Filling the void, dating websites and writing

I've decided I need to focus on different things than I have been. I've been obsessive about the dating websites. I check them too often. I think about it too much. I'm always hoping that my salvation will come from there.

Whenever you become obsessive about something, it's because you feel a void and you have this hope that the thing you're obsessing about will fill that void. With things like drugs, it's obvious that they aren't going to fill the void. But with things like looking for a life-partener, it is less obvious. It actually makes sense that it could fill the void! I mean, we need a close relationship with someone. But once it becomes an obsession, it's not good. It's bad, actually. It's wrong and it's a shame the waste of energy.

So, I deleted my profiles from the websites. Yes, deleted. Not froze. DELETED. It wasn't easy. It was really not easy at all. It was and is so hard. The idea of it. The fact that I actually did it.

I feel like Homer Simpson when he thinks he's dying. He gets a brochure that explains what a person goes through when they think they're dying. The thing is that Homer goes throug all the different stages within the half a minute it takes him to read the brochure (disbelief, anger, sadness, acceptance...). Too hilarious!

I feel sad. Scared. Free. But also free falling. Story of my life, right now, really. I'm making myself free fall in almost every aspect of my life! So now in dating. I'm sick of holding onto things that aren't real. I want real.

I WANT REAL!!!!!!!!! I only want real.

So, here I am, trying to be as real as possible. I believe that one of the most important things you can do is be with the feeling. Really, truly, be with the feeling or emotion. As opposed to immediately trying to get rid of it (by eating too much, taking drugs or going on the dating websites), just experience it. Experience it for all its pain. For all its real-ness. Be with it. It's legitimate. It's real. It's important.

Why is it important? I think just because it is. The second something is then it's important because if you just try to get rid of it, it screws you up.

I'm a little confused about this right now...

Anyway, as you can tell, I like writing. So, I decided I need to do something to try to make me happy and my friend mentioned creative writing. So I'm trying to find out about creative writing courses. I might try to check that out.

And that is all I have to say about that. : )

QE

P.S. Aren't I brave?