Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Thinking lots about happiness
I'm thinking a lot about happiness. Because I want it and it seems most people don't have it. And I guess part of me believes it's totally possible to be happy so I want to know what the happy people are doing right and the unhappy people are doing wrong.
Which makes me realize even moreso how much I believe that most of a person's happiness stems from something internal. It's something you work on. You only have so much control over what you have, get, etc. In other words, over the external part of your life. But your attitudes, outlooks, etc., you have much more control over. These are the things I believe you need to work on in order to be happy, whether you've got a Ferrari or not. : )
QE
Which makes me realize even moreso how much I believe that most of a person's happiness stems from something internal. It's something you work on. You only have so much control over what you have, get, etc. In other words, over the external part of your life. But your attitudes, outlooks, etc., you have much more control over. These are the things I believe you need to work on in order to be happy, whether you've got a Ferrari or not. : )
QE
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Internal or External and Happiness
What do you need in order to truly be happy?
Buying a new dress makes you feel happy, right? Well, that's external. And what if you can't get the new dress? Does that make you unhappy?
In Breakfast at Tiffany's the guy says you've gotta face facts about life and that people fall in love and it's the only way you have a chance of ever really being happy.
Falling in love with someone. Is that external or internal?
It's probably both but first, lets say it's external.
To fall in love with someone, you need the someone. Without that someone, you will not be able to fall in love. What if that someone never comes along? That means the externality of "someone" is needed in order to fall in love. So it's external.
But falling in love is an emotion, sort of. It's something that happens internally.
OK, ready to hear what I think?
Yes, external things can help make you happy but it's ALL about your internal state that will actualize an external experience into the happiness.
That is why, one person will need to eat gourmet while someone else can eat a piece of bread with butter (yum!) and both could be equally happy. It's all about the internal.
I believe happiness is internal. External things can help. Like, Isaac showing such appreciation for me. Almost falling in love with me (as he said), telling me how beautiful I am, helped. It made me feel good which made me feel happier than I had been.
But it was never enough because of how I feel inside.
Man, I feel like it's so hard for me to explain and I actually don't feel able to right now. Especially since it's a bit late, I'm tired, and I wanna go to sleep.
I'll just end with one question. If someone is very poor or the love of their life died, or something very sad like that, is it possible for them to "still" be happy?
QE
Buying a new dress makes you feel happy, right? Well, that's external. And what if you can't get the new dress? Does that make you unhappy?
In Breakfast at Tiffany's the guy says you've gotta face facts about life and that people fall in love and it's the only way you have a chance of ever really being happy.
Falling in love with someone. Is that external or internal?
It's probably both but first, lets say it's external.
To fall in love with someone, you need the someone. Without that someone, you will not be able to fall in love. What if that someone never comes along? That means the externality of "someone" is needed in order to fall in love. So it's external.
But falling in love is an emotion, sort of. It's something that happens internally.
OK, ready to hear what I think?
Yes, external things can help make you happy but it's ALL about your internal state that will actualize an external experience into the happiness.
That is why, one person will need to eat gourmet while someone else can eat a piece of bread with butter (yum!) and both could be equally happy. It's all about the internal.
I believe happiness is internal. External things can help. Like, Isaac showing such appreciation for me. Almost falling in love with me (as he said), telling me how beautiful I am, helped. It made me feel good which made me feel happier than I had been.
But it was never enough because of how I feel inside.
Man, I feel like it's so hard for me to explain and I actually don't feel able to right now. Especially since it's a bit late, I'm tired, and I wanna go to sleep.
I'll just end with one question. If someone is very poor or the love of their life died, or something very sad like that, is it possible for them to "still" be happy?
QE
It's 1 month
I just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. I'm watching a lot of movies that I get totally different things out of them than I did when I watched them a few months or years ago. It's a pretty silly movie, a lot of it. But there is so much that speaks to me in that movie.
But my title is "It's 1 month." I just realized that it's exactly 1 month since Isaac wrote me that 1st email in which he told me he had feelings for me. It was the 26th of March. I don't usually remember dates. Maybe it's because he's special to me. Maybe because it was 4 days before my birthday (March 30th).
It makes me so sad things aren't as simple as they are in movies. I suppose that's for the best.
QE
But my title is "It's 1 month." I just realized that it's exactly 1 month since Isaac wrote me that 1st email in which he told me he had feelings for me. It was the 26th of March. I don't usually remember dates. Maybe it's because he's special to me. Maybe because it was 4 days before my birthday (March 30th).
It makes me so sad things aren't as simple as they are in movies. I suppose that's for the best.
QE
actually, not much to say at all
Why would I feel like writing here when I don't really feel like I have anything to write? Also, isn't that a little inconsiderate for my potential readers? That you might end up having to read something that has higher potential of being boring? And, wouldn't it also lower my chances of being read, now and in the future?
So, isn't this all in all a very bad decision?
Tisk tisk tisk... It really makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm a very bad person.
Makes sense, no? I do very bad thing. This makes me very bad.
And that lowers my chances of being read, even more. Because why would you want to read something written by someone so bad?
Or actually, maybe this raises my chances of being read. Because people, on a certain level, crave very bad things.
QE
So, isn't this all in all a very bad decision?
Tisk tisk tisk... It really makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm a very bad person.
Makes sense, no? I do very bad thing. This makes me very bad.
And that lowers my chances of being read, even more. Because why would you want to read something written by someone so bad?
Or actually, maybe this raises my chances of being read. Because people, on a certain level, crave very bad things.
QE
Seems I really am, LEAVING ON A JETPLANE!!!
I actually now own a plane ticket. Yes, it is sitting in my desk drawer. Truth is, it's an e-ticket which means it's just a piece of paper printed from the travel agent's computer. But it's a ticket nonetheless (I love saying, "nonetheless").
I'm going to Toronto. From there I hope I'll still have the guts to continue to Vancouver.
I can't write anymore this second cause I'm using my dad's computer and he just told me he needs it.
QE
I'm going to Toronto. From there I hope I'll still have the guts to continue to Vancouver.
I can't write anymore this second cause I'm using my dad's computer and he just told me he needs it.
QE
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Isaac, Holocaust memorial day, travelling, money, emotions
This morning I wrote a letter to Isaac which I knew I couldn't send yet but I was planning on sending it when I'd anyway need to send him a letter. Yes, a little psycho.
Then, I was out for a few hours. On my way home I was imagining that I'd arrive home and see I had an email from him. He'd write that he needs to speak to me. I'd call him and apologize for not calling right away, because I was out so I didn't get his email right away.
And when I got home, I checked my email and I actually did have an email from him! Pretty crazy, no?
Today is Holocaust memorial day. At 10:00am there is a siren (like an air-rade siren but one you can differentiate from the one that tells you to go into your bomb shelters) during which, everyone stops everything and stands to remember the Jews killed in the Holocaust.
It's amazing to experience this, especially when you are on the street. People stop their cars in the middle of the road, get out and stand next to them.
The same thing is done here on memorial day for the fallen soldiers and people killed in terrorist attacks. On that day (which is a week from today) there is a siren the evening of and then in the morning.
Anyway, so Isaac wrote me this extremely short email, asking me if I make sure to stand during the siren.
He's so funny... I can't figure out why he felt the need to write that to me. OK, there are at least 3 important things I can think of. Firstly, it is something that is really important to him and he needs to know (not that it matters at this moment, but if we end up back together in the future...) this because if I said no, that would be a very serious thing for him. Secondly, he just thinks about me tons and so this question came up. Thirdly, he's feeling especially sad today and felt the need to be in contact with me.
Anyway, I wrote him that I've finalized a date for my travelling to Canada. I'm leaving the 11th of May.
Turns out I have a ridiculously small amount of money. Oy! It's freaking me out. My dad has started telling me that he understands if I need to take money from him. It just made me cry cause I so didn't want to be dependant on him. Part of me wishes so much I could support myself for this. I feel like it somehow makes me trip so much less "me" if I can't even finance it properly, myself. It's very upsetting.
I got a great Vancouver contact. It seems like she is going to be so helpful with finding a place to live and a job. She's actually here right now and she's willing to meet me. Yay!
I need to end right now but emotions... I wrote "emotions" in the subject. Well, they are flying all over the place. Excited, terrified, sad, lonely, hopeful...
QE
Then, I was out for a few hours. On my way home I was imagining that I'd arrive home and see I had an email from him. He'd write that he needs to speak to me. I'd call him and apologize for not calling right away, because I was out so I didn't get his email right away.
And when I got home, I checked my email and I actually did have an email from him! Pretty crazy, no?
Today is Holocaust memorial day. At 10:00am there is a siren (like an air-rade siren but one you can differentiate from the one that tells you to go into your bomb shelters) during which, everyone stops everything and stands to remember the Jews killed in the Holocaust.
It's amazing to experience this, especially when you are on the street. People stop their cars in the middle of the road, get out and stand next to them.
The same thing is done here on memorial day for the fallen soldiers and people killed in terrorist attacks. On that day (which is a week from today) there is a siren the evening of and then in the morning.
Anyway, so Isaac wrote me this extremely short email, asking me if I make sure to stand during the siren.
He's so funny... I can't figure out why he felt the need to write that to me. OK, there are at least 3 important things I can think of. Firstly, it is something that is really important to him and he needs to know (not that it matters at this moment, but if we end up back together in the future...) this because if I said no, that would be a very serious thing for him. Secondly, he just thinks about me tons and so this question came up. Thirdly, he's feeling especially sad today and felt the need to be in contact with me.
Anyway, I wrote him that I've finalized a date for my travelling to Canada. I'm leaving the 11th of May.
Turns out I have a ridiculously small amount of money. Oy! It's freaking me out. My dad has started telling me that he understands if I need to take money from him. It just made me cry cause I so didn't want to be dependant on him. Part of me wishes so much I could support myself for this. I feel like it somehow makes me trip so much less "me" if I can't even finance it properly, myself. It's very upsetting.
I got a great Vancouver contact. It seems like she is going to be so helpful with finding a place to live and a job. She's actually here right now and she's willing to meet me. Yay!
