I might fall in love if I stop focusing on the negative

My boy toy (as he likes to be called by me) is sweet and good as anything. But meanwhile I’m very busy. With what? Making lists and updating them of the negative things I see in him. Things he does which might be “negative”, immediately draw up a red flag for me.

I really do think that if I truly come to terms with the fact that any guy I meet is going to have “bad” things about them, I’ll have way stronger attraction towards my beau. He has such important qualities. He is a really hard worker. He is very, very, very, very, very, very (I can’t stop because it feels like it’s not enough) good to me. He likes to communicate about things. He has a very logical and different mind. He’s often able to think about something in the opposite way that I’d think about it.

He wants religion in his life. He makes me laugh. Did I mention he’s good to me?

I have decided to stop smiling

It is way less brave of me to write this on my anonymous blog than if I were to write it on my personal blog. The one that is automatically attached at the bottom of every email I send.

I am sick of being fake. I'm sick of smiling and laughing while inside that's not what I'm feeling. And so I've decided to stop. Yes, I’ve decided to stop fake smiling.

It is one of the biggest most exciting decisions I’ve ever made. As my best friend said, “You never have to laugh at a joke again.” Beautiful.

But wow, it’s so hard. Last night I told my boyfriend about my decision. It is my relationship with him that’s really brought me to this decision. My fakeness is not enabling us to get closer. Or at least see if we can. Because he’s not getting true feedback and he’s not experiencing the real, true me.

He is very jokey and it really annoys me but though I’ve spoken to him about it, when it comes down to it, if the feedback he’s getting is me smiling or laughing, then he’s not getting real feedback. It's become a vicious cycle.

Today I feel crappy. I hope it’s just that this change is so difficult and so it’ll be a hard change. I actually don’t mind that so much. Because I feel so good about the decision. It’ll help me have much better relationships with people. It’ll help me be a calmer person. Why? Because my smiles are people-pleaser smiles, often, and in general I’m just trying to figure out how to please people all the time. How to do the right thing all the time. It is so freakin’ stressful. It’s a load off my shoulders, not trying to please people anymore.

Not that I’m there yet but the idea is very, very exciting.

A therapist I went to around 1.5 years ago told me she thinks I use my smile. It's taken me all that time to get from feeling defensive when she said it to making this decision, yesterday. Thank God for time.

Wow. I’m so excited about this. It is so important and, as my bf said, noble.

Even writing won't help

You know, sometimes the situation is so bad that it feels like even writing won’t help. Actually, it’s so nerve-wracking that I can barely even get myself to write. Writing is not what I want to be doing right now! It’s almost 6am and I haven’t slept yet “tonight”. I want to be shlufing (sleeping in Yiddish) like a log. I’d say like a baby but that would probably mean waking up every few hours.

I seriously can’t believe I’m up. Uch, uch, uch.

I hung out with V tonight. We went to watch Canada Day fireworks. We sat on the grass in a park amongst many other people. After they were over, almost everyone got up and left. A couple other groups of people stayed but slowly even they left (I think). So there we were, just hanging out on the grass. We put our jackets out and just lay on the grass schmoozing. Was it nice? Yeah, pretty nice. Except that I’m quite freaked out. Am I not letting myself have a fully good time with him because I’m freaked out (quite possibly) or is it really that the things that are currently issues for me really are serious issues and so I won’t be able to have a fully good time with him. I don’t feel like writing a question mark at the end of that supposed question.

Because I’m totally, freakin’ tired and the sun is up and I want to sleep.

QE

OH MY GOD I HAVE THE BIGGEST CRUSH!!!!

Wow. I'm totally out of control. Wow wow wow. What can I say. I have the biggest crush. I wrote to V 2 days ago and I asked him if he's sure he doesn't like me as more than a friend. He wrote back that he’s not sure yet and that he prefers to talk about it in person.

Then, last night he had a date with someone else. Today, his feedback to me about the date sounded really strange. When I told him that what he’d written was really weird, he said the date was weird on the same level and that he’ll tell me about it in person.

*Imagination goes wild*

And now we’ve become so much more flirty with each other. In such a nerdy way.

We started a “bracha” (blessing) contest. As in, who can give the other a better, bigger bracha. Of course I won. But he’s so sweet because he kept saying that he has more brachot (blessings) that he’d want to give me. Like, that he feels like blessing me a lot. Teehee…

As my best friend put it, she doesn’t want me leading myself on. As in, jumping to conclusions, getting my hopes up. Of course having hope is absolutely lovely.

K, I feel like today is gonna be so unproductive because I’m too busy being emotional. And having cramps but that has nothing to do with this. :)

Crush continued

Oh, how I wish I had something better to do than think and write about my new crush but... oh! I do.

Sigh... maybe I do but that doesn't mean I am.

Today was a social thing. Me and Mr. Crush(er) live quite close to each other and so at the last minute he asked me if I wanted a lift. So he picked me up near my house. It was nice of him.

Wow. I just sat here for a few minutes day dreaming about him. I'm not kidding! I stopped writing, leaned forwards, leaned my head in my hands and just stared into nothingness while thinking about him.

How crazy are we?!?!?!

Anyway, he does things that TOTALLY bother me. But I TOTALLY like him. I just want to look at him and stand (or sit) near him. I just wanna talk to him.

I have to make a decision at some point if I want to talk to him about all of this. The 1st thing I'd ask is, "When you said you wished I was 22, was that like, 'This is what I have to say, now lets move on,' or, 'This is what I have to say and I'm open to discussing it further?'"

I suppose that if he were to say the former, then I'd have a pretty clear idea of how he feels and I'd have an easier time moving on. If he were to say the latter, then there'd be something to talk about.

On the way over, his friend was also in the car. At one point he asked me how old I am and when I said 28 he exclaimed something like, "Wow!" It doesn't really bother me but I do wonder if that is/could be an issue for Mr. Crush. I'd think that his peers would think it's the coolest thing ever.

I feel like in person we've started having this thing going on where we're somewhat on the same wave-length. I can make a joke that he totally gets and visa versa. And we even have a few inside jokes already. Weird, I know. Even my status on facebook right now is for his benefit!

But it keeps being me initiating contact. Mostly. Like, I could be online now for hours in MSN IM and not hear a word from him. And I don't think that he's not around. Sometimes it is but there are times I've started a conversation and he's right there.

So I sort of feel like there are mixed messages. In person I really do feel like he somewhat has a crush on me. And after we chat he says things like, "It was amazing talking to you, as usual." But on the other hand it feels like he's not actually thinking about me at all. I'd say that maybe he's not making contact on purpose in order to not make too much of a connection but I actually highly doubt that.

Sigh, sigh, sigh...

QE

Yet another new crush

It's so lame that I don't write on this blog for who knows how long and now I am, only because I have a new crush. Seriously...

But I do have a new crush and at this moment I am blind typing while looking at my double reflection in my large, bedroom window. In case you don't understand, it is double because it is double pane.

Anyway, I am very pretty. Thank God. I have these really lovely facial features. Nice cheekbones. I'm not the skinniest thing but definitely not over-weight.

I totally could use some extra toning and of course I have the things about my body that I think are not nice, but all in all I am pleasant to look at. And, amazingly, my brain is good too! I'm interesting. I'm always thinking and often I have unique, worthwhile thoughts. I am also usually very nice. I'm quite good with people. I hate to presume that I understand them but often I am just good at dealing well with people to make them feel good.

So where is this boy that should come along and be just so perfect for me? Where is the guy who also looks nice, is very smart, thinks, cares about good things like fellow humans, is interested in Judaism, can make/is making a decent living AND we both really like each other?

This new boy seems to really appreciate a lot of things about me. And he said to me the other day, - with such bravery! - "If only you were 22." He is 22. I'm 28.

On a few occasions he's acted so enthusiastically about me. It is soooo nice to be appreciated. It's the best feeling. No, it is potentially the best feeling. The best feeling is being appreciated by someone who you like back.

