If I had 2 years left

It's funny, I'm so used to living with people that believe, at least to some extent, in the Evil Eye. Like, we're always adding things to our sentences like, "If God so pleases" or "Without the evil eye." So, to write a title like I just wrote feels wrong to me. But I'm doing it cause it's important.

What would I do if I knew I was only going to be alive for another 2 years?

I wonder if that means I'd die without ever having had sex. Or, another quote from Little Women, "I haven't even been kissed. I've waited my whole life to be kissed!"

I haven't necessarily waited my whole life to be kissed but I have waited my whole life to really connect deeply with a life-partner. And if I'm going to die in 2 years, I don't see how it would be fair to keep looking for a life-partner. The poor guy would be so devastated and I could have stopped that, since I "knew" I wasn't gonna be around in the near future. I just would feel bad to do that to someone.

But I wonder if the most important things we do in our lives have to do with our connections with people. And to not be able to make the ultimate connection with a person, is just so sad.

And I'll never experience sex because I want to have sex with someone I love. So I wouldn't just go do it with someone random.

In "A Prayer for Owen Meany," Owen does a lot of writing. I love writing and so the 2 facts together (my love of writing and Owen Meany writing) has made me feel that maybe what I'd do a lot of during those 2 years, is writing.

But what would I write about? And is it worth writing if possibly almost no one will see it?

It's really not easy to know what to do. I suppose the best thing to do is what you feel like doing. Cause, for example, my immediate reaction to the thought of dying soon, is to stay at home with the people I love.

But next week I'm taking off to Canada. Does that make sense? Well, yes, if that's what I feel I need to do. I obviously need to do something in Canada that I can't do here. So, I need to go in order to do these things.

I'm quite sure I'd want to spend the "end" in Jerusalem with my family. Actually, I know that's what I'd want to do.

So, that leaves me around 1.5 years to do things.

Do I want to do something in connection with my training as a nutritionist?

I guess there are 2 main things I want to accomplish. I want to get to know myself better and help people be happier.

So many people are unhappy. Which people do I want to help?

I want to help people like me, because that's what makes sense. If I get to know myself well and I figure out, please God, a way to make myself happy, I'll be able to help people who are similar to me, to be happy.

How do I want to help them be happier?

Good question.

QE