I need to end right now but emotions... I wrote "emotions" in the subject. Well, they are flying all over the place. Excited, terrified, sad, lonely, hopeful...
QE
Monday, April 24, 2006
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend
There is a song on the radio which I love. Those are the main words of the song. Then it also goes:
"You have been the one. You have been the one for me."
I miss Isaac. I miss having someone. I'm lonely.
QE
"You have been the one. You have been the one for me."
I miss Isaac. I miss having someone. I'm lonely.
QE
Depression me now!
There were 2 things that made my therapist think that maybe, just maybe, I have a slight case of depression. Oh, sorry, Depression, with a capital "d."
1. I don't know if I ever remember being really happy. There is always a part of me that is outside of a situation, an experience, thinking, thinking thinking. That voice going, "Hmmm, am I really comfortable right now? Not really." Or, "Yeah, so that joke is hilarious... But what, really, is the meaning of life anyway? How can I laugh when I don't even know if there is any meaning to anything?"
2. I can't imagine ever!!!! truly being happy. I can't imagine that such a thing could actually ever exist. The idea boggles my mind. I am scared to hope for it since I don't see how it's possible that it even exists.
So she told me she wants me to see a psychiatrist so he can diagnose me, or not. After she said that, I needed to decide if I want to do that or not.
The question is, is it good to be labeled? Is it good to be diagnosed? Are these diagnoses helpful, truthful, useful? Are they possibly detrimental? Maybe knowledge is power and knowing you are prone to depression helps you understand yourself more. Maybe it helps you identify when it's your "depressed voice" speaking.
Maybe, on the other hand, it could be detrimental. You have an "excuse" to be a certain way. And since we're talking about a biochemical imbalance here, there's not much you can do! You're screwed! You're doomed. You will probably be offered meds which either you take and become dependent on (and that in itself is a whole other story) or you don't take them but you know that there is this constant imbalance...
...supposedly...
Maybe this conventional stuff is too into deciding exactly what supposed disease you have, put you on meds that will supposedly make you all better, without actually paying attention to the whole picture. Maybe it makes a hell of a lot of sense to feel down all the time because you've been spending years and years trying to live this screwed up, unhealthy way, which was the way you believed you were supposed to live and if that was the way to live, then it makes sense that in your mind you couldn't see how it could ever be that you would be truly happy!
Maybe you never felt truly happy because you were too busy trying to fill the roles you thought you needed to fill!
Anyway, as my friend so eloquently said, "SCREW THE GIRDLE!!!!!!"
QE
1. I don't know if I ever remember being really happy. There is always a part of me that is outside of a situation, an experience, thinking, thinking thinking. That voice going, "Hmmm, am I really comfortable right now? Not really." Or, "Yeah, so that joke is hilarious... But what, really, is the meaning of life anyway? How can I laugh when I don't even know if there is any meaning to anything?"
2. I can't imagine ever!!!! truly being happy. I can't imagine that such a thing could actually ever exist. The idea boggles my mind. I am scared to hope for it since I don't see how it's possible that it even exists.
So she told me she wants me to see a psychiatrist so he can diagnose me, or not. After she said that, I needed to decide if I want to do that or not.
The question is, is it good to be labeled? Is it good to be diagnosed? Are these diagnoses helpful, truthful, useful? Are they possibly detrimental? Maybe knowledge is power and knowing you are prone to depression helps you understand yourself more. Maybe it helps you identify when it's your "depressed voice" speaking.
Maybe, on the other hand, it could be detrimental. You have an "excuse" to be a certain way. And since we're talking about a biochemical imbalance here, there's not much you can do! You're screwed! You're doomed. You will probably be offered meds which either you take and become dependent on (and that in itself is a whole other story) or you don't take them but you know that there is this constant imbalance...
...supposedly...
Maybe this conventional stuff is too into deciding exactly what supposed disease you have, put you on meds that will supposedly make you all better, without actually paying attention to the whole picture. Maybe it makes a hell of a lot of sense to feel down all the time because you've been spending years and years trying to live this screwed up, unhealthy way, which was the way you believed you were supposed to live and if that was the way to live, then it makes sense that in your mind you couldn't see how it could ever be that you would be truly happy!
Maybe you never felt truly happy because you were too busy trying to fill the roles you thought you needed to fill!
Anyway, as my friend so eloquently said, "SCREW THE GIRDLE!!!!!!"
QE
Dear Isaac,
I miss you. Today a girl with whom I'm friendly asked me if it didn't work out between us because of sex. I asked her what she meant and she said that maybe it didn't work out because you wanted to have sex and I didn't.
Oh, how wrong that is. Well, I know you probably want to have sex (you said some things hinting strongly towards that) but you were so understanding and gentle regarding touch. You didn't want to do something unless I wanted it too. You understood that I needed to be slow, very, very slow.
For me, holding your hand was a big deal. That made it a big deal for you too. You understood that if it was a big deal for me to be holding your hand, you should appreciate that act. And you did.
How sweet of you. It makes me want to give you a hug, a kiss on your cheek and to call you, "chamud." (that means cute/sweet in Hebrew).
I only begin to understand how special you are for this (besides everything else). You're so funny because you used to remind me of this. You'd say, "You know, I'm not a typical secular guy. A typical secular guy would not necessarily be so accepting and understanding the way I am." You wanted to make sure I got it (I find that so sweet).
I get it. I'm scared I'll never again find someone who is as cool as you. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just end you with you, at a different time and a different place in both of our lives. A time and place when the potential can come to be.
QE
Oh, how wrong that is. Well, I know you probably want to have sex (you said some things hinting strongly towards that) but you were so understanding and gentle regarding touch. You didn't want to do something unless I wanted it too. You understood that I needed to be slow, very, very slow.
For me, holding your hand was a big deal. That made it a big deal for you too. You understood that if it was a big deal for me to be holding your hand, you should appreciate that act. And you did.
How sweet of you. It makes me want to give you a hug, a kiss on your cheek and to call you, "chamud." (that means cute/sweet in Hebrew).
I only begin to understand how special you are for this (besides everything else). You're so funny because you used to remind me of this. You'd say, "You know, I'm not a typical secular guy. A typical secular guy would not necessarily be so accepting and understanding the way I am." You wanted to make sure I got it (I find that so sweet).
I get it. I'm scared I'll never again find someone who is as cool as you. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just end you with you, at a different time and a different place in both of our lives. A time and place when the potential can come to be.
QE
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Depression?
Today my therapist told me, because of different things I said, that she's worried I might have a slight case of Clinical Depression.
LABEL ME NOW OR DIE!!!
Give me the label. Give me the meds. And I'll be on my way.
I have more to write but I can't continue at this moment.
Stay tuned!
QE
LABEL ME NOW OR DIE!!!
Give me the label. Give me the meds. And I'll be on my way.
I have more to write but I can't continue at this moment.
Stay tuned!
QE
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Religions are like (fad) diets
Here is my latest insight which, in my opinion, is ingenious. : )
A diet is often, or even usually, a way of eating in order to reach a certain goal, that one person or a (small?) group of people tried. If it "succeeded" (whatever that means), they try to project the outcome on the rest of the society/world/humanity.
OK, so small amount of people try 1 thing. When they decide it's good for themselves, they decide it must be good for everyone, or almost everyone, and so they "sell" it to everyone, or almost everyone.
In turn, when people hear about the "success" of this specific diet, they decide it's worth a try or maybe, even, that finally their savior is here, and they try the diet themselves.
And religion? Well, I'm guessing that most religions are the same. How many people are truly connecting to a deeper truth, as much as is possible for them, through the religious rituals they are doing?
I think most religions are ways of being that someone/a group of people came up with for themselves and when they were at least somewhat "successful" in whichever way they hoped, it sold to others.
So, for example, someone, somewhere worked fervently to come up with these new ways of being Jewish. Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist... But the people that join afterwards aren't necessarily getting close to what they need to get while practicing within the structure that was built.
A religion is successful, in my opinion, when people practicing it feel they are given as good tools as possible in order to connect in their way and as deeply as they personal can, to as deep a truth possible.
And diets? Well, screw them. They are crap. They don't work and they are a waste of energy, happiness, money and anything else that goes into a diet. People end up more miserable, more unhealthy and with a deeper sense of self-hate than they would if they never stepped into a diet to begin with.
QE
A diet is often, or even usually, a way of eating in order to reach a certain goal, that one person or a (small?) group of people tried. If it "succeeded" (whatever that means), they try to project the outcome on the rest of the society/world/humanity.
OK, so small amount of people try 1 thing. When they decide it's good for themselves, they decide it must be good for everyone, or almost everyone, and so they "sell" it to everyone, or almost everyone.
In turn, when people hear about the "success" of this specific diet, they decide it's worth a try or maybe, even, that finally their savior is here, and they try the diet themselves.
And religion? Well, I'm guessing that most religions are the same. How many people are truly connecting to a deeper truth, as much as is possible for them, through the religious rituals they are doing?
I think most religions are ways of being that someone/a group of people came up with for themselves and when they were at least somewhat "successful" in whichever way they hoped, it sold to others.
So, for example, someone, somewhere worked fervently to come up with these new ways of being Jewish. Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist... But the people that join afterwards aren't necessarily getting close to what they need to get while practicing within the structure that was built.
A religion is successful, in my opinion, when people practicing it feel they are given as good tools as possible in order to connect in their way and as deeply as they personal can, to as deep a truth possible.
And diets? Well, screw them. They are crap. They don't work and they are a waste of energy, happiness, money and anything else that goes into a diet. People end up more miserable, more unhealthy and with a deeper sense of self-hate than they would if they never stepped into a diet to begin with.
QE
I'm so lonely, so empty
I feel so alone. So sad. And I don't know what to do about it.
I'm not alone. I have my family. I have friends.
But I am alone. I am so alone. So lonely...
I am like this empty container. Full of a vacuum. It pulls towards it anything and everything. I hunger to talk to people. To communicate. To connect.
But I'm in a different place than I used to me. That really used to be how I was. Now, I have that part of me but another part is antisocial. Doesn't want to connect. Fears connecting.
I pull with one arm and push away with my other.