Mr. 22 year old is someone I am happy to have appreciate me. It's just the most interesting, cool, different experience to feel good about him appreciating me, instead of wanting to turn and run in the opposite direction. I like when he looks at me. The last guy I dated made me feel uncomfortable all the time! I like looking at him. Whether he's looking back or not. Yes, including eye contact! Last guy? Uh-uh!

So certain things draw me towards him. But I am also so aware of things that really bother me about him. Really, really. Including that we can chat on MSN IM and I'm just feeling not good most of the time. For different reasons... but is this important? Not that chatting is in itself important but does it mean anything in the bigger picture? There are also things he does that bother me.

But there are so many things that I really like! I love that he comes from a good family. I don't have to meet them, even, to know this. Why? Because he is in touch with them all the time. Because he was a home-body (like me!) most of his life because he was just happy at home with his family. His parents, although Russian, are still married! He's into Judaism and is trying to learn more and more about it.

There is also a growing list of totally strange coincidences between us.

He shares the same sign with my dad (and mom). I share with his mom. I sometimes remind him of his mom and he sometimes reminds me of my dad.
His 1st girl friend's name was extremely similar to mine and her email consisted of the meaning of my 2nd name.
We are very possibly in good places for each other religiously.
He has three (shallow) things that I am attracted to: He's Russia, an engineer and younger than me!
We've both been not very sociable and quite home-body-ish most of our lives and have become more sociable lately.
We both arrived in Vancouver from Toronto the end of August/beginning of September, 2006.

He's similar to the picture I have in my mind of what I'm looking for. I'm obviously similar to his picture because he said he wished I was younger and then he said, "If you meet someone who's exactly like you but 22, please set us up."

There are so many things about him that make me see BIG questions marks but I will probably talk to him if I don't start calming down about him soon.

I got some advice from my non-religious friend. I also got advice from my best friend and another close friend who's religious. I have taken my non-religious friend's advice and do not feel good about it.

She told me to throw hints. Granted, she mentioned this before he told me he likes me but the situation is still similar in that I still don't really know how he feels and if he'd be interested in taking real steps... Anyway, when we were chatting now I did that a few times and it just makes me feel badly. If I say something straight out, I feel like it's so much more, well, it lacks the game-aspect of the game. :) But when I was throwing hints, it was just freakin' hints and what do I get for it? Do I know more? Do I feel good about myself? No, not really! I feel pretty stupid, very vulnerable.

If I were to have a straight-forward talk with him, I don't think I'd feel stupid. I'd feel more in control. I'd feel more sure about the facts. It's a hard thing to do but if I think it really might be worth a try, then, I think I'll do what I gotta do. Well, what I wanna do. :)

Right now, we keep seeing each other places. At pub night, at a Torah class, a Shabbat meal, tomorrow at a bbq... So I want to see how I feel when I keep seeing him.

On a final note, one of my friends asked me if he looks young. I wasn't sure how to answer that. He doesn't look old but I was pretty sure he doesn't look like a pisher.

Well, now I know for sure!!! I met a guy today who to me is a kid. And then it turned out he's 24 years old! He's 2 years older than my current crush but looks way younger and more immature.

Mr. Crush is way attractive to me, presently.

QE

What's it like to be him?

In connection with my last posting, it's impossible for me to know what it's like to be him.

S's first impression to people is, weird weird weird. The 1st time I met him, I was ready to run away. He came up to me - way too close. He talked in this soft, strange voice. He looked at me too intensely. Sadly, I thought, Freak! And I also thought, How do I get away from this person as quickly as possible.

Many months since our 1st meeting, I felt overcome with more sadness towards him than usual. I always feel badly that people aren't nice enough to him but one Shabbat, it was so bad and I decided, I am not going to be like everyone else. I decided that I am going to show interest in what he has to say (even though he talks super slow and it's hard to follow his train of thoughts). So I did. And then I found myself sincerely interested in what he had to say.

Since that fated day, we have become friends. And he opens up about how he "is". Many people who are "weird", know they are. And, of course, they often know when they're being treated badly.

Breaks your heart.

Last night he told me something new. I do not know if it's a secret or not. I do not feel comfortable sharing other people's secrets online, even if this is an anon-blog.

So I realized why he is like he is.

Anyway, again, like I mentioned in the last posting, I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to live a life like his. I feel sympathy and sadness for the hardships he needs to endure. I think he is a way stronger person than most people, because he has to be in order to live his life and yet still be a kind, caring, smart, sweet guy.

QE

I can't relate so I don't know

Those of us who care, try to understand others. We try to understand why they do what they do. We also try to understand how it feels to be in their shoes.

But we have no freakin' idea. A waitress serves me. I show appreciation towards her. I imagine what it must be like to be on your feet serving people for 8 hours a day - or does she work longer shifts than that?

I hear that something tragic happened. I might feel sad for the people affected. I might try to imagine how it must feel to be in that situation.

I have no idea! I think I'm empathetic but I'm not.

I have a few very new experiences this week. They opened my eyes to how people going through similar things must feel. They opened my eyes to just how much I just don't know what other people go through.

What events conspired over the last week?

1. I worked in a professional kitchen for 6.5 hours, preparing food for a bat mitzva that was happening right outside the kitchen door.
2. I told my grandmother something about myself that I knew she would take very badly.
3. I babysat a family with a 2-year old daughter and 2-month old twin boys.

I've thought, what must it be like to work hard in a professional kitchen. I've thought what it must be like for people to be open with their family about things that go against what the family believes in. I've thought what it must be like to care for children from multiple births.

I HAD NO IDEA.

So what do I know now? Well, I know those topics a little better. And I also have ingrained in me, at least a little deeper now, that I can't relate to most people's situations and so I literally do not know!

QE

Meeting crazy people

Last night I met some crazy people. One girl claimed over and over again to be very sensitive and tried to give the air of being good and open but she was, in fact, very closed and negative. Actually, I don't know what she is.

She told me about her trip to Israel and she said that the whole Middle East is so preoccupied with war that she couldn't have a good time there. She was talking really harshly about people there. And then she mentioned the book, "The Secret" and said I should read it because then I'd understand.

I only listened to her when she talked about Israel like that. I wanted to hear what she had to say, think about how much truth I thought there was in it. But she was extremely judgmental, which is never attractive to me. She was extremely negative. Something that turns me off.

Later on she told me that she's been married for 2 years. She met her husband online. Sounds nice, no? But no. They've gone through some really hard times since they got married. I asked her how things are now and she said better. Then she told me that, in fact, it's all because of a horrible mother-in-law. All of it. Isn't that amazing? It's great when you can blame everything on one person.

She said that her in laws are really screwed up people. She said they put on a show but really their not good people. She said that anyone who likes them is obviously shallow because "They are not good people so you can't be good if you like them."

I told her I thought that was harsh, that she was saying that anyone who likes these people, is shallow and not a nice person.

At one point she said to me, "Do I look like a person who doesn't get along with people? Doesn't like people?" I should have said, "Yes."

The amusing thing was the whole table that I was at. There was this girl, a man in his 60's who I'll talk about in a second and another middle-aged guy. Each of us has really strong personalities and we didn't all get along at all.

The 60-something year old was arguing with this girl. He was annoying the hell out of her! I found that interesting and I tested the things he was saying. But for me it was amusing. For her, intolerable. She pretty much thought he was crazy and weird. I, on the other hand, was thinking that he might be saying the truth.

The middle-aged guy was a sort of stuck-up, young looking 40-50 something year old. He decided that he needed to teach me to respect my elders. He made really large generalizations, like about how "young people" think they know everything. He explained that young people are in their 20's and 30's. He said we should realize that older people have more experience so we should shut up and listen to them.

In other words, he wanted me to kiss the ground he walks on. It was so obvious. Because he was so stuck up about it. And I was infuriated (not joking) because he was so condescending. I told him that I totally do not think I know everything! I also told him that I believed I had something to learn from every person I meet, regardless of their age. I said that if I was going to decide who to learn from by asking them their age first, I would be missing out!

The whole time, the 60-something guy was on my side. It made me feel better. He was sort of like my debate coach. I'm terrible. I get really angry. I attack. I take things personally. And he would say things to me like, "Don't get negative because that will end the conversation." That was very interesting.

