Today, March 30th, is my birthday. I am 27 years old. 27. No guy has ever tried to kiss me. The truth is I've been terrified of touch. I am terrified of touch. I don't understand it. I don't know how it's supposed to be. I don't know how it's supposed to feel. I don't know how you're supposed to take it.
I have so much to say about this subject but instead I'm just sitting here rubbing my eyes. I'm so tired. I hope I'll be able to write more about this later because it's a very important subject to me. Touch.
Happy birthday to me,
QE
P.S. Oh, I'm forgetting the most important piece of info. The sweet guy tried to kiss me. I was shocked. I backed away and said, "No." It was very awkward and then he pushed me to tell him why. I told him a bit. Sorry. Just so tired. Can't write more right now. QE
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
God, I have such a crush
I was worried maybe I wouldn't think he's so cute. I was worried I wouldn't like him so much. But so far, just from emailing for a couple of days and seeing him at his office today when I needed to work with him on my tax issues, God, he's catching me. He's totally catching me.
I've mentioned around a million times already that he's cute. So I'll try my hardest not to mention that yet again. I also mentioned that he's sweet. Yes, he truly is sweet. He is sensitive towards other people. He's honest in a refreshing way. He's bold. He's cute (woops, couldn't help it). He cares about things. He likes me. He has expressed his appreciation of me in regards to different things about me. He likes that I'm cute, sweet, sensitive. He really likes me so much.
Today I got very nervous because he was acting way too enthusiastically. It was freaking me out, really. I was feeling pressure. I couldn't take it. So, I actually wrote him about that (we've been in touch almost 100% by email about all of this). I explained to him my need for my own space and time to develop my feelings. He was so understanding about it.
God he's so amazing.
Today 2 main things happened. As I just mentioned, I shared with him my hesitations to jump into things too quickly and especially him jumping in too quickly and he showed an appreciation for the importance of that. Also, I saw him for the 1st time since he professed his feelings for me. The 1st one calmed me down because the pressure (or most of it) was taken off of me. The 2nd thing calmed me down because I saw who I'm dealing with. A nice boy.
Since then, man have my feelings run away with me. I'm getting totally caught up in him and us and the possibilities. I'm so excited by the idea. My heart goes crazy when I read over again the truly lovely things he's written to me, about me.
I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself. What am I supposed to do? Try not to get carried away? Or maybe I'm supposed to just enjoy the ride?
I am worried that I am being too forward now. Like, for example, after I read the emails he sent me this evening, I said I'm sorry I finished them which means I won't have any more of them to read tonight.
I do this. I get carried away. And then I get hurt. But why do I do it? Because I'm romantic. I believe. I hope. I'm emotional. I want to love and be loved.
It's not that I can't help myself. I suppose if I decided I wanted to, I could try to help myself. But I don't because it excites me.
And he excites me because of who he is and he appreciates me. He hardly knows me but he appreciates me. It's the most wonderful thing to be appreciated. It gives you strength you always hoped you had but so often feel you lack. It makes you feel happy. It makes you nicer.
Then a fear enters me which says maybe... maybe about so many things. Maybe he'll change his mind. I'll be so hurt. Maybe I'll realize it's not it and it will hurt him so much. We might get hurt. One of us. Both of us.
In order to reach higher places, you must be prepared to fall. Yes, you might get hurt, but there is only one way to find out.
QE
I've mentioned around a million times already that he's cute. So I'll try my hardest not to mention that yet again. I also mentioned that he's sweet. Yes, he truly is sweet. He is sensitive towards other people. He's honest in a refreshing way. He's bold. He's cute (woops, couldn't help it). He cares about things. He likes me. He has expressed his appreciation of me in regards to different things about me. He likes that I'm cute, sweet, sensitive. He really likes me so much.
Today I got very nervous because he was acting way too enthusiastically. It was freaking me out, really. I was feeling pressure. I couldn't take it. So, I actually wrote him about that (we've been in touch almost 100% by email about all of this). I explained to him my need for my own space and time to develop my feelings. He was so understanding about it.
God he's so amazing.
Today 2 main things happened. As I just mentioned, I shared with him my hesitations to jump into things too quickly and especially him jumping in too quickly and he showed an appreciation for the importance of that. Also, I saw him for the 1st time since he professed his feelings for me. The 1st one calmed me down because the pressure (or most of it) was taken off of me. The 2nd thing calmed me down because I saw who I'm dealing with. A nice boy.
Since then, man have my feelings run away with me. I'm getting totally caught up in him and us and the possibilities. I'm so excited by the idea. My heart goes crazy when I read over again the truly lovely things he's written to me, about me.
I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself. What am I supposed to do? Try not to get carried away? Or maybe I'm supposed to just enjoy the ride?
I am worried that I am being too forward now. Like, for example, after I read the emails he sent me this evening, I said I'm sorry I finished them which means I won't have any more of them to read tonight.
I do this. I get carried away. And then I get hurt. But why do I do it? Because I'm romantic. I believe. I hope. I'm emotional. I want to love and be loved.
It's not that I can't help myself. I suppose if I decided I wanted to, I could try to help myself. But I don't because it excites me.
And he excites me because of who he is and he appreciates me. He hardly knows me but he appreciates me. It's the most wonderful thing to be appreciated. It gives you strength you always hoped you had but so often feel you lack. It makes you feel happy. It makes you nicer.
Then a fear enters me which says maybe... maybe about so many things. Maybe he'll change his mind. I'll be so hurt. Maybe I'll realize it's not it and it will hurt him so much. We might get hurt. One of us. Both of us.
In order to reach higher places, you must be prepared to fall. Yes, you might get hurt, but there is only one way to find out.
QE
He's so cute
So I needed to go to my accountant today. It was so weird because now we have this secret, that we're gonna go out, but then we meet in the office and we have to be all "normal." I was so nervous coming in. I actually think I was nervous the whole time.
But he's so cute!!! He is such a cutey and so sweet. He is so cute. So sososososososo cute. He's so cute. I just feel like writing that over and over again. He's such a sweety. Sigh...
Anyway, we hope to go out on Wednesday.
As he wrote the 27th of March on a piece of paper, he asked me when my birthday is. I said, "The 30th" because my birthday really is in a couple of days. He said he had a feeling it was really soon and he wanted to know if he could get me something for me. We decided he could get me something small.
Oh... He's making my heart go all over the place. He's so sweet!
Wow, have you noticed my crazy crush on this guy?
QE
But he's so cute!!! He is such a cutey and so sweet. He is so cute. So sososososososo cute. He's so cute. I just feel like writing that over and over again. He's such a sweety. Sigh...
Anyway, we hope to go out on Wednesday.
As he wrote the 27th of March on a piece of paper, he asked me when my birthday is. I said, "The 30th" because my birthday really is in a couple of days. He said he had a feeling it was really soon and he wanted to know if he could get me something for me. We decided he could get me something small.
Oh... He's making my heart go all over the place. He's so sweet!
Wow, have you noticed my crazy crush on this guy?
QE
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Dating in real
Last night I decided I need to get off the dating websites. With the help and support of my closest friend, I was able to do it. It was not easy at all. But I did it. Afterwards it hasn't been easy either. Every time I think of what I did, it feels very big to me. It is big to me.
But it's real. It wasn't real what was going on with me on the dating websites. I think it can be a great thing but for me, as I mentioned before, it had become obsessive and a coping mechanism which I came to realize, wasn't being used in a healthy way.
So, I'm off the sites for less than 12 hours and into my email account arrives a new and strange letter. I was still fast asleep. At 11:30am, around 4 hours after this letter arrives, I arrived next to my computer in order to notice this new letter. It is from no other than my accountant.
My accountant, Isaac, is a sweet, cute guy. I've noticed him. I've thought about him a bit. But this morning he wrote me a confession of his feelings for me... In poem form! So sweet. He wrote that when he thinks of me, it makes him smile inside. When I come to the office he wants to figure out how to make me smile. It makes him sad to hear about so much pain from me. He thinks I'm cute. But all this isn't his fault, but mine, for being so amazing.
