I feel so empty

I am always searching, searching, searching... For that thing that really will fill me up. Where is it? What is it? I check my email, seriously, I have no idea how many times a day. Even now that I know (well, you never really know) that Isaac isn't going to be writing me, I still am hoping for that salvation from somewhere. And what better place to hope for it from than email? Than internet?

I used to be on these dating website and then I could always hope to have a message from a guy from the site. But I deleted my profiles because I realized how unhealthy it had gotten for me. I was using it in an addictive kind of way.

All these external things, through which I try to fill myself. It's so futile.

Being with Isaac felt like a more real way to fill myself than other ways. His appreciation of me. His affection towards me. The soooo nice things he said to me. They filled me up. They were like fuel in a car. I felt the energy it gave me. It was so wonderful... Don't get me wrong. It's not as if the whole relationship was wonderful. We had lots of problems and it makes sense we stopped dating. But God is it sad. God is it hard. It was so nice being appreciated.

He said these things to me that I could feel physically when he said them. I loved it.

But all of this is external. I believe we need people. We need each other. A major part of living is needing and giving to each other. But we must know how to build strength from within. We should not be totally dependent on others. We should have a strong core that keeps us standing strong.

I don't have that. I feel like I have nothing inside. I don't know what it is that keeps me going. But it's not very strong. Maybe it's a hope, a dream. But I don't own a strong sense of self. I suppose that what I own is a strong will to find and acquire my strong sense of self.

This excitement I feel when I write that is so backward. OK, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's not so backward.

I have this hope that I'll work on myself and Isaac will work on himself, and then, when we meet up again after a certain amount of time, we will both be in much better places, in which, we can build a wonderful, healthy relationship.

Why is this dream backwards? Because what I should be hoping for is a strong sense of self and self worth and that I should find a place in which I will be happy. I cannot know if this place will be a good one with which to build a relationship with Isaac. So that should not be my focus. See, I still have him in my mind and heart so that I feel like my decisions are somewhat affected by him.

I feel bound to him by my hair. He has told me he doesn't want me to cut my hair because he loves it how it is. I wasn't necessarily gonna cut my hair but now I feel like I don't really want to because "when" we get back together, I want him to be attracted to me. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I specifically should cut my hair in order to free myself from him.

It feels so screwed up but this is my being bound.

Also, with my religious journey, on the one hand I want to end up in a place that could work with Isaac, on the other hand I don't want these decisions, which are some of the most important in my life, should be affected by something external.

What in the world is my point? I'm not sure anymore. I know this post started off being about emptiness. I'm sure there is a connection here but now I'm too tired to figure this out.

QE