Do I have any control?

I am back, obsessing again about finding a guy. I'm now on 2 dating websites and I am spending tons of time on them. I got home really early today. I finish at noon on Mondays. I immediately opened up the computer and got online. I slept a bit but have been on the sites almost the whole day.

It's so unhealthy. I feel like I don't have control over it. I don't know what to do because it's like this thing that I want to change and do something about (the thing being that I'm alone) but this doesn't help. If I'm online all the time, does that mean I'm going to find a guy that I actually like? You'd think yes. I'm there, people see me and so I'm being proactive about my situation.

Well, it must be bull shit because it feels horrible. I know I'm spending too much time on it. I know I'm going into "what if" mode big-time. It feels really bad but I can't stop.

I have an idea, finally, for a book! Won't write about it here cause right now it needs to stay a secret. But it's a good idea and I should do something about it. If only I'd stop spending hours looking for a boy.

Is it possible to fill one void (feeling lonely) with another void (being professional or in some other way, active)?

QE

Intensity at its greatest

Yesterday I met a boy online. We chatted and that was fine and normal. Today we spoke on the phone in the early afternoon and then later in the eve.

In the evening we spoke for around 1.5 hours. But it was this totally crazy intense conversation! We were talking a lot about religious and God and believing and how we live. It was so crazy intense. But what made it especially intense was the fact that to a certain extent, we are so on the same wavelength. And I think we are similar intelectually. So what happens is what we can be playing these mind games like crazy! Back and forth, throwing ideas, jokes, subtle comments to each other. Sometimes what one person says is "beyond" the other person but only slightly. Maybe that's only a matter of difference in culture or style of speech or something like that.

Especially in the beginning of the conversation I felt like I just didn't understand him. Did that change as the conversation developed?

And we also have a similar sense of humour. Except that he likes Mr. Bean. Oy!

He seems like a good guy. I was very open about where I am religiously. That I'm questioning things, etc., and he was so cool about it because he wants to be with someone who doesn't take things for granted, like life and stuff.

Of course I'm very nervous about meeting him tomorrow. There was a connection there. He said some things that really attracted me. I wonder if I'll like how he looks.

I said to someone today that I think it's such a nice idea to meet someone who really understands me. She said, what about meeting someone who you really understand? Such a cool idea, to switch it around and not be self absorbed or maybe it's just focusing on the giving part which is also about yourself and it is an extremely positive thing for you but it's not about you.

That so doesn't make sense but I'm sure you get the point.

QE

My negative behavior

Yes, I have negative behavior. Can you believe it? No, it's hard to believe. But I do. But I am pretty sure I know where it comes from. The question is, how to change your habits - those things you do over and over again, if you like it or not!

As I mentioned before, I'm signed back up to the dating website. I search like a crazy woman. I spend much too much time on it. I went to sleep much too late last night, one reason being too much time spent obsessing over the site.

I want to meet a nice boy so badly!!! I really wanna meet someone. But where is he? God, where is he? I want companionship. I want someone I feel comfortable with. Someone I feel can understand me.

Meanwhile, because of this, I'm wasting my energy and not doing things I want to be doing. I'm majorly going down in my productivity. It's sad to do that. It's such a waste of life. You can't try so hard with things, beyond where your control lies. You try as much as you can and then you keep living and breathing. And you hope for the best.

You have just got to let go.

But I wanna meet a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was busy looking for a job, a place to live, etc., I was fine in the boy area of my life. But I had something to focus on. I was focusing on finding a job and a place to live. That was the thing that I hoped would "fix" my life.

Now that I have both of those, I can't help but start looking for the next thing.

You know, I have all these things I want to do. Volunteer, work out, maybe find another little job.

But I'm wasting my energy on useless things instead.

QE

Writing and Life

Stephen King told me, in his On Writing book, that I should be writing at least 1000 words per day. Wow. 1000. I have now written 27. Well, 28 including the word “27.”

Then he says, What should you write about? Anything. As long as it’s true.