So sweet. I was like, "WOW MAN!!!" I mean, so freakin' brave, right? The bravery is so amazing to me.
Anyway I wrote him back a totally mixed up letter that when I read it later, I understood why he was totally confused. My feelings were so mixed up and I was writing what I was feeling so it was very confusing what I ended up with. So that made him really uncomfortable and embarrassed because he didn't know what my feelings were. So just a little while ago I wrote him again, this time more clearly, what I felt.
The bottom line is that I'm for sure willing to give it a try.
Funny: A couple of months ago my mom asked me if I'd mind if she had me and him set up.
Anyway, I am going to see him tomorrow. That should be nice and awkward.
The reason this posting is called "Dating in real" is because this is so real. That's the main thing that freaked me out. Net-dating was safe because it was through a computer. It wasn't really real, until it became real. And it never really had to become real.
Here, we are talking about someone I've met. I've talked to. He's seen me deal with my money! He has seen me. And he's developed these feelings for me and is interested in dating me. That is pretty damn real.
I love bravery. I myself try to be brave and when a boy is brave, I'm highly impressed.
QE
But it's real. It wasn't real what was going on with me on the dating websites. I think it can be a great thing but for me, as I mentioned before, it had become obsessive and a coping mechanism which I came to realize, wasn't being used in a healthy way.
So, I'm off the sites for less than 12 hours and into my email account arrives a new and strange letter. I was still fast asleep. At 11:30am, around 4 hours after this letter arrives, I arrived next to my computer in order to notice this new letter. It is from no other than my accountant.
My accountant, Isaac, is a sweet, cute guy. I've noticed him. I've thought about him a bit. But this morning he wrote me a confession of his feelings for me... In poem form! So sweet. He wrote that when he thinks of me, it makes him smile inside. When I come to the office he wants to figure out how to make me smile. It makes him sad to hear about so much pain from me. He thinks I'm cute. But all this isn't his fault, but mine, for being so amazing.
So sweet. I was like, "WOW MAN!!!" I mean, so freakin' brave, right? The bravery is so amazing to me.
Anyway I wrote him back a totally mixed up letter that when I read it later, I understood why he was totally confused. My feelings were so mixed up and I was writing what I was feeling so it was very confusing what I ended up with. So that made him really uncomfortable and embarrassed because he didn't know what my feelings were. So just a little while ago I wrote him again, this time more clearly, what I felt.
The bottom line is that I'm for sure willing to give it a try.
Funny: A couple of months ago my mom asked me if I'd mind if she had me and him set up.
Anyway, I am going to see him tomorrow. That should be nice and awkward.
The reason this posting is called "Dating in real" is because this is so real. That's the main thing that freaked me out. Net-dating was safe because it was through a computer. It wasn't really real, until it became real. And it never really had to become real.
Here, we are talking about someone I've met. I've talked to. He's seen me deal with my money! He has seen me. And he's developed these feelings for me and is interested in dating me. That is pretty damn real.
I love bravery. I myself try to be brave and when a boy is brave, I'm highly impressed.
QE
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Filling the void, dating websites and writing
I've decided I need to focus on different things than I have been. I've been obsessive about the dating websites. I check them too often. I think about it too much. I'm always hoping that my salvation will come from there.
Whenever you become obsessive about something, it's because you feel a void and you have this hope that the thing you're obsessing about will fill that void. With things like drugs, it's obvious that they aren't going to fill the void. But with things like looking for a life-partener, it is less obvious. It actually makes sense that it could fill the void! I mean, we need a close relationship with someone. But once it becomes an obsession, it's not good. It's bad, actually. It's wrong and it's a shame the waste of energy.
So, I deleted my profiles from the websites. Yes, deleted. Not froze. DELETED. It wasn't easy. It was really not easy at all. It was and is so hard. The idea of it. The fact that I actually did it.
I feel like Homer Simpson when he thinks he's dying. He gets a brochure that explains what a person goes through when they think they're dying. The thing is that Homer goes throug all the different stages within the half a minute it takes him to read the brochure (disbelief, anger, sadness, acceptance...). Too hilarious!
I feel sad. Scared. Free. But also free falling. Story of my life, right now, really. I'm making myself free fall in almost every aspect of my life! So now in dating. I'm sick of holding onto things that aren't real. I want real.
I WANT REAL!!!!!!!!! I only want real.
So, here I am, trying to be as real as possible. I believe that one of the most important things you can do is be with the feeling. Really, truly, be with the feeling or emotion. As opposed to immediately trying to get rid of it (by eating too much, taking drugs or going on the dating websites), just experience it. Experience it for all its pain. For all its real-ness. Be with it. It's legitimate. It's real. It's important.
Why is it important? I think just because it is. The second something is then it's important because if you just try to get rid of it, it screws you up.
I'm a little confused about this right now...
Anyway, as you can tell, I like writing. So, I decided I need to do something to try to make me happy and my friend mentioned creative writing. So I'm trying to find out about creative writing courses. I might try to check that out.
And that is all I have to say about that. : )
QE
P.S. Aren't I brave?
Whenever you become obsessive about something, it's because you feel a void and you have this hope that the thing you're obsessing about will fill that void. With things like drugs, it's obvious that they aren't going to fill the void. But with things like looking for a life-partener, it is less obvious. It actually makes sense that it could fill the void! I mean, we need a close relationship with someone. But once it becomes an obsession, it's not good. It's bad, actually. It's wrong and it's a shame the waste of energy.
So, I deleted my profiles from the websites. Yes, deleted. Not froze. DELETED. It wasn't easy. It was really not easy at all. It was and is so hard. The idea of it. The fact that I actually did it.
I feel like Homer Simpson when he thinks he's dying. He gets a brochure that explains what a person goes through when they think they're dying. The thing is that Homer goes throug all the different stages within the half a minute it takes him to read the brochure (disbelief, anger, sadness, acceptance...). Too hilarious!
I feel sad. Scared. Free. But also free falling. Story of my life, right now, really. I'm making myself free fall in almost every aspect of my life! So now in dating. I'm sick of holding onto things that aren't real. I want real.
I WANT REAL!!!!!!!!! I only want real.
So, here I am, trying to be as real as possible. I believe that one of the most important things you can do is be with the feeling. Really, truly, be with the feeling or emotion. As opposed to immediately trying to get rid of it (by eating too much, taking drugs or going on the dating websites), just experience it. Experience it for all its pain. For all its real-ness. Be with it. It's legitimate. It's real. It's important.
Why is it important? I think just because it is. The second something is then it's important because if you just try to get rid of it, it screws you up.
I'm a little confused about this right now...
Anyway, as you can tell, I like writing. So, I decided I need to do something to try to make me happy and my friend mentioned creative writing. So I'm trying to find out about creative writing courses. I might try to check that out.
And that is all I have to say about that. : )
QE
P.S. Aren't I brave?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Work and people interactions
My work is so people-oriented. It's quite amazing. Besides the fact that I'm calling person after person, I'm also sitting surrounded by around 10 other people, doing the same thing. And we always have anywhere from a few seconds to a minute or so, in between calls, when we interact with each other. We have so many half-finished conversations. Stories and jokes we're telling each other.
Mostly it's fun. The people are... interesting. I feel like I'm also getting the opportunity - because of the people-aspect of this job - to learn tons about myself.
Most of the guys are anywhere from non-religious and don't know anything to non-religious, maybe know something, maybe not, but definitely hate it, mock it, whatever. And truth is, to a large extent, I totally understand them.
One guy tonight specifically said, "I hate religion." Why wouldn't he? Religion is this weird thing that when you're in it, you're forced to take on a whole bunch of weird, annoying and/or difficult things.
So you can start arguing about how deep, meaningful and fulfilling a religious life-style is but guess what. To this guy, from the outside, it sure doesn't look like it. It looks claustrophobic. It looks old-fashioned. It looks pretty damn useless.
Funny, because I come from within it and yet I can totally relate. My take on it is different than his. I think that you need to figure out how to do things in a meaningful way. You have to do things in the right way for you. The right time, place, etc. Then it can be great. But obviously the idea of suddenly one day taking on a mitzva, is horrible. Because when the person considers this idea, they aren't in a place that is right for taking on that mitzva so the mere idea is gonna totally turn him off.