I used to get so excited about making a new friend with someone who I really liked right when I met them. Now, I remind myself that so often, shortly after connecting with those people, I got sick of them. I got annoyed with them. I didn't want to be connected to them anymore.
So Deena, I say, slow down! Don't be in such a hurry to make a new connection.
So here I am, feeling so terribly alone.
QE
I'm not alone. I have my family. I have friends.
But I am alone. I am so alone. So lonely...
I am like this empty container. Full of a vacuum. It pulls towards it anything and everything. I hunger to talk to people. To communicate. To connect.
But I'm in a different place than I used to me. That really used to be how I was. Now, I have that part of me but another part is antisocial. Doesn't want to connect. Fears connecting.
I pull with one arm and push away with my other.
I used to get so excited about making a new friend with someone who I really liked right when I met them. Now, I remind myself that so often, shortly after connecting with those people, I got sick of them. I got annoyed with them. I didn't want to be connected to them anymore.
So Deena, I say, slow down! Don't be in such a hurry to make a new connection.
So here I am, feeling so terribly alone.
QE
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I am so defensive about others' ideas and opinions
Oh wow!!! As I was logging into blogger, thinking about the title of this posting, I got an epiphany. I was thinking about my defensiveness and wondering why I'm like that. Why can't I listen to other people's opinions without feeling uncomfortable and feeling the need to argue? Why is it that when I'm talking to someone, I'm so nervous? I feel like I really, really, really need to get my point across. I'm worried I won't. I'm worried the person won't get it...
Why?! Why am I so stressed out about all of this?
Remember I've been writing about feeling very unsure of myself? Feeling uncomfortable with who I am, etc. So, because of that, I am always worried that what someone else will say or what they believe, is going to question my being. It's like, can Esther's being survive an argument? Will she feel whole at the end or that part of her was bitten of and chewed?
Besides the negative aspect, of my being being questioned when I interact with other people, I am also always desperately looking for something that will affirm my being. If he says this, I'm OK. It means I am good. If he says that, I know I can continue on my way. But if he says this and that and that, I'm in big trouble!!!
It goes back to the idea that I don't feel like I have a core inside of me. That pillar that even after a tornado, it's still there, standing. I want my pillar!!!
I WANT MY PILLAR!
QE
Why?! Why am I so stressed out about all of this?
Remember I've been writing about feeling very unsure of myself? Feeling uncomfortable with who I am, etc. So, because of that, I am always worried that what someone else will say or what they believe, is going to question my being. It's like, can Esther's being survive an argument? Will she feel whole at the end or that part of her was bitten of and chewed?
Besides the negative aspect, of my being being questioned when I interact with other people, I am also always desperately looking for something that will affirm my being. If he says this, I'm OK. It means I am good. If he says that, I know I can continue on my way. But if he says this and that and that, I'm in big trouble!!!
It goes back to the idea that I don't feel like I have a core inside of me. That pillar that even after a tornado, it's still there, standing. I want my pillar!!!
I WANT MY PILLAR!
QE
I feel so empty
I am always searching, searching, searching... For that thing that really will fill me up. Where is it? What is it? I check my email, seriously, I have no idea how many times a day. Even now that I know (well, you never really know) that Isaac isn't going to be writing me, I still am hoping for that salvation from somewhere. And what better place to hope for it from than email? Than internet?
I used to be on these dating website and then I could always hope to have a message from a guy from the site. But I deleted my profiles because I realized how unhealthy it had gotten for me. I was using it in an addictive kind of way.
All these external things, through which I try to fill myself. It's so futile.
Being with Isaac felt like a more real way to fill myself than other ways. His appreciation of me. His affection towards me. The soooo nice things he said to me. They filled me up. They were like fuel in a car. I felt the energy it gave me. It was so wonderful... Don't get me wrong. It's not as if the whole relationship was wonderful. We had lots of problems and it makes sense we stopped dating. But God is it sad. God is it hard. It was so nice being appreciated.
He said these things to me that I could feel physically when he said them. I loved it.
But all of this is external. I believe we need people. We need each other. A major part of living is needing and giving to each other. But we must know how to build strength from within. We should not be totally dependent on others. We should have a strong core that keeps us standing strong.
I don't have that. I feel like I have nothing inside. I don't know what it is that keeps me going. But it's not very strong. Maybe it's a hope, a dream. But I don't own a strong sense of self. I suppose that what I own is a strong will to find and acquire my strong sense of self.
This excitement I feel when I write that is so backward. OK, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's not so backward.
I have this hope that I'll work on myself and Isaac will work on himself, and then, when we meet up again after a certain amount of time, we will both be in much better places, in which, we can build a wonderful, healthy relationship.
Why is this dream backwards? Because what I should be hoping for is a strong sense of self and self worth and that I should find a place in which I will be happy. I cannot know if this place will be a good one with which to build a relationship with Isaac. So that should not be my focus. See, I still have him in my mind and heart so that I feel like my decisions are somewhat affected by him.
I feel bound to him by my hair. He has told me he doesn't want me to cut my hair because he loves it how it is. I wasn't necessarily gonna cut my hair but now I feel like I don't really want to because "when" we get back together, I want him to be attracted to me. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I specifically should cut my hair in order to free myself from him.
It feels so screwed up but this is my being bound.
Also, with my religious journey, on the one hand I want to end up in a place that could work with Isaac, on the other hand I don't want these decisions, which are some of the most important in my life, should be affected by something external.
What in the world is my point? I'm not sure anymore. I know this post started off being about emptiness. I'm sure there is a connection here but now I'm too tired to figure this out.
QE
I used to be on these dating website and then I could always hope to have a message from a guy from the site. But I deleted my profiles because I realized how unhealthy it had gotten for me. I was using it in an addictive kind of way.
All these external things, through which I try to fill myself. It's so futile.
Being with Isaac felt like a more real way to fill myself than other ways. His appreciation of me. His affection towards me. The soooo nice things he said to me. They filled me up. They were like fuel in a car. I felt the energy it gave me. It was so wonderful... Don't get me wrong. It's not as if the whole relationship was wonderful. We had lots of problems and it makes sense we stopped dating. But God is it sad. God is it hard. It was so nice being appreciated.
He said these things to me that I could feel physically when he said them. I loved it.
But all of this is external. I believe we need people. We need each other. A major part of living is needing and giving to each other. But we must know how to build strength from within. We should not be totally dependent on others. We should have a strong core that keeps us standing strong.
I don't have that. I feel like I have nothing inside. I don't know what it is that keeps me going. But it's not very strong. Maybe it's a hope, a dream. But I don't own a strong sense of self. I suppose that what I own is a strong will to find and acquire my strong sense of self.
This excitement I feel when I write that is so backward. OK, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's not so backward.
I have this hope that I'll work on myself and Isaac will work on himself, and then, when we meet up again after a certain amount of time, we will both be in much better places, in which, we can build a wonderful, healthy relationship.
Why is this dream backwards? Because what I should be hoping for is a strong sense of self and self worth and that I should find a place in which I will be happy. I cannot know if this place will be a good one with which to build a relationship with Isaac. So that should not be my focus. See, I still have him in my mind and heart so that I feel like my decisions are somewhat affected by him.
I feel bound to him by my hair. He has told me he doesn't want me to cut my hair because he loves it how it is. I wasn't necessarily gonna cut my hair but now I feel like I don't really want to because "when" we get back together, I want him to be attracted to me. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I specifically should cut my hair in order to free myself from him.
It feels so screwed up but this is my being bound.
Also, with my religious journey, on the one hand I want to end up in a place that could work with Isaac, on the other hand I don't want these decisions, which are some of the most important in my life, should be affected by something external.
What in the world is my point? I'm not sure anymore. I know this post started off being about emptiness. I'm sure there is a connection here but now I'm too tired to figure this out.
QE
Am I OK? A poem by Me
AM I OK???
Am I OK?
What do you think of me?
Am I satisfactory?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Do you like me?
Am I fulfilling my role?
As you would like of me?
Am I OK?
What am I supposed to be doing?
How am I supposed to be acting?
When you show satisfaction,
Then do I know I'm OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
What do you think of me?
Am I satisfactory?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Do you like me?
Am I fulfilling my role?
As you would like of me?
Am I OK?
What am I supposed to be doing?
How am I supposed to be acting?
When you show satisfaction,
Then do I know I'm OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
I am uncomfortable in my own skin
I am so self conscious. Probably on every level.
I feel very uncomfortable in my body. That happens in 2 ways. Firstly, I actually physically feel uncomfortable. Lots of pains and other uncomfortable feelings.
Secondly, I don't love my body. I try to appreciate that it gets me places, but it's so not the "ideal" body and I feel it's almost impossible to come to terms with that. It's so hard to say, "My body has this extra flab, not such beautiful legs, a crooked back (I have scoliosis), I sweat too much, I have dandruff............................. and that is all good. I still have a beautiful body to be cherished and loved. Still, someone is going to think I'm totally the sexiest thing to him."
I just don't believe that. I always have this wish of changing things about my body.
For the record, obviously I think this is an unhealthy attitude (that of, when I change, then I'll be happy) and I want to work on that. I'm just sharing this aspect of me.
Besides physically feeling uncomfortable, I also feel uncomfortable in many, or most, other ways. How can I explain it? I'm always a nervous wreck about filling my proper positions in different situations and ways. Acting the right way, saying the right things... I stress out about if I'm OK. I'm always wondering if I'm OK. What do people think of me?
AM I OK???
Am I OK?
What do you think of me?
Am I satisfactory?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Do you like me?
Am I fulfilling my role?
As you would like of me?
Am I OK?
What am I supposed to be doing?
How am I supposed to be acting?
When you show satisfaction,
Then do I know I'm OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
That is what I have to say about feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I am also going to copy this poem into a new posting since I think it deserves its own posting.
QE
I feel very uncomfortable in my body. That happens in 2 ways. Firstly, I actually physically feel uncomfortable. Lots of pains and other uncomfortable feelings.
