Getting out

I can't sleep. I'm lying in bed thinking about so many things.

I started therapy today. With a clinical psychologist, actually. No cheap venture. Thank God Mom and Dad are paying for it.

She's very good, I think. I am so complex. It's quite amazing. I'm so stressed out during the session because I need to get to the subject I need to discuss and it's hard having a time frame of 50-60 minutes to stick to. I have such a hard time with that.

Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, one of the things we discussed was that I try to stick myself into little boxes that I don't really fit into.

Work, boy, therapy.

Work. I need to stop working where I'm working. I am definitely NOT built for that job. Not enough time with too many patients, telling them what to do and what not to do. It's like a hell on earth, really. I hate being pressured for time. I hate having to deal with so many people, different kinds of people, in one day and I hate telling people what to do, especially when I don't really believe in it myself.

Boy. He is nice. Yes, he's nice. So? He's nice nice nice nice nice nice... But it's not enough. I am not really connecting to him. I don't think I will. But it's getting so confusing. Is it really or do I make it confusing? I went crazy today trying to figure out if I should break up with him and in the end I just called him and we talked for around 1 hour. Is that the way to break up with a guy? I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate having to break up with someone. Why do I suddenly feel like it's always me? And if it is, is there something wrong with me?

Funny suddenly I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me because I break up with guys when really what I'm worried about is that there's something wrong with me because I don't break up with guys when I should. I need to wait and wait and wait until I can convince myself that it's not worth it to keep on trying.

How can I convince myself to stop dating a guy even if he has character traits that I like? It is so hard to do that. These guys that I go on more than 1 date with are so confusing to me because they have things I like about them - I enjoy their company, I think they are nice, normal, smart guys - so even if it's not happening, I can't stop dating them.

I am terrified that there is no such thing as something really, really good. And there is such conflicting opinions about that that it makes sense I feel this way. Maybe I am supposed to just take what I got. Maybe this really is AS GOOD AS IT GETS.

QE