It's a great and important defense mechanism.
Besides that, today is one of the guy's birthdays. I really like him. He's cute. I even had a dream about going out with him, like a girl friend, boy friend thing. He's turning 21. I'm turning 27 next week. : ) That would be cool! Anyway, he's sort of quiet. He's sweet. At least he seems to be (I've misjudged that before so who knows). When during our training I mentioned the serious importance of being honest, he gave me an immediate thumbs-up. And when one night neither of us sold, I told him the next day that I felt a kinship towards him for that and then I told him I was surprised how much I cared that I didn't sell. He told me he didn't care at all because, so what. I told him I really respected him for that.
Anyway, in short, he's cute. I see that he really gets to me.
So a few days ago I decided to get him a b-day card. I bought a sort of nerdy but cute one. And I wrote a little note inside. Since we work 10-5 at night, I decided that I'd put it on his desk right when his b-day began, at midnight. I did that, when he was away from his desk. But then the whole night he didn't notice it because it was under some paper. But then when we finished up for the night, he found it. And he was like, "QE, you got me a card! That's so nice!" and I was like, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed," or something nerdy like that. I was so embarrassed! But I wished him a happy birthday. He really appreciated it. He thought it was so nice and it looked like it made him really happy.
So freakin' cool to really touch someone and make them happy.
QE
Mostly it's fun. The people are... interesting. I feel like I'm also getting the opportunity - because of the people-aspect of this job - to learn tons about myself.
Most of the guys are anywhere from non-religious and don't know anything to non-religious, maybe know something, maybe not, but definitely hate it, mock it, whatever. And truth is, to a large extent, I totally understand them.
One guy tonight specifically said, "I hate religion." Why wouldn't he? Religion is this weird thing that when you're in it, you're forced to take on a whole bunch of weird, annoying and/or difficult things.
So you can start arguing about how deep, meaningful and fulfilling a religious life-style is but guess what. To this guy, from the outside, it sure doesn't look like it. It looks claustrophobic. It looks old-fashioned. It looks pretty damn useless.
Funny, because I come from within it and yet I can totally relate. My take on it is different than his. I think that you need to figure out how to do things in a meaningful way. You have to do things in the right way for you. The right time, place, etc. Then it can be great. But obviously the idea of suddenly one day taking on a mitzva, is horrible. Because when the person considers this idea, they aren't in a place that is right for taking on that mitzva so the mere idea is gonna totally turn him off.
It's a great and important defense mechanism.
Besides that, today is one of the guy's birthdays. I really like him. He's cute. I even had a dream about going out with him, like a girl friend, boy friend thing. He's turning 21. I'm turning 27 next week. : ) That would be cool! Anyway, he's sort of quiet. He's sweet. At least he seems to be (I've misjudged that before so who knows). When during our training I mentioned the serious importance of being honest, he gave me an immediate thumbs-up. And when one night neither of us sold, I told him the next day that I felt a kinship towards him for that and then I told him I was surprised how much I cared that I didn't sell. He told me he didn't care at all because, so what. I told him I really respected him for that.
Anyway, in short, he's cute. I see that he really gets to me.
So a few days ago I decided to get him a b-day card. I bought a sort of nerdy but cute one. And I wrote a little note inside. Since we work 10-5 at night, I decided that I'd put it on his desk right when his b-day began, at midnight. I did that, when he was away from his desk. But then the whole night he didn't notice it because it was under some paper. But then when we finished up for the night, he found it. And he was like, "QE, you got me a card! That's so nice!" and I was like, "Oh, I'm so embarrassed," or something nerdy like that. I was so embarrassed! But I wished him a happy birthday. He really appreciated it. He thought it was so nice and it looked like it made him really happy.
So freakin' cool to really touch someone and make them happy.
QE
Monday, March 20, 2006
What makes me miserable? I make me miserable.
My job is so OK. It's 7 hours which could seem long but though it can stretch out, it's not terrible. I'm calling person after person offering to sell them baseball tickets. So what? I mean, if you sell, cool. If you don't, cool. It's not even a permanent job so it doesn't really matter if I do "well" or not.
My bosses are annoying because they're all pushy about how much we should be selling even though I think they expect (or probably pretend to expect) too much from us. So what?
So what? SO WHAT?! SOOOOOOO WHAT?!?!?!?!
I'm just trying to figure out with my boss what makes me feel so bad in this job and in other jobs too. What makes me suffer? Definitely it's not the situation. It's me. Something in me makes me suffer no matter what I'm doing.
Guilt? I'm worried I'm bad? I'm worried I might be good which is bad? No matter what, I'm worried I'm doing something "bad." If I sell, maybe that's bad. If I don't sell, that's bad. And anywhere in the middle could be bad too.
I'm quite convinced that this bad issue is the main one. I'm a nervous wreck about the repercussions of my actions. Yes, while selling baseball tickets!
My therapist said that anger leads to a person feeling or worrying about being, bad. I don't get the connection. I'm trying to figure that out.
It's crazy that I start dreading going to work when all I'm doing there is selling baseball tickets. It's so good I'm doing this so that I can see that there really is a problem here. Something has made me terrified of being bad. What happened?
QE
My bosses are annoying because they're all pushy about how much we should be selling even though I think they expect (or probably pretend to expect) too much from us. So what?
So what? SO WHAT?! SOOOOOOO WHAT?!?!?!?!
I'm just trying to figure out with my boss what makes me feel so bad in this job and in other jobs too. What makes me suffer? Definitely it's not the situation. It's me. Something in me makes me suffer no matter what I'm doing.
Guilt? I'm worried I'm bad? I'm worried I might be good which is bad? No matter what, I'm worried I'm doing something "bad." If I sell, maybe that's bad. If I don't sell, that's bad. And anywhere in the middle could be bad too.
I'm quite convinced that this bad issue is the main one. I'm a nervous wreck about the repercussions of my actions. Yes, while selling baseball tickets!
My therapist said that anger leads to a person feeling or worrying about being, bad. I don't get the connection. I'm trying to figure that out.
It's crazy that I start dreading going to work when all I'm doing there is selling baseball tickets. It's so good I'm doing this so that I can see that there really is a problem here. Something has made me terrified of being bad. What happened?
QE
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Staring at the clock and the importance of Renewal
It is a new week. It is the 2nd week of work and already I'm dreading going to work. I strongly believe it doesn't have to be that way. I think I can work on this so that I will be totally OK with going to work if not actually happy about it.
When I'm sitting there for 7 hours staring at the clock, I think to myself, "I don't have to be doing this to myself. I could be living this moment, or these moments, to their fullest. That would make the time go by normally (not slowly like when you don't stop checking the clock) or even quickly!"
There needs to be a way to feel the renewal in every moment. Even if it's 2 a.m. and I've been making the same calls since 10 p.m. and I'm still gonna be making them at 5 a.m., doesn't mean it needs to feel boring or repetitive.
How do you live each moment to its fullest? How do you appreciate the moment you're in, instead of hoping it will be over quickly in order to bring the next moment?
What is so great about the moment I'm experiencing right now? So, it's unique and it's the only time this moment will exist, ever. So? Is it that wonderful? What's so wonderful about it and how I can stay aware of this wonderfulness all the time?
QE
When I'm sitting there for 7 hours staring at the clock, I think to myself, "I don't have to be doing this to myself. I could be living this moment, or these moments, to their fullest. That would make the time go by normally (not slowly like when you don't stop checking the clock) or even quickly!"
There needs to be a way to feel the renewal in every moment. Even if it's 2 a.m. and I've been making the same calls since 10 p.m. and I'm still gonna be making them at 5 a.m., doesn't mean it needs to feel boring or repetitive.
How do you live each moment to its fullest? How do you appreciate the moment you're in, instead of hoping it will be over quickly in order to bring the next moment?
What is so great about the moment I'm experiencing right now? So, it's unique and it's the only time this moment will exist, ever. So? Is it that wonderful? What's so wonderful about it and how I can stay aware of this wonderfulness all the time?
