Depressia

Saturday night I always feel depressed. I just feel so down... It's a time to think about life. Another week has gone by. Another week is starting. Again and again and again...

This Shabbat I went to my friend's house. She had me and 3 other girls over. Her sister was there too. It was really nice. I tried to put as little "religious" pressure on myself as possible. For example, today everyone was supposed to go to the synagogue because there was a Torah reading that everyone is supposed to hear. I don't like going to synagogue so I didn't. I just didn't. I didn't explain anything to anyone. I just didn't plan with everyone else when they were deciding when to wake up. I just hung around the house until they came back.

But it's still not so comfortable. Once I've admitted that I really, truly don't feel connected to all these Jewish rituals, it's hard to just go along with them. I don't feel like washing, saying blessings before and after food. I don't feel like dressing in Shabbat clothes. I don't feel like going, "Oh that's so nice," about some words of Torah.

So I try as much as possible not to pressure myself but there are still basic things I feel I need to do. Really, just out of basic respect for the family who's house I'm in. If you don't know any better then fine. But I know what I'm "supposed" to do and it's wrong to just blatantly go against these basic things when in someone's home.

QE