמת גורם להמון בלאגן וזה מאד מוקדם בקשר שלנו...

defensiveness maybe is stopping us from understanding each other. and fear

when are we going out?


QE

an old letter - never sent

Isn't it amazing to read things from your past that make you realize where you are today? The relativity of the past to the present make it so much clear. It gives you a scale of measurement.

Anyway, here is a letter I wrote on the 24th of April, 2006. I was so sad:

יצחק,

אני כותבת אימייל זה לפני ש"מותר" לי לשלוח אותו כי אני מחכה שיהיה לי תירוץ לשלוח לך אימייל.

מה שלומך? אני כל כך מקוה שאתה מרגיש מאד טוב.

אני בסדר. סגרתי תאריך לנסוע, ב-11 למאי ב-1 לפנות בוקר (אז בעצם ה-10 בלילה). אני כל כך מפחדת. אני עדיין לא מאמינה שאני עושה את זה. כל פעם אני אומרת לאנשים שאני לא מאמינה שאני עושה את זה, עד שאני יושבת במטוס.

אני מפחדת. אני עצובה. אני בודדה. אני לא אופטימית בכלל (אני ממש לא מסכימה איתך בקשר לזה) אבל אני פשוט מקוה שיהיה טוב. אני מקוה שיום אחד אהיה פחות מפחדת, עצובה, בודדה.

אני גם מקוה שלך יום אחד יהיה הרבה פחות פחד, עצב ובודדות (?אם ככה אומרים) אולי כבר עכשיו.

אני יודעת שזה טוב שאנחנו לא ביחד. לפעמים יש לי פרספקטיבה "בריאה" בקשר לזה. שאני מבינה שזה הדבר הכי טוב. אבל קשה להבין את זה כל הזמן, כשמפחדים, עצובים ובודדים.

התחלתי ליצור קשר עם אנשים בוונקובר. לפעמים זה מרגש אותי כי אז אני רואה שבאמת יש סיכוי שזה יקרה ואולי זה אפילו יהיה טוב! אני כל כך מקוה שזה יהיה טוב.

זהו. התירוץ לכתיבת מייל זה הוא שסגרתי תאריך טיסה ואמרתי לך שאגיד לך כשאני נוסעת. אז נכון שזה ממש לפי הכללים שאני פועלת?

Oh, you want a translation?! :) OK, fine.

Isaac,

I am writing this email before I am "allowed" to be emailing you because I'm waiting for an excuse to email you.

How are you? I really hope you are feeling very good.

I am fine. I have finalized a date for my trip, on the 11th of May at 1am (so actually the 10th at night). I am so scared. I still cannot believe I am doing this. I keep telling people that I don't believe I'm doing this until I'm sitting on the plane.

I am scared. I am sad. I am lonely. I am not optimistic at all (I disagree with you about that) but I simply hope things will be good. I hope that one day I will be less scared, sad and lonely.

I also hope that you, one day, will have less fear, sadness and loneliness.

I know it's good that we're not together. Sometimes I have a "healthy" view of it. I understand that it is for the best. But it's hard to understand this all the time when you are scared, sad and lonely.

I have started making contact with people in Vancouver. Sometimes this makes me very excited because I realize that it might actually happen and it might actually be good. I so hope it'll be good.

That's it. My excuse for writing this email is that I finalized my flight date and I told you I'd let you know when I did. So I'm going according to the rules, right?

QE

That's pretty much it. I'm still not especially happy but I think I'm so much better. I'm not as deep in wet mud that is sucking me into the ground.

QE

Another conversation with my roommate

My roommate is extremely passionate. Passionate is a strong word but I choose to add the word "extremely" before it. Because that is what she is.

Lets call her Tali.

Tali is extremely Zionistic. And last night she told me about her latest idea.

She loves orange. So a friend of hers gave her these orange paperweights. They are actually really cool. They look like orange rocks.

But orange is also the colour used by people who wanted to express their opposition to kicking the Jews out of Gaza (Gush Katif). Of course she was on that "side".

