I'm leaving this week for Toronto. Today, I was such a nervous wreck about getting things done, that I became unable to do anything. So, instead I went out to breakfast with my oldest sister and my mom. : ) Sounds a bit irresponsible but I have an excuse. See, when I'm a nervous wreck, as I was (and sort of am) this morning, I can't eat. But I find it easier to eat out just 'cause the food is yummier. Seriously! So, by the time my mom was leaving, I was so starving and so not doing anything anyway, that I figured the best thing would be to go with to the cafe.
And it was so nice. But I felt like I felt yesterday, on Shabbat, when I was sitting with 2 of my closest friends, talking in our kitchen. Suddenly I was looking at the picture from the outside and I became very aware of the fact that I'm leaving this. They were talking in their sort of typical way, in their familiar way, and I'm leaving that.
When I was sitting with my mom and sister, I felt the same thing. I felt that strong feeling of leaving this. And these things aren't bad things - my friends, my family - I just feel I need to get away from it for a while. And so it makes me feel very sad.
But I'm most terribly sad about leaving my little sister, Rachel. She is 6 years old. I am so close with her. I'm so sad about leaving her. She's so sweet. I love her so much. Whenever I talk about leaving her, I start crying. I'm just going to miss her soooo much. : ( And she's going to miss me so much also. I'm the closest to her out of all of use siblings (6 of us). She really wishes I didn't have to go.
But I do. I need to get away for a while.
I also had my last appointment with my therapist. We talked about a few important things. About the fact that I'm much to hard on myself. That I probably need to get away to figure out who I am without all the "noise" around me. Without being pushed along with the waves around me. Without feeling pressured to do what is expected of me.
We talked about the meaning of life. That I'm searching for meaning when really, maybe, what is most meaningful, I know is meaningful because it feels a certain way to me. Like, my relationship with Rachel. I know it's meaningful.
But I kept talking about the global meaning of everything. I said that I believe that either there is meaning in everything or meaning in nothing. So it isn't only important for me to to feel meaning on a personal level. For me, I feel like it needs to go along with a more global meaning.
She said that I'm very all-or-nothing. Maybe some things have meaning and other things don't. And she said about maybe the better tactic being "looking" for personal meaning.
Here is my latest theory:
It is impossible for us to ever really know and understand everything about the world. We are so tiny and it's so big. And humans just don't know and understand everything in the world. So, the best way to understand the worlds is by understanding the best you can, what you can understand, and that is yourself and things around you. So, the best thing you can do is try to understand yourself and your surroundings. Through that, if there is meaning, you should be able to figure things out, at least to a certain extent.
I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore and I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop for now.
QE
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2 comments:
Ah, the meaning of life. It's a big question. :) From my own experience, the things that have the most meaning to me are the things that touch my heart -- relationships, kindness, compassion, selflessness, fighting for a good cause, courage, integrity, and so on almost ad infinitum. It's those times when I feel most in tune with being human and being alive, with the grand reality of it all. I don't know the meaning of everything (other than that God lives and loves us), and I've finally convinced myself that that's okay. Like you said, we can't know everything. It's impossible. So instead we have to try to know the things that *do* matter, the things that help us endure the things we don't understand.
Well, at least your sister loves you! Your comments reminded me of what I have been feeling. Last week my neice was making a birthday invitation for me (her 6th birthday isn't until July). Her mom, told her I was going to be gone, my niece responded by saying "well, my birthday isn't for a long time." Of course my sister relayed the story to me.
Later, my neice gave me her carefully drawn card with a picture of me with an over sized head and a few missing fingers. I looked down at her and told her that I was actually going to have to miss two of her birthdays. She stared at me in utter astonishment. I suddenly felt horrid about deciding to serve a mission, but she quickly gave me a reassuring smile and said, "that's ok, you can still get me a present."
I'm sure your sister will miss you, for you. Being the youngest I know how important older sisters and brothers can be, and how lonely it is without them. At the same time, it's important for you to do what you feel you need to. I'm sure you'll be there for your sister when she needs you.
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