I just lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. I should be fast asleep right now because I was sooo tired at Friday night dinner, so ready to come home and go straight to bed.
I pretty much went straight to bed but read, which is totally kosher in sleep world, but then I found myself wide awake, thinking about so many things.
I'm thinking of licencing myself here as a dietitian. That actually excites me, the idea of studying for the exam. The part about having to work through the bureaucracy totally makes me upset, though.
OK. So much for that. I just looked it up and the whole thing will cost over $1000.00. I'm sure I could find someone to pay for it (Bubby, Daddy, the older woman I work for?) but if someone else is paying for it I think I should be sure I'll work in it in order to have made it worth while but I can't commit to that because I hate working as a dietitian so if I were to be able to figure something else out, I'd be thrilled not to work in that field.
So then I think, why don't I just take clients in the house? OK, I can't really do that. I'd need to do the appointments in the living room and that would mean my roommate would have to hide during those times. No, not good.
Should I give nutrition classes? Sigh.... I always think of it but do I feel like it? Could I really make good money from it? I don't see how. How much do people pay for these things?
What do I like doing? I enjoyed planning my birthday party, besides being nervous about people showing up and having a good time. But I got really into it. I sent hard-copy invitations on pretty paper. I planned arts and crafts on a very tight budget and it was really fun! I made yummy food (with the help of my friend who hosted). It was really nice.
But the downside is that I didn't have the most amazing time at the party itself because the whole time I was worrying that everyone should be OK and happy. Especially the elderly woman. Oy. I was so stressed out about her!
It's really interesting. I mentioned to her that I don't know how I'll pay for university and she said, Don't worry about that. Would she actually pay for me to go to university? Imagine if she was sort of like my beneficiary. How unique to have a beneficiary. I'd live with her, almost never have to pay for food, not have to pay for university, do some work for her and hang out with her and she'd give me money for that. What a strange life that would be. Though my imagination goes wild with these kinds of things, it's very hard for me to believe it could actually happen. Things in life turn out so different than in the imagination. And they're usually way more complicated.
Tonight someone told me about a job lead that is for a couple of months, doing event planning. Could that be enjoyable for me? I think it might have a lot to do with who I'd be working with. Hopefully she'll want to meet me this week. I need to make sure my CV is good for this job.
K, I'm feeling very tired. I'm gonna try to go to sleep.
QE
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Update since the posting "Depression me now" on the 24th of April, 06 and my friend being mean to me
On the 24th of April, 2006, I wrote about the fact that my then therapist expressed concern that I might have slight depression. In the posting I wrote why she suspected that. One of the reasons was that I don't remember ever being really happy.
Well, I am tickled pink to write this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because this week I felt amazing. I just felt so, so happy. Seriously, it's one of those things that's so hard to express. All I can say is that for a few days straight I just felt really, seriously good. Good, good, good.
Why?! I don't know. Because this week was my (Hebrew) birthday? Because I have a crush and crushes are based on hope of good to come? Because I took a remedy this week from my (amazing) Classical Homeopath that truly might be working wonders on my body, mind and soul?
It is important I mention that this is a drastic change from the last few weeks. Before this (and you can see it in my blog) I was feeling absolutely HORRIBLE. I was sleeping terribly, having nightmares, feeling scared. Scared while sleeping, scared while awake. I felt like the world is a bad place and I was wondering why I wasn't considering suicide (besides fear).
Was that possibly the lowest of the low I needed to reach in order to start climbing? Because where I am now does not only include lucky happiness. It also includes me being able to consciously keep my mind in a healthy place. What do I mean?
I have been pretty successful, a few times (maybe even many times) this week in viewing a situation, understanding where my ability to affect starts and finishes and not go crazy about the rest. I feel like I"m not explaining myself well.
My creative writing teacher, when someone mentioned a movie in class, turned to me and said, "You obviously haven't seen it." He was jumping to some sort of conclusion, maybe because I come from an Orthodox background. It is a wrong assumption... I did answer him in a strange way but then I think I quickly realized that what he said is more of a reflection of him than of me. In a way, it has nothing to do with me. And I realized it's OK that he said that.
Other things happened too...
My friend let me have my birthday party at her place. But she has been in a terrible mood the few days leading up to the party, including the day of AND during! She only took it out on me. Yes, I do take it somewhat personally because she is pretty much currently getting annoyed at almost anything that I say or do. It's really quite upsetting and I'm scared to say anything to her, fearing attack.
So before the party she was sort of hiding in her room and I just felt the negative energy. And I started feeling badly about the party and thinking, Oh, it's not gonna be good. And feeling bad about doing it by her. Blah blah blah.
But then I reminded myself that I made it clear a few times that if she did not want it by her, I would totally understand and she should just tell me that. And she never changed her mind.
So if she did regret that, that is NOT my problem.
Also, her being in a bad mood did not need to affect out well the party would go. And the fact that she's in a bad mood (even if she's specifically taking it out on me and even if I am hurt by it) doesn't mean that I need to be in a bad mood and let it affect the party.
In the end there were different things that made it difficult for me to really enjoy the party but I was able to work through this problem quite effectively.
She is upsetting me and I'm considering saying something to her. I am wondering if I'm holding a grudge but I hope not. I think what's happening is that I am truly fearing attack. So I don't feel like being with her or talking to her for fear of this attack. And I don't know how to approach her because she isn't into "opening up" "talking about your feelings". But if she is like that the next time we talk, I'll need to say something.
BTW, she did apologize. When I left she told me she's sorry she's been in a bad mood and... can't remember what word she used. Rude or something. So I told her it's OK.
See, that's the thing. She's totally aware of what she's doing. We happened to talk about this type of thing last week. We talked about being not nice to people and that you don't necessarily want the person to get away with it. It's funny that we talked about it and now we're going through it.
So, I went from un-depression talk to talking about my friend. I'm sure she's feeling really crappy. I feel bad about that. But I can't have her take it out on me.
QE
Well, I am tickled pink to write this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because this week I felt amazing. I just felt so, so happy. Seriously, it's one of those things that's so hard to express. All I can say is that for a few days straight I just felt really, seriously good. Good, good, good.
