I haven't written in the longest time. My blog has fallen by the wayside (is that how you say/write it?) for different reasons. Mainly, I am thinking of writing a book and though I've been doing almost no writing for that, every time I think of writing, I figure it should either be an email to a friend or stuff for my book. As I said, not that I'm actually writing very much for it because I am scared to really go forwards with it.
Anyway, I do feel like writing here now because I am going through a new and different experience. It is actually a 25-hour experience.
This is the 1st Shabbat that I decided to spend alone downtown. My aunt invited me to come for Shabbat but I turned down the offer because I find Shabbat to be extremely claustrophobic. I decided I'd rather take the chance of having a depressing Shabbat downtown. I also decided I was going to seize the opportunity, given that my roommate was going away for the weekend, to experiment with Shabbat alone. See what it felt like being alone on Shabbat.
Well, turns out I pretty much wanted to do nothing Shabbosy (like have a Shabbat meal with wine and chalah and religious people singing songs, etc.). Last night I chatted with a boy that I met online. It was interesting and he actually convinced me to meet up with him that night (I told him we'd meet somewhere and I didn't want him to walk me home because I was worried about meeting someone at night, especially when my roommate wasn't even home to "worry" about me) but in the end he said he preferred to meet the next day because it was getting late.
So last night (Friday night) I had my sister's Shabbos food room temperature out of a plastic container, sitting on a couch. Then I read and tried to sleep. It was not easy for me to sleep because I was alone in the apartment.
I was apprehensive and sad about this Shabbat but I came to the conclusion that it was my decision what I'd make out of it. Would I sit around the apartment depressed or do something to make it a good day?
So, early this morning I got up, got dressed all cute (jeans to mid-calf, green tank top, nerdy hat knotted to my belt hole, a long-sleeved pink shirt tied around my waist and running shoes with short socks), put half an avocado, 1 muffin and some yummy crackers in a bag, and I headed to Centre Island. It's an Island around a 10 minute ferry ride from downtown Toronto, surrounded by the waters of Lake Ontario, that people go to for water sports, a cute amusement park and tons of green areas for bbq's and picnics.
I stood on the ferry with my hair blowing in the cold wind (it is a very hot day but the wind by the lake was refreshingly cold) and was reminded of when my mom used to take us there quite often. The ferry, the water and the wind are all exactly the same. Amazing. I realized that this Greater Being that I am trying to get to know and understand (people call it God) is very, very patient. More patient than any human I know. And I think He wants me to be experimenting and figuring things out for myself.
It was such a freeing experience for me to be going out on Shabbat because I knew I was definitely, 100% not going to bump into any Orthodox Jews. It took off a tremendous amount of pressure. I was able to feel much calmer than I usually do.
When I got to Centre Island, I just started walking around. I totally recognized things from my childhood which was a very comforting experience.
1st I ended up at a beachy area. But most importantly, there were 2 swings overlooking the water. So I swung and swung and swung, as much as I could. By the end my hands killed and my bum was sore. I love swinging. LOVE. IT.
Then I ate my cute little picnic. How good is food on a picnic? Especially when you're starving.
After that I decided I wanted to go on what was always my favorite ride in the amusement park they call Centreville.
There I was, a 27 year old "woman," standing in line with all these families, waiting to buy tickets for Centreville. I was so self-conscious.
I then walked in and quite easily found the ride I wanted - the Scrambler! But absolutely no one was going on that ride! Suddenly I realized the importance of having other people on the ride with you, even if you don't know them. So, I walked around Centreville, looked at the animals in their little farm. Had an adorable baby swan come up to me (it was so fluffy) and try to eat my shoes. I didn't touch it because someone was watching and was freaked out about how the mother was going to attack me - she freaked me out though it's hilarious we were scared of swans). But it was absolutely adorable and exciting.
When I walked by the ride again, it was still empty. But 3 people had just finished going on it so I decided to sit across from it and wait till other people came. After waiting a few minutes, 2 teenagers went in. So, I got up and stood in line with them.
Don't you wonder what it's like to do something you did as a kid and haven't done in many years? You had certain feelings about it then. Which feelings will remain? Which feelings will be different?
So, the Scramble is a ride in a big round room. It is around 9 carts, each 3 carts attached together and then a centre attaching the whole thing. 2-4 people fit in each cart, sitting alongside each other. The ride turns each three carts in a small circle and the whole thing in one big circle. But to make it even more entertaining, it is dark with flashing lights and blasting music. The gravity pulls you hard to one side of the cart which is hilarious because when you are in the cart with other people, you are all smooshed together, pretty much leaning on the person on the outer side.
Anyway, I LOVED IT!!! It was a big thrill for me. I felt I was loving it almost as much as I did then.
The differences were that I was much, much, much more self-conscious. I was aware of the guys who run the ride, watching us whirl around. Believe me, when I was a kid, I hardly knew those people existed! Also, I never used to have anything on me because I was a kid with my mother and this time I needed to ask if I could take a purse on the ride. Finally, very amusingly, the pull that the ride had every time your cart flies outwards, gave me a neck ache! I thought that was so funny since it's so obviously an old-person thing.
After that, I would have wanted to stay longer except I'd planned to meet this guy in the early afternoon. So, I went back to the ferry, then took the streetcar and then the subway home.
It's raining out. I love rain.
Anyway, I met the guy at 2:00pm. We met at Baskin Robbin's, the ice cream store, but in the end he wanted food so we went to a cafe.
There I was, sitting in a cafe watching a fellow Jew eat non-Kosher, all this on Shabbat. It was surreal for me. Totally weird. Once in a while I'd remember it's Shabbat and it as such a shocker.
After that I deposited a cheque and then came home.
I've done pretty much "nothing" the rest of the afternoon. Ate, slept, emailed, etc. And I've been feeling quite down sitting here all alone. Feeling lonely, sad. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and that's scary. Just not so much fun.
But now I'm getting hungry and I'm thinking of going out to get something... I'm also thinking of going to hang out in one of those big bookstores that I just love.
QE
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