What was sadly funny was that I ended up so pissed off at him that I really was just attacking him and at one point he said, "You don't listen. You keep interrupting" and I was totally aware of the fact that I immediately interrupted him to say something. :) It was seriously ridiculous.

Still now, when I think of it, it infuriates me. He was so stuck-up and was so trying to "put me in my place". Or at least in the place that he believed I belonged in.

Grrrr... I know that his ideas are a waste of space but I can't help but write about it...

I told him that I do agree that older people have more experience just because of the plain fact that they've been alive longer. But I said that someone could have an experience at the age of 10 that makes them wise in a way that the 40-year old isn't, if he hasn't gone through that experience. I'm so happy I didn't actually think of my cousins who went through tragedy just then because I know I would have brought them into the argument and I don't know if I'd have felt good about that afterwards. The idea of a person being wise at the age of 10 was absurd to him. Ha! If that idea is absurd then there really is nothing to talk about.

As for the oldest guy at the table. He is funny. He is a very sweet guy but if you only notice him a little bit here and there, he seems harsh. And there is something harsh about him but it's not that he has meanness in him. It's that he is whole-heartedly on a truth-seeking path. If it's true, he's gonna say it. His tactics are, SHOOT! So he pissed off the other girl at the table because he was saying things to her that just didn't jive with her current way of processing the world. He told me when she walked away for a bit, that he was trying to save her some suffering in the future, even though she was doubtlessly going to suffer anyway. Yikes. But I could see what he was saying. She's studying to become a life coach. He said she should fix her life 1st. Harsh but... very very true! I would NOT want to go to her. She is so negative and has all these negative things in her mind and life.

When she said she also does match-making (she says it's really fun - oy), again he said that she should fix her own life first.

He told me that she's trying to build a status for herself with this healing and life-coaching business. She's calling it a career because she's trying to build a name for herself, or something. I didn't totally get what was wrong with that except that if you're so busy building a name for yourself, you may forget to build yourself. That's probably what he meant. Her eye is on the wrong target and at some point a person falls if they focus on the wrong target.

After he pointed some things out to me about her, I lost interest in her. Truth is, I wasn't thrilled about her to begin with. But after the things he said, she started annoying me. She was trying to find my calling for me. I'm not kidding! She was being all, "Oh, I feel bad energy in the nutrition field for you... Hmmm.... I see you going back to school." ??????????????? I think she probably does prefer to fix other people's lives instead of her own. I just felt like telling her to mind her own business and stop trying to pretend that she knows anything about me.

So now I'm totally curious what he thinks of me! I think he might be a very wise man who really sees through people quite quickly.

QE

Freaking out

Omigosh. I have a dream of having a website. I bought a domain name and hosting and my sister now helped me get it up, using wordpress. And now I'm totally freaked out because I have no idea what I'm doing. Like now freakin' idea!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so overwhelmed. OH MY GOSH. OMIGOSH!!! OMIGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm freaking out. Gotta get over it and move on.

I just so want this to work and I have no idea what I'm doing.

OK, not no idea. I know how to read, don't I? What more do I need? I'm smart. I should be able to do it if I decide I want to.

It's like in an article I was reading today. That if a person feels the relationship of what they are learning, to themselves, they'll want to put effort into learning that thing.

QE

Being Alone

How hard it is to be alone. A few times, when I've expressed my life difficulties to my aunt, she has said to me, "And you're all alone."

Finally I realized what she meant. I've never experienced this but when you have a life partner, you are (hopefully, in a good relationship) constantly supported in all you do.

It is so hard to keep energy levels up when you have to feed your energy levels almost all alone, all the time.

My aunt knows the contrast so well because the love of her life was murdered after they were married for over 20 years, with 6 kids.

People don't appreciate this about singles. It's harsh, to say the least.

I'm tired and demoralized, so often.

I don't know what to do with myself.

QE

God I feel bad and Carpe Diem

I'm mulling over my hardships and I completely forget that tonight is the beginning of Remembrance Day for Israelis who have been killed or died in the army or terrorist attacks since the beginning of the State of Israel.

There was a ceremony here, my roommate told me about it this morning, and this evening I forgot. I probably would have gone.

But what's done is done, I guess. I watched Dead Poets Society instead. It is an unbelievably inspirational film. It is so much about Carpe Diem - seizing the day. Living the moment. Filling your potential.

But we don't necessarily know at all what our potential is. In the movie, Todd (I think) thinks himself worthless and they have him say to Neil that he could never be a leader because no one listens to him. And then Robin Williams is able to bring out amazing depth in him. By the end, Todd actually does become the leader. He is the 1st one to stand on his desk as Mr. Keaton (Williams) leaves the classroom for the last time.

I do not know what I'm capable of. I have NO idea what I "should" be doing. The only thing I can do is what I think of doing.

Movies suck because when someone is strongly attracted towards doing something, it turns out he's amazingly talented in that thing. In real life, you might put your heart and soul into something and then "fail". I think that never happens in movies. But it's part of reality and it's important to remember that that's OK. It's even great. Greatness is trying, right?

Greatness is trying.

What is "failing"?

The reason I bought The Alchemist is because of the intro. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever read. It talks about following your heart. And he puts it on paper. He says that the "problem" with living life to its fullest is that if in the end you "fail", you will never be able to say, "Oh, I didn't really want it anyway" because everyone knows you wanted it more than anything. And you know it too.

But if you really try, is there such a thing as failure?

I suppose failure is the lack of trying.

so depressed, dunno what to do with myself

What more is there to say? I am just so, so sick of my situation. What the hell am I supposed to do? I WANT TO BE SPENDING MY DAYS DOING SOMETHING I ENJOY. PERIOD. PE-RI-OD. Period.

Understand? I want to wake up in the morning quite content with my plans for they day.

AND, the plans should include making a nice income.

SHIT.

QE

When do I feel alive?

This is one of the most basic questions a person must ask themselves. When do you feel (most) alive? Is it when you're cleaning your windows, cooking, hanging with your kids or reading a book?

I have now started a new blog (the contents of which I will not give here). Finally I figured out how to do it (there were some technical difficulties) and I felt so alive! I still do at this moment. I am excited. I have so many ideas for this blog, and the possibility of it developing into an online or printed magazine. I have so many ideas of articles/stories/etc. for this. I am so excited about it!

So at this moment I feel alive. When I think of the possibility of creating something that will express things I believe in to the world, my soul just jumps for joy!

QE

Morning has broken

I went to the community centre for the Friday night dinner. Lots of people, loud, 15 tables with people sitting around them.

So many interesting people. Old and young, men and women, and even a few children.

Shmoozing with the people, eating good food. Good times.

Now it's Saturday morning. Almost the antithesis of last night. Almost silence. There's an airplane crossing the sky, and the mildly annoying hum of my computer. I almost find it wrong to type these noisy letters on the keyboard.

The world is such a beautiful place in Vancouver.

no rights for jews?

I need to take an English proficiency test in order to finish applying to UBC. So, guess what. All the test dates are on Shabbat.

OK, there are a couple that might not be but I'm just looking into that. Meanwhile, I'm not very hopeful.

It's so crazy. I guess I could do the test on Shabbat. I just really don't feel good about it. I'll need to write UBC and see what they have to say.

QE

I am a hero

I started something new. Something I felt the need to mull over in my head for a few months and then psych myself up for for a few weeks.

But I'm so tired I don't feel like writing about it now. Damn. Why do I feel like I have so many interesting things I could and want to write about but then when it comes down to it, I don't really feel like writing or I don't really feel like I have anything to write. Question mark.

But I'm so proud of myself! I started this email list that I was so scared of starting. I finally sent out an email to lots of people telling them about it. I was so nervous! I was so scared it's gonna "fail". But does it really matter if it fails? I'm just so proud of myself that I even tried.

OK fine, I do want it to succeed. But even if it doesn't, it's not a loss but a gain. I learned I can do things that are new and scary and putting myself out there and I'll have learned, if it fails, that it's not the worst thing in the world if it fails.

Maybe I should make a business card for it. That's an idea! Or not. Where would I even give it out!