Secondly, I don't love my body. I try to appreciate that it gets me places, but it's so not the "ideal" body and I feel it's almost impossible to come to terms with that. It's so hard to say, "My body has this extra flab, not such beautiful legs, a crooked back (I have scoliosis), I sweat too much, I have dandruff............................. and that is all good. I still have a beautiful body to be cherished and loved. Still, someone is going to think I'm totally the sexiest thing to him."
I just don't believe that. I always have this wish of changing things about my body.
For the record, obviously I think this is an unhealthy attitude (that of, when I change, then I'll be happy) and I want to work on that. I'm just sharing this aspect of me.
Besides physically feeling uncomfortable, I also feel uncomfortable in many, or most, other ways. How can I explain it? I'm always a nervous wreck about filling my proper positions in different situations and ways. Acting the right way, saying the right things... I stress out about if I'm OK. I'm always wondering if I'm OK. What do people think of me?
AM I OK???
Am I OK?
What do you think of me?
Am I satisfactory?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Do you like me?
Am I fulfilling my role?
As you would like of me?
Am I OK?
What am I supposed to be doing?
How am I supposed to be acting?
When you show satisfaction,
Then do I know I'm OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
Am I OK?
That is what I have to say about feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I am also going to copy this poem into a new posting since I think it deserves its own posting.
QE
I do bad things to myself
I eat too much. I'll just keep eating and eating because I don't have strength to deal with real life. Instead of feeling sad, scared, lonely, I eat and make sure to stay stuffed.
Today I went out to lunch with my friend. I ate my whole salad and a couple pieces of bread, even though I could feel it was too much for me. I should have eaten around half of that. Then I would have been satisfied but felt good. This way, I was too full and felt gross.
I took the leftovers home which was the pasta that was in the salad that I hadn't eaten only because I didn't feel like it. So I ate it very soon after I got home. I ate it when I was still very, very full from lunch. Then, within probably 1-2 hours, I ate again, on a very full stomach.
Oh, in the middle I also had 2 spoons of peanut butter and a cup of decaf coffee.
I feel like I'm reporting to a nutritionist. But the point isn't exactly what I ate but how I ate. In my opinion it's the how that is so important.
I once read that eating is you choosing life. I believe that depending on how you eat it is either a choice of life or death. There is a certain choice of death in eating how I so often eat.
I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely. I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe I just don't feel like dealing with it. I don't feel like I can deal with it. So I eat and eat and eat.
I am not overweight. See, it doesn't have to do with that either. That is one of the reasons that checking a person's body weight is so totally not enough information intake in order to assess a person's health. I am thin. I am around 5'4 and I weigh around 58 kg. But I am not healthy. I often feel gross. I feel gross because I put too much food in my body and it takes hours, often over night or longer, for my poor body to deal with it. Also, often when I eat too much, I get dehydrated. For some reason I feel it in my feet. They are achy. But my stomach is too full so I can't drink that much in order to make up for it. I'll pee and it sort of hurts. That happens when I'm dehydrated. But it takes me a while to fix that because my stomach is too full.
I feel I could go on and on about this. It's so ridiculous because I have a friend who is convinced I'm this perfect eater. It's so crazy. She's struggled with different bad eating habits pretty much her whole life. It annoys me that just because I've been thin my whole life, and I don't know why else but she must know, she sees me as this great, healthy eater. Pretty annoying.
Anyway, so I do bad things to myself. There are other bad things I do to myself. Like eating, it's a lot of the regular things, that so many people in our society do. Why we do it is the big question and the big question after that is, how do we work on stopping it. We want to, but we can't. Why?
QE
Today I went out to lunch with my friend. I ate my whole salad and a couple pieces of bread, even though I could feel it was too much for me. I should have eaten around half of that. Then I would have been satisfied but felt good. This way, I was too full and felt gross.
I took the leftovers home which was the pasta that was in the salad that I hadn't eaten only because I didn't feel like it. So I ate it very soon after I got home. I ate it when I was still very, very full from lunch. Then, within probably 1-2 hours, I ate again, on a very full stomach.
Oh, in the middle I also had 2 spoons of peanut butter and a cup of decaf coffee.
I feel like I'm reporting to a nutritionist. But the point isn't exactly what I ate but how I ate. In my opinion it's the how that is so important.
I once read that eating is you choosing life. I believe that depending on how you eat it is either a choice of life or death. There is a certain choice of death in eating how I so often eat.
I am tired. I am sad. I am lonely. I don't know how to deal with it. Maybe I just don't feel like dealing with it. I don't feel like I can deal with it. So I eat and eat and eat.
I am not overweight. See, it doesn't have to do with that either. That is one of the reasons that checking a person's body weight is so totally not enough information intake in order to assess a person's health. I am thin. I am around 5'4 and I weigh around 58 kg. But I am not healthy. I often feel gross. I feel gross because I put too much food in my body and it takes hours, often over night or longer, for my poor body to deal with it. Also, often when I eat too much, I get dehydrated. For some reason I feel it in my feet. They are achy. But my stomach is too full so I can't drink that much in order to make up for it. I'll pee and it sort of hurts. That happens when I'm dehydrated. But it takes me a while to fix that because my stomach is too full.
I feel I could go on and on about this. It's so ridiculous because I have a friend who is convinced I'm this perfect eater. It's so crazy. She's struggled with different bad eating habits pretty much her whole life. It annoys me that just because I've been thin my whole life, and I don't know why else but she must know, she sees me as this great, healthy eater. Pretty annoying.
Anyway, so I do bad things to myself. There are other bad things I do to myself. Like eating, it's a lot of the regular things, that so many people in our society do. Why we do it is the big question and the big question after that is, how do we work on stopping it. We want to, but we can't. Why?
QE
So, who am I? Focusing on the tools
Lets say you're sent on a mysterious mission. You don't know what you are supposed to do on this mission. The only clues you have are the tools which you were given at the beginning. How are you going to figure out what you are supposed to be doing? You will study, focus and meditate on the tools. Try to understand them the best you can, and through that try to figure out what you are supposed to be accomplishing.
My being and everything it includes, is my tool box. I am given so many tools. Probably thousands. Some are "positive" while others are "negative." In order for me to figure out what I'm supposed to do, I need to really get to know the tools. Get to know myself.
Who am I? It is one of the biggest questions I have and I look forward to working towards an answer.
QE
My being and everything it includes, is my tool box. I am given so many tools. Probably thousands. Some are "positive" while others are "negative." In order for me to figure out what I'm supposed to do, I need to really get to know the tools. Get to know myself.
Who am I? It is one of the biggest questions I have and I look forward to working towards an answer.
QE
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Things changing
Things are changing so quickly. Yesterday I went with 2 friends to the beach. We took our instruments and sat on the rocks, as the waves hit up against them, playing music together.
I started out sad and probably gradually got sadder and sadder as the day went on. I knew that Isaac was going to be writing me an email that I'd probably receive upon my return home. And I knew that the moment was coming when we would finally say that we can no long email each other because it wasn't good for us.
I was already so sad as my friend and I sat on the train, on the way back to Jerusalem. When I got home, I read the email from Isaac. He told me one more thing he found fascinating about me and told me he didn't think we should keep in touch anymore because it was keeping both of us stuck. As I wrote him back, I was so sad, I cried. The fascinating thing he'd thought of, about me, was the fact that I have two opposites to me. One is so scared and sad that he wants to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright and the other is so brave and strong that he just wants to hug me and for me to tell him that everything is going to be alright.
Only Isaac could see something like that. In my email back to him, I told him he was right, we need to discontinue emailing and that I needed someone desperately to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I told him I was crying. I told him that he shouldn't answer my email cause someone needs not to answer.
He wrote back that he wasn't able to be the one who doesn't answer. So I told him to write me one more time and I wouldn't answer him. We decided I'd be in touch with him about any tax things that came up - and I know that's going to happen because we're in the middle of something little - and then we'd also ask each other how we're doing. Also, I told him that I'd let him know when I'm leaving.
Yes, I'm leaving. So it seems. I am booked on a flight to Canada for around 3 weeks from now. I think I'm actually going to get away for a while. As I think I mentioned, I dream of going away and that when I return I'll have changed and he'll have changed and then we'll be perfect together.
That idea actually scared me because this whole journey I'm not is fueled by my want to find truth and I hope I don't end up making decisions with Isaac in mind. I want to do what feels most true to me.
It's hard. All of this is hard. So many big things happening. But I hope it's all worth it. If I don't end up with Isaac, I'll end up with someone who is even better for me. I will hopefully find a way to live a happier life than I have been doing till now.
QE
I started out sad and probably gradually got sadder and sadder as the day went on. I knew that Isaac was going to be writing me an email that I'd probably receive upon my return home. And I knew that the moment was coming when we would finally say that we can no long email each other because it wasn't good for us.
I was already so sad as my friend and I sat on the train, on the way back to Jerusalem. When I got home, I read the email from Isaac. He told me one more thing he found fascinating about me and told me he didn't think we should keep in touch anymore because it was keeping both of us stuck. As I wrote him back, I was so sad, I cried. The fascinating thing he'd thought of, about me, was the fact that I have two opposites to me. One is so scared and sad that he wants to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright and the other is so brave and strong that he just wants to hug me and for me to tell him that everything is going to be alright.
Only Isaac could see something like that. In my email back to him, I told him he was right, we need to discontinue emailing and that I needed someone desperately to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I told him I was crying. I told him that he shouldn't answer my email cause someone needs not to answer.
He wrote back that he wasn't able to be the one who doesn't answer. So I told him to write me one more time and I wouldn't answer him. We decided I'd be in touch with him about any tax things that came up - and I know that's going to happen because we're in the middle of something little - and then we'd also ask each other how we're doing. Also, I told him that I'd let him know when I'm leaving.
Yes, I'm leaving. So it seems. I am booked on a flight to Canada for around 3 weeks from now. I think I'm actually going to get away for a while. As I think I mentioned, I dream of going away and that when I return I'll have changed and he'll have changed and then we'll be perfect together.
That idea actually scared me because this whole journey I'm not is fueled by my want to find truth and I hope I don't end up making decisions with Isaac in mind. I want to do what feels most true to me.
It's hard. All of this is hard. So many big things happening. But I hope it's all worth it. If I don't end up with Isaac, I'll end up with someone who is even better for me. I will hopefully find a way to live a happier life than I have been doing till now.
