My feelings upon arrival in Toronto

So, I am in Toronto now. I can't believe it. I mean, it's not that crazy for me to be in Toronto, sitting at my sister's desk, emailing and blogging on her computer (in the middle of the night because I'm jetlagged).

But this is a bigger trip than the others were, till now. I'm here to search. To change. To understand.

But shit! What the hell do I think is in Canada that isn't in Israel? What the hell?

It reminds me of that idea that you have to go away in order to realize that what you really need is right at home, in front of your very eyes. Well, that's good too.

I feel like just being negative but it's funny. When I write, I can't help but try to think positive.

Firstly, I arrived on the most gloomy day possible. I love rain and gloom : ) but it is possible it affected my mood a little. I'm not sure, cause I really love it, but maybe.

My cousin picked me up at the airport. He was depressing to me. Maybe it was the hour (we met around 7:00 am) but he seemed so changed, in a very depressing way. He was a little strange. He's not a weirdo. Truth is, he just seemed very unhappy. I'm not sure.

Then I arrived at my sister's house. The family dynamics in her house depress me. Also the fact that it feels like she has things so hard, depresses me. It's like she's always struggling with a whole bunch of up-hill battles.

I must say that other times that I've come here, I hardly had strength to help. But yesterday, already, I was so much help to her. And that makes me happy. I held the new-born, went with her to pick new eyeglasses, picked up her oldest at her friend's house and cleaned up from supper. I know also how much it means to her, to have her family (me : ) around.

She just makes me so sad. When I was here last June she told me very strongly about problems her and my bro-in-law were/are having. It came out because she was especially upset. It's been almost a year since we sat in her living-room and talked about those things. I haven't brought it up since. I wonder if things are better. Because they were really bad.

I definitely feel bitterness. From my sister more than anyone.

God, it's so sad. You get married. You're so in love and excited and then BANG life hits you. Life with all its shit. My poor sister has some shit to take care of. I wish it could be taken care of because she has this great family. 4 great kids and a supposedly good husband. Except for the problems which are big and serious. Well, doesn't that suck.

Anyway, I just don't get why I'm here. One reason I can remember is that I needed to get away from there. Now that I'm here, I can't help but think that that is the main reason for me to be here. To be away from there.

I had so much pressure there.

Oh, I'm remembering why I'm here! The pressure. To be a certain way, to be judged by what you wear. To be forced into a little box (as I've said before, I'm not a cube!).

I exagerate but that's what it's been like for me lately. I just hope I'll be able to go back there with renewed strength, but I felt I needed to get away from it all for a while.

Funny, I just realized something else. It's easy for me to idealize Israel now because the 1-2 weeks before I left were fun in that everyone wanted to see me, wish me well. I got a few going-away presents which was fun. People were expressing to me how much they love me, will miss me and wish me only good things.

The night I left, my whole immediate family (the ones in Israel) came over and my mom made a beautiful meal as a going-away party for me. It was so nice! My mom made a toast to me.

The whole thing was so touching. My parents, 2 of my sisters and 2 of my neices all took me to the airport. We have a tradition that as the person is walking away, we keep turning around and waving, over and over again. It's actually ridiculiously hilarious! But the funny thing is that really my grandmother does it in a more extreme way than any of us. It is the funniest thing to see! You figure she's never actually going to take that extra step, after which, she won't be able to see us anymore. Too funny.

So, we got to the point where I needed to go on without them. It was my mom and sister (she is 2 years younger than me). We hugged each other and they said things about how they wished I didn't feel like I need to go away, but if I do, they only wish me the best. And my sister said something so nice (I'm crying as I write this). She said that at least I know I have them to come back to.

I'm telling you (tears are falling), it's so true. I'm so loved. I'm so cared for. I have such an amazing family. It's seriously unbelievable. I cannot believe how amazing they are. And how well we get along. It's fun to be together.

But I felt I needed to get away from them. I felt the need to break free from them. They are wonderful but I need to try to figure out who I am and what I need, while away from them. I've been questioning things they believe as Truth. I've been making decisions they have a hard time understanding. And the pressure of being around them was too hard.

Shabbat and Holidays were the hardest times. All these things you're supposed to do which I didn't feel like doing. Conversations that are not the types of conversations I need right now.

I really feel like I need to break free. I hope I will always be able to stay connected. Wow, everytime I think about my family, I start crying. So many people have such screwed up families and I have this (OK, obviously not perfect AT ALL!) amazing family.

So, here I am in Toronto. Trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing here. Being around my family here is what gave me the guts to come but it depresses me because it makes me think I haven't done anything by coming here. Especially because my grandmother lives here in Toronto.

I just had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of the need to get away from here. Not hang around here too long.

Oh God, then I got the counter-thoughts like, You are RUNNING AWAY!!!

But seriously, come on. Give yourself a break! You need to get away. So? Is that so bad? This is what you've decided; that you need to get away. Why beat yourself up about it?

Because I love beating myself up? Yeah, probably.

Anyway, but I don't have money so I need to look for a job here for a bit. Oh, it's all part of the journey, right?

Wow, it really helps me to be writing in this blog. It helps me see the emotions I'm feeling, try to figure out why and just see things more clearly.

Here's a beautiful song:
Artist: Johnny Nash LyricsSong: I Can See Clearly Now
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone.
All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin' but blue skies.
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.


Please God we should feel that way.

Love,
QE