God, I have such a crush

I was worried maybe I wouldn't think he's so cute. I was worried I wouldn't like him so much. But so far, just from emailing for a couple of days and seeing him at his office today when I needed to work with him on my tax issues, God, he's catching me. He's totally catching me.

I've mentioned around a million times already that he's cute. So I'll try my hardest not to mention that yet again. I also mentioned that he's sweet. Yes, he truly is sweet. He is sensitive towards other people. He's honest in a refreshing way. He's bold. He's cute (woops, couldn't help it). He cares about things. He likes me. He has expressed his appreciation of me in regards to different things about me. He likes that I'm cute, sweet, sensitive. He really likes me so much.

Today I got very nervous because he was acting way too enthusiastically. It was freaking me out, really. I was feeling pressure. I couldn't take it. So, I actually wrote him about that (we've been in touch almost 100% by email about all of this). I explained to him my need for my own space and time to develop my feelings. He was so understanding about it.

God he's so amazing.

Today 2 main things happened. As I just mentioned, I shared with him my hesitations to jump into things too quickly and especially him jumping in too quickly and he showed an appreciation for the importance of that. Also, I saw him for the 1st time since he professed his feelings for me. The 1st one calmed me down because the pressure (or most of it) was taken off of me. The 2nd thing calmed me down because I saw who I'm dealing with. A nice boy.

Since then, man have my feelings run away with me. I'm getting totally caught up in him and us and the possibilities. I'm so excited by the idea. My heart goes crazy when I read over again the truly lovely things he's written to me, about me.

I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself. What am I supposed to do? Try not to get carried away? Or maybe I'm supposed to just enjoy the ride?

I am worried that I am being too forward now. Like, for example, after I read the emails he sent me this evening, I said I'm sorry I finished them which means I won't have any more of them to read tonight.

I do this. I get carried away. And then I get hurt. But why do I do it? Because I'm romantic. I believe. I hope. I'm emotional. I want to love and be loved.

It's not that I can't help myself. I suppose if I decided I wanted to, I could try to help myself. But I don't because it excites me.

And he excites me because of who he is and he appreciates me. He hardly knows me but he appreciates me. It's the most wonderful thing to be appreciated. It gives you strength you always hoped you had but so often feel you lack. It makes you feel happy. It makes you nicer.

Then a fear enters me which says maybe... maybe about so many things. Maybe he'll change his mind. I'll be so hurt. Maybe I'll realize it's not it and it will hurt him so much. We might get hurt. One of us. Both of us.

In order to reach higher places, you must be prepared to fall. Yes, you might get hurt, but there is only one way to find out.

QE