I'll probably have to start calling individual shuls and stuff to ask them to post. I know what I want to say to them in order to convince them. I think it'll be convincing.

K, I feel so boring.

QE

Defending myself

I am such a scared person. So finally I signed up for a women's self defense course. I figured that learning techniques for defense would make me feel more sure of myself.

And it's true. I left that class feeling so good! And now I have it in my head that I want to learn to be a real fighter. I don't want to be a victim. Whatever happens in my life, I don't wanna go down with my hands behind my back (metaphorically). I want to be able to protect myself and others. I want to have the ability to protect if I ever need to.

It's funny because I grew up with a very clear idea that there is very real evil in this world. So that was ingrained in me but I wasn't given any tools to protect myself against this very real evil I was taught about.

I hope I'll be able to stick to it.

QE

Plumbing turned off - creature of habit

Today I woke up stressed. And one of the reasons is that me and my best friend in Israel are now starting to talk every Thursday morning (thurs. eve by her). But it means a tight schedule Thurs. mornings!

So, because of the stress, I couldn't poop. And I always poop in the morning!

After breakfast, I went to the sink and when I tried to turn on the tap, only a few drops came out. Suddenly I remembered that this morning they're turning the water off in our building.

Guess what. Suddenly, I felt it coming on. I suddenly felt the need to go to the bathroom!

Thank God for that last flush that you get when the water is turned off! So I could quite safely still go to the bathroom and flush it away.

QE

P.S. One of my best stories yet.

An important anniversary

I sit in my bedroom in my sweet home in Vancouver. I look out my large window. A tiny plane flying overhead. The clouds as beautiful as the Vancouver clouds always seem to be. A day of stormy weather but that's over and now stillness and peacefulness outside instead. The quiet after the storm. A song on the radio that touches my soul.

And it is a year since I decided to leave Israel. Probably my biggest and hardest decision ever. May 11th I actually left.

And now I am looking through my never-sent email drafts. They are a little window into a year ago.

On the 11th of April I started an email to my immediate family. The subject was: "Understanding (and could I dream of supporting?) me".

The only thing written in the body of the email is:

Dear Family,



--
Queen Esther
Where is the good stuff?


Nope, I never ended up writing this letter.

But I remember. I remember feeling alone and sad. I remember wishing I could know 100% that my family wanted to understand and support me.

And now it's a year later. I have thought many times over the year of actually writing and sending this letter to them but it hasn't happened.

Today I have a clearer picture of how my family is taking my changes and more time will make it more clear. Maybe one day I will still write and email my family about this. We shall see.

QE

Another letter

Here is another letter I wrote on the 8th of April, '06. I'm not gonna translate it right now because it's really long. Neither of these did I ever send to the intended.

כי אני לא חושבת שתבין שזה לא שאני חוזרת לזה עכשיו. סה"כ אני יודעת שזה לא נתן לי את מה שאני צריכה ואם מתישהוא אני כן אחזור לזה, זה יהיה ממקום מאד שונה. זה יהיה ממקום של שלימות עם זה. מקום של לדעת שזאת באמת האמת. אבל בינתיים, אני מאד מזדהה איתך כשאתה אומר שכל החוקים האילו ממש לא מדברים אליך. קשה לי לכתוב את זה אבל זה נכון. אני גם לא רואה איך קידוש בשישי בערב מוסיף אור בעולם. אם כן אבין יום אחד את העומק של זה, אני בטח כן אתחיל שוב לעשות את זה. אני די בטוחה שגם אתה (כי אם משהוא נראה לך אמת, כנראה שזה מה שתרצה לעשות) אבל בינתיים, זה לא קורה. וחשוב לי שארגיש שאני יכולה לשתף אותך במשבות הרוחניות שלי. יש לי תחושה מאד חזקה שאולי זה יהיה לך מאד קשה. לא יודעת...


אני צריכה שתבין שבאופן כללי, אני מרגישה את הצורך לשתף אותך במחשבות שלי הרוחניות. זה לא בא ממקום של לנסות לשכנע אותך (זה שטויות אם זה כן בא משם כי אני לא משוכנעת כמעט בכלום בעצמי!). אבל לפעמים איתך אני לא מרגישה נוח לעשות את זה. אני מנחשת למה זה ככה למרות שלא אכתוב על זה כאן.

לאט -
לזכור שבאמת אנחנו לא יכולים להבין אחד את השני. אנחנו כל כך שונים (למרות שאנחנו כל כך דומים) ופשוט צריך להמשיך לנסות ולנסות. לתקשר המון. פתיחות.

בקשר לזה שחשבתי שאני מגעילה. אני חושבת שיש 2 סיבות שאני דואגת בקשר לזה. קודם כל, כל כך שמחנו שאנחנו כאילו פתוחים אחד עם השני אבל זה גרם כבר להמון כאב ואני מפחדת שאולי אנחנו פתוחים מדי כי אני לא רוצה לפגוע בך. מצד שני, בדרך כלל כשאני משתפת אותך במחשבות שלי, במיוחד כשזה משהוא שאני יודעת שאולי יהיה לך קשה, אני עושה את זה בכל זאת בגלל שאני מרגישה את הצורך לעשות זאת. אז השאלה היא מתי הפתיחות היא מוגזמת? אני באמת רוצה להיות פתוחה איתך אבל אני יודעת שיש דברים שבאמת יכולים לפגוע בך. כמעט ישר אמרת לי (באחד האימיילים הראשונים) שהכי חשוב לך שאהיה פתוחה, יותר מאשר לדאוג אם אפגע בך. באמת כך? זה באמת גורם להמון בלאגן וזה מאד מוקדם בקשר שלנו...

defensiveness maybe is stopping us from understanding each other. and fear

when are we going out?


QE

an old letter - never sent

Isn't it amazing to read things from your past that make you realize where you are today? The relativity of the past to the present make it so much clear. It gives you a scale of measurement.

Anyway, here is a letter I wrote on the 24th of April, 2006. I was so sad:

יצחק,

אני כותבת אימייל זה לפני ש"מותר" לי לשלוח אותו כי אני מחכה שיהיה לי תירוץ לשלוח לך אימייל.

מה שלומך? אני כל כך מקוה שאתה מרגיש מאד טוב.

אני בסדר. סגרתי תאריך לנסוע, ב-11 למאי ב-1 לפנות בוקר (אז בעצם ה-10 בלילה). אני כל כך מפחדת. אני עדיין לא מאמינה שאני עושה את זה. כל פעם אני אומרת לאנשים שאני לא מאמינה שאני עושה את זה, עד שאני יושבת במטוס.

אני מפחדת. אני עצובה. אני בודדה. אני לא אופטימית בכלל (אני ממש לא מסכימה איתך בקשר לזה) אבל אני פשוט מקוה שיהיה טוב. אני מקוה שיום אחד אהיה פחות מפחדת, עצובה, בודדה.

אני גם מקוה שלך יום אחד יהיה הרבה פחות פחד, עצב ובודדות (?אם ככה אומרים) אולי כבר עכשיו.

אני יודעת שזה טוב שאנחנו לא ביחד. לפעמים יש לי פרספקטיבה "בריאה" בקשר לזה. שאני מבינה שזה הדבר הכי טוב. אבל קשה להבין את זה כל הזמן, כשמפחדים, עצובים ובודדים.

התחלתי ליצור קשר עם אנשים בוונקובר. לפעמים זה מרגש אותי כי אז אני רואה שבאמת יש סיכוי שזה יקרה ואולי זה אפילו יהיה טוב! אני כל כך מקוה שזה יהיה טוב.

זהו. התירוץ לכתיבת מייל זה הוא שסגרתי תאריך טיסה ואמרתי לך שאגיד לך כשאני נוסעת. אז נכון שזה ממש לפי הכללים שאני פועלת?

Oh, you want a translation?! :) OK, fine.

Isaac,

I am writing this email before I am "allowed" to be emailing you because I'm waiting for an excuse to email you.

How are you? I really hope you are feeling very good.

I am fine. I have finalized a date for my trip, on the 11th of May at 1am (so actually the 10th at night). I am so scared. I still cannot believe I am doing this. I keep telling people that I don't believe I'm doing this until I'm sitting on the plane.

