Why in the world would anyone want to read a posting called, "Nothing new." It pretty much would mean that there will be nothing new to read here. Well, it doesn't mean that for sure but who wants to take the chance and possibly waste their time, just to find out if, in fact, there is nothing new or if, by chance, there is.
I called this posting "Nothing new" because that is how I feel. It's the same stuff going through my head and through my hands into the computer, over and over again. "I'm unhappy." "I don't know what I'm doing with myself." "The boy did this, the boy didn't do that."
Anyway, what can I do. This really is what's going on so I'm just gonna have to keep writing as much from the heart as possible, even if it seems redundant.
I was so unbelievably tired from yesterday. Interviewing all afternoon. And yet I'm still very unsure that it's the right thing for me to take a full-time job in my home-town right now because really I think I need to get away for a while. And once I take a full-time job here, I've decided a lot of things. I've decided to stay in my city at least for another few months (pretty much 4, minimum). I've decided that I am going to spend most of my waking hours working. That means I'm also deciding to stop a whole bunch of other things.
But maybe I'll love it. Maybe that is what I need. The bottom line is that I need a big change. This would be a big change. I've never worked full-time. I've never worked in a company like that. And though it's a telecommunications company, they decided to interview me for jobs in the office instead of jobs on the calling floor. That's cool.
Both the jobs I was interviewed for could really be interesting. They could be exciting (relatively), challenging (I hope not too challening!). The people who interviewed me all seemed really cool and nice. The whole place seemed nice.
QE
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
So tired
I am worn out. So much is going on. Last night I told my mother I'm dating a non-religious guy and she's so sad and hurt by it. Meanwhile, the guy isn't calling me back which makes me sad and hurt. Also, I went to a recruitment day at a company in my city and ended up spending almost 4 hours there, being interviewed by 4 different people. 4 interviews in one day!!! It's possible that is making me tired more than anything else.
I'm quitting my job so now I'm at the point of telling all the people who come to me that in a couple of weeks I won't be there for them anymore. Now I find it amusing that one of the things I considered when thinking about quitting, was leaving my patients. I felt guilty to do it. But, though I do feel badly about it, it's no good reason to stay in the job.
So I interviewed for 2 different jobs. Both in an office doing office work either in connection to recruitment or purchasing. It's crazy how as a company gets big, every part of it becomes an entity unto itself. It's a great company. I was so impressed. Very nice atmosphere. Very nice people.
I am so worn out. I don't know what to do. I need help. I need help. I'm typing with my eyes closed, I'm so worn out. I need help. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to.
I feel very, very alone. I am alone. I feel very sad. I feel very hurt. I am in pain.
I am free-falling. I have no idea what's going on. What's going to happen. What's supposed to happen. Nothing can prove to me that it'll be good.
I feel like I'm supposedly opening up the world to myself but on the other hand I feel like the exact opposite. Nothing really is open to me. Nothing seems like a good option to me.
There is something that sort of seems like a good idea to me. Tzfat (Safed). Tzfat is beautiful. It is special. I connected to a couple of people while I was up there. I bet you I could get a job, rent a place, and live there for a bit. Maybe I could have a cute little life there, while going to classes by the woman whom I loved from up there. I feel like she could appreciate and understand where I am. I wonder if she could...
QE
I'm quitting my job so now I'm at the point of telling all the people who come to me that in a couple of weeks I won't be there for them anymore. Now I find it amusing that one of the things I considered when thinking about quitting, was leaving my patients. I felt guilty to do it. But, though I do feel badly about it, it's no good reason to stay in the job.
So I interviewed for 2 different jobs. Both in an office doing office work either in connection to recruitment or purchasing. It's crazy how as a company gets big, every part of it becomes an entity unto itself. It's a great company. I was so impressed. Very nice atmosphere. Very nice people.
I am so worn out. I don't know what to do. I need help. I need help. I'm typing with my eyes closed, I'm so worn out. I need help. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to.
I feel very, very alone. I am alone. I feel very sad. I feel very hurt. I am in pain.
I am free-falling. I have no idea what's going on. What's going to happen. What's supposed to happen. Nothing can prove to me that it'll be good.
I feel like I'm supposedly opening up the world to myself but on the other hand I feel like the exact opposite. Nothing really is open to me. Nothing seems like a good option to me.
