Things changing

Things are changing so quickly. Yesterday I went with 2 friends to the beach. We took our instruments and sat on the rocks, as the waves hit up against them, playing music together.

I started out sad and probably gradually got sadder and sadder as the day went on. I knew that Isaac was going to be writing me an email that I'd probably receive upon my return home. And I knew that the moment was coming when we would finally say that we can no long email each other because it wasn't good for us.

I was already so sad as my friend and I sat on the train, on the way back to Jerusalem. When I got home, I read the email from Isaac. He told me one more thing he found fascinating about me and told me he didn't think we should keep in touch anymore because it was keeping both of us stuck. As I wrote him back, I was so sad, I cried. The fascinating thing he'd thought of, about me, was the fact that I have two opposites to me. One is so scared and sad that he wants to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright and the other is so brave and strong that he just wants to hug me and for me to tell him that everything is going to be alright.

Only Isaac could see something like that. In my email back to him, I told him he was right, we need to discontinue emailing and that I needed someone desperately to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I told him I was crying. I told him that he shouldn't answer my email cause someone needs not to answer.

He wrote back that he wasn't able to be the one who doesn't answer. So I told him to write me one more time and I wouldn't answer him. We decided I'd be in touch with him about any tax things that came up - and I know that's going to happen because we're in the middle of something little - and then we'd also ask each other how we're doing. Also, I told him that I'd let him know when I'm leaving.

Yes, I'm leaving. So it seems. I am booked on a flight to Canada for around 3 weeks from now. I think I'm actually going to get away for a while. As I think I mentioned, I dream of going away and that when I return I'll have changed and he'll have changed and then we'll be perfect together.

That idea actually scared me because this whole journey I'm not is fueled by my want to find truth and I hope I don't end up making decisions with Isaac in mind. I want to do what feels most true to me.

It's hard. All of this is hard. So many big things happening. But I hope it's all worth it. If I don't end up with Isaac, I'll end up with someone who is even better for me. I will hopefully find a way to live a happier life than I have been doing till now.

QE