I am scared. I am sad. I am lonely. I am not optimistic at all (I disagree with you about that) but I simply hope things will be good. I hope that one day I will be less scared, sad and lonely.

I also hope that you, one day, will have less fear, sadness and loneliness.

I know it's good that we're not together. Sometimes I have a "healthy" view of it. I understand that it is for the best. But it's hard to understand this all the time when you are scared, sad and lonely.

I have started making contact with people in Vancouver. Sometimes this makes me very excited because I realize that it might actually happen and it might actually be good. I so hope it'll be good.

That's it. My excuse for writing this email is that I finalized my flight date and I told you I'd let you know when I did. So I'm going according to the rules, right?

QE

That's pretty much it. I'm still not especially happy but I think I'm so much better. I'm not as deep in wet mud that is sucking me into the ground.

QE

Another conversation with my roommate

My roommate is extremely passionate. Passionate is a strong word but I choose to add the word "extremely" before it. Because that is what she is.

Lets call her Tali.

Tali is extremely Zionistic. And last night she told me about her latest idea.

She loves orange. So a friend of hers gave her these orange paperweights. They are actually really cool. They look like orange rocks.

But orange is also the colour used by people who wanted to express their opposition to kicking the Jews out of Gaza (Gush Katif). Of course she was on that "side".

Now she wants to use those "rocks" in order to raise money for the poor people who were kicked out of their homes 2 summers ago and still don't have normal places to live.

There were 22 settlements. She wants one name written on each rock and for the rocks to go from shul to shul.

Cool idea, no?

QE

Another conversation with an Israeli Jew

Last night I had a long conversation with David at the Kollel. He is around 50 years old, divorced with 2 daughters, 20 and 24. He loves his daughters dearly and says they are really wonderful.

When he moved to Canada in 1973, he was freshly out of the Israeli army. He cared little enough about Judaism to marry a non-Jewish woman in Vancouver.

He talks about the fact that even though it didn't work out between them, he still respects her greatly and he knows he owes a lot to her. He says she is a good person and holds nothing against her. They are on friendly terms.

So, his girls are not Jewish. David says that when his wife, 2 years before they separated (they were together for 19 years) started attending Church (she's Christian), he felt strongly inside that something was wrong with the relationship.

And now, after all that, he is trying to give his girls Jewish experiences. He is making sure they go to a Pessach seder and probably other things too.

He says that when they got married, his non-Jewish wife knew more about Judaism than he did. "Because she opened up books and read."

There is something gravely, gravely wrong with our education system(s) that is producing the Jew who doesn't think twice before marrying a non-Jew. A Jew who is forced to learn through hard life experiences that he cares about being Jewish.

Today David is attending the Kollel. He is affiliating. This is something he is choosing. Why could he not have been instilled with roots for these feelings 30 years ago?

QE

Interesting people - My seat neighbor on the plane

In the past couple of days I have had so many interesting conversations. Actually, I keep finding myself semi-interviewing people. I am asking them questions out of genuine interest and curiosity and they are enjoying the questions and happily talking.

On the plane ride back to Vancouver this week I sat next to an older man. At first I was taken aback by him. He was so old in body. It literally depressed me. In my world, everything has to do with the bigger picture of life. When I see this old man, it depresses me about life and the way God created it, us and the world.

But then I was watching him do crossword puzzles and I decided to make conversation. I wanted to remove the symbolism he possesed in my head and see who he was as an individual.

Turns out he is a retired mathematics professor. And he only does crossword puzzles when travelling in order to pass the time. And he's from Columbia.

I never got his name, nor did he get mine. But we talked a lot of the way, mostly about him. About what he does now that he's retired. He is very busy doing his own research. And he exercises and it sounds like he spends time with friends. He was on his way back from Toronto after going there to look at some art his friend is selling.

He is very cultured. Literature, art. In Columbia books were their main source of entertainment and there was a lot of it. He told me about these books or magazines his father got for one of his siblings' birthdays one year. Each one had different sections talking about different aspects of the world. The body, the universe, geography, etc. It was called something like, "For the inquisitive young mind." He remembers them so fondly.

There is a list of books that the Church says you cannot read. His father, being Catholic, would not have those books in the house except that since he was a very devout Christian, he got permission to bring a couple of these books into the house because he needed them for writing he did. But of course the children were not allowed to read them.

My seat neighbor said that what convinced him that this list, and I guess other things in the Church are bogus, is the fact that this list contained some of the best literature in the world.

He has been in Vancouver for around 50 years. When he moved here, it was very Protestant. But he was very bothered by the hypocrisy he experienced. For example, places were not allowed to be open on Sunday except three places. One place had French entertainment that was "free" except they requested a donation of something like 75 cents. And he said that it was known that you were expected to pay it.

There were also concerts but you had to pay ahead of time. You could not buy a ticket on Sunday.

He was ready to leave Vancouver when he started witnessing changes in these things and so, in the end, he stayed.

To me it's amazing that today the city is almost the antithesis of what it was. There are almost no rules. The way people are living is so drastically different than 50 years ago.

It sounds like for thousands and thousands of years, generation after generation lived similarly to each other. And now, in the past one to two hundred years things have changed in an almost unfathomable way.

He hates that he's getting old but he's still "playing hard". That is an impressive thing.

QE

Can't sleep, too excited... but why?

I just lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. I should be fast asleep right now because I was sooo tired at Friday night dinner, so ready to come home and go straight to bed.

I pretty much went straight to bed but read, which is totally kosher in sleep world, but then I found myself wide awake, thinking about so many things.

I'm thinking of licencing myself here as a dietitian. That actually excites me, the idea of studying for the exam. The part about having to work through the bureaucracy totally makes me upset, though.

OK. So much for that. I just looked it up and the whole thing will cost over $1000.00. I'm sure I could find someone to pay for it (Bubby, Daddy, the older woman I work for?) but if someone else is paying for it I think I should be sure I'll work in it in order to have made it worth while but I can't commit to that because I hate working as a dietitian so if I were to be able to figure something else out, I'd be thrilled not to work in that field.

So then I think, why don't I just take clients in the house? OK, I can't really do that. I'd need to do the appointments in the living room and that would mean my roommate would have to hide during those times. No, not good.

Should I give nutrition classes? Sigh.... I always think of it but do I feel like it? Could I really make good money from it? I don't see how. How much do people pay for these things?

What do I like doing? I enjoyed planning my birthday party, besides being nervous about people showing up and having a good time. But I got really into it. I sent hard-copy invitations on pretty paper. I planned arts and crafts on a very tight budget and it was really fun! I made yummy food (with the help of my friend who hosted). It was really nice.

But the downside is that I didn't have the most amazing time at the party itself because the whole time I was worrying that everyone should be OK and happy. Especially the elderly woman. Oy. I was so stressed out about her!

It's really interesting. I mentioned to her that I don't know how I'll pay for university and she said, Don't worry about that. Would she actually pay for me to go to university? Imagine if she was sort of like my beneficiary. How unique to have a beneficiary. I'd live with her, almost never have to pay for food, not have to pay for university, do some work for her and hang out with her and she'd give me money for that. What a strange life that would be. Though my imagination goes wild with these kinds of things, it's very hard for me to believe it could actually happen. Things in life turn out so different than in the imagination. And they're usually way more complicated.

Tonight someone told me about a job lead that is for a couple of months, doing event planning. Could that be enjoyable for me? I think it might have a lot to do with who I'd be working with. Hopefully she'll want to meet me this week. I need to make sure my CV is good for this job.

K, I'm feeling very tired. I'm gonna try to go to sleep.

QE

Update since the posting "Depression me now" on the 24th of April, 06 and my friend being mean to me

On the 24th of April, 2006, I wrote about the fact that my then therapist expressed concern that I might have slight depression. In the posting I wrote why she suspected that. One of the reasons was that I don't remember ever being really happy.

Well, I am tickled pink to write this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because this week I felt amazing. I just felt so, so happy. Seriously, it's one of those things that's so hard to express. All I can say is that for a few days straight I just felt really, seriously good. Good, good, good.