There is something that sort of seems like a good idea to me. Tzfat (Safed). Tzfat is beautiful. It is special. I connected to a couple of people while I was up there. I bet you I could get a job, rent a place, and live there for a bit. Maybe I could have a cute little life there, while going to classes by the woman whom I loved from up there. I feel like she could appreciate and understand where I am. I wonder if she could...
QE
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Intensity is not the word
I just came back from another 1st date. Seriously, I don't know what to think. It was so intense! And this after returning from Shabbat in Tzfat (Safed) in the Galil (Galilee). Gorgeous place. Up in high mountains with lots of rolling mountains to look at almost every place you turn. Lots of very spiritually aware people, striving to understand God and everything that he is (the world, themselves...). Lots of talking about the deeper meanings of things.
Then I went out with this guy. I saw his profile online. He sounds very special. His pictures were pretty cute.
He is so different than the picture I'd drawn for myself in my head. He looks quite different than his pictures. You can see that they are him (I just looked at his profile again) but he looks so different.
In general I'm getting bad feelings. It was, as I said, so intense. We were talking almost the whole time about my issues. Religious, mostly. But he's very sure of himself and I felt like he kept telling me what to do. I felt like it was coming from a place of wanting to support/help but that's not what I need. I need support. The kind that just is there next to you, holding your hand. Maybe a little nudge here and there but not right out, "You should go there," or, "You should do that." If anything it's one more thing/person trying to tell me what to do. Even if it's coming from a place of him wanting me to finally really do what I need/want to do, it's not the right way to get me to do it.
I wonder if it hadn't been like that, how it would have been?
He writes in his letter/profile that he thinks he knows everything but laughs because he knows he knows nothing. Well, I can see that he knows tons and does think he knows TONS. But that doesn't mean he can tell me what I should do.
I loved a few things about him. First of all, he's very cute. Also, he's smart. He thinks. He really tries, and usually is, a good listener. He cares about other people's feelings. He wants to be nice. He is nice.
He has great, innovative ideas.
I'm almost 100% sure I'd go out with him again but I'm not sure I can take the intensity. I don't mean 1 more time. I suppose I could do that... I mean in general.
QE
Then I went out with this guy. I saw his profile online. He sounds very special. His pictures were pretty cute.
He is so different than the picture I'd drawn for myself in my head. He looks quite different than his pictures. You can see that they are him (I just looked at his profile again) but he looks so different.
In general I'm getting bad feelings. It was, as I said, so intense. We were talking almost the whole time about my issues. Religious, mostly. But he's very sure of himself and I felt like he kept telling me what to do. I felt like it was coming from a place of wanting to support/help but that's not what I need. I need support. The kind that just is there next to you, holding your hand. Maybe a little nudge here and there but not right out, "You should go there," or, "You should do that." If anything it's one more thing/person trying to tell me what to do. Even if it's coming from a place of him wanting me to finally really do what I need/want to do, it's not the right way to get me to do it.
I wonder if it hadn't been like that, how it would have been?
He writes in his letter/profile that he thinks he knows everything but laughs because he knows he knows nothing. Well, I can see that he knows tons and does think he knows TONS. But that doesn't mean he can tell me what I should do.
I loved a few things about him. First of all, he's very cute. Also, he's smart. He thinks. He really tries, and usually is, a good listener. He cares about other people's feelings. He wants to be nice. He is nice.
He has great, innovative ideas.
I'm almost 100% sure I'd go out with him again but I'm not sure I can take the intensity. I don't mean 1 more time. I suppose I could do that... I mean in general.
QE
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Change, faster than I can breath
I feel like my mind is working a million miles a minute. I feel like I should have tons to write but instead I'm drawing a blank. I wish I could more easily write about my feelings. But instead it's so much easier for me to write about things that are going on.
I met a new guy. I found him online. I could totally see how our souls might click and we might fall madly in love with each other. We have similar things. We both are very truthful and we both put lots of importance on being nice to people. He comes from a screwed up family and I don't. He doesn't want to copy what he saw at home. He believes it's possible to change. He's searching for truth. He's having a hard time finding truth. Same same same.
Besides that, now that I'm quitting, I'm thinking of running away to a far-off land. Just get away from things I'm familiar with for a while. And that which is familiar with me. I feel I need to get away. There is definitely sense in this but it's scary. Really, really scary.
