There were 2 things that made my therapist think that maybe, just maybe, I have a slight case of depression. Oh, sorry, Depression, with a capital "d."
1. I don't know if I ever remember being really happy. There is always a part of me that is outside of a situation, an experience, thinking, thinking thinking. That voice going, "Hmmm, am I really comfortable right now? Not really." Or, "Yeah, so that joke is hilarious... But what, really, is the meaning of life anyway? How can I laugh when I don't even know if there is any meaning to anything?"
2. I can't imagine ever!!!! truly being happy. I can't imagine that such a thing could actually ever exist. The idea boggles my mind. I am scared to hope for it since I don't see how it's possible that it even exists.
So she told me she wants me to see a psychiatrist so he can diagnose me, or not. After she said that, I needed to decide if I want to do that or not.
The question is, is it good to be labeled? Is it good to be diagnosed? Are these diagnoses helpful, truthful, useful? Are they possibly detrimental? Maybe knowledge is power and knowing you are prone to depression helps you understand yourself more. Maybe it helps you identify when it's your "depressed voice" speaking.
Maybe, on the other hand, it could be detrimental. You have an "excuse" to be a certain way. And since we're talking about a biochemical imbalance here, there's not much you can do! You're screwed! You're doomed. You will probably be offered meds which either you take and become dependent on (and that in itself is a whole other story) or you don't take them but you know that there is this constant imbalance...
...supposedly...
Maybe this conventional stuff is too into deciding exactly what supposed disease you have, put you on meds that will supposedly make you all better, without actually paying attention to the whole picture. Maybe it makes a hell of a lot of sense to feel down all the time because you've been spending years and years trying to live this screwed up, unhealthy way, which was the way you believed you were supposed to live and if that was the way to live, then it makes sense that in your mind you couldn't see how it could ever be that you would be truly happy!
Maybe you never felt truly happy because you were too busy trying to fill the roles you thought you needed to fill!
Anyway, as my friend so eloquently said, "SCREW THE GIRDLE!!!!!!"
QE
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It's hard to know sometimes whether something like depression, if that is what is is, is biological or situational
It seems odd that you would have depression all of your life, so I wonder if it is not knowing if there really is meaning to anything.
It could be that you are more sensitive or thoughtful about certain aspects of life, that other people don't care about so it doesn't depress them.
I'd hardly penalize you with medication simply because your searching, but I'd still be careful in case it is biologial.
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