Why?! I don't know. Because this week was my (Hebrew) birthday? Because I have a crush and crushes are based on hope of good to come? Because I took a remedy this week from my (amazing) Classical Homeopath that truly might be working wonders on my body, mind and soul?

It is important I mention that this is a drastic change from the last few weeks. Before this (and you can see it in my blog) I was feeling absolutely HORRIBLE. I was sleeping terribly, having nightmares, feeling scared. Scared while sleeping, scared while awake. I felt like the world is a bad place and I was wondering why I wasn't considering suicide (besides fear).

Was that possibly the lowest of the low I needed to reach in order to start climbing? Because where I am now does not only include lucky happiness. It also includes me being able to consciously keep my mind in a healthy place. What do I mean?

I have been pretty successful, a few times (maybe even many times) this week in viewing a situation, understanding where my ability to affect starts and finishes and not go crazy about the rest. I feel like I"m not explaining myself well.

My creative writing teacher, when someone mentioned a movie in class, turned to me and said, "You obviously haven't seen it." He was jumping to some sort of conclusion, maybe because I come from an Orthodox background. It is a wrong assumption... I did answer him in a strange way but then I think I quickly realized that what he said is more of a reflection of him than of me. In a way, it has nothing to do with me. And I realized it's OK that he said that.

Other things happened too...

My friend let me have my birthday party at her place. But she has been in a terrible mood the few days leading up to the party, including the day of AND during! She only took it out on me. Yes, I do take it somewhat personally because she is pretty much currently getting annoyed at almost anything that I say or do. It's really quite upsetting and I'm scared to say anything to her, fearing attack.

So before the party she was sort of hiding in her room and I just felt the negative energy. And I started feeling badly about the party and thinking, Oh, it's not gonna be good. And feeling bad about doing it by her. Blah blah blah.

But then I reminded myself that I made it clear a few times that if she did not want it by her, I would totally understand and she should just tell me that. And she never changed her mind.

So if she did regret that, that is NOT my problem.

Also, her being in a bad mood did not need to affect out well the party would go. And the fact that she's in a bad mood (even if she's specifically taking it out on me and even if I am hurt by it) doesn't mean that I need to be in a bad mood and let it affect the party.

In the end there were different things that made it difficult for me to really enjoy the party but I was able to work through this problem quite effectively.

She is upsetting me and I'm considering saying something to her. I am wondering if I'm holding a grudge but I hope not. I think what's happening is that I am truly fearing attack. So I don't feel like being with her or talking to her for fear of this attack. And I don't know how to approach her because she isn't into "opening up" "talking about your feelings". But if she is like that the next time we talk, I'll need to say something.

BTW, she did apologize. When I left she told me she's sorry she's been in a bad mood and... can't remember what word she used. Rude or something. So I told her it's OK.

See, that's the thing. She's totally aware of what she's doing. We happened to talk about this type of thing last week. We talked about being not nice to people and that you don't necessarily want the person to get away with it. It's funny that we talked about it and now we're going through it.

So, I went from un-depression talk to talking about my friend. I'm sure she's feeling really crappy. I feel bad about that. But I can't have her take it out on me.

QE

Is trying to be real, real?

It's really funny. I try so hard to be real. I'm always asking myself if I'm really being real. But is that real? Maybe if you have to work at being real, that in and of itself is fake.

Actually, it's even worse. Yes, sometimes I'm trying to be real. But sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, what I'm really trying hard to do is look as if I'm being real. As if I'm being sincere.

Ik. Yes, ik.

Often I just really wanna sound/look like I really mean what I'm saying/doing.

Damn. Why does it have to be that way? I mean, I guess it's better than being mean but it's so not impressive, in my opinion.

I saw a book the other day called something like, "The games we play". It's all about the different social games we play. And I didn't read the book but the idea totally makes sense.

This is the, "No, I really, really do sincerely care!!!" game.

Yeah right.

Cycles or Linear?

Forever it feels like people are telling me that the world and existence is about cycles. That everything works in circles. The Jewish calendar, the year and I guess they're saying that experiences do too.

Well, I've been thinking that a lot of things do sort of fit a cycle experience. My hypothesis is that the point in this life is to break bad cycles and create and feed positive ones.

As my brother said today, I eat because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat.

Break the cycle.

I show compassion to one person who shows it to another who shows it to another - feed it.

The eat-fat example looks like a cycle. But truthfully, the compassion one looks more linear.

We are ruining the world. Does that lead us to ruin the world more? Or for other people to ruin the world? Or for the world to ruin us? The cycle theory feels wrong because a circle has to end where it began but I don't think that the world necessarily always work that way.

I'm feeling less convinced about the cycles idea. I'm now thinking more in terms of inertia.

INERTIA

Whatever we chose to do or not do, adds or depletes inertia in the energy realm of that thing.

Compassion: Giving more creates more compassion-inertia.

It gets complicated, though. Like us ruining the world. Yes, we are a bad example on other people in the world and so it makes sense that the inertia is bringing more people to wreck the world. But it also works in other ways. The world ends up being unhealthy for us too. And for other living (and not living) things. So the negative energy in the realm of the nature of the world spreads in different ways.

Sometimes doing something positive can create negative inertia. In some cases, maybe the act was not actually positive - only understood wrongly to be so. Other times, negative inertia from something else "fights" against the inertia being created by the positive act.

For example, during WWII, amazingly a few kind and heroic gentiles saved Jews. But this was at risk of their own lives. So, they were doing something positive but in a certain aspect, the negative inertia was so great that sometimes it was able to fight back (for example if the person was caught and tortured and/or murdered). But still at the same time this person was creating positive inertia, showing amazing capabilities in looking beyond themselves and just doing what they thought was right regardless of the potential terrible consequences.

So here I am reinventing the wheel. But it is an interesting way to perceive the world. The world can be perceived in so many ways, through so many different lenses, using so many different types of rules. The fascinating thing is that I do believe that a lot of them are right. They are just different ways to try to understand existence.

QE

Expectations - not a good thing

Sometimes, actually pretty often, I get this strong feeling of, I want to express myself! I want to write! But when it comes down to it, I don't feel like I have anything to write? What is that all about?

My creative writing teacher has taught us a lot about expectations. Like, what do you expect from your writing? What do others expect? What do you think others expect? What do you hope for? Who do you think you're writing for?

All these questions actually take away from the writing. If you have in mind what you want, then what is supposed to come out of you cannot necessarily. If you're too busy thinking about how you want to make this piece popular in your creative writing course, then you will be too busy trying to fulfill that - a sure way to write a distant, unpopular piece.

You gotta stop trying. You've gotta focus on trying to get into a flow of things.


QE

Traumatizingly uncomfortable situations

God, you know those situations that are so uncomfortable, just thinking of them afterwards makes you cringe?

This week I had 2 of those.

1st, my teacher offered to drive me home after class and turns out it's because he pretty much wanted to make sure I'm not about to commit suicide. Why? Because though I seem quite jolly in class, my writing is often/almost always depressing and morbid.

Though it was extremely kind of him to show concern, it made me a million times more uncomfortable. Thinking about it, it isn't the 1st time he's made me feel uncomfortable. And I think I know what it is. I write these things, and they are almost always personal, and then he actually does see through it, into me. He really sees me through my writing. And that TOTALLY FREAKS ME OUT!!!!

After one thing I read in class for feedback, people kept saying they felt happy at the end of the piece but they weren't sure why. Paul said, I do. He then let someone else finish talking and then gave his feedback.

You know what he said? He said that they were all happy, including himself, because the piece had helped them know me. He said he felt like he was really experiencing me through the piece. My mind, even my body. He said there were points where he felt physically close to me (when I mentioned my stomach making noises, he imagined himself right up next to my stomach). When he said that, I think I blushed, I became so embarrassed!

Even as I write this I am soooo uncomfortable!

There is such a conflict here. On the one hand I like and want to write personal things. On the other hand I fear people truly seeing me and when they do I am really uncomfortable. So interesting.

The other traumatizingly uncomfortable thing that happened to me was today when I called an accountant whose number I got from my roommate (who herself deserves a good few postings on this blog). In the beginning of the conversation, he wouldn't say anything. It was absolutely the strangest thing!