QE
Sunday, April 16, 2006
2 things I wanna say to Isaac but I won't
There are 2 more things I'd want to say to Isaac but I'm not going to because I feel like it's not so much my place to be in touch with him more. : (
One is about the fact that I do see that it's important that he works on regaining his self confidence because only if he really likes himself again, will he be able to like someone else and let someone else like him.
The other thing I want to tell him is the story about my grandmother remarrying because it is a very hopeful story of life.
QE
One is about the fact that I do see that it's important that he works on regaining his self confidence because only if he really likes himself again, will he be able to like someone else and let someone else like him.
The other thing I want to tell him is the story about my grandmother remarrying because it is a very hopeful story of life.
QE
He makes me feel so good
That title just made me think of the song, "You make me feel like a natural woman."
He wrote me such a nice email this morning. He's so amazing. He said that he thought it would be years before he could open up to another woman after being hurt so badly by his girlfriend of 7 years. He is so happy to see that he was already able to open up. And he said he never could have opened up to anyone but me. Little, ol' Me. God, it just makes me feel so good about myself. That such a special person needed specifically Me to help him. That I am the one that was able to make such a big and positive impact on his life. In such a serious way because he is so terribly hurt.
He wrote twice about falling in love with me. Once he said that he was seconds from actually falling in love with me.
The other thing was really cute. See, we had this thing that I was always changing my email signature. And I was using an email address that I don't use with most people so really, whenever I changed the signature, it was for him more than anything. And it was always connected to what we were going through. It was one of our private jokes.
Anyway, I just changed it again (to, "Be brave. It's better than you think") and I asked him what he thought of it. He said that he liked the 1st one the most ("What's real?") because it reminds him of how everything started. Because it all started by him asking me what I meant by my signature. Then he wrote me a poem back called, "What's real" and he wrote how he felt about me. And also, it still is the big question I'm asking myself.
But then he said he had an idea for a signature for me but he was pretty sure I wouldn't be willing to use it:
"Don't look into Esther's eyes because if you do, you'll fall in love with her. How can you not?"
I wrote back that not everyone feels they're gonna fall in love with me by looking into my eyes. That not everyone was like him.
I'm feeding off of what I have left of him. Part of me is scared to do that because I'm worried I'm idealizing something that afterwards maybe I'll dream about when in reality, it may never happen again. As I said before, we both dream of having a 2nd chance together when things have more of a chance. But maybe that will never happen. Maybe he'll meet someone before that and I'll be a little, or a lot, hurt. Because I don't want him to be seconds from falling in love with someone else. I feel like that takes away from what we had/have.
It reminds me of my grandmother. She and my grandfather were married happily for around 36 years. They were very in love. They practically had love at 1st sight. When he passed away, my grandmother didn't want to live anymore. She was so heart broken. But she actually remarried around 1 year later. It's hard to imagine. Living 36 years with one man who you love and then only 1 year later, living with a new man.
But my grandmother has so much love in her. Love to give. Love to get. She needed someone to be with. And she ended up being very much in love with her 2nd husband too. Actually, the beginning of the marriage didn't go so well and they almost got divorced. But something changed (my grandmother is one person from whom you can learn about working hard in a relationship), they didn't get divorced, and they lived together happily for over 10 years (I think, something like that).
Does that take away from the 36 years she had with my grandfather? I suppose not.
We're just so used to thinking that there is one person for each person and suddenly when you start mixing and matching, it's hard to understand it.
Anyway, so to get back to the wish. I wish that after we've had a few months away from each other, we will be in good places in order to work on a relationship. But that may never happen. For so many reasons. I would love to believe that the chances of it happening are high but what do I know. There are reasons I'd think the chances are high. But on the other hand, there are things that make me feel the chances are so low.
I can't get over his appreciation of me. I don't know if I've ever feel so appreciated. I know my mother appreciates me but I never felt appreciated like I did from him. With everything he was going through - the pain, etc. - he was able to see me in quite a real way. And it's an amazing feeling, being seen. Maybe if only for the fact that it makes you feel alive. And very important.
I'm telling you, if I'm as great as he says I am, I am seriously one very special person.
There are a couple of things I want to get out of my trip. I want to feel I have more direction of where I'm heading religiously and I want to know and like myself more.
Those are 2 very important things for myself and as a result, they are also integral in building a healthy relationship with someone else. If I know more who I am and what I need and hopefully if I like myself more, then there is something to work with.
QE
He wrote me such a nice email this morning. He's so amazing. He said that he thought it would be years before he could open up to another woman after being hurt so badly by his girlfriend of 7 years. He is so happy to see that he was already able to open up. And he said he never could have opened up to anyone but me. Little, ol' Me. God, it just makes me feel so good about myself. That such a special person needed specifically Me to help him. That I am the one that was able to make such a big and positive impact on his life. In such a serious way because he is so terribly hurt.
He wrote twice about falling in love with me. Once he said that he was seconds from actually falling in love with me.
The other thing was really cute. See, we had this thing that I was always changing my email signature. And I was using an email address that I don't use with most people so really, whenever I changed the signature, it was for him more than anything. And it was always connected to what we were going through. It was one of our private jokes.
Anyway, I just changed it again (to, "Be brave. It's better than you think") and I asked him what he thought of it. He said that he liked the 1st one the most ("What's real?") because it reminds him of how everything started. Because it all started by him asking me what I meant by my signature. Then he wrote me a poem back called, "What's real" and he wrote how he felt about me. And also, it still is the big question I'm asking myself.
But then he said he had an idea for a signature for me but he was pretty sure I wouldn't be willing to use it:
"Don't look into Esther's eyes because if you do, you'll fall in love with her. How can you not?"
I wrote back that not everyone feels they're gonna fall in love with me by looking into my eyes. That not everyone was like him.
I'm feeding off of what I have left of him. Part of me is scared to do that because I'm worried I'm idealizing something that afterwards maybe I'll dream about when in reality, it may never happen again. As I said before, we both dream of having a 2nd chance together when things have more of a chance. But maybe that will never happen. Maybe he'll meet someone before that and I'll be a little, or a lot, hurt. Because I don't want him to be seconds from falling in love with someone else. I feel like that takes away from what we had/have.
It reminds me of my grandmother. She and my grandfather were married happily for around 36 years. They were very in love. They practically had love at 1st sight. When he passed away, my grandmother didn't want to live anymore. She was so heart broken. But she actually remarried around 1 year later. It's hard to imagine. Living 36 years with one man who you love and then only 1 year later, living with a new man.
But my grandmother has so much love in her. Love to give. Love to get. She needed someone to be with. And she ended up being very much in love with her 2nd husband too. Actually, the beginning of the marriage didn't go so well and they almost got divorced. But something changed (my grandmother is one person from whom you can learn about working hard in a relationship), they didn't get divorced, and they lived together happily for over 10 years (I think, something like that).
Does that take away from the 36 years she had with my grandfather? I suppose not.
We're just so used to thinking that there is one person for each person and suddenly when you start mixing and matching, it's hard to understand it.
Anyway, so to get back to the wish. I wish that after we've had a few months away from each other, we will be in good places in order to work on a relationship. But that may never happen. For so many reasons. I would love to believe that the chances of it happening are high but what do I know. There are reasons I'd think the chances are high. But on the other hand, there are things that make me feel the chances are so low.
I can't get over his appreciation of me. I don't know if I've ever feel so appreciated. I know my mother appreciates me but I never felt appreciated like I did from him. With everything he was going through - the pain, etc. - he was able to see me in quite a real way. And it's an amazing feeling, being seen. Maybe if only for the fact that it makes you feel alive. And very important.
I'm telling you, if I'm as great as he says I am, I am seriously one very special person.
There are a couple of things I want to get out of my trip. I want to feel I have more direction of where I'm heading religiously and I want to know and like myself more.
Those are 2 very important things for myself and as a result, they are also integral in building a healthy relationship with someone else. If I know more who I am and what I need and hopefully if I like myself more, then there is something to work with.
QE
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Wow, life, oh life
I'm afraid of the park, 'specially when I'm in the park. When there's no one else around, oh I get the shivers. I don't wanna see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most. Rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news.
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life. Doo doo doo doo...
I love that song. I love songs that I love. It's one of the best things in life, hearing a song you love, especially on the radio because you don't actually expect to hear it.
Wow. So much is going on. And I feel bad because I don't always remember what I already wrote here in the blog and I'm always worried that either I'll repeat things - and that's annoying - or I'll leave important pieces of info out. So, please bear with me!
Since Isaac and I broke up, and I had that other guy who didn't want to go out with me because I'm not religious, I have had an extremely strong feeling that what I really need, really is to get away. I really do feel like I don't fit anywhere here. I feel like you've gotta fit somewhere here and the places into which you need to fit are much too defined. Maybe in generally but especially for me right now. I need to be able to "Just Be" for a while. I need to be away from everyone that I know. I really need to get away.
Since we broke up, we've been back in touch. We had to email about a tax issue that came up but then it turned personal. Yes, taxes-turned-personal. Too funny. And we've been emailing about a while bunch of things. Mostly serious stuff about our relationship and what happened and who felt what when and then a whole bunch of us showing our appreciation to each other.
It's been pretty intense emailing and it's been a little strange because it hasn't been in the realm of a "real" relationship. But it's OK. I'm feeling like the emailing is almost over. God, he's just such a sweety. He's so sensitive and kind. He has such a good heart. Such a good heart. He is really special.
He told me that he asked me out not long after I told him that I'm planning on traveling, because he figured he didn't have much to lose cause anyway I was leaving very soon. So, if it didn't work out, big deal cause we wouldn't see each other for a long time anyway.
Ha! He says he couldn't have imagined it would go so far. He was sure that after 1 or 2 dates I'd dump him and that would be it. Ha!
We both like each other and respect each other so much.
I told him I have this dream that I'll go away for a few months. He'll get stronger and happier and healthier (did I mention he's after a 7 year relationship and he's terribly hurt from it?) and I'll also have good and important experiences and I'll know more of who I am and what I want. Then, I'll come back to Jerusalem, we'll get together again and it will be really wonderful together. I said to him that I think that would be the most beautiful love story every.