Why?! I don't know. Because this week was my (Hebrew) birthday? Because I have a crush and crushes are based on hope of good to come? Because I took a remedy this week from my (amazing) Classical Homeopath that truly might be working wonders on my body, mind and soul?
It is important I mention that this is a drastic change from the last few weeks. Before this (and you can see it in my blog) I was feeling absolutely HORRIBLE. I was sleeping terribly, having nightmares, feeling scared. Scared while sleeping, scared while awake. I felt like the world is a bad place and I was wondering why I wasn't considering suicide (besides fear).
Was that possibly the lowest of the low I needed to reach in order to start climbing? Because where I am now does not only include lucky happiness. It also includes me being able to consciously keep my mind in a healthy place. What do I mean?
I have been pretty successful, a few times (maybe even many times) this week in viewing a situation, understanding where my ability to affect starts and finishes and not go crazy about the rest. I feel like I"m not explaining myself well.
My creative writing teacher, when someone mentioned a movie in class, turned to me and said, "You obviously haven't seen it." He was jumping to some sort of conclusion, maybe because I come from an Orthodox background. It is a wrong assumption... I did answer him in a strange way but then I think I quickly realized that what he said is more of a reflection of him than of me. In a way, it has nothing to do with me. And I realized it's OK that he said that.
Other things happened too...
My friend let me have my birthday party at her place. But she has been in a terrible mood the few days leading up to the party, including the day of AND during! She only took it out on me. Yes, I do take it somewhat personally because she is pretty much currently getting annoyed at almost anything that I say or do. It's really quite upsetting and I'm scared to say anything to her, fearing attack.
So before the party she was sort of hiding in her room and I just felt the negative energy. And I started feeling badly about the party and thinking, Oh, it's not gonna be good. And feeling bad about doing it by her. Blah blah blah.
But then I reminded myself that I made it clear a few times that if she did not want it by her, I would totally understand and she should just tell me that. And she never changed her mind.
So if she did regret that, that is NOT my problem.
Also, her being in a bad mood did not need to affect out well the party would go. And the fact that she's in a bad mood (even if she's specifically taking it out on me and even if I am hurt by it) doesn't mean that I need to be in a bad mood and let it affect the party.
In the end there were different things that made it difficult for me to really enjoy the party but I was able to work through this problem quite effectively.
She is upsetting me and I'm considering saying something to her. I am wondering if I'm holding a grudge but I hope not. I think what's happening is that I am truly fearing attack. So I don't feel like being with her or talking to her for fear of this attack. And I don't know how to approach her because she isn't into "opening up" "talking about your feelings". But if she is like that the next time we talk, I'll need to say something.
BTW, she did apologize. When I left she told me she's sorry she's been in a bad mood and... can't remember what word she used. Rude or something. So I told her it's OK.
See, that's the thing. She's totally aware of what she's doing. We happened to talk about this type of thing last week. We talked about being not nice to people and that you don't necessarily want the person to get away with it. It's funny that we talked about it and now we're going through it.
So, I went from un-depression talk to talking about my friend. I'm sure she's feeling really crappy. I feel bad about that. But I can't have her take it out on me.
QE
Is trying to be real, real?
It's really funny. I try so hard to be real. I'm always asking myself if I'm really being real. But is that real? Maybe if you have to work at being real, that in and of itself is fake.
Actually, it's even worse. Yes, sometimes I'm trying to be real. But sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, what I'm really trying hard to do is look as if I'm being real. As if I'm being sincere.
Ik. Yes, ik.
Often I just really wanna sound/look like I really mean what I'm saying/doing.
Damn. Why does it have to be that way? I mean, I guess it's better than being mean but it's so not impressive, in my opinion.
I saw a book the other day called something like, "The games we play". It's all about the different social games we play. And I didn't read the book but the idea totally makes sense.
This is the, "No, I really, really do sincerely care!!!" game.
Yeah right.
Actually, it's even worse. Yes, sometimes I'm trying to be real. But sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, what I'm really trying hard to do is look as if I'm being real. As if I'm being sincere.
Ik. Yes, ik.
Often I just really wanna sound/look like I really mean what I'm saying/doing.
Damn. Why does it have to be that way? I mean, I guess it's better than being mean but it's so not impressive, in my opinion.
I saw a book the other day called something like, "The games we play". It's all about the different social games we play. And I didn't read the book but the idea totally makes sense.
This is the, "No, I really, really do sincerely care!!!" game.
Yeah right.
Cycles or Linear?
Forever it feels like people are telling me that the world and existence is about cycles. That everything works in circles. The Jewish calendar, the year and I guess they're saying that experiences do too.
Well, I've been thinking that a lot of things do sort of fit a cycle experience. My hypothesis is that the point in this life is to break bad cycles and create and feed positive ones.
As my brother said today, I eat because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat.
Break the cycle.
I show compassion to one person who shows it to another who shows it to another - feed it.
The eat-fat example looks like a cycle. But truthfully, the compassion one looks more linear.
We are ruining the world. Does that lead us to ruin the world more? Or for other people to ruin the world? Or for the world to ruin us? The cycle theory feels wrong because a circle has to end where it began but I don't think that the world necessarily always work that way.
I'm feeling less convinced about the cycles idea. I'm now thinking more in terms of inertia.
INERTIA
Whatever we chose to do or not do, adds or depletes inertia in the energy realm of that thing.
Compassion: Giving more creates more compassion-inertia.
It gets complicated, though. Like us ruining the world. Yes, we are a bad example on other people in the world and so it makes sense that the inertia is bringing more people to wreck the world. But it also works in other ways. The world ends up being unhealthy for us too. And for other living (and not living) things. So the negative energy in the realm of the nature of the world spreads in different ways.
Sometimes doing something positive can create negative inertia. In some cases, maybe the act was not actually positive - only understood wrongly to be so. Other times, negative inertia from something else "fights" against the inertia being created by the positive act.
For example, during WWII, amazingly a few kind and heroic gentiles saved Jews. But this was at risk of their own lives. So, they were doing something positive but in a certain aspect, the negative inertia was so great that sometimes it was able to fight back (for example if the person was caught and tortured and/or murdered). But still at the same time this person was creating positive inertia, showing amazing capabilities in looking beyond themselves and just doing what they thought was right regardless of the potential terrible consequences.