QE
I met a new guy. I found him online. I could totally see how our souls might click and we might fall madly in love with each other. We have similar things. We both are very truthful and we both put lots of importance on being nice to people. He comes from a screwed up family and I don't. He doesn't want to copy what he saw at home. He believes it's possible to change. He's searching for truth. He's having a hard time finding truth. Same same same.
Besides that, now that I'm quitting, I'm thinking of running away to a far-off land. Just get away from things I'm familiar with for a while. And that which is familiar with me. I feel I need to get away. There is definitely sense in this but it's scary. Really, really scary.
QE
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Daring to live
Do I dare to live? Do I dare to experience? Do I dare to let things happen in the fullest way possible, be it "good" or "bad?"
Dare I dream? Dare I believe? Dare I believe that things can be better. Things can be good. Things can... could they?... be great.
Things can be great. Life can be wonderful. Things can happen that are so much more awesome than anything I've ever experienced that I can't imagine it.
But I don't dare to hope too strongly. I'm too scared.
QE
Dare I dream? Dare I believe? Dare I believe that things can be better. Things can be good. Things can... could they?... be great.
Things can be great. Life can be wonderful. Things can happen that are so much more awesome than anything I've ever experienced that I can't imagine it.
But I don't dare to hope too strongly. I'm too scared.
QE
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Pride
Doing what you believe in can cause guilt, embarrassment. Often it can be very different than what the people around you do or believe should be done. You're going against the crowd. YOU ARE DIFFERENT.
It isn't easy being different. But it is a great and awesome thing, doing what you believe is right. It is difficult but it is freedom. It is true being.
Meaning or no meaning in this world, that might be the question. But by doing what you know must be done, that is the only true way of moving towards the true meaning, be there meaning or not.
I quit my job. I now have to deal with all my bosses, my secretaries (I work in a few different clinics), my patients. My parents, grandmother and other people. So many people are involved in my quitting! It's amazing how many people it affects.
But it matters not in the slightest, how much people understand what you do.
When I told a friend of mine today that I quit my job, she said, "Good for you!" That was the exact thing I needed to hear. We aren't that close so she hardly has any idea what it's been like for me in my job. But she said she's sure I know what's best for me so she's really excited for me.
Excitement. Lack of guilt. Living. Going with what is. Experiencing this experience for everything it's worth.
QE
It isn't easy being different. But it is a great and awesome thing, doing what you believe is right. It is difficult but it is freedom. It is true being.
Meaning or no meaning in this world, that might be the question. But by doing what you know must be done, that is the only true way of moving towards the true meaning, be there meaning or not.
I quit my job. I now have to deal with all my bosses, my secretaries (I work in a few different clinics), my patients. My parents, grandmother and other people. So many people are involved in my quitting! It's amazing how many people it affects.
But it matters not in the slightest, how much people understand what you do.
When I told a friend of mine today that I quit my job, she said, "Good for you!" That was the exact thing I needed to hear. We aren't that close so she hardly has any idea what it's been like for me in my job. But she said she's sure I know what's best for me so she's really excited for me.
Excitement. Lack of guilt. Living. Going with what is. Experiencing this experience for everything it's worth.
QE
Update on my emotional state
So it turns out it totally makes sense that I'm freaking out. I have turned my life upside down - without knowing what upside down is - in the course of around 3 days. I have taken action to let go of things which grounded me but made me feel trapped because they weren't really good for me - the guy, the job, my religion - without knowing what is good for me. I don't have any idea in the world, where I'm going to end up. I don't know what will really make me happy. I am terrified to make any decisions though I feel I need to.
Yes, I'm freaked out and that is totally cool.
Turns out I believe in myself, if I could do this. Otherwise, I would not be able to do this.
Also, turns out it's really difficult to be different. To not fit in exactly how I should fit in. I'm different. I figure one can spend their whole lives trying to get used to being different. It's so easy to feel guilty about the difference. But the difference is what will make me happy in the end. It is what will make me really understand who and what I am.
It's hard as hell but it is what needs to happen.
QE
Yes, I'm freaked out and that is totally cool.
Turns out I believe in myself, if I could do this. Otherwise, I would not be able to do this.