QE
Friday, March 17, 2006
tired, oh so tired
This week I had to get used to sleeping from 6am to 1 or 2 am, instead of sleeping regular hours at night. Wow. I'm tired! I'm still what I call jetlagged. No, I didn't go on a jet but it's like getting used to a 7 hour time-change.
Today I woke up at 1 pm but then I was tired again after 1 or 2 hours so I went back to sleep and just woke up at around 4 pm. So weird.
One problem I have with the blog is that I can never remember exactly what details I've written here already. So on the one hand I don't wanna write something twice and on the other hand I don't want to write a "continuation" of something when I didn't even write the beginning. : ) So, if you ever aren't sure of what I'm talking about, feel free to let me know.
Shabbat is starting soon. I should go take a shower. And I'm so thirsty!!! Yes, that's important for you to know.
Shabbat Shalom,
QE
Today I woke up at 1 pm but then I was tired again after 1 or 2 hours so I went back to sleep and just woke up at around 4 pm. So weird.
One problem I have with the blog is that I can never remember exactly what details I've written here already. So on the one hand I don't wanna write something twice and on the other hand I don't want to write a "continuation" of something when I didn't even write the beginning. : ) So, if you ever aren't sure of what I'm talking about, feel free to let me know.
Shabbat is starting soon. I should go take a shower. And I'm so thirsty!!! Yes, that's important for you to know.
Shabbat Shalom,
QE
Thursday, March 16, 2006
1st week done
I just finished my 1st week of hanging out with around 8 guys 7 hours a day. I totally love these guys. We are all so different from each other. Religious, non-religious. Older, younger. Nerdy, cool. But I love 'em all. I dunno why. They're just great. I just feel like they're all good.
Yesterday me and another guy didn't make any sales. I told him today that I felt a special kinship towards him because of it. I said I was surprised how bothered I was by the fact that I didn't sell. He told me he didn't care one bit. I was so amazed! I said I really respect him for that. Cause my life is all about feeling bad, no matter what happens. If I sell, if I don't sell.
Truth is, I really wanna sell. I really do! It annoys me that I don't have sales tactics. It's too bad.
It's funny. In a way, they are such a "bad" influence on me. They swear (though I must say not too badly, probably cuz I'm there). They can talk about stupid things a lot. But I like these non-religious guys much more than I do the religious ones. Come to think of it, I don't especially love or connect to all 3 of the religious people in the group. It actually really amazes me. There is a religious woman who is quite annoying. There is a religious guy who, well, is quite annoying. And my supervisor is religious and he is... um, well, annoying.
Isn't that so interesting - and in a way upsetting - that it's like that? I know this isn't exact statistics but if there is something to this, it makes me wonder what makes the religious people so annoying and the non-religious people so much fun and so cool to be around?
I'm telling you, there's something to it. So many people are practicing a suffocating, closed-minded, dead-end "religious" life. I put religious in " because if there is truth to our religion, it will not be a suffocating, closed-minded, dead-end life-style. It will be the most freeing, wonderful, exciting, thought-provoking, deep life-style possible.
If the guy talking about pork is easier than Mr. Religion, I think we need to rethink things. Religious people should be great people.
QE
Yesterday me and another guy didn't make any sales. I told him today that I felt a special kinship towards him because of it. I said I was surprised how bothered I was by the fact that I didn't sell. He told me he didn't care one bit. I was so amazed! I said I really respect him for that. Cause my life is all about feeling bad, no matter what happens. If I sell, if I don't sell.
Truth is, I really wanna sell. I really do! It annoys me that I don't have sales tactics. It's too bad.
It's funny. In a way, they are such a "bad" influence on me. They swear (though I must say not too badly, probably cuz I'm there). They can talk about stupid things a lot. But I like these non-religious guys much more than I do the religious ones. Come to think of it, I don't especially love or connect to all 3 of the religious people in the group. It actually really amazes me. There is a religious woman who is quite annoying. There is a religious guy who, well, is quite annoying. And my supervisor is religious and he is... um, well, annoying.
Isn't that so interesting - and in a way upsetting - that it's like that? I know this isn't exact statistics but if there is something to this, it makes me wonder what makes the religious people so annoying and the non-religious people so much fun and so cool to be around?
I'm telling you, there's something to it. So many people are practicing a suffocating, closed-minded, dead-end "religious" life. I put religious in " because if there is truth to our religion, it will not be a suffocating, closed-minded, dead-end life-style. It will be the most freeing, wonderful, exciting, thought-provoking, deep life-style possible.
If the guy talking about pork is easier than Mr. Religion, I think we need to rethink things. Religious people should be great people.
QE
bummer
I feel so bummed out. So sad. I just emailed this guy for around 1 week. Back and forth. It was really quite good. He sounded so cool and nice. He sounded so nice! He was sensitive. He was so aware of my feelings. I don't know... He just sounded good.
But he kept not asking me for my number. So finally I asked him why (I said I was sick of emailing and ready to move on) and he said that he was worried it was pushing things too quickly. So he asked me for my number.
But the phone conversation was so annoying. : ( Why!?!?!?!? It was just annoying to talk to him. It's so sad for me. It really makes me so damn sad. It makes me feel like I don't have energy. It makes me feel bummed out. It makes me feel like I don't wanna go to work because I don't have strength for it.
Truth is, anyway I was feeling that way about work. I think that's for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I didn't make any sales last night. But also, I think the full-timeness of it all is starting to hit me. I'm not sure if I'm built for full-time. For the record, it's not full time because I'll only be working 7 hours, 4 days a week and 4 hours 1 day a week. But that's tons for me.
The time goes by very slowly. Not CRAZY slowly but slowly nonetheless. I took off my watch last night but then I figured out how do the time difference with the clock on our wall. So that's not helping much. It helped a little but I don't think it's gonna keep helping.
There must be a healthy way to not watch the clock tick by. There must be a way to not be waiting, waiting, waiting for each shift to be over. I'm sure of it.
It's all about living in the moment. Things don't have to be boring.
It's all about renewal. HitCHadshut התחדשות. Sitting there at 1am isn't like sitting there at 1:15. Each moment should be new, different, special. There is something to learn at every step. There is something to be gained. You can become a better person if you utilize every moment.
QE
But he kept not asking me for my number. So finally I asked him why (I said I was sick of emailing and ready to move on) and he said that he was worried it was pushing things too quickly. So he asked me for my number.
But the phone conversation was so annoying. : ( Why!?!?!?!? It was just annoying to talk to him. It's so sad for me. It really makes me so damn sad. It makes me feel like I don't have energy. It makes me feel bummed out. It makes me feel like I don't wanna go to work because I don't have strength for it.
Truth is, anyway I was feeling that way about work. I think that's for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I didn't make any sales last night. But also, I think the full-timeness of it all is starting to hit me. I'm not sure if I'm built for full-time. For the record, it's not full time because I'll only be working 7 hours, 4 days a week and 4 hours 1 day a week. But that's tons for me.
The time goes by very slowly. Not CRAZY slowly but slowly nonetheless. I took off my watch last night but then I figured out how do the time difference with the clock on our wall. So that's not helping much. It helped a little but I don't think it's gonna keep helping.
There must be a healthy way to not watch the clock tick by. There must be a way to not be waiting, waiting, waiting for each shift to be over. I'm sure of it.
It's all about living in the moment. Things don't have to be boring.
It's all about renewal. HitCHadshut התחדשות. Sitting there at 1am isn't like sitting there at 1:15. Each moment should be new, different, special. There is something to learn at every step. There is something to be gained. You can become a better person if you utilize every moment.
QE
Monday, March 13, 2006
Respect respect respect
Just got back from work. My boss and his assistant, or whatever you want to call him, were talking about respect. We should respect them. They should respect us.
But the boss talked a lot today about the importance of coming on time. Coming late is BAD.
But he let us out 15 minutes late! He just kept talking and talking. Nothing really important but he just went on and on, and ended up letting us out 15 minutes later than he's supposed to.