So now I'm gonna try to go away. It's scary like you can't imagine, and it's only going to get scarier as the time draws nearer, but I'm feeling very strongly that it's what I need to do. And if you ask me why, I can tell you. For me that's really important, that I should be able to verbalize why I feel that I need to do something. You can't always but it's such a big, scary, decision, that when I wasn't able to tell you why I needed to go, I didn't really feel I had the strength to actually go through with it.
Of course I could totally write more but I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop for now.
QE
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life. Doo doo doo doo...
I love that song. I love songs that I love. It's one of the best things in life, hearing a song you love, especially on the radio because you don't actually expect to hear it.
Wow. So much is going on. And I feel bad because I don't always remember what I already wrote here in the blog and I'm always worried that either I'll repeat things - and that's annoying - or I'll leave important pieces of info out. So, please bear with me!
Since Isaac and I broke up, and I had that other guy who didn't want to go out with me because I'm not religious, I have had an extremely strong feeling that what I really need, really is to get away. I really do feel like I don't fit anywhere here. I feel like you've gotta fit somewhere here and the places into which you need to fit are much too defined. Maybe in generally but especially for me right now. I need to be able to "Just Be" for a while. I need to be away from everyone that I know. I really need to get away.
Since we broke up, we've been back in touch. We had to email about a tax issue that came up but then it turned personal. Yes, taxes-turned-personal. Too funny. And we've been emailing about a while bunch of things. Mostly serious stuff about our relationship and what happened and who felt what when and then a whole bunch of us showing our appreciation to each other.
It's been pretty intense emailing and it's been a little strange because it hasn't been in the realm of a "real" relationship. But it's OK. I'm feeling like the emailing is almost over. God, he's just such a sweety. He's so sensitive and kind. He has such a good heart. Such a good heart. He is really special.
He told me that he asked me out not long after I told him that I'm planning on traveling, because he figured he didn't have much to lose cause anyway I was leaving very soon. So, if it didn't work out, big deal cause we wouldn't see each other for a long time anyway.
Ha! He says he couldn't have imagined it would go so far. He was sure that after 1 or 2 dates I'd dump him and that would be it. Ha!
We both like each other and respect each other so much.
I told him I have this dream that I'll go away for a few months. He'll get stronger and happier and healthier (did I mention he's after a 7 year relationship and he's terribly hurt from it?) and I'll also have good and important experiences and I'll know more of who I am and what I want. Then, I'll come back to Jerusalem, we'll get together again and it will be really wonderful together. I said to him that I think that would be the most beautiful love story every.
So now I'm gonna try to go away. It's scary like you can't imagine, and it's only going to get scarier as the time draws nearer, but I'm feeling very strongly that it's what I need to do. And if you ask me why, I can tell you. For me that's really important, that I should be able to verbalize why I feel that I need to do something. You can't always but it's such a big, scary, decision, that when I wasn't able to tell you why I needed to go, I didn't really feel I had the strength to actually go through with it.
Of course I could totally write more but I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop for now.
QE
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
So lonely continued
For me that poem has so much meaning because it's about holding onto things that you don't really have so they aren't really making you happy. Like, you can hold onto a relationship, a religion, or whatever, but if you don't really have it, it's fake and it will not be able to make you truly happy.
That was the story of my life. Holding onto all these things for dear life. I never wanted to give them up. The most significant thing I was holding onto was my religion. It took me so many years to come to the conclusion - or maybe just to admit to myself - that I don't have it. I need to stop trying so desperately to have it. As terrifying as it is, I need to let go (of what I don't have anyway) and let myself fall. To where? How? I have no idea! As my very smart friend said yesterday, you can't really plan out a free-fall that well. Then it won't be a free fall.
So I'm freeeeeeeeee
Free falling
(that's the song, feel free to sing)
It's so scary, over and over again. It's like a nightmare where over and over again you keep realizing the reality of the nightmare. It's like:
"Oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing with my life...
"Oh my God, I have no idea what's going to happen...
"Oh God!!! What in the world am I doing?
"Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's an example of what I'm going through on a regular basis.
And people wonder what's making me a little difficult. That I'm not so with it. I can't help so much. I have a hard time getting myself to do anything that's a little bit difficult for me.
Truth be told, I've always been like that. But ridiculously, I thought that now that I don't have any work, I'd be more available to help my mom. But instead I spend hours writing emails to that boy I liked so much, and then when that's not "allowed," I'm writing in this blog.
I'm feeling useless. And it's funny because I'm not totally useless. I do volunteer. I have strength to get together with friends. Last night I cleaned the kitchen from supper. I'm 100% sure I'm not actually depressed because I'm active. Just that it's often in a useless way for my mom.
I'm so scared. I'm so scared it can be paralyzing.
I'm so sad. I'm so sad it can overcome me as physically as a wave.
I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely I could cry.
I'm so alone. I'm so alone I could die.
Where is my hope supposed to come from? Where?! In the fact that for the 1st time in my life I'm admitting things to myself? In the fact that it's the 1st time I'm taking steps that actually will allow any chance of being happier?
But right now my decisions are making me terribly sad. Terribly alone.
I just wrote (around 2 hours ago) a letter to Isaac about how important our relationship was for me. I felt so much potential there for a bit. It was unreal. It was so exciting. I was also freaked out and terrified but I was also able to enjoy it. At least sometimes... And now that's over too. And I know it was the right decision but it's so sad.
The craziest thing happened to me. Isaac and I finished saying goodbye. We gave each other a long, hard, heart-felt hug. It was so nice to hug him. And then we said goodbye and I got out of the car.
I took 2 steps and took out my cell phone. I saw that it was vibrating. I was getting a phone call from someone who I knew 100% was calling to set me up with a guy. She'd tried setting us up earlier and we were both interested but then for different reasons, it didn't work out then. So, now she was calling (as I stepped out of Isaac's car) to let me know that he was available and wanted to give me a call.
For the 1st time ever, I think, I needed to tell someone outside of the family, that I'm not really religious anymore. I could have not said anything because I wanted to go out with him but I'm sick of pretending. As much as I feel is lost by telling the truth, sometimes. By trying to be as real as possible, it's as if I feel I have no other choice.
So, I called her the next day (I didn't answer right then because I wasn't up to talking and I didn't know what to tell her). I had decided I'd be able to go out with him even though I'd just finished with Isaac because I felt OK about it. But I told her that I wasn't really religious anymore. She asked me about Shabbat and Kashrut (keeping Kosher) and I said those were slowly going too.
I got off the phone and just felt like crying. This totally nice, cool boy isn't going to wanna go out with me now! What am I doing?!
Turns out he did think about it a bit but he concluded he didn't want to go out with me if I'm not religious.
So then I was thinking, why in the world did I get that call right as I got out of the car with Isaac? And then I realized... Isaac symbolizes, for me, the secular world. He actually scared me off of it and made me feel like I'd prefer not to be a part of it.
This other guy symbolizes for me the religious world.
And by a relationship not being able to work out in either worlds, I was hit hard with the fact that I don't fit in either. As far as I'm concerned, I really, truly don't fit anywhere.
I am officially a wandering (and wondering) Jew. I don't fit here.
Then I realized that the idea of my going away for a while really might have sense in it after all.
I feel like Jo in Little Women. At one point (after Laurie asks to marry her and she says no) she cries to her mother that she doesn't feel like she fits anywhere and she wonders if she ever will. And they decide she needs to go away for a while. I can totally relate to the feelings she had at that point of, "Will I ever fit in anywhere?!"
I'm so hurting. I wish I could just hide somewhere till after the holiday.
QE
That was the story of my life. Holding onto all these things for dear life. I never wanted to give them up. The most significant thing I was holding onto was my religion. It took me so many years to come to the conclusion - or maybe just to admit to myself - that I don't have it. I need to stop trying so desperately to have it. As terrifying as it is, I need to let go (of what I don't have anyway) and let myself fall. To where? How? I have no idea! As my very smart friend said yesterday, you can't really plan out a free-fall that well. Then it won't be a free fall.
So I'm freeeeeeeeee
Free falling
(that's the song, feel free to sing)
It's so scary, over and over again. It's like a nightmare where over and over again you keep realizing the reality of the nightmare. It's like:
"Oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing with my life...
"Oh my God, I have no idea what's going to happen...
"Oh God!!! What in the world am I doing?
"Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's an example of what I'm going through on a regular basis.
And people wonder what's making me a little difficult. That I'm not so with it. I can't help so much. I have a hard time getting myself to do anything that's a little bit difficult for me.
Truth be told, I've always been like that. But ridiculously, I thought that now that I don't have any work, I'd be more available to help my mom. But instead I spend hours writing emails to that boy I liked so much, and then when that's not "allowed," I'm writing in this blog.
I'm feeling useless. And it's funny because I'm not totally useless. I do volunteer. I have strength to get together with friends. Last night I cleaned the kitchen from supper. I'm 100% sure I'm not actually depressed because I'm active. Just that it's often in a useless way for my mom.
I'm so scared. I'm so scared it can be paralyzing.
I'm so sad. I'm so sad it can overcome me as physically as a wave.
I'm so lonely. I'm so lonely I could cry.
I'm so alone. I'm so alone I could die.
Where is my hope supposed to come from? Where?! In the fact that for the 1st time in my life I'm admitting things to myself? In the fact that it's the 1st time I'm taking steps that actually will allow any chance of being happier?
But right now my decisions are making me terribly sad. Terribly alone.
I just wrote (around 2 hours ago) a letter to Isaac about how important our relationship was for me. I felt so much potential there for a bit. It was unreal. It was so exciting. I was also freaked out and terrified but I was also able to enjoy it. At least sometimes... And now that's over too. And I know it was the right decision but it's so sad.
The craziest thing happened to me. Isaac and I finished saying goodbye. We gave each other a long, hard, heart-felt hug. It was so nice to hug him. And then we said goodbye and I got out of the car.
