Is it possible to gain perspective? No, I think not

I volunteer with a woman who is in her 50's. She was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) at around the age of 38. She is almost totally paralyzed from the neck down. She speaks very unclearly. She needs help doing almost anything a person would want to do, if it's connected with moving.

On the other hand, though I woke up, stretched, walked to the bathroom, pulled down my pants all by myself, peed, flushed the toilet, washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror, maybe plucked some out-of-place eye-brow hair, walked to the computer, (woops! forgot to pull up my pants! kidding : )... All of this, all by myself. But does that mean I wasn't miserable today? No. I was, in fact, terribly, terribly miserable. This boy thing doesn't seem to be working out. I have no idea what's gonna be with myself. I have no idea if I'm ever going to be happy and I have no reason to believe I will be. I am so sad. I am so lonely.

But even though I was lying in bed, hardly functioning, I had told this woman I'd go be with her today so I finally got myself up, out of bed, dressed, ate something and went.

Then, I got cramps. Life SUCKS!!! So there I am running around town with her in her wheelchair and another 2 woman, shopping, and I'm miserable and my stomach is killing. For some reason the pain killers don't really work. : (((((

I don't see how looking at her can give me perspective. I mean, she can't move. That doesn't mean that life is good. If anything, it really does mean that life sucks.

There is the fact that she's religious. She became religious though her family is not. She believes in God even though (or maybe because) she is sick with a horrible disease. Awesome stuff.

When I came in she asked me what's up and what's doing with my plans to go to Vancouver. I told her she can't expect any answers about what I'm planning on doing because I have no idea in hell what I'm doing with myself. She said she also doesn't know what she's doing with herself. I said, "That's a crappy feeling," or something like that.

I guess the truth is that I'm less depressed than I was before I went, even though I had to drag myself around for hours. Definitely it's good I had to get out today, even though I have cramps. I suppose it makes a difference to get out.

Why are we here?!?!?!?! What could possibly give meaning to this crazy, ridiculous, run-in-circles life? How does it make any tiny bit of sense for us to be how we are, where we are?

So there are some beautiful things. There are touching things. There are crap things. There are sad as hell things. There are shit things. There are fucked up things. There are awesome things. There are lots and lots and lots of things. So much stuff. So much going on. So so so much.

How does any of it make sense...

QE

P.S. BTW, as you know, QE stands for Queen Esther. I'm not sure why I chose that name but it is now Adar which is the month of Purim which is the Jewish Holiday on which we read the scroll Esther which is about Queen Esther and Mordechai saving the Jews from being murdered by Haman and Achashveirosh. As someone ingenious once said, all the Jewish holidays can be summed up in one sentence: "They tried to kill us. We won. Lets eat!" : )