I had a job around 2 years ago where the boss got upset at us when we stayed over-time. She said we should come on time and leave on time. I think she's right.
We've gotta respect each other's everything - including time.
QE
But the boss talked a lot today about the importance of coming on time. Coming late is BAD.
But he let us out 15 minutes late! He just kept talking and talking. Nothing really important but he just went on and on, and ended up letting us out 15 minutes later than he's supposed to.
I had a job around 2 years ago where the boss got upset at us when we stayed over-time. She said we should come on time and leave on time. I think she's right.
We've gotta respect each other's everything - including time.
QE
Feeling good
Last night was my first "day" at work. Overnight telemarketing. Too funny. But last night and tonight are training days. Probably we'll be on the phones by Tuesday night.
I'm feeling good. The job is crazy and I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy it. I'm a little worried about that. I'm also worried about the people I have to work with. Some are a little annoying. Also, I'm the only available female in the room. There are some guys who aren't available but all in all, there is a lot of room for hem's and ha's about feelings going on between the boys and me. Seriously, there was some sort of weird thing that often people would talk specifically to me. It's hard to explain. In short, I feel different for being "the girl." Whatev. I wanna try to take things easy. No reason to freak out, even if some guy does seem to be "liking" me or whatever. Big deal. So, I'll just not like him back. That doesn't mean I can't talk to him or look him in the eye.
Seriously, you might think I'm kidding but I'm not. I have a hard time looking someone in the eye if I am worried he likes me "too much."
Besides that, there is a guy who wrote to me online. He seems very nice and sensitive. We've been writing back and forth about religious issues because I'm not in the mind set to get involved with a guy who is gung-ho religious. I need someone who, whatever he believes, he is also able to understand and appreciate and support his partner believing something else. That's complicated. I wonder if it's even possible. But this guy actually might have that ability. He knows that he wants to be religious but he seems to be able to understand that that's not where I am. I think he understands that that's OK and he said he hopes I don't go through my journey alone. That I have someone to support me the whole way. That was so sweet of him to say. I'm so touched by that.
So we'll see what comes of that.
QE
I'm feeling good. The job is crazy and I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy it. I'm a little worried about that. I'm also worried about the people I have to work with. Some are a little annoying. Also, I'm the only available female in the room. There are some guys who aren't available but all in all, there is a lot of room for hem's and ha's about feelings going on between the boys and me. Seriously, there was some sort of weird thing that often people would talk specifically to me. It's hard to explain. In short, I feel different for being "the girl." Whatev. I wanna try to take things easy. No reason to freak out, even if some guy does seem to be "liking" me or whatever. Big deal. So, I'll just not like him back. That doesn't mean I can't talk to him or look him in the eye.
Seriously, you might think I'm kidding but I'm not. I have a hard time looking someone in the eye if I am worried he likes me "too much."
Besides that, there is a guy who wrote to me online. He seems very nice and sensitive. We've been writing back and forth about religious issues because I'm not in the mind set to get involved with a guy who is gung-ho religious. I need someone who, whatever he believes, he is also able to understand and appreciate and support his partner believing something else. That's complicated. I wonder if it's even possible. But this guy actually might have that ability. He knows that he wants to be religious but he seems to be able to understand that that's not where I am. I think he understands that that's OK and he said he hopes I don't go through my journey alone. That I have someone to support me the whole way. That was so sweet of him to say. I'm so touched by that.
So we'll see what comes of that.
QE
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Purim and Sex
I just looked up purim and sex at google.com. I just finished reading a very erotic version of Megilat Esther. Fine, so she souped it up quite a bit but the truth is, I believe there is at least some truth to it. Of course Achashverosh was horny and of course there was sex. It's a crazy story and everyone always tries to make it all nice. Hello!!! I mean, yeah, it seems like she saved the Jewish people but there are some parts of the story that are extremely difficult to understand in "good" "Jewish" terms.
QE
QE
Queen Esther
I sign my postings "QE." For those of you who don't know this, it stands for Queen Esther.
This week is actually Purim so it's quite an appropriate name for this week. Funny. Why did I choose that name? Oh, well there is one reason I don't want to write here because it could give away a little bit of who I am. And this is supposed to be an anonymous blog!
But anyway, thoughts of Queen Esther. I wonder who she really was. These Jewish stories get so bull shitted. You don't really know who the personalities were.
You know, there was a bit sort of paper mache statue that I just saw and this girl I was with said, "I hope it's not Queen Esther because Esther didn't dress so immodestly!"
Pisses me off. OK, so she had a bit of a low-cut neck on her dress. Hello!!! I mean, she was living with Achashveirosh, a very immoral man. Geez. I mean, I figure she had to do all sorts of not wonderful things. No? I'm guessing wearing a low-cut dress was the least of her problems. You think he just sat and looked at her all day? Who knows what he made her do.
That is what I figure. Am I right? I dunno. I'm curious. I think I'm gonna look this up online and see if there is anything interesting.
The stories are so stupid and shallow after a while. If this is truth (this meaning Judaism) it must be deeper than it's become. It is so goddamn dumb, shallow, stupid, boring and obvious.
QE : )
This week is actually Purim so it's quite an appropriate name for this week. Funny. Why did I choose that name? Oh, well there is one reason I don't want to write here because it could give away a little bit of who I am. And this is supposed to be an anonymous blog!
But anyway, thoughts of Queen Esther. I wonder who she really was. These Jewish stories get so bull shitted. You don't really know who the personalities were.
You know, there was a bit sort of paper mache statue that I just saw and this girl I was with said, "I hope it's not Queen Esther because Esther didn't dress so immodestly!"
Pisses me off. OK, so she had a bit of a low-cut neck on her dress. Hello!!! I mean, she was living with Achashveirosh, a very immoral man. Geez. I mean, I figure she had to do all sorts of not wonderful things. No? I'm guessing wearing a low-cut dress was the least of her problems. You think he just sat and looked at her all day? Who knows what he made her do.
That is what I figure. Am I right? I dunno. I'm curious. I think I'm gonna look this up online and see if there is anything interesting.
The stories are so stupid and shallow after a while. If this is truth (this meaning Judaism) it must be deeper than it's become. It is so goddamn dumb, shallow, stupid, boring and obvious.
QE : )
This week
Tomorrow I'm starting my new job. Scary. New people, new place, new things.
I really, really hope that I'll enjoy it. I really hope so!!!!! I wish so much that it'll be cool for me. I hope I won't be looking at the clock all night, waiting for the "day" to end. It would be a beautiful thing if that happens. That I realize it's the type of job where suddenly, it's 4:30 am (I can never remember what I've written here - the job is overnight, till 5 am) and I'll say, "Where did the time go!?"
Please let it be that way!
QE
I really, really hope that I'll enjoy it. I really hope so!!!!! I wish so much that it'll be cool for me. I hope I won't be looking at the clock all night, waiting for the "day" to end. It would be a beautiful thing if that happens. That I realize it's the type of job where suddenly, it's 4:30 am (I can never remember what I've written here - the job is overnight, till 5 am) and I'll say, "Where did the time go!?"
Please let it be that way!
QE
Depressia
Saturday night I always feel depressed. I just feel so down... It's a time to think about life. Another week has gone by. Another week is starting. Again and again and again...
This Shabbat I went to my friend's house. She had me and 3 other girls over. Her sister was there too. It was really nice. I tried to put as little "religious" pressure on myself as possible. For example, today everyone was supposed to go to the synagogue because there was a Torah reading that everyone is supposed to hear. I don't like going to synagogue so I didn't. I just didn't. I didn't explain anything to anyone. I just didn't plan with everyone else when they were deciding when to wake up. I just hung around the house until they came back.
But it's still not so comfortable. Once I've admitted that I really, truly don't feel connected to all these Jewish rituals, it's hard to just go along with them. I don't feel like washing, saying blessings before and after food. I don't feel like dressing in Shabbat clothes. I don't feel like going, "Oh that's so nice," about some words of Torah.
So I try as much as possible not to pressure myself but there are still basic things I feel I need to do. Really, just out of basic respect for the family who's house I'm in. If you don't know any better then fine. But I know what I'm "supposed" to do and it's wrong to just blatantly go against these basic things when in someone's home.
