Lets build me a little, cube box and force myself in

That's my life in a nutshell. Actually, that saying is very fitting for this subject. It's like in Austin Power when he looks as if he's living in a nutshell. He says, "Oh, look! I am in a nutshell. This is me in a nutshell." : )

Forcing myself to fit into all these made-up frameworks. Be religious a certain way. A nutritionist a certain way. An eater a certain way. A thinker, girlfriend, daughter, sister, exerciser a certain way. Everything is set now all you have to do is fit in.

Oh, but, hmmmmmmmmm... what if you don't fit in? Sucks for you, right? Because it's your problem. You have to try to then change yourself to fit in.

Um... but what if the things you need to change in order to fit, aren't changeable?

Well, then you really are in deeeeeeep doody (shit, for those of you who don't know doody).

I always wonder if I have the same problems as everyone else. Not sure exactly why it matters but the question is, am I unique in this problem or is it a cultural/human problem? It's amazing how true it really is in my life at least.

I am from a religious family and though I feel so yucky, I hold on to the religion they have given me, for dear life. Yes, I feel I may as well die if I let go.

When I was 18 I did national service in a student organization. Spent too much time in an office all by myself with lots of annoying organizational work I don't enjoy. How long did it take me to admit that it wasn't for me and that wasn't going to change?

I learned in a religious institution. I felt so disconnected from what I was learning. I tried so hard to "feel" what I was learning. What I was reading. I tried so hard to feel connected. It took me so long to realize that it was no other problem than the fact that it wasn't for me!

I've spent the last year or so trying to figure out how I could be happy working as a nutritionist. Truth is, that is a little more complicated, maybe, because I'm looking into alternative ways to work as a nutritionist. But so often when something bothers me, I don't think, "This isn't for me," but instead I think, "What can I do so that I'll fit into this?"

Guys. Oh guys... I mean pretty much every time I've dated a guy more than 1-2 dates, I've spent most of the time trying to convince myself that maybe it could work. Even though I feel like it's not good, since he's nice and he has things about himself that I like, I try to figure out how it could work even though it can't really.

How often did those guys finally meet the right girl almost right after dating me?!

So that's me. Just picture me squishing into a cube box.

QE