So here I am reinventing the wheel. But it is an interesting way to perceive the world. The world can be perceived in so many ways, through so many different lenses, using so many different types of rules. The fascinating thing is that I do believe that a lot of them are right. They are just different ways to try to understand existence.
QE
Well, I've been thinking that a lot of things do sort of fit a cycle experience. My hypothesis is that the point in this life is to break bad cycles and create and feed positive ones.
As my brother said today, I eat because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat.
Break the cycle.
I show compassion to one person who shows it to another who shows it to another - feed it.
The eat-fat example looks like a cycle. But truthfully, the compassion one looks more linear.
We are ruining the world. Does that lead us to ruin the world more? Or for other people to ruin the world? Or for the world to ruin us? The cycle theory feels wrong because a circle has to end where it began but I don't think that the world necessarily always work that way.
I'm feeling less convinced about the cycles idea. I'm now thinking more in terms of inertia.
INERTIA
Whatever we chose to do or not do, adds or depletes inertia in the energy realm of that thing.
Compassion: Giving more creates more compassion-inertia.
It gets complicated, though. Like us ruining the world. Yes, we are a bad example on other people in the world and so it makes sense that the inertia is bringing more people to wreck the world. But it also works in other ways. The world ends up being unhealthy for us too. And for other living (and not living) things. So the negative energy in the realm of the nature of the world spreads in different ways.
Sometimes doing something positive can create negative inertia. In some cases, maybe the act was not actually positive - only understood wrongly to be so. Other times, negative inertia from something else "fights" against the inertia being created by the positive act.
For example, during WWII, amazingly a few kind and heroic gentiles saved Jews. But this was at risk of their own lives. So, they were doing something positive but in a certain aspect, the negative inertia was so great that sometimes it was able to fight back (for example if the person was caught and tortured and/or murdered). But still at the same time this person was creating positive inertia, showing amazing capabilities in looking beyond themselves and just doing what they thought was right regardless of the potential terrible consequences.
So here I am reinventing the wheel. But it is an interesting way to perceive the world. The world can be perceived in so many ways, through so many different lenses, using so many different types of rules. The fascinating thing is that I do believe that a lot of them are right. They are just different ways to try to understand existence.
QE
Expectations - not a good thing
Sometimes, actually pretty often, I get this strong feeling of, I want to express myself! I want to write! But when it comes down to it, I don't feel like I have anything to write? What is that all about?
My creative writing teacher has taught us a lot about expectations. Like, what do you expect from your writing? What do others expect? What do you think others expect? What do you hope for? Who do you think you're writing for?
All these questions actually take away from the writing. If you have in mind what you want, then what is supposed to come out of you cannot necessarily. If you're too busy thinking about how you want to make this piece popular in your creative writing course, then you will be too busy trying to fulfill that - a sure way to write a distant, unpopular piece.
You gotta stop trying. You've gotta focus on trying to get into a flow of things.
QE
My creative writing teacher has taught us a lot about expectations. Like, what do you expect from your writing? What do others expect? What do you think others expect? What do you hope for? Who do you think you're writing for?
All these questions actually take away from the writing. If you have in mind what you want, then what is supposed to come out of you cannot necessarily. If you're too busy thinking about how you want to make this piece popular in your creative writing course, then you will be too busy trying to fulfill that - a sure way to write a distant, unpopular piece.
You gotta stop trying. You've gotta focus on trying to get into a flow of things.
QE
Friday, March 16, 2007
Traumatizingly uncomfortable situations
God, you know those situations that are so uncomfortable, just thinking of them afterwards makes you cringe?
This week I had 2 of those.
1st, my teacher offered to drive me home after class and turns out it's because he pretty much wanted to make sure I'm not about to commit suicide. Why? Because though I seem quite jolly in class, my writing is often/almost always depressing and morbid.
Though it was extremely kind of him to show concern, it made me a million times more uncomfortable. Thinking about it, it isn't the 1st time he's made me feel uncomfortable. And I think I know what it is. I write these things, and they are almost always personal, and then he actually does see through it, into me. He really sees me through my writing. And that TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT!!!!
After one thing I read in class for feedback, people kept saying they felt happy at the end of the piece but they weren't sure why. Paul said, I do. He then let someone else finish talking and then gave his feedback.
You know what he said? He said that they were all happy, including himself, because the piece had helped them know me. He said he felt like he was really experiencing me through the piece. My mind, even my body. He said there were points where he felt physically close to me (when I mentioned my stomach making noises, he imagined himself right up next to my stomach). When he said that, I think I blushed, I became so embarrassed!
Even as I write this I am soooo uncomfortable!
There is such a conflict here. On the one hand I like and want to write personal things. On the other hand I fear people truly seeing me and when they do I am really uncomfortable. So interesting.
The other traumatizingly uncomfortable thing that happened to me was today when I called an accountant whose number I got from my roommate (who herself deserves a good few postings on this blog). In the beginning of the conversation, he wouldn't say anything. It was absolutely the strangest thing!
Imagine you say something, no answer. So you say something else, no answer and so on and so forth.
Finally he started talking and then he was totally normal. The rest of the conversation was totally normal! So strange. But during that silence (that at one point, I think lasted around 30 seconds because I just didn't know what to say anymore) I was seriously going crazy!
So, discomfort.
QE
This week I had 2 of those.
1st, my teacher offered to drive me home after class and turns out it's because he pretty much wanted to make sure I'm not about to commit suicide. Why? Because though I seem quite jolly in class, my writing is often/almost always depressing and morbid.
Though it was extremely kind of him to show concern, it made me a million times more uncomfortable. Thinking about it, it isn't the 1st time he's made me feel uncomfortable. And I think I know what it is. I write these things, and they are almost always personal, and then he actually does see through it, into me. He really sees me through my writing. And that TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT!!!!
After one thing I read in class for feedback, people kept saying they felt happy at the end of the piece but they weren't sure why. Paul said, I do. He then let someone else finish talking and then gave his feedback.
You know what he said? He said that they were all happy, including himself, because the piece had helped them know me. He said he felt like he was really experiencing me through the piece. My mind, even my body. He said there were points where he felt physically close to me (when I mentioned my stomach making noises, he imagined himself right up next to my stomach). When he said that, I think I blushed, I became so embarrassed!