QE
This Shabbat I went to my friend's house. She had me and 3 other girls over. Her sister was there too. It was really nice. I tried to put as little "religious" pressure on myself as possible. For example, today everyone was supposed to go to the synagogue because there was a Torah reading that everyone is supposed to hear. I don't like going to synagogue so I didn't. I just didn't. I didn't explain anything to anyone. I just didn't plan with everyone else when they were deciding when to wake up. I just hung around the house until they came back.
But it's still not so comfortable. Once I've admitted that I really, truly don't feel connected to all these Jewish rituals, it's hard to just go along with them. I don't feel like washing, saying blessings before and after food. I don't feel like dressing in Shabbat clothes. I don't feel like going, "Oh that's so nice," about some words of Torah.
So I try as much as possible not to pressure myself but there are still basic things I feel I need to do. Really, just out of basic respect for the family who's house I'm in. If you don't know any better then fine. But I know what I'm "supposed" to do and it's wrong to just blatantly go against these basic things when in someone's home.
QE
Friday, March 10, 2006
I was picked up by my hairdresser
Tee hee... I decided I wanted to get my hair cut today. I called a "regular" hairdresser and they didn't have any time for me today. So, following a friend's recommendation, I went to the school for hairdressing. It's also a whole lot cheaper. And I'm brave when it comes to hair because I've shaved my hair and so I know it's OK. I always think, "Worse come to worse, I'll shave off my hair."
So I walked in and was sent to have my hair washed and cut by Rami. We were all shmoozing and slowly he started saying things that made me realize he liked me. Like, for example, when I said I'm going away, he said, "Take me with you." But that could just be like, "I also want to get out of here." But he told me that I look so much like a girl he had a crush on in high school. He said we have the same eyes. Tee hee... We were talking about life and stuff - my conversations often automatically go "deep," especially if someone starts talking to me about stupid, worthless things like money - and after a while he said to me, "Ani ohev et harosh shelach," which literally means, "I like your head." That was pretty funny because I thought he meant my head, literally. So we laughed and he said he meant the way I think.
After a while it was so obvious he was developing a crush on me, that his teacher (who was working on someone else's hair at the time) said to him, "Work professionally and if you really want, just ask her out for coffee." : )
Anyway, that type of thing continued but I wasn't freaked out. I was nervous because it makes me nervous and especially in this case, I wasn't sure what I should do if he asked me out. I'm so confused and complicated right now that I'm not sure it's a cool idea to just go out to coffee with some stranger-boy. On the other hand, what's the big deal. No, I don't mean that. I actually think it just might be a good thing.
When I left, I said thank you and he looked like he wasn't making any type of a move so I just left. I was a bit disappointed but what could I do. But then, when I came out of the bathroom, he was standing in the stairs and he said he wanted to ask me to coffee. I hesitated and he said, "Just say yes or no." I said, "1st of all, it's really flattering..." and he said, "But..." and I said, "No but. I just don't know what to say. I'm so complicated right now so I don't know what I should do." He said that he didn't think I ever would, but if I wanted to meet him sometime, I should just come to the school. I said that instead I'd take his phone number. So I did.
And he walked away.
My heart was going crazy... What to do... I started thinking, very seriously, that I should call him right then and ask him if he wanted to meet me. I felt like a scardy-cat that I didn't do it. I was walking through town with my mind racing. What should I do? What do I want to do? What should I do?!?!?!? Something in me really wanted to just call him right then. Just go out for a freakin' cup of coffee with the boy who was courageous enough to ask me out. The boy who I doubt anything will work out with him but I'd probably pretty much enjoy the cup of coffee. Damn! He was so brave. I love when guys are brave. Sigh sigh sigh.
But me and him are in such different places! I'm so scared of touching a guy. I don't know if that's even what I want. And these non-religious guys expect touch. I mean, it would seem so screwed up to them if I didn't wanna touch them.
I don't get why he'd want to go out with me anyway. I'm so not his type. He says he likes when girls put lots of effort into their hair, nails, etc. He said I should colour my hair, or something like that. I'm like, "No thanks!" He thought I should put more effort into my hair. But geez, what a waste of time, energy and money. I like my hair how it is.
Truth is, he puts more effort into his hair than I do into mine. That can't be good for a relationship. : )
Blah blah blah. Think think think think think think think think think..............
Bottom line, WHATEVER. That is the bottom line.
I'm just so complimented.
This is such a fucking journey. Full-fledged journey, man. Full-fledged. Or better said, it's a goddamn free-fall.
AND I'M FREE.....
FREE FALLING.......
QE
So I walked in and was sent to have my hair washed and cut by Rami. We were all shmoozing and slowly he started saying things that made me realize he liked me. Like, for example, when I said I'm going away, he said, "Take me with you." But that could just be like, "I also want to get out of here." But he told me that I look so much like a girl he had a crush on in high school. He said we have the same eyes. Tee hee... We were talking about life and stuff - my conversations often automatically go "deep," especially if someone starts talking to me about stupid, worthless things like money - and after a while he said to me, "Ani ohev et harosh shelach," which literally means, "I like your head." That was pretty funny because I thought he meant my head, literally. So we laughed and he said he meant the way I think.
After a while it was so obvious he was developing a crush on me, that his teacher (who was working on someone else's hair at the time) said to him, "Work professionally and if you really want, just ask her out for coffee." : )
Anyway, that type of thing continued but I wasn't freaked out. I was nervous because it makes me nervous and especially in this case, I wasn't sure what I should do if he asked me out. I'm so confused and complicated right now that I'm not sure it's a cool idea to just go out to coffee with some stranger-boy. On the other hand, what's the big deal. No, I don't mean that. I actually think it just might be a good thing.
When I left, I said thank you and he looked like he wasn't making any type of a move so I just left. I was a bit disappointed but what could I do. But then, when I came out of the bathroom, he was standing in the stairs and he said he wanted to ask me to coffee. I hesitated and he said, "Just say yes or no." I said, "1st of all, it's really flattering..." and he said, "But..." and I said, "No but. I just don't know what to say. I'm so complicated right now so I don't know what I should do." He said that he didn't think I ever would, but if I wanted to meet him sometime, I should just come to the school. I said that instead I'd take his phone number. So I did.
And he walked away.
My heart was going crazy... What to do... I started thinking, very seriously, that I should call him right then and ask him if he wanted to meet me. I felt like a scardy-cat that I didn't do it. I was walking through town with my mind racing. What should I do? What do I want to do? What should I do?!?!?!? Something in me really wanted to just call him right then. Just go out for a freakin' cup of coffee with the boy who was courageous enough to ask me out. The boy who I doubt anything will work out with him but I'd probably pretty much enjoy the cup of coffee. Damn! He was so brave. I love when guys are brave. Sigh sigh sigh.
But me and him are in such different places! I'm so scared of touching a guy. I don't know if that's even what I want. And these non-religious guys expect touch. I mean, it would seem so screwed up to them if I didn't wanna touch them.
I don't get why he'd want to go out with me anyway. I'm so not his type. He says he likes when girls put lots of effort into their hair, nails, etc. He said I should colour my hair, or something like that. I'm like, "No thanks!" He thought I should put more effort into my hair. But geez, what a waste of time, energy and money. I like my hair how it is.
Truth is, he puts more effort into his hair than I do into mine. That can't be good for a relationship. : )
Blah blah blah. Think think think think think think think think think..............
Bottom line, WHATEVER. That is the bottom line.
I'm just so complimented.
This is such a fucking journey. Full-fledged journey, man. Full-fledged. Or better said, it's a goddamn free-fall.
AND I'M FREE.....
FREE FALLING.......
QE
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Always feeling guilty
Why do I always have to feel so guilty? Why do I have to worry so much about what people think/feel about things I say/do/don't do/don't say? I hate it!