I took 2 steps and took out my cell phone. I saw that it was vibrating. I was getting a phone call from someone who I knew 100% was calling to set me up with a guy. She'd tried setting us up earlier and we were both interested but then for different reasons, it didn't work out then. So, now she was calling (as I stepped out of Isaac's car) to let me know that he was available and wanted to give me a call.
For the 1st time ever, I think, I needed to tell someone outside of the family, that I'm not really religious anymore. I could have not said anything because I wanted to go out with him but I'm sick of pretending. As much as I feel is lost by telling the truth, sometimes. By trying to be as real as possible, it's as if I feel I have no other choice.
So, I called her the next day (I didn't answer right then because I wasn't up to talking and I didn't know what to tell her). I had decided I'd be able to go out with him even though I'd just finished with Isaac because I felt OK about it. But I told her that I wasn't really religious anymore. She asked me about Shabbat and Kashrut (keeping Kosher) and I said those were slowly going too.
I got off the phone and just felt like crying. This totally nice, cool boy isn't going to wanna go out with me now! What am I doing?!
Turns out he did think about it a bit but he concluded he didn't want to go out with me if I'm not religious.
So then I was thinking, why in the world did I get that call right as I got out of the car with Isaac? And then I realized... Isaac symbolizes, for me, the secular world. He actually scared me off of it and made me feel like I'd prefer not to be a part of it.
This other guy symbolizes for me the religious world.
And by a relationship not being able to work out in either worlds, I was hit hard with the fact that I don't fit in either. As far as I'm concerned, I really, truly don't fit anywhere.
I am officially a wandering (and wondering) Jew. I don't fit here.
Then I realized that the idea of my going away for a while really might have sense in it after all.
I feel like Jo in Little Women. At one point (after Laurie asks to marry her and she says no) she cries to her mother that she doesn't feel like she fits anywhere and she wonders if she ever will. And they decide she needs to go away for a while. I can totally relate to the feelings she had at that point of, "Will I ever fit in anywhere?!"
I'm so hurting. I wish I could just hide somewhere till after the holiday.
QE
When it’s time to fall, fall
A poem by me.
Holding on to what you wish you had.
Only you know you haven’t got it.
With all your heart you know you haven’t got it.
But you sure as hell wish you did.
Because if you don’t,
well,
you’ll just have to let go,
And then you’ll fall…
From where?
To where?
Will it hurt?
Will you break?
Will you arise from the fall?
The unknown is terrifying… So terrifying, you are almost willing to hold on to that thing you don’t really have anyway, just not to fall.
But come on!
Do I really want to live a life of lies?
A life… that isn’t a life?
I don’t even know what life is but I sure don’t want to not know if I could know if only…
If only I let go and fall.
So lonely
I'm so goddamn lonely. Today I've been filling my loneliness with food. Lots of food. I end up eating till I feel so full that I can hardly move. Even lying down is uncomfortable at that point. I don't know if I've felt any hunger today. Because I was so sure to eat eat eat...
I feel horrible that I'm wrecking the holiday for those around me. It's hard not to. I need to make such a special effort to not say or do things that remind the people around me how unenthusiastic I am about the holiday. A big part of me wishes I could just hide in my room, or even better, somewhere far away from here, until it's over.
I remember when preparing for Pessach was fun and exciting. I remember sometimes, the night before Pessach, we would all stay up, almost all night, cooking for the seder and listening to music in the kitchen. We had so much fun those times! And now, for me, it's gone. It's this lovely dream to think about but it is accompanied by such sadness. The sadness I keep feeling when I'm reminded of what's lost.
Did I ever post a poem I wrote in August of 2005? Before I continue writing, I'm gonna end this post, post the poem on its own and then continue writing.
to be continued...
QE
I feel horrible that I'm wrecking the holiday for those around me. It's hard not to. I need to make such a special effort to not say or do things that remind the people around me how unenthusiastic I am about the holiday. A big part of me wishes I could just hide in my room, or even better, somewhere far away from here, until it's over.
I remember when preparing for Pessach was fun and exciting. I remember sometimes, the night before Pessach, we would all stay up, almost all night, cooking for the seder and listening to music in the kitchen. We had so much fun those times! And now, for me, it's gone. It's this lovely dream to think about but it is accompanied by such sadness. The sadness I keep feeling when I'm reminded of what's lost.
Did I ever post a poem I wrote in August of 2005? Before I continue writing, I'm gonna end this post, post the poem on its own and then continue writing.
to be continued...
QE
Monday, April 10, 2006
The sensitive hurt
Yesterday Isaac and I decided to discontinue seeing each other.
He's the guy with whom, until now, I've had the most intimate relationship. The most real relationship. Besides the fact that he's the 1st one who's hand I held (willingly) and who I hugged (fine, I've hugged a couple of other guys but not within a relationship, if you understand what I mean). I felt very strongly towards him. I felt a tremendous amount of potential between us. We are very alike. There was a connection on a few different levels. I was feeling a great amount of respect towards him. I thought he was the nicest guy I'd ever dated. I thought he was a good, straight forward, honest person. I thought he was really cute.
I really, really liked him.
And now it ended. As far as he knows, it ended for 2 main reasons. Mainly, it ended because we are incompatible right now spiritually. I have a hope of becoming religious again one day and he totally can't see himself connecting to Orthodox Judaism. So I'm trying to share my spiritual journey with him and he can't appreciate it because pseudo-secretly (cause he didn't really keep it a secret) he was always afraid I might become religious again and he knew that if that were to happen, it couldn't work out between us.
The other reason was that he's just not stable enough right now to be having a serious relationship. He only just broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years, 4 months ago. She's still in touch with him a lot. He's terribly hurt by her and feeling horribly lonely. He's sad almost all the time.
Last night, while we were breaking up, he mentioned to me the fact that he felt that in the 2 weeks we were together, he was taking a lot from me (mooching my energy off of me) and hardly giving at all. When he said that, I couldn't help but feel that it was true. And rightfully because he doesn't feel he has much to give. He's too caught up in feeling horrible.
But there is another, in my opinion more important, reason I felt our relationship wasn't going anywhere.
In the beginning I had such strong feelings towards him. I was crazy excited about him. But then, for some reason, those feelings practically vanished. I mean, I still knew that he's a great guy but I wasn't feeling it anymore. It was really sad for me, because I know how great he is, but I just wasn't feeling much towards him. He told me last night that he'll remember best the date we had in the park. It was very romantic the way we walked around holding hands and then we sat on the grass for a long time, practically on top of each other (as he put it). He says he hasn't felt that intimate with someone in a really long time. There was one point where we were looking at each other and he said, "Don't look at me that way." I said, "Don't look at me that way." Afterwards he told me that he was feeling such strong emotions at that moment that he felt like either he was going to try to kiss me (again) or start crying.
The so, so, so sad part is that I wasn't feeling intimate with him. Isn't that the saddest thing? I could cry just thinking about it. I wasn't really "there" that evening. I didn't have such a great time. I mean, there is something nice about being with him and it's like this whole new experience touching a guy which, though terrifying, is nice, but I didn't have such a good time. And that moment, specifically, I wasn't really "there" either.
Part of what made me start feeling distance from him is the fact that I felt over and over again that he didn't really understand me. He just didn't get what I was talking about, so often. It was so hard for me. I'd try to explain how I felt or what I thought and he just didn't get it. And often he'd jump to conclusions about me which were so totally untrue.
Even last night, as we were breaking up, he said that he understood why I'd want to become religious again, mostly because of my family.
Oh my God!!! That is so obviously the last reason I wanna become religious again! The whole point is that I stopped being religious, even though my whole family is religious, because I wasn't feeling connected to it. And that means that after taking such a humongous, very, very difficult step of stepping away from what I'm "supposed" to be, obviously the point is that I don't want to be religious only because my family is and that I want to choose to do whatever will really be mine. Whatever I really will connect to.
I was happy that even last night I was reminded that he doesn't understand me because it made me feel better about the decision not to continue.
But it was sad. I felt like crying. He was almost crying. We were holding hands in his car. He was talking a lot about how he felt towards me. He said the nicest things. He talked about how much I meant to him. How special he thinks I am. He went on for a while just about how beautiful he thinks I am. It was really nice to hear. He was like, "I'm not sure if you realize how beautiful you are." He was talking about my smile, my curly hair. He told me the times he thought I looked most beautiful. On my birthday (when I thought I didn't look so great) and yesterday when I went to his office to take care of some tax stuff. He loves when my hair is a little wild. He said he loves that my personality is wild but innocent. He said that's so attractive to him.
He said that I am literally a treasure and that I shouldn't take any crap from any guys. He said that if they don't like something about me, I should just let them go because I deserve the best. He said that if anyone bothers me, I should call him and he'll take care of him. : )
He said that he will truly be happy if he hears in a few months that I've met a guy and we're getting engaged. But, on the other hand, he said that if I meet a guy tomorrow, he'll come and beat the guy up. So sweet. : )
He said that I was very different than what he thought I was, when he 1st asked me out. I asked him if that was for the better and he emphatically said, "Yes!!!" I really surprised him. It's so interesting because you realize how much people don't know about you when they 1st meet you.
He admitted to me that the reason he felt OK about asking me out was because I had told him I was leaving to Canada so he felt like he didn't have much to lose. If it didn't work out, he probably wouldn't see me for a year anyway. He was sure we'd go out twice and then I'd decide not to go out anymore. He had no idea how much deeper it would go than that.
As my best friend said, these 2 weeks have been a serious learning experience for me. We're not sure if we should call it, "Life 101," "Esther 101," "Non-religious world 101," "Guys 101." I learned so much. About everything. Myself, guys, relationships, non-religious guys and non-religious world...
And then here I am, alone again. I guess it doesn't really matter cause it was a very short time during which I didn't actually feel alone.
I had some really nice times with him. My best time was our date on Sunday (around 8 days ago). It was one of the best dates I've ever been on. It was fun. We both talked. We talked about each other. We talked about serious things and fun things. We laughed a lot. I really felt like I was there. The next few days were also really fun because we couldn't see each other which was very hard and we were in touch during that time. Lots of sms's, emails, phone calls. We really missed each other. We were flirting tons through sms's. It was very exciting. Very fun.