Even as I write this I am soooo uncomfortable!
There is such a conflict here. On the one hand I like and want to write personal things. On the other hand I fear people truly seeing me and when they do I am really uncomfortable. So interesting.
The other traumatizingly uncomfortable thing that happened to me was today when I called an accountant whose number I got from my roommate (who herself deserves a good few postings on this blog). In the beginning of the conversation, he wouldn't say anything. It was absolutely the strangest thing!
Imagine you say something, no answer. So you say something else, no answer and so on and so forth.
Finally he started talking and then he was totally normal. The rest of the conversation was totally normal! So strange. But during that silence (that at one point, I think lasted around 30 seconds because I just didn't know what to say anymore) I was seriously going crazy!
So, discomfort.
QE
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Oh, Stories of the Heart
I am back in touch with a guy I dated (2 dates) around 2 years ago. He wrote to me through a dating website not realizing it was me.
He was happy it's me. We are now on opposite sides of the world (Vancouver/Jerusalem).
We have now chatted twice online. It's just that I get myself into such a ridiculous emotional mix-up.
I started getting a crush on him and started having all these hopes of, Oh, maybe it will work out with him now...
And then I find myself constantly testing him. See, he's not the right person for me. He doesn't give me what I need. And I see that but I push it, test him, he obviously fails and then I feel sad, hurt and alone.
But it's all my doing. I so badly want to meet someone that I really connect with, that over and over again I get my hopes up about guys.
Blech. Don't even feel like writing about this anymore.
QE
He was happy it's me. We are now on opposite sides of the world (Vancouver/Jerusalem).
We have now chatted twice online. It's just that I get myself into such a ridiculous emotional mix-up.
I started getting a crush on him and started having all these hopes of, Oh, maybe it will work out with him now...
And then I find myself constantly testing him. See, he's not the right person for me. He doesn't give me what I need. And I see that but I push it, test him, he obviously fails and then I feel sad, hurt and alone.
But it's all my doing. I so badly want to meet someone that I really connect with, that over and over again I get my hopes up about guys.
Blech. Don't even feel like writing about this anymore.
QE
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Last April 11th
Wow. It was last April 11th that I started an email to my immediate family called:
"Understanding (and could I dream of supporting?) me"
In the body of the email I wrote:
"Dear Family,"
How crazy to think of where I was at then and how I was never able to write anymore. Even if I wasn't going to send it. I didn't know what to write, how to write it and I did think about if I even wanted/could write something to my family.
And now, the post before this one, is a letter to my family. It's finally been written. If I send it to them or not, that's a whole other question but at least now I was able to write it. I am happy about this development.
QE
"Understanding (and could I dream of supporting?) me"
In the body of the email I wrote:
"Dear Family,"
How crazy to think of where I was at then and how I was never able to write anymore. Even if I wasn't going to send it. I didn't know what to write, how to write it and I did think about if I even wanted/could write something to my family.
And now, the post before this one, is a letter to my family. It's finally been written. If I send it to them or not, that's a whole other question but at least now I was able to write it. I am happy about this development.
QE
Dear Family, I'm not doing well
Dear Family,
I just feel like you should know that I'm not doing well. It's not right that I am going through so much and I think you don't realize the extent of the issues.
I am not sure who of you have gone through anything similar. But the point I am at in my life is extremely disconcerting.
Imagine your whole life you have a certain point of reference for most anything. And then imagine at a certain point in time you start questioning if you truly believe in this point of reference. You question if it is true and you question if there is truth.
So I have chosen to take an extremely unsettling path of trying to discover what I really think/believe to be true. I do not know if you understand this, respect it or think it silly but I know for myself, it is what I chose to do because it was the only way I could be honest with myself.
The problem is that it is not as if a person leaves one point of reference to be immediately found in a new, equally rooted point.
No. instead, I am currently in a state of extreme flux. I do not know where I am. What I believe in. If there is truth. I do not know what to think about things I see and hear and experience. I feel like I'm floating in space with no certain direction with the strong fear I may never land anywhere at all.
I believe that my current spiritual status is what, more than anything, makes me feel at times extremely down. When I am down that low, I am depressed and scared. Scared I'll never feel up again. Scared of life and so many aspects of it. My consolation is that there are ups and that gives me hope.
I need to know that you take what I'm going through seriously.
So, dear family, know that I am going through a very hard time. Know that I struggle through some of my days in a most fearsome way. Know that me knowing that you have an idea of what I'm going through, even if you cannot relate or empathise helps me because it feels very wrong when you don't. Know that if you can show me some understanding, care, concern and support, it means so much to me and it helps me.
Love,
QE
I just feel like you should know that I'm not doing well. It's not right that I am going through so much and I think you don't realize the extent of the issues.
I am not sure who of you have gone through anything similar. But the point I am at in my life is extremely disconcerting.
Imagine your whole life you have a certain point of reference for most anything. And then imagine at a certain point in time you start questioning if you truly believe in this point of reference. You question if it is true and you question if there is truth.
So I have chosen to take an extremely unsettling path of trying to discover what I really think/believe to be true. I do not know if you understand this, respect it or think it silly but I know for myself, it is what I chose to do because it was the only way I could be honest with myself.
The problem is that it is not as if a person leaves one point of reference to be immediately found in a new, equally rooted point.
No. instead, I am currently in a state of extreme flux. I do not know where I am. What I believe in. If there is truth. I do not know what to think about things I see and hear and experience. I feel like I'm floating in space with no certain direction with the strong fear I may never land anywhere at all.
I believe that my current spiritual status is what, more than anything, makes me feel at times extremely down. When I am down that low, I am depressed and scared. Scared I'll never feel up again. Scared of life and so many aspects of it. My consolation is that there are ups and that gives me hope.
I need to know that you take what I'm going through seriously.
So, dear family, know that I am going through a very hard time. Know that I struggle through some of my days in a most fearsome way. Know that me knowing that you have an idea of what I'm going through, even if you cannot relate or empathise helps me because it feels very wrong when you don't. Know that if you can show me some understanding, care, concern and support, it means so much to me and it helps me.
