What came first, the thought or the event?

There is an idea that if you think and feel positive, more positive things will happen to you. Like, if you want specific things to happen to you in your career, if you focus on feeling like it's gonna happen, the chances of it happening are higher.

I'm a negative thinker. I believe that the chances of being truly happy, of finding the right guy, the right job, etc., are so low that it doesn't even really make sense that these things ever really will happen.

But I'm thinking that my way of thinking is BS.

I volunteer for this woman. She has MS (multiple sclerosis). Besides visiting her a couple of times a week, I also organize for other people to visit her other days of the week.

Now that I'm leaving, we were discussing that I need to find someone else to do the organizing instead of me. I had in my head that I'm never gonna be able to find someone to do it instead of me. Why should I be able to? It's an annoying job and it takes some time.

So she kept asking me if I'd found anyone and I kept saying, Not yet. I could hardly get myself to deal with it because I didn't have the strength to work on something that seemed like a lost cause before I even began.

Long story short: Today I found someone without having to do almost anything at all. It practically fell into my lap.

I'm always so worried about everything. Finding a good job, a good apartment, good roommates, being healthy, happy.........

I'm so scared about showing up in Vancouver without knowing anything. I am so used to thinking like this: How in the world am I going to find a place to live, a job... I don't understand how it could ever work out.

What a waste of energy. And things do work out. Not always and not always exactly how you'd expect or hope but that doesn't mean it's bad. And obviously worrying isn't exactly useful.

QE