Then, when we actually did meet on Wednesday, it wasn't so good. From before that, actually, things started getting especially difficult.
But it was a real experience. I was alive for it. It was definitely not only easy but it was good.
QE
He's the guy with whom, until now, I've had the most intimate relationship. The most real relationship. Besides the fact that he's the 1st one who's hand I held (willingly) and who I hugged (fine, I've hugged a couple of other guys but not within a relationship, if you understand what I mean). I felt very strongly towards him. I felt a tremendous amount of potential between us. We are very alike. There was a connection on a few different levels. I was feeling a great amount of respect towards him. I thought he was the nicest guy I'd ever dated. I thought he was a good, straight forward, honest person. I thought he was really cute.
I really, really liked him.
And now it ended. As far as he knows, it ended for 2 main reasons. Mainly, it ended because we are incompatible right now spiritually. I have a hope of becoming religious again one day and he totally can't see himself connecting to Orthodox Judaism. So I'm trying to share my spiritual journey with him and he can't appreciate it because pseudo-secretly (cause he didn't really keep it a secret) he was always afraid I might become religious again and he knew that if that were to happen, it couldn't work out between us.
The other reason was that he's just not stable enough right now to be having a serious relationship. He only just broke up with his girlfriend of 7 years, 4 months ago. She's still in touch with him a lot. He's terribly hurt by her and feeling horribly lonely. He's sad almost all the time.
Last night, while we were breaking up, he mentioned to me the fact that he felt that in the 2 weeks we were together, he was taking a lot from me (mooching my energy off of me) and hardly giving at all. When he said that, I couldn't help but feel that it was true. And rightfully because he doesn't feel he has much to give. He's too caught up in feeling horrible.
But there is another, in my opinion more important, reason I felt our relationship wasn't going anywhere.
In the beginning I had such strong feelings towards him. I was crazy excited about him. But then, for some reason, those feelings practically vanished. I mean, I still knew that he's a great guy but I wasn't feeling it anymore. It was really sad for me, because I know how great he is, but I just wasn't feeling much towards him. He told me last night that he'll remember best the date we had in the park. It was very romantic the way we walked around holding hands and then we sat on the grass for a long time, practically on top of each other (as he put it). He says he hasn't felt that intimate with someone in a really long time. There was one point where we were looking at each other and he said, "Don't look at me that way." I said, "Don't look at me that way." Afterwards he told me that he was feeling such strong emotions at that moment that he felt like either he was going to try to kiss me (again) or start crying.
The so, so, so sad part is that I wasn't feeling intimate with him. Isn't that the saddest thing? I could cry just thinking about it. I wasn't really "there" that evening. I didn't have such a great time. I mean, there is something nice about being with him and it's like this whole new experience touching a guy which, though terrifying, is nice, but I didn't have such a good time. And that moment, specifically, I wasn't really "there" either.
Part of what made me start feeling distance from him is the fact that I felt over and over again that he didn't really understand me. He just didn't get what I was talking about, so often. It was so hard for me. I'd try to explain how I felt or what I thought and he just didn't get it. And often he'd jump to conclusions about me which were so totally untrue.
Even last night, as we were breaking up, he said that he understood why I'd want to become religious again, mostly because of my family.
Oh my God!!! That is so obviously the last reason I wanna become religious again! The whole point is that I stopped being religious, even though my whole family is religious, because I wasn't feeling connected to it. And that means that after taking such a humongous, very, very difficult step of stepping away from what I'm "supposed" to be, obviously the point is that I don't want to be religious only because my family is and that I want to choose to do whatever will really be mine. Whatever I really will connect to.
I was happy that even last night I was reminded that he doesn't understand me because it made me feel better about the decision not to continue.
But it was sad. I felt like crying. He was almost crying. We were holding hands in his car. He was talking a lot about how he felt towards me. He said the nicest things. He talked about how much I meant to him. How special he thinks I am. He went on for a while just about how beautiful he thinks I am. It was really nice to hear. He was like, "I'm not sure if you realize how beautiful you are." He was talking about my smile, my curly hair. He told me the times he thought I looked most beautiful. On my birthday (when I thought I didn't look so great) and yesterday when I went to his office to take care of some tax stuff. He loves when my hair is a little wild. He said he loves that my personality is wild but innocent. He said that's so attractive to him.
He said that I am literally a treasure and that I shouldn't take any crap from any guys. He said that if they don't like something about me, I should just let them go because I deserve the best. He said that if anyone bothers me, I should call him and he'll take care of him. : )
He said that he will truly be happy if he hears in a few months that I've met a guy and we're getting engaged. But, on the other hand, he said that if I meet a guy tomorrow, he'll come and beat the guy up. So sweet. : )
He said that I was very different than what he thought I was, when he 1st asked me out. I asked him if that was for the better and he emphatically said, "Yes!!!" I really surprised him. It's so interesting because you realize how much people don't know about you when they 1st meet you.
He admitted to me that the reason he felt OK about asking me out was because I had told him I was leaving to Canada so he felt like he didn't have much to lose. If it didn't work out, he probably wouldn't see me for a year anyway. He was sure we'd go out twice and then I'd decide not to go out anymore. He had no idea how much deeper it would go than that.
As my best friend said, these 2 weeks have been a serious learning experience for me. We're not sure if we should call it, "Life 101," "Esther 101," "Non-religious world 101," "Guys 101." I learned so much. About everything. Myself, guys, relationships, non-religious guys and non-religious world...
And then here I am, alone again. I guess it doesn't really matter cause it was a very short time during which I didn't actually feel alone.
I had some really nice times with him. My best time was our date on Sunday (around 8 days ago). It was one of the best dates I've ever been on. It was fun. We both talked. We talked about each other. We talked about serious things and fun things. We laughed a lot. I really felt like I was there. The next few days were also really fun because we couldn't see each other which was very hard and we were in touch during that time. Lots of sms's, emails, phone calls. We really missed each other. We were flirting tons through sms's. It was very exciting. Very fun.
Then, when we actually did meet on Wednesday, it wasn't so good. From before that, actually, things started getting especially difficult.
But it was a real experience. I was alive for it. It was definitely not only easy but it was good.
QE
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Lost
Sitting all alone in the universe
I try screaming
I don't even hear my echo
Am I all alone?
I don't have anyone to ask
I need to choose a direction
But that direction chosen could take me infinitely away from Truth
That direction chosen, could it bring me to a happy place?
I suppose. But it sure doesn't feel that way.
All I know is I feel so lonesome I could cry
I feel so helpless I could cry
I feel so overwhelmed, I could cry...
QE
I try screaming
I don't even hear my echo
Am I all alone?
I don't have anyone to ask
I need to choose a direction
But that direction chosen could take me infinitely away from Truth
That direction chosen, could it bring me to a happy place?
I suppose. But it sure doesn't feel that way.
All I know is I feel so lonesome I could cry
I feel so helpless I could cry
I feel so overwhelmed, I could cry...
QE
Lost
I've only been in touch with Isaac for 1.5 weeks and it's gotten really intense. We are very similar in many ways. We connect on quite a few different levels.
I was feeling such a deep, personal connection, that I felt it was wrong for me to write about him in a public blog. I actually mentioned that to him and he said he doesn't mind but still I wasn't sure I felt so comfortable about it.
Anyway, I really feel like I need to write and he even gave me his OK so I'm gonna do it.
Tonight we talked about religious issues. I tried to explain to him where I am and he tried to explain to me where he is. It was crazy intense. I was all worried, he was all worried. We were both so scared about what could happen. Are we enough in the same place that it's worth continuing, trying to build something between us? So many big questions and all of this when he is generally feeling very vulnerable. He's terrified of getting hurt after recently being very hurt by someone.
It was so intense and it brought up so much of the horrible feelings I have during the changes I'm going through right now religiously. I so don't know where I am, what I need, what I want, where I want to go to. It hurts me so much to think about this. I know I don't connect to the religious world at this point but it's the world I know. It's the world I wanted to be a part of. It hurts so much to be letting go of it. Especially when I don't see any other world that can compare with its depth and meaning.
But to me it doesn't have that depth and meaning. So no matter how many people I respect and love are living that way, if I don't connect, I just can't do it. But what the hell am I supposed to do instead?! I don't understand how someone can live without religion.
I feel so stuck. I suddenly start feeling like it still is an important thing for me to go away. But what will going away give me? Will it help to be away from all of this intense Israeli world for a while? I'll still be with myself. I still don't know what to do.
I'm feeling so horrible. I feel so stuck. So, so stuck. I could cry. I feel like there is no way out of where I am. I feel like there is no solution.
I feel so lost.
QE
I was feeling such a deep, personal connection, that I felt it was wrong for me to write about him in a public blog. I actually mentioned that to him and he said he doesn't mind but still I wasn't sure I felt so comfortable about it.
Anyway, I really feel like I need to write and he even gave me his OK so I'm gonna do it.
Tonight we talked about religious issues. I tried to explain to him where I am and he tried to explain to me where he is. It was crazy intense. I was all worried, he was all worried. We were both so scared about what could happen. Are we enough in the same place that it's worth continuing, trying to build something between us? So many big questions and all of this when he is generally feeling very vulnerable. He's terrified of getting hurt after recently being very hurt by someone.
It was so intense and it brought up so much of the horrible feelings I have during the changes I'm going through right now religiously. I so don't know where I am, what I need, what I want, where I want to go to. It hurts me so much to think about this. I know I don't connect to the religious world at this point but it's the world I know. It's the world I wanted to be a part of. It hurts so much to be letting go of it. Especially when I don't see any other world that can compare with its depth and meaning.
But to me it doesn't have that depth and meaning. So no matter how many people I respect and love are living that way, if I don't connect, I just can't do it. But what the hell am I supposed to do instead?! I don't understand how someone can live without religion.
I feel so stuck. I suddenly start feeling like it still is an important thing for me to go away. But what will going away give me? Will it help to be away from all of this intense Israeli world for a while? I'll still be with myself. I still don't know what to do.
I'm feeling so horrible. I feel so stuck. So, so stuck. I could cry. I feel like there is no way out of where I am. I feel like there is no solution.
I feel so lost.
QE
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