Love,
QE
Finding that tiny part
Yesterday Hilary said something to me that touched me very deeply. I wrote a poem where I quote Louis Armstrong as saying "It's a wonderful world" but in the poem you can tell I just can't believe that it really is wonderful.
She said that she wishes me to be able to find a tiny part inside of me that is able to believe the wonderfulness.
It touched me so deeply and I was pretty much immediately able to do it. It is just so genius, when I think of what she did. I think without realizing, which in a way makes me so much more amazing.
I am so scared to commit to the idea of it being a wonderful world. I know there are horrible things in this world and so I find I'm not able to look at the mountains and say "What a wonderful world" because what about all the suffering?!
But she didn't tell me to believe the whole world is wonderful. She just hoped for me to see a little bit of wonderfulness. So then I'm able to look at a tree blossoming and see wonder in it without feeling like I'm abandoning all the people being killed in North Korea.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. But it was able to lift me a little bit out of my depression.
I think I will always be indebted to Hilary for this. And, of course, for making me laugh and cry with her writing.
QE
She said that she wishes me to be able to find a tiny part inside of me that is able to believe the wonderfulness.
It touched me so deeply and I was pretty much immediately able to do it. It is just so genius, when I think of what she did. I think without realizing, which in a way makes me so much more amazing.
I am so scared to commit to the idea of it being a wonderful world. I know there are horrible things in this world and so I find I'm not able to look at the mountains and say "What a wonderful world" because what about all the suffering?!
But she didn't tell me to believe the whole world is wonderful. She just hoped for me to see a little bit of wonderfulness. So then I'm able to look at a tree blossoming and see wonder in it without feeling like I'm abandoning all the people being killed in North Korea.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. But it was able to lift me a little bit out of my depression.
I think I will always be indebted to Hilary for this. And, of course, for making me laugh and cry with her writing.
QE
My depression
I'm at an extremely uncomfortable point in my life. And so my morbid, depressing, depressed writing made my creative writing teacher worry about me.
So yesterday after class he asked to talk to me and then offered to drive me wherever I was going so we could talk on the way. So he drove me home. I was so uncomfortable the whole time. Seriously, one of the most uncomfortable settings I've ever been in. Actually makes total sense. I felt terribly vulnerable in so many ways. First of all, though I was almost totally sure I could trust him, I didn't feel comfortable, physically, having him drive me, especially home. Also, he starts asking me about my stuff and talking about my screwed-upness was also terribly uncomfortable.
Those icky feelings were so strong that still when I think about that drive from yesterday, I physically feel it.
Anyway, it's true. I am feeling very down. Things are not easy for me now at all. I am finding life so difficult. I feel so up in the air, not grounded and so uncertain about so many major things. I don't know what I believe in and I find that very scary. I don't know what type of work I want to do and I find that also, so scary.
I am watching my bank account go down. HORRIBLE feeling.
I really don't know what to do.
But speaking to my teacher made me take action for finding someone good to talk to. I have been looking for that someone for so long but I really need it. So I am trying to get in touch with this rabbi I heard about (and met once) who I think might be good for this job.
QE
So yesterday after class he asked to talk to me and then offered to drive me wherever I was going so we could talk on the way. So he drove me home. I was so uncomfortable the whole time. Seriously, one of the most uncomfortable settings I've ever been in. Actually makes total sense. I felt terribly vulnerable in so many ways. First of all, though I was almost totally sure I could trust him, I didn't feel comfortable, physically, having him drive me, especially home. Also, he starts asking me about my stuff and talking about my screwed-upness was also terribly uncomfortable.
Those icky feelings were so strong that still when I think about that drive from yesterday, I physically feel it.
Anyway, it's true. I am feeling very down. Things are not easy for me now at all. I am finding life so difficult. I feel so up in the air, not grounded and so uncertain about so many major things. I don't know what I believe in and I find that very scary. I don't know what type of work I want to do and I find that also, so scary.
I am watching my bank account go down. HORRIBLE feeling.
I really don't know what to do.
But speaking to my teacher made me take action for finding someone good to talk to. I have been looking for that someone for so long but I really need it. So I am trying to get in touch with this rabbi I heard about (and met once) who I think might be good for this job.
QE
Should I kill myself?
Don't worry. I'm not really ready to kill myself. I'm just trying to get you to read my blog. Is that unfair? All is fair in blogs and whatever.
Oh, she sighs deeply... I wish I could write what I want to write.
I'm getting the feeling more and more that everyone has this problem. Everyone has the idea in their head the idea of what type of writing they want to do. But that isn't necessarily the plan of the universe. The universe wants Hilary to write about herself, Heather to rhyme her heart away, me to write one sentences or something.
It's interesting that it's the women in the class who are expressing their concern about this. I wonder if that is just a coincidence or if it is at least partly a gender thing.
But this is something that is connected to everything in life. Wanting to be something you're not. Wanting so desperately for something else to be reality.
Yesterday we did a thing. I never know what to call these things. Anyway, the point was to help us get a feel for the head space that feels good for writing in. It's the space where you don't feel like you're making things up, trying to remember or just trying to do anything, really. All you're doing is writing what's coming to you. It's like these ideas and thoughts are being sent to you and all your job is, is to write them down.
It was very interesting. It worked. I got a bit of a feel for that space.
Oh, she sighs deeply... I wish I could write what I want to write.
I'm getting the feeling more and more that everyone has this problem. Everyone has the idea in their head the idea of what type of writing they want to do. But that isn't necessarily the plan of the universe. The universe wants Hilary to write about herself, Heather to rhyme her heart away, me to write one sentences or something.
It's interesting that it's the women in the class who are expressing their concern about this. I wonder if that is just a coincidence or if it is at least partly a gender thing.
But this is something that is connected to everything in life. Wanting to be something you're not. Wanting so desperately for something else to be reality.
Yesterday we did a thing. I never know what to call these things. Anyway, the point was to help us get a feel for the head space that feels good for writing in. It's the space where you don't feel like you're making things up, trying to remember or just trying to do anything, really. All you're doing is writing what's coming to you. It's like these ideas and thoughts are being sent to you and all your job is, is to write them down.