As long as it’s true. I love that. That statement in itself is so true. But it’s still hard to know what to write about.

I find the idea of being a writer so romantic. Though, I must say, I find the idea of being many things romantic. For example, today I went with 3 of my (amazing) cousins to an outdoor store and while they were looking at clothes, I sat on the comfy couch and looked at a magazine about outdoor running. It was amazing to me, the things that people do. People get certain ideas in their heads and they work to excel. It’s so beautiful. It makes me want to cry.

Actually, the whole store just excited me so much. It was almost anything you could want for the outdoors. And books on so many subjects! On different countries, types of outdoors sports (hiking, biking, canoeing, etc.). How wonderful! The store was crowded with people who want to see the world. Discover the world upon which they live. Upon which they were born. Understand it. Experience it. Feel it. Feel it in as natural a state as possible.

Oh, to understand. I suppose the best way to understand is through experience. We must experience this world!

Well, no one is forcing us to experience. We can just work, eat and sleep. Hang out with friends once in a while. Have some sex (whatever that means). Blah blah blah…

But no. If you care about Truth, you must try to experience. Each person experiences in a different way. I think the rule is to do things that are new to you. For one person, it might be trying a new restaurant. For another, it might be climbing a different mountain. For someone it could be learning tennis at the age of 40.

When I watched my sister’s tennis class last week, I was crying. It just made me feel so alive to see adults trying something new. Running around, trying to hit a tennis ball! Listening closely as the teacher (who was much younger than most of them!) explained how to do different swings. Running after the balls while dodging the flying ones. And for the last 20 minutes of class, they played a game, I think called the King of the Court. And there they were, 20 to 40 or 50-year-olds playing a game where someone becomes king! It was so wonderful. And it made me cry.

OK, so I think that rule #1 is trying new things. I think that rule #2 is attitude. Someone can try something new and the newness and the Godliness and meaning of the experience could pass them right by. I think it’s very important to work on perspective. On really trying to experience things to their fullest.

Really, truly feel.

Making big decisions but what’s big?

Today I made a big decision. I turned down a job offer as an office manager in a sleepover camp. I felt like it was such a big decision, I think especially because I turned it down. If I’d turned it “up,” it would have felt a bit different. When I accepted my current job it felt big, but this is feeling bigger.

But what is “big” anyway? So I turned down a 2-month opportunity. Is that really so big? If it had been a 1 year opportunity, would it be bigger? Is my decision really so earth-shattering? Need I feel such gravity from such a decision?

OK, but maybe everything carries great gravity. Maybe, if everything we do has meaning (since, in my opinion, if there is meaning in anything, there is meaning in everything) then every decision is big and cataclysmic. Right?

Then, all at once, everything shrinks down to a small and not-all-too-serious level. Because the decision to get 1 or 2 scoops of ice-cream is on the same level as deciding if I am going to have a child. Everything is important. Everything is meaningful, but I so totally don’t understand how things work (because it doesn’t make much sense to little ol’ me, that ice cream and creating life is on the same level), that I may as well not go crazy trying to figure out how everything works.

I needed to decide if I should go to camp or not. Yeah, so you think about it a bit. Pros and cons in your head (or even written down). Hemming and Ha-ing… And then you decide what to do.

Did I make the “right” decision? Well, there are 2 possible answers to that. Either 1) there is no way you can ever know the answer to that question or 2) all decisions are “right.”

The bottom line is, stop stressing. : )

Writing, loneliness

My aunt keeps walking by the family room, where I'm sitting with my computer. Everytime, she says, Oh, you're still on the computer? I really know how to spend a long time on the computer. I email, chat, check different websites like the weather, I blog and now, I'm back on the dating website.

I can't believe I'm back on. I was so happy to get off of them but now, I was feeling lonely, and so I went back on. Not that this helps remedy the loneliness. I suppose it gives hope of ending it. I do searches for guys. I check who's online. And it doesn't give me much hope. Not much at all! The guys just don't seem to be what I'm looking for.

QE