So lonely continued

For me that poem has so much meaning because it's about holding onto things that you don't really have so they aren't really making you happy. Like, you can hold onto a relationship, a religion, or whatever, but if you don't really have it, it's fake and it will not be able to make you truly happy.

That was the story of my life. Holding onto all these things for dear life. I never wanted to give them up. The most significant thing I was holding onto was my religion. It took me so many years to come to the conclusion - or maybe just to admit to myself - that I don't have it. I need to stop trying so desperately to have it. As terrifying as it is, I need to let go (of what I don't have anyway) and let myself fall. To where? How? I have no idea! As my very smart friend said yesterday, you can't really plan out a free-fall that well. Then it won't be a free fall.

So I'm freeeeeeeeee
Free falling
(that's the song, feel free to sing)

It's so scary, over and over again. It's like a nightmare where over and over again you keep realizing the reality of the nightmare. It's like:
"Oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing with my life...
"Oh my God, I have no idea what's going to happen...
"Oh God!!! What in the world am I doing?
"Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's an example of what I'm going through on a regular basis.

And people wonder what's making me a little difficult. That I'm not so with it. I can't help so much. I have a hard time getting myself to do anything that's a little bit difficult for me.

Truth be told, I've always been like that. But ridiculously, I thought that now that I don't have any work, I'd be more available to help my mom. But instead I spend hours writing emails to that boy I liked so much, and then when that's not "allowed," I'm writing in this blog.

I'm feeling useless. And it's funny because I'm not totally useless. I do volunteer. I have strength to get together with friends. Last night I cleaned the kitchen from supper. I'm 100% sure I'm not actually depressed because I'm active. Just that it's often in a useless way for my mom.

I'm so scared. I'm so scared it can be paralyzing.

I'm so sad. I'm so sad it can overcome me as physically as a wave.

I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely I could cry.

I'm so alone. I'm so alone I could die.

Where is my hope supposed to come from? Where?! In the fact that for the 1st time in my life I'm admitting things to myself? In the fact that it's the 1st time I'm taking steps that actually will allow any chance of being happier?

But right now my decisions are making me terribly sad. Terribly alone.

I just wrote (around 2 hours ago) a letter to Isaac about how important our relationship was for me. I felt so much potential there for a bit. It was unreal. It was so exciting. I was also freaked out and terrified but I was also able to enjoy it. At least sometimes... And now that's over too. And I know it was the right decision but it's so sad.

The craziest thing happened to me. Isaac and I finished saying goodbye. We gave each other a long, hard, heart-felt hug. It was so nice to hug him. And then we said goodbye and I got out of the car.

I took 2 steps and took out my cell phone. I saw that it was vibrating. I was getting a phone call from someone who I knew 100% was calling to set me up with a guy. She'd tried setting us up earlier and we were both interested but then for different reasons, it didn't work out then. So, now she was calling (as I stepped out of Isaac's car) to let me know that he was available and wanted to give me a call.

For the 1st time ever, I think, I needed to tell someone outside of the family, that I'm not really religious anymore. I could have not said anything because I wanted to go out with him but I'm sick of pretending. As much as I feel is lost by telling the truth, sometimes. By trying to be as real as possible, it's as if I feel I have no other choice.

So, I called her the next day (I didn't answer right then because I wasn't up to talking and I didn't know what to tell her). I had decided I'd be able to go out with him even though I'd just finished with Isaac because I felt OK about it. But I told her that I wasn't really religious anymore. She asked me about Shabbat and Kashrut (keeping Kosher) and I said those were slowly going too.

I got off the phone and just felt like crying. This totally nice, cool boy isn't going to wanna go out with me now! What am I doing?!

Turns out he did think about it a bit but he concluded he didn't want to go out with me if I'm not religious.

So then I was thinking, why in the world did I get that call right as I got out of the car with Isaac? And then I realized... Isaac symbolizes, for me, the secular world. He actually scared me off of it and made me feel like I'd prefer not to be a part of it.

This other guy symbolizes for me the religious world.

And by a relationship not being able to work out in either worlds, I was hit hard with the fact that I don't fit in either. As far as I'm concerned, I really, truly don't fit anywhere.

I am officially a wandering (and wondering) Jew. I don't fit here.

Then I realized that the idea of my going away for a while really might have sense in it after all.

I feel like Jo in Little Women. At one point (after Laurie asks to marry her and she says no) she cries to her mother that she doesn't feel like she fits anywhere and she wonders if she ever will. And they decide she needs to go away for a while. I can totally relate to the feelings she had at that point of, "Will I ever fit in anywhere?!"

I'm so hurting. I wish I could just hide somewhere till after the holiday.

QE