I do bad things to myself

I eat too much. I'll just keep eating and eating because I don't have strength to deal with real life. Instead of feeling sad, scared, lonely, I eat and make sure to stay stuffed.

Today I went out to lunch with my friend. I ate my whole salad and a couple pieces of bread, even though I could feel it was too much for me. I should have eaten around half of that. Then I would have been satisfied but felt good. This way, I was too full and felt gross.

I took the leftovers home which was the pasta that was in the salad that I hadn't eaten only because I didn't feel like it. So I ate it very soon after I got home. I ate it when I was still very, very full from lunch. Then, within probably 1-2 hours, I ate again, on a very full stomach.

Oh, in the middle I also had 2 spoons of peanut butter and a cup of decaf coffee.

I feel like I'm reporting to a nutritionist. But the point isn't exactly what I ate but how I ate. In my opinion it's the how that is so important.

I once read that eating is you choosing life. I believe that depending on how you eat it is either a choice of life or death. There is a certain choice of death in eating how I so often eat.

I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely. I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe I just don't feel like dealing with it. I don't feel like I can deal with it. So I eat and eat and eat.

I am not overweight. See, it doesn't have to do with that either. That is one of the reasons that checking a person's body weight is so totally not enough information intake in order to assess a person's health. I am thin. I am around 5'4 and I weigh around 58 kg. But I am not healthy. I often feel gross. I feel gross because I put too much food in my body and it takes hours, often over night or longer, for my poor body to deal with it. Also, often when I eat too much, I get dehydrated. For some reason I feel it in my feet. They are achy. But my stomach is too full so I can't drink that much in order to make up for it. I'll pee and it sort of hurts. That happens when I'm dehydrated. But it takes me a while to fix that because my stomach is too full.

I feel I could go on and on about this. It's so ridiculous because I have a friend who is convinced I'm this perfect eater. It's so crazy. She's struggled with different bad eating habits pretty much her whole life. It annoys me that just because I've been thin my whole life, and I don't know why else but she must know, she sees me as this great, healthy eater. Pretty annoying.

Anyway, so I do bad things to myself. There are other bad things I do to myself. Like eating, it's a lot of the regular things, that so many people in our society do. Why we do it is the big question and the big question after that is, how do we work on stopping it. We want to, but we can't. Why?

QE