He makes me feel so good

That title just made me think of the song, "You make me feel like a natural woman."

He wrote me such a nice email this morning. He's so amazing. He said that he thought it would be years before he could open up to another woman after being hurt so badly by his girlfriend of 7 years. He is so happy to see that he was already able to open up. And he said he never could have opened up to anyone but me. Little, ol' Me. God, it just makes me feel so good about myself. That such a special person needed specifically Me to help him. That I am the one that was able to make such a big and positive impact on his life. In such a serious way because he is so terribly hurt.

He wrote twice about falling in love with me. Once he said that he was seconds from actually falling in love with me.

The other thing was really cute. See, we had this thing that I was always changing my email signature. And I was using an email address that I don't use with most people so really, whenever I changed the signature, it was for him more than anything. And it was always connected to what we were going through. It was one of our private jokes.

Anyway, I just changed it again (to, "Be brave. It's better than you think") and I asked him what he thought of it. He said that he liked the 1st one the most ("What's real?") because it reminds him of how everything started. Because it all started by him asking me what I meant by my signature. Then he wrote me a poem back called, "What's real" and he wrote how he felt about me. And also, it still is the big question I'm asking myself.

But then he said he had an idea for a signature for me but he was pretty sure I wouldn't be willing to use it:

"Don't look into Esther's eyes because if you do, you'll fall in love with her. How can you not?"

I wrote back that not everyone feels they're gonna fall in love with me by looking into my eyes. That not everyone was like him.

I'm feeding off of what I have left of him. Part of me is scared to do that because I'm worried I'm idealizing something that afterwards maybe I'll dream about when in reality, it may never happen again. As I said before, we both dream of having a 2nd chance together when things have more of a chance. But maybe that will never happen. Maybe he'll meet someone before that and I'll be a little, or a lot, hurt. Because I don't want him to be seconds from falling in love with someone else. I feel like that takes away from what we had/have.

It reminds me of my grandmother. She and my grandfather were married happily for around 36 years. They were very in love. They practically had love at 1st sight. When he passed away, my grandmother didn't want to live anymore. She was so heart broken. But she actually remarried around 1 year later. It's hard to imagine. Living 36 years with one man who you love and then only 1 year later, living with a new man.

But my grandmother has so much love in her. Love to give. Love to get. She needed someone to be with. And she ended up being very much in love with her 2nd husband too. Actually, the beginning of the marriage didn't go so well and they almost got divorced. But something changed (my grandmother is one person from whom you can learn about working hard in a relationship), they didn't get divorced, and they lived together happily for over 10 years (I think, something like that).

Does that take away from the 36 years she had with my grandfather? I suppose not.

We're just so used to thinking that there is one person for each person and suddenly when you start mixing and matching, it's hard to understand it.

Anyway, so to get back to the wish. I wish that after we've had a few months away from each other, we will be in good places in order to work on a relationship. But that may never happen. For so many reasons. I would love to believe that the chances of it happening are high but what do I know. There are reasons I'd think the chances are high. But on the other hand, there are things that make me feel the chances are so low.

I can't get over his appreciation of me. I don't know if I've ever feel so appreciated. I know my mother appreciates me but I never felt appreciated like I did from him. With everything he was going through - the pain, etc. - he was able to see me in quite a real way. And it's an amazing feeling, being seen. Maybe if only for the fact that it makes you feel alive. And very important.

I'm telling you, if I'm as great as he says I am, I am seriously one very special person.

There are a couple of things I want to get out of my trip. I want to feel I have more direction of where I'm heading religiously and I want to know and like myself more.

Those are 2 very important things for myself and as a result, they are also integral in building a healthy relationship with someone else. If I know more who I am and what I need and hopefully if I like myself more, then there is something to work with.

QE