Wow, life, oh life

I'm afraid of the park, 'specially when I'm in the park. When there's no one else around, oh I get the shivers. I don't wanna see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most. Rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news.

Life, oh life, oh life, oh life. Doo doo doo doo...

I love that song. I love songs that I love. It's one of the best things in life, hearing a song you love, especially on the radio because you don't actually expect to hear it.

Wow. So much is going on. And I feel bad because I don't always remember what I already wrote here in the blog and I'm always worried that either I'll repeat things - and that's annoying - or I'll leave important pieces of info out. So, please bear with me!

Since Isaac and I broke up, and I had that other guy who didn't want to go out with me because I'm not religious, I have had an extremely strong feeling that what I really need, really is to get away. I really do feel like I don't fit anywhere here. I feel like you've gotta fit somewhere here and the places into which you need to fit are much too defined. Maybe in generally but especially for me right now. I need to be able to "Just Be" for a while. I need to be away from everyone that I know. I really need to get away.

Since we broke up, we've been back in touch. We had to email about a tax issue that came up but then it turned personal. Yes, taxes-turned-personal. Too funny. And we've been emailing about a while bunch of things. Mostly serious stuff about our relationship and what happened and who felt what when and then a whole bunch of us showing our appreciation to each other.

It's been pretty intense emailing and it's been a little strange because it hasn't been in the realm of a "real" relationship. But it's OK. I'm feeling like the emailing is almost over. God, he's just such a sweety. He's so sensitive and kind. He has such a good heart. Such a good heart. He is really special.

He told me that he asked me out not long after I told him that I'm planning on traveling, because he figured he didn't have much to lose cause anyway I was leaving very soon. So, if it didn't work out, big deal cause we wouldn't see each other for a long time anyway.

Ha! He says he couldn't have imagined it would go so far. He was sure that after 1 or 2 dates I'd dump him and that would be it. Ha!

We both like each other and respect each other so much.

I told him I have this dream that I'll go away for a few months. He'll get stronger and happier and healthier (did I mention he's after a 7 year relationship and he's terribly hurt from it?) and I'll also have good and important experiences and I'll know more of who I am and what I want. Then, I'll come back to Jerusalem, we'll get together again and it will be really wonderful together. I said to him that I think that would be the most beautiful love story every.

So now I'm gonna try to go away. It's scary like you can't imagine, and it's only going to get scarier as the time draws nearer, but I'm feeling very strongly that it's what I need to do. And if you ask me why, I can tell you. For me that's really important, that I should be able to verbalize why I feel that I need to do something. You can't always but it's such a big, scary, decision, that when I wasn't able to tell you why I needed to go, I didn't really feel I had the strength to actually go through with it.

Of course I could totally write more but I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop for now.

QE