I took a job selling baseball tickets. It's an overnight job. But suddenly I remembered that if I work the regular hours Sunday night, I will be too tired to go to my beloved non-diet course Monday morning. So I called my new boss to tell him I would like to work until 2 am on Sunday instead of 5 am (well, it's actually Monday). It was an annoying conversation. He wasn't hearing me. He was running ahead with some crazy idea of going straight to the course after working all night and then crashing afterwards. I mentioned working till 2 am and he didn't really hear/listen to me. So then I said, "Are you not willing to be at all flexible with the hours?" to which he replied, "But you're not giving me any options!" to which I replied, "I want to work only till 2 am on Sundays." to which he replied, "OK. That I'm willing to do."
I'm such a nervous wreck right now, wondering what he thinks of me after this. Did I do anything wrong?
From my side, I did exactly what I needed to do. The main reason I'm sticking around here for another couple of months is because I want to finish the course which I love. So, if I were to take a job that didn't allow me to go to the course, I may as well just stop working and leave the country! It would be totally backwards! So, I needed to do that. Truth is, I'd even have said 1 am but I was afraid that was too chutzpadik.
From his side, how does this come across? I just accepted the job and I'm already changing the "rules?" Or can he see the logic? Is it really annoying for me? He really, really liked me in the interview and was very happy I was joining... How does that change how he'd feel after our conversation?
Blah blah blah blah blah... In short, I need to just get over feeling all nervous about this because hopefully it will work out and I did what I had to do. I'd be so much more upset if I didn't say anything. At least now he knows about this problem and it won't be a shocker when I need to figure out a solution (hopefully leaving at 2 am will be good enough a solution).
Why do I need to feel so badly? Why do I need to worry so much? I don't understand.
QE
I took a job selling baseball tickets. It's an overnight job. But suddenly I remembered that if I work the regular hours Sunday night, I will be too tired to go to my beloved non-diet course Monday morning. So I called my new boss to tell him I would like to work until 2 am on Sunday instead of 5 am (well, it's actually Monday). It was an annoying conversation. He wasn't hearing me. He was running ahead with some crazy idea of going straight to the course after working all night and then crashing afterwards. I mentioned working till 2 am and he didn't really hear/listen to me. So then I said, "Are you not willing to be at all flexible with the hours?" to which he replied, "But you're not giving me any options!" to which I replied, "I want to work only till 2 am on Sundays." to which he replied, "OK. That I'm willing to do."
I'm such a nervous wreck right now, wondering what he thinks of me after this. Did I do anything wrong?
From my side, I did exactly what I needed to do. The main reason I'm sticking around here for another couple of months is because I want to finish the course which I love. So, if I were to take a job that didn't allow me to go to the course, I may as well just stop working and leave the country! It would be totally backwards! So, I needed to do that. Truth is, I'd even have said 1 am but I was afraid that was too chutzpadik.
From his side, how does this come across? I just accepted the job and I'm already changing the "rules?" Or can he see the logic? Is it really annoying for me? He really, really liked me in the interview and was very happy I was joining... How does that change how he'd feel after our conversation?
Blah blah blah blah blah... In short, I need to just get over feeling all nervous about this because hopefully it will work out and I did what I had to do. I'd be so much more upset if I didn't say anything. At least now he knows about this problem and it won't be a shocker when I need to figure out a solution (hopefully leaving at 2 am will be good enough a solution).
Why do I need to feel so badly? Why do I need to worry so much? I don't understand.
QE
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I'm actually feeling happy... Oh no!
Today was my last day in one of my clinics. Yay oh yay oh yay. Today I had 2 interviews for 2 different possible temporary jobs. Both of them are over-night jobs. One is raising money for food baskets for hungry people for Pessach (Passover). The other one is selling baseball tickets. Guess what. I think I'm gonna take the baseball tickets one.
The hungry people job is in a very religious part of the city and they told me I need to cover my collar bones. No, 2 stickers on my bones isn't enough. You need your damn shirt to be done up to your neck. Fun, no?
They are doing amazing work. They are feeding thousands of hungry people. It's unbelievable, really. I'm a bit sad that I don't feel like that's the job I should take because it is a really good cause.
But, instead, I think I'm gonna try to sell baseball tickets. How totally hilarious. I'm going from being a dietitian to selling baseball tickets. Did I mention that yet?
Selling tickets in the middle of the night is a breath of fresh air for me. It is different. It is weird. It is a little silly but also worth while. In the interview I said, "I am not really a baseball fan. But in my opinion, going to a baseball game is to Joe Shmo what going to yoga is to me. We all need our outlets. Something that makes us feel great, happy, excited. Something that is 'For me.'"
I think that was cool. And what's really cool is that I truly do believe that. We need these things in our lives.
In the movie City Slickers, one of the friends says that when him and his dad had nothing in common, nothing to talk about, they could still always talk about baseball. Sucks they had such a bad relationship but cool they at least had something they could both relate to the same way.
Anyway, in general I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I still don't know what's gonna happen. Where I'm gonna be in 1 day, week, month, year. But it's great to be letting go of things that haven't been good for/to me. It's really wonderful. I just hope to God, or whoever, that I'll find something else instead.
So, I think I'm gonna sell baseball cards. I really hope I'm gonna be good at it. I'm so scared I'm not gonna be, even though, BIG DEAL! : ) I mean, so what if I'm not good at it? He'll regret hiring me. He may fire me, or I'll quit or we'll decide together I should leave. If it's not going well, then it just won't go well. The end. Big freakin' deal.
QE
The hungry people job is in a very religious part of the city and they told me I need to cover my collar bones. No, 2 stickers on my bones isn't enough. You need your damn shirt to be done up to your neck. Fun, no?
They are doing amazing work. They are feeding thousands of hungry people. It's unbelievable, really. I'm a bit sad that I don't feel like that's the job I should take because it is a really good cause.
But, instead, I think I'm gonna try to sell baseball tickets. How totally hilarious. I'm going from being a dietitian to selling baseball tickets. Did I mention that yet?
Selling tickets in the middle of the night is a breath of fresh air for me. It is different. It is weird. It is a little silly but also worth while. In the interview I said, "I am not really a baseball fan. But in my opinion, going to a baseball game is to Joe Shmo what going to yoga is to me. We all need our outlets. Something that makes us feel great, happy, excited. Something that is 'For me.'"
I think that was cool. And what's really cool is that I truly do believe that. We need these things in our lives.
In the movie City Slickers, one of the friends says that when him and his dad had nothing in common, nothing to talk about, they could still always talk about baseball. Sucks they had such a bad relationship but cool they at least had something they could both relate to the same way.
Anyway, in general I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I still don't know what's gonna happen. Where I'm gonna be in 1 day, week, month, year. But it's great to be letting go of things that haven't been good for/to me. It's really wonderful. I just hope to God, or whoever, that I'll find something else instead.
So, I think I'm gonna sell baseball cards. I really hope I'm gonna be good at it. I'm so scared I'm not gonna be, even though, BIG DEAL! : ) I mean, so what if I'm not good at it? He'll regret hiring me. He may fire me, or I'll quit or we'll decide together I should leave. If it's not going well, then it just won't go well. The end. Big freakin' deal.
QE
Saturday, March 04, 2006
The Surreal Shabbat
I didn't know how to spell surreal so I looked it up in dictionary.com. In case you're interested, it means:
Having an oddly dreamlike quality.
So true. This Shabbat was so surreal. I ended up having to leave my computer on for Shabbat so I ended up checking my email this morning. Just writing that is surreal. For those of you who don't know, in Orthodox Judaism, you don't actively use electricity. In other words, this was a blatant statement against keeping Shabbos. I was mechalel Shabbat. I "desecrated" the Shabbat.
Truth be told: It's not the 1st time I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do on Shabbat. I put cream on my hands. I use Vaseline. But to use the computer somehow seems "stronger" "worse." However you want to put it.
It makes me wanna barf. I don't know anything. I know nothing. All I know is what is making me feel bad. I know not where I'm going. I am nauseated. I'm scared.
The freaky thing is that it's not like lightening hits. It's not like it physically hurts to do something like what I did. What's freaky is that there is something totally normal feeling about it. That is so damn freaky. The world is not built in that way that you do bad, you feel bad, you do good, you feel good. It's much more complicated than that.
