So lonely

I'm so goddamn lonely. Today I've been filling my loneliness with food. Lots of food. I end up eating till I feel so full that I can hardly move. Even lying down is uncomfortable at that point. I don't know if I've felt any hunger today. Because I was so sure to eat eat eat...

I feel horrible that I'm wrecking the holiday for those around me. It's hard not to. I need to make such a special effort to not say or do things that remind the people around me how unenthusiastic I am about the holiday. A big part of me wishes I could just hide in my room, or even better, somewhere far away from here, until it's over.

I remember when preparing for Pessach was fun and exciting. I remember sometimes, the night before Pessach, we would all stay up, almost all night, cooking for the seder and listening to music in the kitchen. We had so much fun those times! And now, for me, it's gone. It's this lovely dream to think about but it is accompanied by such sadness. The sadness I keep feeling when I'm reminded of what's lost.

Did I ever post a poem I wrote in August of 2005? Before I continue writing, I'm gonna end this post, post the poem on its own and then continue writing.

to be continued...

QE