It was very interesting. It worked. I got a bit of a feel for that space.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Jealous Writing
My teacher tells us about jealous writing. He also tells us to try not to do it. He also tells us that he does it all the time.
Love it!
Jealous writing = trying to write like someone else's writing or just in general with expectations you shouldn't have. Like of what type of stuff you should/want to be writing. What style, who you want to publish it...
So we are supposed to put all our energy into writing and when we're doing jealous writing, we're wasting energy on other crap.
But he "always" does it. Too funny. He says, "I read Kipling, I write like Kipling. I read ___, I write like _____."
So, I'm reading Anne of Green Gables and I do feel like it affects how I write. But it's cool because it opens up new possibilities within you.
You never thought of writing a certain way or you never thought you could but then suddenly, through jealous writing, you find you are able to.
I wonder if I actually understand this properly.
QE
Love it!
Jealous writing = trying to write like someone else's writing or just in general with expectations you shouldn't have. Like of what type of stuff you should/want to be writing. What style, who you want to publish it...
So we are supposed to put all our energy into writing and when we're doing jealous writing, we're wasting energy on other crap.
But he "always" does it. Too funny. He says, "I read Kipling, I write like Kipling. I read ___, I write like _____."
So, I'm reading Anne of Green Gables and I do feel like it affects how I write. But it's cool because it opens up new possibilities within you.
You never thought of writing a certain way or you never thought you could but then suddenly, through jealous writing, you find you are able to.
I wonder if I actually understand this properly.
QE
I can't sleep
Why can't I sleep? Does it have to do with the time-change? But that doesn't make sense because it's still 1am "for me".
Today I thought of a few things I wanted to write here but now I don't know if I really feel like writing. I don't like when I want to write but I don't feel like writing.
My creative writing teacher quoted a certain writer as saying, "I only write when I'm inspired. And I make sure to be inspired every morning at 9:00." Such an amusing quote.
I'm currently reading Anne of Green Gables. I am watching the tv series with my friend so I was worried it would be difficult to read after watching. In the beginning it was but now mostly it's just really fun and enjoyable.
One woman in my writing course, I just love how she writes. In general how she expresses herself. She has such a way about her. It is utterly amusing. She has this totally funny, subtle sense of humour. She is very smart and sensitive. So those together make her writing so enjoyable.
Hmmm, I have those qualities as well. Pretty much...
Today I applied to a writing job, writing a recipe column. I went through stuff I've written to send an example. I was so impressed! It's nice to look back at what I've written because I see how much I've written and that so much of it is really quite good. It's quite impressive.
I don't know why I keep on wanting to use the word "utterly". Maybe Anne Shirley uses it.
It's utterly hilarious that people sometimes call her Anne Shirley. Shirley is her last name. Imagine someone calling you by your 1st and last name. Utterly amusing.
Speaking of using the same word over and over, this woman whose writing I utterly enjoy, has a great vocabulary. I often don't understand words she uses but I utterly get a kick out of how she uses them, even without understanding them. It is utterly fascinating. :) Do you feel like smacking me yet? Or should I say, do you utterly feel like utterly smacking me yet?
Gotta love it. Cuz if you aint lovin' it, you're hatin' it!
Are blogs evil? The reason I ask is because I'm just thinking. You can post (utterly?) anything in a blog. Anyone can have a blog about anything and they can write whatever they want.
So it's nice that people get to express themselves but, say, this posting I'm writing right now. Isn't it a waste of time? Wouldn't it be better if I wrote it and then deleted it? But instead I'm going to post it because, besides the fact that I fear delete, I sort of feel like I may as well post it because, well, maybe it isn't so bad and maybe someone will get something out of it.
Also, one day when I'm extremely, utterly famous, people will want to get their hands on anything and everything I've ever written. And once I've been gone from this world for a good few years, I'll allow this blog to be uncovered. And then, oh man! It'll become a book and it'll sell so many millions of copies in so many languages! Wow! And this posting will be especially famous (maybe my most famous piece ever written) because people will think it's utterly :) prophetic how I wrote here.
Amazing how she pretty much wrote, word for word, what actually happened!
It is going to be so exciting for people to get their hands on this stuff.
And then will start all the other bloggers who will claim that their blogs were actually written by me. But my writing is so distinctive that it will be almost impossible to get anyone to believe them. Maybe one person who is really, really smart and talented will be able to convince people about their blog being mine.
The debates between the "Deena experts" will be hot and personal. They'll hate each other. Half will think the guy's blog is mine while half will "know" it isn't.
Anyway, that's what's gonna happen with this posting and that is why, even though it's probably not gonna be read by anyone until years after I'm gone, I must post it!
QE
Today I thought of a few things I wanted to write here but now I don't know if I really feel like writing. I don't like when I want to write but I don't feel like writing.
My creative writing teacher quoted a certain writer as saying, "I only write when I'm inspired. And I make sure to be inspired every morning at 9:00." Such an amusing quote.
I'm currently reading Anne of Green Gables. I am watching the tv series with my friend so I was worried it would be difficult to read after watching. In the beginning it was but now mostly it's just really fun and enjoyable.
One woman in my writing course, I just love how she writes. In general how she expresses herself. She has such a way about her. It is utterly amusing. She has this totally funny, subtle sense of humour. She is very smart and sensitive. So those together make her writing so enjoyable.
Hmmm, I have those qualities as well. Pretty much...
Today I applied to a writing job, writing a recipe column. I went through stuff I've written to send an example. I was so impressed! It's nice to look back at what I've written because I see how much I've written and that so much of it is really quite good. It's quite impressive.
I don't know why I keep on wanting to use the word "utterly". Maybe Anne Shirley uses it.
It's utterly hilarious that people sometimes call her Anne Shirley. Shirley is her last name. Imagine someone calling you by your 1st and last name. Utterly amusing.
Speaking of using the same word over and over, this woman whose writing I utterly enjoy, has a great vocabulary. I often don't understand words she uses but I utterly get a kick out of how she uses them, even without understanding them. It is utterly fascinating. :) Do you feel like smacking me yet? Or should I say, do you utterly feel like utterly smacking me yet?
Gotta love it. Cuz if you aint lovin' it, you're hatin' it!