So there I was checking my email. I tried to use my external mouse and then remembered I'd detached it before Shabbat to use the USB port for something else. Amusingly, I couldn't fathom taking out the printer (that was the "something else") and plug in the mouse. So I just used the internal mouse. I opened up the program... It all felt so weird yet so normal. I looked out the window, wondering if a neighbor would look in and notice that I was sitting by my computer on Shabbat.
I got an email from my sister outside of Israel. She wrote me an email, talking to me as if I was only gonna read it after Shabbat was over here. Ha.
I quickly finished because I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing.
Then in the afternoon I went to visit the woman who has MS. We hung out for a couple of hours. I fed her and ate a little myself. We talked. It's good to have her to go to. I don't like Shabbat (well, really I don't like faking Shabbat) so it "killed" a few hours. But being by her isn't "killing" hours because they are hours well-spent.
She wanted me to light a cigarette for her but I told her I couldn't because it was Shabbat. I felt stupid.
QE
Having an oddly dreamlike quality.
So true. This Shabbat was so surreal. I ended up having to leave my computer on for Shabbat so I ended up checking my email this morning. Just writing that is surreal. For those of you who don't know, in Orthodox Judaism, you don't actively use electricity. In other words, this was a blatant statement against keeping Shabbos. I was mechalel Shabbat. I "desecrated" the Shabbat.
Truth be told: It's not the 1st time I'm doing something I'm not supposed to do on Shabbat. I put cream on my hands. I use Vaseline. But to use the computer somehow seems "stronger" "worse." However you want to put it.
It makes me wanna barf. I don't know anything. I know nothing. All I know is what is making me feel bad. I know not where I'm going. I am nauseated. I'm scared.
The freaky thing is that it's not like lightening hits. It's not like it physically hurts to do something like what I did. What's freaky is that there is something totally normal feeling about it. That is so damn freaky. The world is not built in that way that you do bad, you feel bad, you do good, you feel good. It's much more complicated than that.
So there I was checking my email. I tried to use my external mouse and then remembered I'd detached it before Shabbat to use the USB port for something else. Amusingly, I couldn't fathom taking out the printer (that was the "something else") and plug in the mouse. So I just used the internal mouse. I opened up the program... It all felt so weird yet so normal. I looked out the window, wondering if a neighbor would look in and notice that I was sitting by my computer on Shabbat.
I got an email from my sister outside of Israel. She wrote me an email, talking to me as if I was only gonna read it after Shabbat was over here. Ha.
I quickly finished because I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing.
Then in the afternoon I went to visit the woman who has MS. We hung out for a couple of hours. I fed her and ate a little myself. We talked. It's good to have her to go to. I don't like Shabbat (well, really I don't like faking Shabbat) so it "killed" a few hours. But being by her isn't "killing" hours because they are hours well-spent.
She wanted me to light a cigarette for her but I told her I couldn't because it was Shabbat. I felt stupid.
QE
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Is it possible to gain perspective? No, I think not
I volunteer with a woman who is in her 50's. She was diagnosed with MS (multiple sclerosis) at around the age of 38. She is almost totally paralyzed from the neck down. She speaks very unclearly. She needs help doing almost anything a person would want to do, if it's connected with moving.
On the other hand, though I woke up, stretched, walked to the bathroom, pulled down my pants all by myself, peed, flushed the toilet, washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror, maybe plucked some out-of-place eye-brow hair, walked to the computer, (woops! forgot to pull up my pants! kidding : )... All of this, all by myself. But does that mean I wasn't miserable today? No. I was, in fact, terribly, terribly miserable. This boy thing doesn't seem to be working out. I have no idea what's gonna be with myself. I have no idea if I'm ever going to be happy and I have no reason to believe I will be. I am so sad. I am so lonely.
But even though I was lying in bed, hardly functioning, I had told this woman I'd go be with her today so I finally got myself up, out of bed, dressed, ate something and went.
Then, I got cramps. Life SUCKS!!! So there I am running around town with her in her wheelchair and another 2 woman, shopping, and I'm miserable and my stomach is killing. For some reason the pain killers don't really work. : (((((
I don't see how looking at her can give me perspective. I mean, she can't move. That doesn't mean that life is good. If anything, it really does mean that life sucks.
There is the fact that she's religious. She became religious though her family is not. She believes in God even though (or maybe because) she is sick with a horrible disease. Awesome stuff.
When I came in she asked me what's up and what's doing with my plans to go to Vancouver. I told her she can't expect any answers about what I'm planning on doing because I have no idea in hell what I'm doing with myself. She said she also doesn't know what she's doing with herself. I said, "That's a crappy feeling," or something like that.
I guess the truth is that I'm less depressed than I was before I went, even though I had to drag myself around for hours. Definitely it's good I had to get out today, even though I have cramps. I suppose it makes a difference to get out.
Why are we here?!?!?!?! What could possibly give meaning to this crazy, ridiculous, run-in-circles life? How does it make any tiny bit of sense for us to be how we are, where we are?
So there are some beautiful things. There are touching things. There are crap things. There are sad as hell things. There are shit things. There are fucked up things. There are awesome things. There are lots and lots and lots of things. So much stuff. So much going on. So so so much.
How does any of it make sense...
QE
P.S. BTW, as you know, QE stands for Queen Esther. I'm not sure why I chose that name but it is now Adar which is the month of Purim which is the Jewish Holiday on which we read the scroll Esther which is about Queen Esther and Mordechai saving the Jews from being murdered by Haman and Achashveirosh. As someone ingenious once said, all the Jewish holidays can be summed up in one sentence: "They tried to kill us. We won. Lets eat!" : )
On the other hand, though I woke up, stretched, walked to the bathroom, pulled down my pants all by myself, peed, flushed the toilet, washed my hands, looked at myself in the mirror, maybe plucked some out-of-place eye-brow hair, walked to the computer, (woops! forgot to pull up my pants! kidding : )... All of this, all by myself. But does that mean I wasn't miserable today? No. I was, in fact, terribly, terribly miserable. This boy thing doesn't seem to be working out. I have no idea what's gonna be with myself. I have no idea if I'm ever going to be happy and I have no reason to believe I will be. I am so sad. I am so lonely.
But even though I was lying in bed, hardly functioning, I had told this woman I'd go be with her today so I finally got myself up, out of bed, dressed, ate something and went.
Then, I got cramps. Life SUCKS!!! So there I am running around town with her in her wheelchair and another 2 woman, shopping, and I'm miserable and my stomach is killing. For some reason the pain killers don't really work. : (((((
I don't see how looking at her can give me perspective. I mean, she can't move. That doesn't mean that life is good. If anything, it really does mean that life sucks.
There is the fact that she's religious. She became religious though her family is not. She believes in God even though (or maybe because) she is sick with a horrible disease. Awesome stuff.
When I came in she asked me what's up and what's doing with my plans to go to Vancouver. I told her she can't expect any answers about what I'm planning on doing because I have no idea in hell what I'm doing with myself. She said she also doesn't know what she's doing with herself. I said, "That's a crappy feeling," or something like that.
I guess the truth is that I'm less depressed than I was before I went, even though I had to drag myself around for hours. Definitely it's good I had to get out today, even though I have cramps. I suppose it makes a difference to get out.
Why are we here?!?!?!?! What could possibly give meaning to this crazy, ridiculous, run-in-circles life? How does it make any tiny bit of sense for us to be how we are, where we are?
So there are some beautiful things. There are touching things. There are crap things. There are sad as hell things. There are shit things. There are fucked up things. There are awesome things. There are lots and lots and lots of things. So much stuff. So much going on. So so so much.
How does any of it make sense...
QE
P.S. BTW, as you know, QE stands for Queen Esther. I'm not sure why I chose that name but it is now Adar which is the month of Purim which is the Jewish Holiday on which we read the scroll Esther which is about Queen Esther and Mordechai saving the Jews from being murdered by Haman and Achashveirosh. As someone ingenious once said, all the Jewish holidays can be summed up in one sentence: "They tried to kill us. We won. Lets eat!" : )
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