Also, turns out it's really difficult to be different. To not fit in exactly how I should fit in. I'm different. I figure one can spend their whole lives trying to get used to being different. It's so easy to feel guilty about the difference. But the difference is what will make me happy in the end. It is what will make me really understand who and what I am.
It's hard as hell but it is what needs to happen.
QE
I am totally freaked out
Oh my God. I am so freaked out. I don't know what to do with myself. I am quitting my job and I don't have an idea in hell of what I want to be doing. I say the world is my oyster but that is bull shit because whenever I think or consider any of the ideas I have, up close, I freak out and say to myself, "I can't do it."
I am terrified to try anything new. I'm terrified of the commitment. I'm terrified I'm going to be terrible at it and/or I'm gonna hate it. I'm gonna suffer.
I have this guy waiting for me to tell him if I want to work for him. But at the same time I'm considering going away for a while... How can I take on a job when I don't know what I'm doing with my life? But on the other hand, I hesitate to let this job slip away. It doesn't pay especially well (minimum wage) but it's interesting and a real change from what I've been doing.
I'm seriously freaking out. I don't know what to do... I really don't know what to do.
QE
I am terrified to try anything new. I'm terrified of the commitment. I'm terrified I'm going to be terrible at it and/or I'm gonna hate it. I'm gonna suffer.
I have this guy waiting for me to tell him if I want to work for him. But at the same time I'm considering going away for a while... How can I take on a job when I don't know what I'm doing with my life? But on the other hand, I hesitate to let this job slip away. It doesn't pay especially well (minimum wage) but it's interesting and a real change from what I've been doing.
I'm seriously freaking out. I don't know what to do... I really don't know what to do.
QE
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Mindfulness, unmindefulness, oysters, beginning-life crisis
Wow wow wow. What is going to be with me? I'm going "down hill" religiously. I am quitting my job and have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do. I've thought of going away but I'm not sure that is for me. On the other hand, there is nothing around here I want to do so maybe it would help to go away for a while.
I'm so tired.
QE
I'm so tired.
QE
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Changes make the world go 'round
Yesterday was change day. I told the nice boy that I didn't want to keep dating. It wasn't going anywhere and turns out he agreed. It's annoying because he was such a scardy-cat the whole time. He's forsure been feeling like this for at least a few days but I'm the one who had to psych myself up to "do it." Really annoying I need a brave boy who does things.
Also, I told my work I'm quitting. Wow. Talk about scary and exciting. I was so freakin' miserable already. Problem is I sort of need to continue till the middle of April. Actually, that comes out to be a few days before Passover. That's cool.
I interviewed for a totally different kind of job yesterday. I have to decide if I want to try it out. It's a new importing exporting business that's just trying to get off the ground. No idea if that is actually going to happen. I guess you never do know if it's gonna happen, right?
The guy is a little eccentric. Very intelligent. Has a lot to say. Thinks non-stop about everything. Is very nice and is sensitive to other people. AKA, he's understanding towards other people's situations. We were talking about having a trial period and he said that though he thinks it's important to give it at least 3 months, if I were to see I'm really not happy, he'd understand if I left before that. Very nice.
And then I'm just thinking of dropping everything and going to spend some time abroad.
QE
Also, I told my work I'm quitting. Wow. Talk about scary and exciting. I was so freakin' miserable already. Problem is I sort of need to continue till the middle of April. Actually, that comes out to be a few days before Passover. That's cool.
I interviewed for a totally different kind of job yesterday. I have to decide if I want to try it out. It's a new importing exporting business that's just trying to get off the ground. No idea if that is actually going to happen. I guess you never do know if it's gonna happen, right?
The guy is a little eccentric. Very intelligent. Has a lot to say. Thinks non-stop about everything. Is very nice and is sensitive to other people. AKA, he's understanding towards other people's situations. We were talking about having a trial period and he said that though he thinks it's important to give it at least 3 months, if I were to see I'm really not happy, he'd understand if I left before that. Very nice.
And then I'm just thinking of dropping everything and going to spend some time abroad.
QE
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Knock me down, why don't you
It's amazing how upset it made me when I read the comment on my post called, "Getting out." He (I figure it's a he) said that because I live in the West, I shouldn't need therapy.
Now I'm much less upset by it but when I first read it, I was really, really upset. I wished I had some way to answer him. But I don't.
I just find it fascinating how strongly it affected me.