Are blogs evil? The reason I ask is because I'm just thinking. You can post (utterly?) anything in a blog. Anyone can have a blog about anything and they can write whatever they want.
So it's nice that people get to express themselves but, say, this posting I'm writing right now. Isn't it a waste of time? Wouldn't it be better if I wrote it and then deleted it? But instead I'm going to post it because, besides the fact that I fear delete, I sort of feel like I may as well post it because, well, maybe it isn't so bad and maybe someone will get something out of it.
Also, one day when I'm extremely, utterly famous, people will want to get their hands on anything and everything I've ever written. And once I've been gone from this world for a good few years, I'll allow this blog to be uncovered. And then, oh man! It'll become a book and it'll sell so many millions of copies in so many languages! Wow! And this posting will be especially famous (maybe my most famous piece ever written) because people will think it's utterly :) prophetic how I wrote here.
Amazing how she pretty much wrote, word for word, what actually happened!
It is going to be so exciting for people to get their hands on this stuff.
And then will start all the other bloggers who will claim that their blogs were actually written by me. But my writing is so distinctive that it will be almost impossible to get anyone to believe them. Maybe one person who is really, really smart and talented will be able to convince people about their blog being mine.
The debates between the "Deena experts" will be hot and personal. They'll hate each other. Half will think the guy's blog is mine while half will "know" it isn't.
Anyway, that's what's gonna happen with this posting and that is why, even though it's probably not gonna be read by anyone until years after I'm gone, I must post it!
QE
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Desperately Sad
Here I am, almost 28 years old, very talented, very smart, and interviewing for babysitting jobs. I mean, it's one thing if I'm doing it because it is truly what I want to do with my life. But to do it because I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life is, to say the least, an unhappy experience.
One good thing is that I am learning a ton. I am seeing how different people work. Those who want references and those who "hire" me immediately. Those who involve the kids, those who don't.
I see how people are reacting with each other inside their homes. Yes, with me there it is different than if I weren't but it's still fascinating because how my presence affects them is really interesting.
The last family I visited, lets give them names. Angy - mom. Abe - son (8 years old). Johny - husband/step-dad.
Mom - Asian (I think Hong Kong). Son, Asian look, but very North American. Dad, very Jewish looking.
Abe was disrespectful to Angy. Wouldn't listen to her, argued with her, made fun of her accent. Angy was practically begging him to listen. It was embarrassing for me to see this. When a person's parenting is being totally ineffective, why don't they try to learn more about it? My aunt is 50 with kids ranging from 28 to 13 and she is always in parenting classes. Why is it not accepted to study how to be a parent?
Omigosh. Epiphany. I know what I want to do with my life. 1st I want to get married and have kids. Then I have to give classes and sessions on parenting. Because my theory is that everything begins in the home. I think that will only be more and more proven over the next years. And so, in order to effect change, you must go to the source - the family.
Angy, Abe and Johny are so in need of help. Abe is acting like a teenager. The mom seems to be forcing all these things on the son. He's been playing piano for 3 years!!! He's only 8! And what he played sounded really nice. Shit! What do they expect from him?! When I said I was impressed with his playing, she was sincerely surprised! Oh my God! So she says that most of the kids where he plays are on a higher level than him. No shit!
One of the things she wants is someone to "help" him practice. Oh, you mean sit and breath down his neck?
Damn, I feel sorry for that poor, poor boy. Week after week the teacher sits with him (for an hour!!!!) and one of the things she keeps writing in the notebook is, "Do what I wrote last week." The mom showed me how she has written that about a certain song week after week after week. So in order to know what it is he's supposed to do, you have to go back weeks! And she writes that he's talented and smart but he's not practicing so every week they have to do the same thing.
Does anyone want to stop this stupidity?! Why does the teacher keep teaching him? Why does the mother keep sending him? Why does the teacher keep pushing him to work on the same song if HE OBVIOUSLY IS NOT PRACTICING THAT SONG!? It is crushing this extremely intelligent, talented kid's self esteem deep into the ground. Something that will take years to repair.
When I asked the mother if she knew how to play she said (very longingly), "No."
Damn, damn, damn. She is freakin' living pricariously through him.
Shit. If I ever do that to my kids, GOD FORBID!!!!!!!, please smack me.
There are more things about this family. I can't get into everything. But she is looking for someone to "help" him with his homework and "help" him with his piano and pretty much try desperately not to let him watch tv and play on the computer all day.
I think this is a battle either to be fought by a real expert OR she should stop working full-time! She should be spending the afternoons with him.
I have no idea what is helping her make these decisions but they are both paying and the distance between them is already so apparent. The way he draws away from her when she touches him. The way they talk to each other. And this is only when he's eight.
I never saw an 8-year-old so obviously act like a bitter, angry, hurt teenager. It is a sad, desperately sad, tragic thing.
One good thing is that I am learning a ton. I am seeing how different people work. Those who want references and those who "hire" me immediately. Those who involve the kids, those who don't.
I see how people are reacting with each other inside their homes. Yes, with me there it is different than if I weren't but it's still fascinating because how my presence affects them is really interesting.
The last family I visited, lets give them names. Angy - mom. Abe - son (8 years old). Johny - husband/step-dad.
Mom - Asian (I think Hong Kong). Son, Asian look, but very North American. Dad, very Jewish looking.
Abe was disrespectful to Angy. Wouldn't listen to her, argued with her, made fun of her accent. Angy was practically begging him to listen. It was embarrassing for me to see this. When a person's parenting is being totally ineffective, why don't they try to learn more about it? My aunt is 50 with kids ranging from 28 to 13 and she is always in parenting classes. Why is it not accepted to study how to be a parent?
Omigosh. Epiphany. I know what I want to do with my life. 1st I want to get married and have kids. Then I have to give classes and sessions on parenting. Because my theory is that everything begins in the home. I think that will only be more and more proven over the next years. And so, in order to effect change, you must go to the source - the family.
Angy, Abe and Johny are so in need of help. Abe is acting like a teenager. The mom seems to be forcing all these things on the son. He's been playing piano for 3 years!!! He's only 8! And what he played sounded really nice. Shit! What do they expect from him?! When I said I was impressed with his playing, she was sincerely surprised! Oh my God! So she says that most of the kids where he plays are on a higher level than him. No shit!
