Dear Isaac,

Oh, Isaac. I'm so sad. My friend was just over. She started dating Simon a bit before you and I started dating.

But she's still with him and I'm not with you. Oh, I'm so worried I'm never going to find someone to connect to deeply. What if?

She's really into this guy. She is so into him. She likes him so much. She's really crazy about him.

And I was so happy to hear her talk about him but, I'm sad to say, I was jealous. I'm jealous. I want to be so excited about a boy.

I know with us there were serious problems. I even know that it's very possible if I were to meet someone now, I'd get over you really fast. And truth is, I am totally getting over you.

But you are so many things to me. And sometimes I feed off of that, big time.

You are:
1. The 1st boy who wrote me a poem (well, 2, and I think others which you never sent me)
2. The 1st boy to ever try to kiss me. I didn't let you but it meant a lot to me.
3. The 1st boy to make me feel so good about myself. You complimented me a lot and were very open about how much you liked me and why.
4. The 1st boy with whom I held hands and hugged. After doing the no-touching dating scene for so many years, it's actually really hard to get used to touching and you were so sweet about it. You always said that it has to all be at my pace, the pace with which I'm comfortable.
5. The boy I have felt most strongly about. I told my mother very quickly that you are the nicest boy I've ever dated. Talk about important.

You are other things to me, I'm sure. You were an important step in this trip I call my life. Not only for relationship reasons but also for everything I'm going through.

After we broke up, I felt so strongly the need to get away from here for a while. Before that, my feelings were that it could be very good for me to get away but if I were to meet a guy I really liked, I'd consider staying. That is actually what was happening with Isaac. Because I was dating him, I put off making travel plans.

After we broke up I realized I need to get away, "no matter what." So, even when we were in touch again and there was a feeling that maybe, just maybe, we could get back together and try it again, I said that I still feel the need to get away. "No matter what." And that was so important.

Also, because you're totally secular, I was forced, and still am when I think of you, to see how I feel about Orthodoxy. I have come to a very strong but hurtful realization. You expressed your lack of connection with the Orthodox way of life, to say the least. So pretty much, it could only work out between us if I really decided I don't want to be religious. But I can't imagine ever being with someone who so can't relate to Orthodoxy. even if I'm never again religious, it is what I grew up with. It's such a major, important part of who I am. I need to be able to... You know, I can't figure out what it is that I need. I can't put my finger on it or put it into words. Because you expressed respect for religious people. But the rituals and stuff seem pretty meaningless to you.

That makes me so upset, the idea that you don't see anything in it. I can't imagine ever being in a place that that would be OK for me.

It's so sad... I don't know if I really should tell you about these feelings of mine. Maybe you should know that because of this, as terribly sad as this is for me, I can't see us ever being together. I just think I need someone who is more open to the religious world.

It's so sad. So awfully sad. I so wanna believe it could work out between us. But with this, I don't see how it's possible. So, so, so, so sad.

QE