Traumatizingly uncomfortable situations

God, you know those situations that are so uncomfortable, just thinking of them afterwards makes you cringe?

This week I had 2 of those.

1st, my teacher offered to drive me home after class and turns out it's because he pretty much wanted to make sure I'm not about to commit suicide. Why? Because though I seem quite jolly in class, my writing is often/almost always depressing and morbid.

Though it was extremely kind of him to show concern, it made me a million times more uncomfortable. Thinking about it, it isn't the 1st time he's made me feel uncomfortable. And I think I know what it is. I write these things, and they are almost always personal, and then he actually does see through it, into me. He really sees me through my writing. And that TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT!!!!

After one thing I read in class for feedback, people kept saying they felt happy at the end of the piece but they weren't sure why. Paul said, I do. He then let someone else finish talking and then gave his feedback.

You know what he said? He said that they were all happy, including himself, because the piece had helped them know me. He said he felt like he was really experiencing me through the piece. My mind, even my body. He said there were points where he felt physically close to me (when I mentioned my stomach making noises, he imagined himself right up next to my stomach). When he said that, I think I blushed, I became so embarrassed!

Even as I write this I am soooo uncomfortable!

There is such a conflict here. On the one hand I like and want to write personal things. On the other hand I fear people truly seeing me and when they do I am really uncomfortable. So interesting.

The other traumatizingly uncomfortable thing that happened to me was today when I called an accountant whose number I got from my roommate (who herself deserves a good few postings on this blog). In the beginning of the conversation, he wouldn't say anything. It was absolutely the strangest thing!

Imagine you say something, no answer. So you say something else, no answer and so on and so forth.

Finally he started talking and then he was totally normal. The rest of the conversation was totally normal! So strange. But during that silence (that at one point, I think lasted around 30 seconds because I just didn't know what to say anymore) I was seriously going crazy!

So, discomfort.

QE