I felt like telling him that, oh, by the way, I have been in a couple of wars so better not say things before you know what you're talking about. For the record, they were wars that by me it didn't end up being too serious but at the time - terrifying.
Also, I find it interesting that he doesn't see any reason someone would need therapy if they live in the Western world. It's true that you shouldn't spend your whole life philosophizing (though truthful, do we really know what we should be doing with our lives?) but therapy isn't something that is supposed to be a waste of time. It is something that is supposed to help you function better.
I know for myself that I have so many issues I deal with constantly. I have character traits that make me have a really difficult time with life. I serious sometimes feel like I'm so low-functioning.
I'm a people pleaser. I'm extremely caught up in what people think about me (which is one of the things that made me start this blog because I was wondering if I'd be able to "be myself" if it's anonymous). I have serious religious issues and I don't know what to do with them. AND MORE! Coming soon to a theatre near you!
Anyway, if someone wants to help themselves. They are proactive about it by going to therapy, or doing whatever they think will be best for themselves, that should be looked at positively.
QE
Now I'm much less upset by it but when I first read it, I was really, really upset. I wished I had some way to answer him. But I don't.
I just find it fascinating how strongly it affected me.
I felt like telling him that, oh, by the way, I have been in a couple of wars so better not say things before you know what you're talking about. For the record, they were wars that by me it didn't end up being too serious but at the time - terrifying.
Also, I find it interesting that he doesn't see any reason someone would need therapy if they live in the Western world. It's true that you shouldn't spend your whole life philosophizing (though truthful, do we really know what we should be doing with our lives?) but therapy isn't something that is supposed to be a waste of time. It is something that is supposed to help you function better.
I know for myself that I have so many issues I deal with constantly. I have character traits that make me have a really difficult time with life. I serious sometimes feel like I'm so low-functioning.
I'm a people pleaser. I'm extremely caught up in what people think about me (which is one of the things that made me start this blog because I was wondering if I'd be able to "be myself" if it's anonymous). I have serious religious issues and I don't know what to do with them. AND MORE! Coming soon to a theatre near you!
Anyway, if someone wants to help themselves. They are proactive about it by going to therapy, or doing whatever they think will be best for themselves, that should be looked at positively.
QE
How do I hate my job? Let me count the ways
1. I hate telling people what to do. Do this, don't do that. Eat this, don't eat that. And if you don't listen to me, that means there is something wrong with you.
2. I don't totally trust what I tell people. Like, when the guy comes in with high cholesterol, I don't truly believe that what I'm telling him to do can help. Maybe I'm telling him the opposite of what he really should do.
3. I don't really know how to help people change. Telling them what they need to change isn't exactly the most efficient way to help people change. If anything, it's only detrimental. They won't be able to do what I tell them to do and then they'll feel badly about themselves as if they failed when they weren't ready for those changes to begin with.
4. My patients have a different goal than I have for them. They want to be Twiggy. I want them to be healthy. OK, so they also want to be healthy but the most important thing is for them to be thin. "Luckily" being Twiggy and healthy supposedly go together but I don't believe they necessarily do. If anything, the weight obsession, whether you're thin or not, is one of the most unhealthy things you're doing to yourself. It leads to an extreme state of lack of emotional health. You hate yourself. And yet it's all a myth you built up in your own mind.
I'm sure more on my hating my job, to come.
QE
2. I don't totally trust what I tell people. Like, when the guy comes in with high cholesterol, I don't truly believe that what I'm telling him to do can help. Maybe I'm telling him the opposite of what he really should do.
3. I don't really know how to help people change. Telling them what they need to change isn't exactly the most efficient way to help people change. If anything, it's only detrimental. They won't be able to do what I tell them to do and then they'll feel badly about themselves as if they failed when they weren't ready for those changes to begin with.
4. My patients have a different goal than I have for them. They want to be Twiggy. I want them to be healthy. OK, so they also want to be healthy but the most important thing is for them to be thin. "Luckily" being Twiggy and healthy supposedly go together but I don't believe they necessarily do. If anything, the weight obsession, whether you're thin or not, is one of the most unhealthy things you're doing to yourself. It leads to an extreme state of lack of emotional health. You hate yourself. And yet it's all a myth you built up in your own mind.
I'm sure more on my hating my job, to come.