One of the things she wants is someone to "help" him practice. Oh, you mean sit and breath down his neck?
Damn, I feel sorry for that poor, poor boy. Week after week the teacher sits with him (for an hour!!!!) and one of the things she keeps writing in the notebook is, "Do what I wrote last week." The mom showed me how she has written that about a certain song week after week after week. So in order to know what it is he's supposed to do, you have to go back weeks! And she writes that he's talented and smart but he's not practicing so every week they have to do the same thing.
Does anyone want to stop this stupidity?! Why does the teacher keep teaching him? Why does the mother keep sending him? Why does the teacher keep pushing him to work on the same song if HE OBVIOUSLY IS NOT PRACTICING THAT SONG!? It is crushing this extremely intelligent, talented kid's self esteem deep into the ground. Something that will take years to repair.
When I asked the mother if she knew how to play she said (very longingly), "No."
Damn, damn, damn. She is freakin' living pricariously through him.
Shit. If I ever do that to my kids, GOD FORBID!!!!!!!, please smack me.
There are more things about this family. I can't get into everything. But she is looking for someone to "help" him with his homework and "help" him with his piano and pretty much try desperately not to let him watch tv and play on the computer all day.
I think this is a battle either to be fought by a real expert OR she should stop working full-time! She should be spending the afternoons with him.
I have no idea what is helping her make these decisions but they are both paying and the distance between them is already so apparent. The way he draws away from her when she touches him. The way they talk to each other. And this is only when he's eight.
I never saw an 8-year-old so obviously act like a bitter, angry, hurt teenager. It is a sad, desperately sad, tragic thing.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Over a year
It's been over a year since I started this blog. It has been along with me through big changes. But for a long time I stopped writing in it. Didn't really feel the need. Didn't really feel like it.
What makes me want to write in my blog, not want to write in it and then want to write in it again?
QE
What makes me want to write in my blog, not want to write in it and then want to write in it again?
QE
People like real
What is it that's made people like my writing? It's my realness. It is when I'm trying to really write what's really going on in my head that people give me positive feedback. Is it only then? I don't know. But it definitely sticks out, especially from my creative writing course.
I'm considering getting back into blogging. Is it a good idea now that I have my writing course? We have a website where I could post things so maybe I should keep my stuff for that. But truthfully, I won't post everything but my blog is a place where I would post a lot more of my stuff.
I am trying to figure out what I need in order to get myself writing. Writing good. And writing good stuff.
One thing that was pretty good for me was when the teacher told us to just listen for 20 minutes, not think about writing, and then write. I like (don't love but at least like) what came out after that exercise. I must stop, think, listen. Listen around me and listen to myself.
My teacher said something really good. He said that chances are, in order for me to do something useful, I will need to use all of myself. And when part of me is worrying about, "Will it sell," and, "Will people like it," etc., then not all of me is in my writing process.
And it is amazing how almost everything he says about writing, is connected to all of life.
In order to really fulfill yourself, you need to be doing and not "wasting" your energy on all the other stuff.
Sigh, if only I could get there. But I suppose writing is a good place to practice.
It's actually a great place to practice. Because it's private as long as you choose it to be. So it is a relatively comfortable way to work on being yourself without all the worries around it.
If, theoretically, I never read another thing out loud in class, or, I never read another thing to anyone ever or never publish or whatever, that is totally fine.
I don't feel totally OK with that last paragraph....... Oh, I do want to share my writing and I'd love to get published one day!
But to get to those points, I need to go through the process. It's like I want to skip a step and that is bad, very bad. :)
Oh life... Life need patience. Lots of it. LOTS OF IT! We really do live in a time of, I WANT IT NOW. And no, you shall not get it now because it is literally impossible. You first need to go through steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.......
Patience...
I so often want things immediately. It's like I don't mail a letter to my sister because I know it is going to take a couple of weeks to get there. Meanwhile it's sitting in my purse! I hate the waiting period.
We need to start focusing more on the positive aspects of the waiting periods (the processes) and how they are ends unto themselves. Talk about how much we get out of them.
Everything in life is like a learning experience. Sigh... that is supposed to be a good thing.
Anyway, gotta go to sleep.
QE
I'm considering getting back into blogging. Is it a good idea now that I have my writing course? We have a website where I could post things so maybe I should keep my stuff for that. But truthfully, I won't post everything but my blog is a place where I would post a lot more of my stuff.
I am trying to figure out what I need in order to get myself writing. Writing good. And writing good stuff.
One thing that was pretty good for me was when the teacher told us to just listen for 20 minutes, not think about writing, and then write. I like (don't love but at least like) what came out after that exercise. I must stop, think, listen. Listen around me and listen to myself.
My teacher said something really good. He said that chances are, in order for me to do something useful, I will need to use all of myself. And when part of me is worrying about, "Will it sell," and, "Will people like it," etc., then not all of me is in my writing process.
And it is amazing how almost everything he says about writing, is connected to all of life.
In order to really fulfill yourself, you need to be doing and not "wasting" your energy on all the other stuff.
Sigh, if only I could get there. But I suppose writing is a good place to practice.
It's actually a great place to practice. Because it's private as long as you choose it to be. So it is a relatively comfortable way to work on being yourself without all the worries around it.
If, theoretically, I never read another thing out loud in class, or, I never read another thing to anyone ever or never publish or whatever, that is totally fine.
I don't feel totally OK with that last paragraph....... Oh, I do want to share my writing and I'd love to get published one day!
But to get to those points, I need to go through the process. It's like I want to skip a step and that is bad, very bad. :)
Oh life... Life need patience. Lots of it. LOTS OF IT! We really do live in a time of, I WANT IT NOW. And no, you shall not get it now because it is literally impossible. You first need to go through steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.......
Patience...
I so often want things immediately. It's like I don't mail a letter to my sister because I know it is going to take a couple of weeks to get there. Meanwhile it's sitting in my purse! I hate the waiting period.
We need to start focusing more on the positive aspects of the waiting periods (the processes) and how they are ends unto themselves. Talk about how much we get out of them.
Everything in life is like a learning experience. Sigh... that is supposed to be a good thing.
Anyway, gotta go to sleep.
QE
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