Imagine you say something, no answer. So you say something else, no answer and so on and so forth.

Finally he started talking and then he was totally normal. The rest of the conversation was totally normal! So strange. But during that silence (that at one point, I think lasted around 30 seconds because I just didn't know what to say anymore) I was seriously going crazy!

So, discomfort.

QE

Oh, Stories of the Heart

I am back in touch with a guy I dated (2 dates) around 2 years ago. He wrote to me through a dating website not realizing it was me.

He was happy it's me. We are now on opposite sides of the world (Vancouver/Jerusalem).

We have now chatted twice online. It's just that I get myself into such a ridiculous emotional mix-up.

I started getting a crush on him and started having all these hopes of, Oh, maybe it will work out with him now...

And then I find myself constantly testing him. See, he's not the right person for me. He doesn't give me what I need. And I see that but I push it, test him, he obviously fails and then I feel sad, hurt and alone.

But it's all my doing. I so badly want to meet someone that I really connect with, that over and over again I get my hopes up about guys.

Blech. Don't even feel like writing about this anymore.

QE

Last April 11th

Wow. It was last April 11th that I started an email to my immediate family called:

"Understanding (and could I dream of supporting?) me"

In the body of the email I wrote:

"Dear Family,"

How crazy to think of where I was at then and how I was never able to write anymore. Even if I wasn't going to send it. I didn't know what to write, how to write it and I did think about if I even wanted/could write something to my family.

And now, the post before this one, is a letter to my family. It's finally been written. If I send it to them or not, that's a whole other question but at least now I was able to write it. I am happy about this development.

QE

Dear Family, I'm not doing well

Dear Family,

I just feel like you should know that I'm not doing well. It's not right that I am going through so much and I think you don't realize the extent of the issues.

I am not sure who of you have gone through anything similar. But the point I am at in my life is extremely disconcerting.

Imagine your whole life you have a certain point of reference for most anything. And then imagine at a certain point in time you start questioning if you truly believe in this point of reference. You question if it is true and you question if there is truth.

So I have chosen to take an extremely unsettling path of trying to discover what I really think/believe to be true. I do not know if you understand this, respect it or think it silly but I know for myself, it is what I chose to do because it was the only way I could be honest with myself.

The problem is that it is not as if a person leaves one point of reference to be immediately found in a new, equally rooted point.

No. instead, I am currently in a state of extreme flux. I do not know where I am. What I believe in. If there is truth. I do not know what to think about things I see and hear and experience. I feel like I'm floating in space with no certain direction with the strong fear I may never land anywhere at all.

I believe that my current spiritual status is what, more than anything, makes me feel at times extremely down. When I am down that low, I am depressed and scared. Scared I'll never feel up again. Scared of life and so many aspects of it. My consolation is that there are ups and that gives me hope.

I need to know that you take what I'm going through seriously.

So, dear family, know that I am going through a very hard time. Know that I struggle through some of my days in a most fearsome way. Know that me knowing that you have an idea of what I'm going through, even if you cannot relate or empathise helps me because it feels very wrong when you don't. Know that if you can show me some understanding, care, concern and support, it means so much to me and it helps me.

Love,
QE

Finding that tiny part

Yesterday Hilary said something to me that touched me very deeply. I wrote a poem where I quote Louis Armstrong as saying "It's a wonderful world" but in the poem you can tell I just can't believe that it really is wonderful.

She said that she wishes me to be able to find a tiny part inside of me that is able to believe the wonderfulness.

It touched me so deeply and I was pretty much immediately able to do it. It is just so genius, when I think of what she did. I think without realizing, which in a way makes me so much more amazing.

I am so scared to commit to the idea of it being a wonderful world. I know there are horrible things in this world and so I find I'm not able to look at the mountains and say "What a wonderful world" because what about all the suffering?!

But she didn't tell me to believe the whole world is wonderful. She just hoped for me to see a little bit of wonderfulness. So then I'm able to look at a tree blossoming and see wonder in it without feeling like I'm abandoning all the people being killed in North Korea.

I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. But it was able to lift me a little bit out of my depression.

I think I will always be indebted to Hilary for this. And, of course, for making me laugh and cry with her writing.

QE

My depression

I'm at an extremely uncomfortable point in my life. And so my morbid, depressing, depressed writing made my creative writing teacher worry about me.

So yesterday after class he asked to talk to me and then offered to drive me wherever I was going so we could talk on the way. So he drove me home. I was so uncomfortable the whole time. Seriously, one of the most uncomfortable settings I've ever been in. Actually makes total sense. I felt terribly vulnerable in so many ways. First of all, though I was almost totally sure I could trust him, I didn't feel comfortable, physically, having him drive me, especially home. Also, he starts asking me about my stuff and talking about my screwed-upness was also terribly uncomfortable.

Those icky feelings were so strong that still when I think about that drive from yesterday, I physically feel it.

Anyway, it's true. I am feeling very down. Things are not easy for me now at all. I am finding life so difficult. I feel so up in the air, not grounded and so uncertain about so many major things. I don't know what I believe in and I find that very scary. I don't know what type of work I want to do and I find that also, so scary.

I am watching my bank account go down. HORRIBLE feeling.

I really don't know what to do.

But speaking to my teacher made me take action for finding someone good to talk to. I have been looking for that someone for so long but I really need it. So I am trying to get in touch with this rabbi I heard about (and met once) who I think might be good for this job.

QE

Should I kill myself?

Don't worry. I'm not really ready to kill myself. I'm just trying to get you to read my blog. Is that unfair? All is fair in blogs and whatever.

Oh, she sighs deeply... I wish I could write what I want to write.

I'm getting the feeling more and more that everyone has this problem. Everyone has the idea in their head the idea of what type of writing they want to do. But that isn't necessarily the plan of the universe. The universe wants Hilary to write about herself, Heather to rhyme her heart away, me to write one sentences or something.

It's interesting that it's the women in the class who are expressing their concern about this. I wonder if that is just a coincidence or if it is at least partly a gender thing.

But this is something that is connected to everything in life. Wanting to be something you're not. Wanting so desperately for something else to be reality.

Yesterday we did a thing. I never know what to call these things. Anyway, the point was to help us get a feel for the head space that feels good for writing in. It's the space where you don't feel like you're making things up, trying to remember or just trying to do anything, really. All you're doing is writing what's coming to you. It's like these ideas and thoughts are being sent to you and all your job is, is to write them down.

It was very interesting. It worked. I got a bit of a feel for that space.

Jealous Writing

My teacher tells us about jealous writing. He also tells us to try not to do it. He also tells us that he does it all the time.

Love it!

Jealous writing = trying to write like someone else's writing or just in general with expectations you shouldn't have. Like of what type of stuff you should/want to be writing. What style, who you want to publish it...

So we are supposed to put all our energy into writing and when we're doing jealous writing, we're wasting energy on other crap.

But he "always" does it. Too funny. He says, "I read Kipling, I write like Kipling. I read ___, I write like _____."

So, I'm reading Anne of Green Gables and I do feel like it affects how I write. But it's cool because it opens up new possibilities within you.

You never thought of writing a certain way or you never thought you could but then suddenly, through jealous writing, you find you are able to.

I wonder if I actually understand this properly.

QE

I can't sleep

Why can't I sleep? Does it have to do with the time-change? But that doesn't make sense because it's still 1am "for me".

Today I thought of a few things I wanted to write here but now I don't know if I really feel like writing. I don't like when I want to write but I don't feel like writing.

My creative writing teacher quoted a certain writer as saying, "I only write when I'm inspired. And I make sure to be inspired every morning at 9:00." Such an amusing quote.

I'm currently reading Anne of Green Gables. I am watching the tv series with my friend so I was worried it would be difficult to read after watching. In the beginning it was but now mostly it's just really fun and enjoyable.

One woman in my writing course, I just love how she writes. In general how she expresses herself. She has such a way about her. It is utterly amusing. She has this totally funny, subtle sense of humour. She is very smart and sensitive. So those together make her writing so enjoyable.