Now she wants to use those "rocks" in order to raise money for the poor people who were kicked out of their homes 2 summers ago and still don't have normal places to live.

There were 22 settlements. She wants one name written on each rock and for the rocks to go from shul to shul.

Cool idea, no?

QE

Another conversation with an Israeli Jew

Last night I had a long conversation with David at the Kollel. He is around 50 years old, divorced with 2 daughters, 20 and 24. He loves his daughters dearly and says they are really wonderful.

When he moved to Canada in 1973, he was freshly out of the Israeli army. He cared little enough about Judaism to marry a non-Jewish woman in Vancouver.

He talks about the fact that even though it didn't work out between them, he still respects her greatly and he knows he owes a lot to her. He says she is a good person and holds nothing against her. They are on friendly terms.

So, his girls are not Jewish. David says that when his wife, 2 years before they separated (they were together for 19 years) started attending Church (she's Christian), he felt strongly inside that something was wrong with the relationship.

And now, after all that, he is trying to give his girls Jewish experiences. He is making sure they go to a Pessach seder and probably other things too.

He says that when they got married, his non-Jewish wife knew more about Judaism than he did. "Because she opened up books and read."

There is something gravely, gravely wrong with our education system(s) that is producing the Jew who doesn't think twice before marrying a non-Jew. A Jew who is forced to learn through hard life experiences that he cares about being Jewish.

Today David is attending the Kollel. He is affiliating. This is something he is choosing. Why could he not have been instilled with roots for these feelings 30 years ago?

QE

Interesting people - My seat neighbor on the plane

In the past couple of days I have had so many interesting conversations. Actually, I keep finding myself semi-interviewing people. I am asking them questions out of genuine interest and curiosity and they are enjoying the questions and happily talking.

On the plane ride back to Vancouver this week I sat next to an older man. At first I was taken aback by him. He was so old in body. It literally depressed me. In my world, everything has to do with the bigger picture of life. When I see this old man, it depresses me about life and the way God created it, us and the world.

But then I was watching him do crossword puzzles and I decided to make conversation. I wanted to remove the symbolism he possesed in my head and see who he was as an individual.

Turns out he is a retired mathematics professor. And he only does crossword puzzles when travelling in order to pass the time. And he's from Columbia.

I never got his name, nor did he get mine. But we talked a lot of the way, mostly about him. About what he does now that he's retired. He is very busy doing his own research. And he exercises and it sounds like he spends time with friends. He was on his way back from Toronto after going there to look at some art his friend is selling.

He is very cultured. Literature, art. In Columbia books were their main source of entertainment and there was a lot of it. He told me about these books or magazines his father got for one of his siblings' birthdays one year. Each one had different sections talking about different aspects of the world. The body, the universe, geography, etc. It was called something like, "For the inquisitive young mind." He remembers them so fondly.

There is a list of books that the Church says you cannot read. His father, being Catholic, would not have those books in the house except that since he was a very devout Christian, he got permission to bring a couple of these books into the house because he needed them for writing he did. But of course the children were not allowed to read them.

My seat neighbor said that what convinced him that this list, and I guess other things in the Church are bogus, is the fact that this list contained some of the best literature in the world.

He has been in Vancouver for around 50 years. When he moved here, it was very Protestant. But he was very bothered by the hypocrisy he experienced. For example, places were not allowed to be open on Sunday except three places. One place had French entertainment that was "free" except they requested a donation of something like 75 cents. And he said that it was known that you were expected to pay it.

There were also concerts but you had to pay ahead of time. You could not buy a ticket on Sunday.

He was ready to leave Vancouver when he started witnessing changes in these things and so, in the end, he stayed.

To me it's amazing that today the city is almost the antithesis of what it was. There are almost no rules. The way people are living is so drastically different than 50 years ago.

It sounds like for thousands and thousands of years, generation after generation lived similarly to each other. And now, in the past one to two hundred years things have changed in an almost unfathomable way.

He hates that he's getting old but he's still "playing hard". That is an impressive thing.

QE