QE
Monday, February 13, 2006
I feel like shit
I was hardly able to sleep last night. Had so much on my mind. It was going wild. Woke up a few times. And my alarm clock was supposed to go off at 6:30am and I woke up around 3 minutes before it. Horrible torture not sleeping enough.
Then, when I got to my course this morning (I'm taking a course once a week which maybe I'll talk about later), my friend and I went to buy ourselves coffee. We asked for it to be weak and I think it wasn't or I was really affected by the small amount of caffeine that was in there. Whichever it was, I've been nervous and shaky ever since. I forced myself to eat my sandwich during the break even though I didn't really feel like it because if I didn't, I think I'd be worse off.
But I just have so much on my mind and I don't know how to calm down. I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't know what to do with myself.
If I could do anything, what would it be?
I'd quit my job right now and the relationship with the guy.
But when I write about the guy, I have such an inner struggle.
I think I don't know what to expect from a relationship. I think I don't know how to trust myself.
QE
Then, when I got to my course this morning (I'm taking a course once a week which maybe I'll talk about later), my friend and I went to buy ourselves coffee. We asked for it to be weak and I think it wasn't or I was really affected by the small amount of caffeine that was in there. Whichever it was, I've been nervous and shaky ever since. I forced myself to eat my sandwich during the break even though I didn't really feel like it because if I didn't, I think I'd be worse off.
But I just have so much on my mind and I don't know how to calm down. I don't know what to do with my life.
I don't know what to do with myself.
If I could do anything, what would it be?
I'd quit my job right now and the relationship with the guy.
But when I write about the guy, I have such an inner struggle.
I think I don't know what to expect from a relationship. I think I don't know how to trust myself.
QE
Sunday, February 12, 2006
The potential is so great
Imagine... What you could be living is way beyond what you can even imagine.
Imagine... You could work on yourself so that in 1 month from now you are aware in a way you never knew existed.
Imagine... You could be happier and more content than you know is possible.
Imagine. We don't understand things. We know almost nothing. We don't know what we should be striving for. We don't know things until we learn them. Until we experience them. We have no idea. All we know is that it could be good. We could be happier.
QE
Imagine... You could work on yourself so that in 1 month from now you are aware in a way you never knew existed.
Imagine... You could be happier and more content than you know is possible.
Imagine. We don't understand things. We know almost nothing. We don't know what we should be striving for. We don't know things until we learn them. Until we experience them. We have no idea. All we know is that it could be good. We could be happier.
QE
Holding on for dear life
There are endless amounts of things that I hold onto for dear life. Not great relationships, jobs, religion. It's like the same way other people hold onto disordered eating, hairstyles, bad character traits, moldy ideas.
Why do I need to hold on? What am I scared of?
Scared?! I'm TERRIFIED!!! Terrified of the unknown. So terrified that considering making changes in anything keeps me up at night thinking, thinking, thinking... Worrying about what will happen. As if staying up an extra hour, worrying, is going to help me know really what is going to happen.
Funny how wasteful that is. It's backwards. If I'm trying to make changes, I should be especially rested for the "trip." Instead, I'm up worrying.
I wrote a poem (I may have mentioned it) called something like, "When it's time to fall, fall." It's about needing to fall but not wanting to let go but needing to because otherwise you may never live.
You may never really live.
You may waste your 80 years on worrying, holding on to crap, worrying about what others will think, worrying worrying...
YOU MAY NEVER LIVE.
YOU MAY NEVER LIVE.
You might never actually really, truly, wonderfully, amazingly, vitally live. You might only do this and that. You might love a little. You might have some fun. You might have some good experiences.
But it will be nothing compared to what you could be doing/experiencing/loving.
I work so hard trying to be who I'm supposed to be that I'm not really living. Well, hardly.
QE
Why do I need to hold on? What am I scared of?
Scared?! I'm TERRIFIED!!! Terrified of the unknown. So terrified that considering making changes in anything keeps me up at night thinking, thinking, thinking... Worrying about what will happen. As if staying up an extra hour, worrying, is going to help me know really what is going to happen.
Funny how wasteful that is. It's backwards. If I'm trying to make changes, I should be especially rested for the "trip." Instead, I'm up worrying.
I wrote a poem (I may have mentioned it) called something like, "When it's time to fall, fall." It's about needing to fall but not wanting to let go but needing to because otherwise you may never live.
