On the 24th of April, 2006, I wrote about the fact that my then therapist expressed concern that I might have slight depression. In the posting I wrote why she suspected that. One of the reasons was that I don't remember ever being really happy.
Well, I am tickled pink to write this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because this week I felt amazing. I just felt so, so happy. Seriously, it's one of those things that's so hard to express. All I can say is that for a few days straight I just felt really, seriously good. Good, good, good.
Why?! I don't know. Because this week was my (Hebrew) birthday? Because I have a crush and crushes are based on hope of good to come? Because I took a remedy this week from my (amazing) Classical Homeopath that truly might be working wonders on my body, mind and soul?
It is important I mention that this is a drastic change from the last few weeks. Before this (and you can see it in my blog) I was feeling absolutely HORRIBLE. I was sleeping terribly, having nightmares, feeling scared. Scared while sleeping, scared while awake. I felt like the world is a bad place and I was wondering why I wasn't considering suicide (besides fear).
Was that possibly the lowest of the low I needed to reach in order to start climbing? Because where I am now does not only include lucky happiness. It also includes me being able to consciously keep my mind in a healthy place. What do I mean?
I have been pretty successful, a few times (maybe even many times) this week in viewing a situation, understanding where my ability to affect starts and finishes and not go crazy about the rest. I feel like I"m not explaining myself well.
My creative writing teacher, when someone mentioned a movie in class, turned to me and said, "You obviously haven't seen it." He was jumping to some sort of conclusion, maybe because I come from an Orthodox background. It is a wrong assumption... I did answer him in a strange way but then I think I quickly realized that what he said is more of a reflection of him than of me. In a way, it has nothing to do with me. And I realized it's OK that he said that.
Other things happened too...
My friend let me have my birthday party at her place. But she has been in a terrible mood the few days leading up to the party, including the day of AND during! She only took it out on me. Yes, I do take it somewhat personally because she is pretty much currently getting annoyed at almost anything that I say or do. It's really quite upsetting and I'm scared to say anything to her, fearing attack.
So before the party she was sort of hiding in her room and I just felt the negative energy. And I started feeling badly about the party and thinking, Oh, it's not gonna be good. And feeling bad about doing it by her. Blah blah blah.
But then I reminded myself that I made it clear a few times that if she did not want it by her, I would totally understand and she should just tell me that. And she never changed her mind.
So if she did regret that, that is NOT my problem.
Also, her being in a bad mood did not need to affect out well the party would go. And the fact that she's in a bad mood (even if she's specifically taking it out on me and even if I am hurt by it) doesn't mean that I need to be in a bad mood and let it affect the party.
In the end there were different things that made it difficult for me to really enjoy the party but I was able to work through this problem quite effectively.
She is upsetting me and I'm considering saying something to her. I am wondering if I'm holding a grudge but I hope not. I think what's happening is that I am truly fearing attack. So I don't feel like being with her or talking to her for fear of this attack. And I don't know how to approach her because she isn't into "opening up" "talking about your feelings". But if she is like that the next time we talk, I'll need to say something.
BTW, she did apologize. When I left she told me she's sorry she's been in a bad mood and... can't remember what word she used. Rude or something. So I told her it's OK.
See, that's the thing. She's totally aware of what she's doing. We happened to talk about this type of thing last week. We talked about being not nice to people and that you don't necessarily want the person to get away with it. It's funny that we talked about it and now we're going through it.
So, I went from un-depression talk to talking about my friend. I'm sure she's feeling really crappy. I feel bad about that. But I can't have her take it out on me.
QE
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