Self-inflicted loneliness - or is it?

It's definitely loneliness. The question is, is it self-inflicted?

At 1st glance, it definitely seems like I'm doing it to myself. I mean, I didn't have to, but I chose to move into this apartment in downtown Toronto. Where I pretty much know NO ONE. When I could have opted to living with my sister or my aunt.

And now, for the 1st time, I'm sitting in my apartment for a length of time, trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself and how the hell I feel about my situation! I say hell because it's not exactly feeling comfy at all! I'm tempting to jump on a subway up to my sister's. I already spoke to her on the phone and one of my cousins. I was going crazy when my internet wasn't working because that totally cut me off from the outside world!

When I thought of doing this living away from the people I love thing, I had all these plans. I knew it could be lonely but I felt it's what I need/needed. And you know, when I'm with the people I'm close with, I still feel the need to be away from them. For different reasons. The religious reasons - the need to make a distance between me and them in order to figure out what I want religiously in my life - is the biggy but it's not only that. I really don't want to be living with my sister and her family. I hate when they argue. I hate that I don't have my own space there. I hate that I don't feel totally comfortable there.

But I don't feel totally comfortable here either! I suppose I don't feel comfortable anywhere. Surprise surprise.

This whole thing makes me feel very stuck.