You may never really live.
You may waste your 80 years on worrying, holding on to crap, worrying about what others will think, worrying worrying...
YOU MAY NEVER LIVE.
YOU MAY NEVER LIVE.
You might never actually really, truly, wonderfully, amazingly, vitally live. You might only do this and that. You might love a little. You might have some fun. You might have some good experiences.
But it will be nothing compared to what you could be doing/experiencing/loving.
I work so hard trying to be who I'm supposed to be that I'm not really living. Well, hardly.
QE
Getting out
I can't sleep. I'm lying in bed thinking about so many things.
I started therapy today. With a clinical psychologist, actually. No cheap venture. Thank God Mom and Dad are paying for it.
She's very good, I think. I am so complex. It's quite amazing. I'm so stressed out during the session because I need to get to the subject I need to discuss and it's hard having a time frame of 50-60 minutes to stick to. I have such a hard time with that.
Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, one of the things we discussed was that I try to stick myself into little boxes that I don't really fit into.
Work, boy, therapy.
Work. I need to stop working where I'm working. I am definitely NOT built for that job. Not enough time with too many patients, telling them what to do and what not to do. It's like a hell on earth, really. I hate being pressured for time. I hate having to deal with so many people, different kinds of people, in one day and I hate telling people what to do, especially when I don't really believe in it myself.
Boy. He is nice. Yes, he's nice. So? He's nice nice nice nice nice nice... But it's not enough. I am not really connecting to him. I don't think I will. But it's getting so confusing. Is it really or do I make it confusing? I went crazy today trying to figure out if I should break up with him and in the end I just called him and we talked for around 1 hour. Is that the way to break up with a guy? I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate having to break up with someone. Why do I suddenly feel like it's always me? And if it is, is there something wrong with me?
Funny suddenly I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me because I break up with guys when really what I'm worried about is that there's something wrong with me because I don't break up with guys when I should. I need to wait and wait and wait until I can convince myself that it's not worth it to keep on trying.
How can I convince myself to stop dating a guy even if he has character traits that I like? It is so hard to do that. These guys that I go on more than 1 date with are so confusing to me because they have things I like about them - I enjoy their company, I think they are nice, normal, smart guys - so even if it's not happening, I can't stop dating them.
I am terrified that there is no such thing as something really, really good. And there is such conflicting opinions about that that it makes sense I feel this way. Maybe I am supposed to just take what I got. Maybe this really is AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
QE
I started therapy today. With a clinical psychologist, actually. No cheap venture. Thank God Mom and Dad are paying for it.
She's very good, I think. I am so complex. It's quite amazing. I'm so stressed out during the session because I need to get to the subject I need to discuss and it's hard having a time frame of 50-60 minutes to stick to. I have such a hard time with that.
Anyway, as I mentioned earlier, one of the things we discussed was that I try to stick myself into little boxes that I don't really fit into.
Work, boy, therapy.
Work. I need to stop working where I'm working. I am definitely NOT built for that job. Not enough time with too many patients, telling them what to do and what not to do. It's like a hell on earth, really. I hate being pressured for time. I hate having to deal with so many people, different kinds of people, in one day and I hate telling people what to do, especially when I don't really believe in it myself.
Boy. He is nice. Yes, he's nice. So? He's nice nice nice nice nice nice... But it's not enough. I am not really connecting to him. I don't think I will. But it's getting so confusing. Is it really or do I make it confusing? I went crazy today trying to figure out if I should break up with him and in the end I just called him and we talked for around 1 hour. Is that the way to break up with a guy? I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate having to break up with someone. Why do I suddenly feel like it's always me? And if it is, is there something wrong with me?
Funny suddenly I'm wondering if there is something wrong with me because I break up with guys when really what I'm worried about is that there's something wrong with me because I don't break up with guys when I should. I need to wait and wait and wait until I can convince myself that it's not worth it to keep on trying.
How can I convince myself to stop dating a guy even if he has character traits that I like? It is so hard to do that. These guys that I go on more than 1 date with are so confusing to me because they have things I like about them - I enjoy their company, I think they are nice, normal, smart guys - so even if it's not happening, I can't stop dating them.
