Lost

I've only been in touch with Isaac for 1.5 weeks and it's gotten really intense. We are very similar in many ways. We connect on quite a few different levels.

I was feeling such a deep, personal connection, that I felt it was wrong for me to write about him in a public blog. I actually mentioned that to him and he said he doesn't mind but still I wasn't sure I felt so comfortable about it.

Anyway, I really feel like I need to write and he even gave me his OK so I'm gonna do it.

Tonight we talked about religious issues. I tried to explain to him where I am and he tried to explain to me where he is. It was crazy intense. I was all worried, he was all worried. We were both so scared about what could happen. Are we enough in the same place that it's worth continuing, trying to build something between us? So many big questions and all of this when he is generally feeling very vulnerable. He's terrified of getting hurt after recently being very hurt by someone.

It was so intense and it brought up so much of the horrible feelings I have during the changes I'm going through right now religiously. I so don't know where I am, what I need, what I want, where I want to go to. It hurts me so much to think about this. I know I don't connect to the religious world at this point but it's the world I know. It's the world I wanted to be a part of. It hurts so much to be letting go of it. Especially when I don't see any other world that can compare with its depth and meaning.

But to me it doesn't have that depth and meaning. So no matter how many people I respect and love are living that way, if I don't connect, I just can't do it. But what the hell am I supposed to do instead?! I don't understand how someone can live without religion.

I feel so stuck. I suddenly start feeling like it still is an important thing for me to go away. But what will going away give me? Will it help to be away from all of this intense Israeli world for a while? I'll still be with myself. I still don't know what to do.

I'm feeling so horrible. I feel so stuck. So, so stuck. I could cry. I feel like there is no way out of where I am. I feel like there is no solution.

I feel so lost.

QE