Hmmm, I have those qualities as well. Pretty much...

Today I applied to a writing job, writing a recipe column. I went through stuff I've written to send an example. I was so impressed! It's nice to look back at what I've written because I see how much I've written and that so much of it is really quite good. It's quite impressive.

I don't know why I keep on wanting to use the word "utterly". Maybe Anne Shirley uses it.

It's utterly hilarious that people sometimes call her Anne Shirley. Shirley is her last name. Imagine someone calling you by your 1st and last name. Utterly amusing.

Speaking of using the same word over and over, this woman whose writing I utterly enjoy, has a great vocabulary. I often don't understand words she uses but I utterly get a kick out of how she uses them, even without understanding them. It is utterly fascinating. :) Do you feel like smacking me yet? Or should I say, do you utterly feel like utterly smacking me yet?

Gotta love it. Cuz if you aint lovin' it, you're hatin' it!

Are blogs evil? The reason I ask is because I'm just thinking. You can post (utterly?) anything in a blog. Anyone can have a blog about anything and they can write whatever they want.

So it's nice that people get to express themselves but, say, this posting I'm writing right now. Isn't it a waste of time? Wouldn't it be better if I wrote it and then deleted it? But instead I'm going to post it because, besides the fact that I fear delete, I sort of feel like I may as well post it because, well, maybe it isn't so bad and maybe someone will get something out of it.

Also, one day when I'm extremely, utterly famous, people will want to get their hands on anything and everything I've ever written. And once I've been gone from this world for a good few years, I'll allow this blog to be uncovered. And then, oh man! It'll become a book and it'll sell so many millions of copies in so many languages! Wow! And this posting will be especially famous (maybe my most famous piece ever written) because people will think it's utterly :) prophetic how I wrote here.

Amazing how she pretty much wrote, word for word, what actually happened!

It is going to be so exciting for people to get their hands on this stuff.

And then will start all the other bloggers who will claim that their blogs were actually written by me. But my writing is so distinctive that it will be almost impossible to get anyone to believe them. Maybe one person who is really, really smart and talented will be able to convince people about their blog being mine.

The debates between the "Deena experts" will be hot and personal. They'll hate each other. Half will think the guy's blog is mine while half will "know" it isn't.

Anyway, that's what's gonna happen with this posting and that is why, even though it's probably not gonna be read by anyone until years after I'm gone, I must post it!

QE

Desperately Sad

Here I am, almost 28 years old, very talented, very smart, and interviewing for babysitting jobs. I mean, it's one thing if I'm doing it because it is truly what I want to do with my life. But to do it because I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life is, to say the least, an unhappy experience.

One good thing is that I am learning a ton. I am seeing how different people work. Those who want references and those who "hire" me immediately. Those who involve the kids, those who don't.

I see how people are reacting with each other inside their homes. Yes, with me there it is different than if I weren't but it's still fascinating because how my presence affects them is really interesting.

The last family I visited, lets give them names. Angy - mom. Abe - son (8 years old). Johny - husband/step-dad.

Mom - Asian (I think Hong Kong). Son, Asian look, but very North American. Dad, very Jewish looking.

Abe was disrespectful to Angy. Wouldn't listen to her, argued with her, made fun of her accent. Angy was practically begging him to listen. It was embarrassing for me to see this. When a person's parenting is being totally ineffective, why don't they try to learn more about it? My aunt is 50 with kids ranging from 28 to 13 and she is always in parenting classes. Why is it not accepted to study how to be a parent?

Omigosh. Epiphany. I know what I want to do with my life. 1st I want to get married and have kids. Then I have to give classes and sessions on parenting. Because my theory is that everything begins in the home. I think that will only be more and more proven over the next years. And so, in order to effect change, you must go to the source - the family.

Angy, Abe and Johny are so in need of help. Abe is acting like a teenager. The mom seems to be forcing all these things on the son. He's been playing piano for 3 years!!! He's only 8! And what he played sounded really nice. Shit! What do they expect from him?! When I said I was impressed with his playing, she was sincerely surprised! Oh my God! So she says that most of the kids where he plays are on a higher level than him. No shit!

One of the things she wants is someone to "help" him practice. Oh, you mean sit and breath down his neck?

Damn, I feel sorry for that poor, poor boy. Week after week the teacher sits with him (for an hour!!!!) and one of the things she keeps writing in the notebook is, "Do what I wrote last week." The mom showed me how she has written that about a certain song week after week after week. So in order to know what it is he's supposed to do, you have to go back weeks! And she writes that he's talented and smart but he's not practicing so every week they have to do the same thing.

Does anyone want to stop this stupidity?! Why does the teacher keep teaching him? Why does the mother keep sending him? Why does the teacher keep pushing him to work on the same song if HE OBVIOUSLY IS NOT PRACTICING THAT SONG!? It is crushing this extremely intelligent, talented kid's self esteem deep into the ground. Something that will take years to repair.

When I asked the mother if she knew how to play she said (very longingly), "No."

Damn, damn, damn. She is freakin' living pricariously through him.

Shit. If I ever do that to my kids, GOD FORBID!!!!!!!, please smack me.

There are more things about this family. I can't get into everything. But she is looking for someone to "help" him with his homework and "help" him with his piano and pretty much try desperately not to let him watch tv and play on the computer all day.

I think this is a battle either to be fought by a real expert OR she should stop working full-time! She should be spending the afternoons with him.

I have no idea what is helping her make these decisions but they are both paying and the distance between them is already so apparent. The way he draws away from her when she touches him. The way they talk to each other. And this is only when he's eight.

I never saw an 8-year-old so obviously act like a bitter, angry, hurt teenager. It is a sad, desperately sad, tragic thing.

Over a year

It's been over a year since I started this blog. It has been along with me through big changes. But for a long time I stopped writing in it. Didn't really feel the need. Didn't really feel like it.

What makes me want to write in my blog, not want to write in it and then want to write in it again?

QE

People like real

What is it that's made people like my writing? It's my realness. It is when I'm trying to really write what's really going on in my head that people give me positive feedback. Is it only then? I don't know. But it definitely sticks out, especially from my creative writing course.

I'm considering getting back into blogging. Is it a good idea now that I have my writing course? We have a website where I could post things so maybe I should keep my stuff for that. But truthfully, I won't post everything but my blog is a place where I would post a lot more of my stuff.

I am trying to figure out what I need in order to get myself writing. Writing good. And writing good stuff.

One thing that was pretty good for me was when the teacher told us to just listen for 20 minutes, not think about writing, and then write. I like (don't love but at least like) what came out after that exercise. I must stop, think, listen. Listen around me and listen to myself.

My teacher said something really good. He said that chances are, in order for me to do something useful, I will need to use all of myself. And when part of me is worrying about, "Will it sell," and, "Will people like it," etc., then not all of me is in my writing process.

And it is amazing how almost everything he says about writing, is connected to all of life.

In order to really fulfill yourself, you need to be doing and not "wasting" your energy on all the other stuff.

Sigh, if only I could get there. But I suppose writing is a good place to practice.

It's actually a great place to practice. Because it's private as long as you choose it to be. So it is a relatively comfortable way to work on being yourself without all the worries around it.

If, theoretically, I never read another thing out loud in class, or, I never read another thing to anyone ever or never publish or whatever, that is totally fine.

I don't feel totally OK with that last paragraph....... Oh, I do want to share my writing and I'd love to get published one day!

But to get to those points, I need to go through the process. It's like I want to skip a step and that is bad, very bad. :)

Oh life... Life need patience. Lots of it. LOTS OF IT! We really do live in a time of, I WANT IT NOW. And no, you shall not get it now because it is literally impossible. You first need to go through steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.......

Patience...

I so often want things immediately. It's like I don't mail a letter to my sister because I know it is going to take a couple of weeks to get there. Meanwhile it's sitting in my purse! I hate the waiting period.

We need to start focusing more on the positive aspects of the waiting periods (the processes) and how they are ends unto themselves. Talk about how much we get out of them.

Everything in life is like a learning experience. Sigh... that is supposed to be a good thing.

Anyway, gotta go to sleep.

QE