I am terrified that there is no such thing as something really, really good. And there is such conflicting opinions about that that it makes sense I feel this way. Maybe I am supposed to just take what I got. Maybe this really is AS GOOD AS IT GETS.
QE
Lets build me a little, cube box and force myself in
That's my life in a nutshell. Actually, that saying is very fitting for this subject. It's like in Austin Power when he looks as if he's living in a nutshell. He says, "Oh, look! I am in a nutshell. This is me in a nutshell." : )
Forcing myself to fit into all these made-up frameworks. Be religious a certain way. A nutritionist a certain way. An eater a certain way. A thinker, girlfriend, daughter, sister, exerciser a certain way. Everything is set now all you have to do is fit in.
Oh, but, hmmmmmmmmm... what if you don't fit in? Sucks for you, right? Because it's your problem. You have to try to then change yourself to fit in.
Um... but what if the things you need to change in order to fit, aren't changeable?
Well, then you really are in deeeeeeep doody (shit, for those of you who don't know doody).
I always wonder if I have the same problems as everyone else. Not sure exactly why it matters but the question is, am I unique in this problem or is it a cultural/human problem? It's amazing how true it really is in my life at least.
I am from a religious family and though I feel so yucky, I hold on to the religion they have given me, for dear life. Yes, I feel I may as well die if I let go.
When I was 18 I did national service in a student organization. Spent too much time in an office all by myself with lots of annoying organizational work I don't enjoy. How long did it take me to admit that it wasn't for me and that wasn't going to change?
I learned in a religious institution. I felt so disconnected from what I was learning. I tried so hard to "feel" what I was learning. What I was reading. I tried so hard to feel connected. It took me so long to realize that it was no other problem than the fact that it wasn't for me!
I've spent the last year or so trying to figure out how I could be happy working as a nutritionist. Truth is, that is a little more complicated, maybe, because I'm looking into alternative ways to work as a nutritionist. But so often when something bothers me, I don't think, "This isn't for me," but instead I think, "What can I do so that I'll fit into this?"
Guys. Oh guys... I mean pretty much every time I've dated a guy more than 1-2 dates, I've spent most of the time trying to convince myself that maybe it could work. Even though I feel like it's not good, since he's nice and he has things about himself that I like, I try to figure out how it could work even though it can't really.
How often did those guys finally meet the right girl almost right after dating me?!
So that's me. Just picture me squishing into a cube box.
QE
Forcing myself to fit into all these made-up frameworks. Be religious a certain way. A nutritionist a certain way. An eater a certain way. A thinker, girlfriend, daughter, sister, exerciser a certain way. Everything is set now all you have to do is fit in.
Oh, but, hmmmmmmmmm... what if you don't fit in? Sucks for you, right? Because it's your problem. You have to try to then change yourself to fit in.
Um... but what if the things you need to change in order to fit, aren't changeable?
Well, then you really are in deeeeeeep doody (shit, for those of you who don't know doody).
I always wonder if I have the same problems as everyone else. Not sure exactly why it matters but the question is, am I unique in this problem or is it a cultural/human problem? It's amazing how true it really is in my life at least.
I am from a religious family and though I feel so yucky, I hold on to the religion they have given me, for dear life. Yes, I feel I may as well die if I let go.
When I was 18 I did national service in a student organization. Spent too much time in an office all by myself with lots of annoying organizational work I don't enjoy. How long did it take me to admit that it wasn't for me and that wasn't going to change?
I learned in a religious institution. I felt so disconnected from what I was learning. I tried so hard to "feel" what I was learning. What I was reading. I tried so hard to feel connected. It took me so long to realize that it was no other problem than the fact that it wasn't for me!
I've spent the last year or so trying to figure out how I could be happy working as a nutritionist. Truth is, that is a little more complicated, maybe, because I'm looking into alternative ways to work as a nutritionist. But so often when something bothers me, I don't think, "This isn't for me," but instead I think, "What can I do so that I'll fit into this?"
Guys. Oh guys... I mean pretty much every time I've dated a guy more than 1-2 dates, I've spent most of the time trying to convince myself that maybe it could work. Even though I feel like it's not good, since he's nice and he has things about himself that I like, I try to figure out how it could work even though it can't really.
How often did those guys finally meet the right girl almost right after dating me?!
So that's me. Just picture me squishing into a cube box.
QE
Friday, February 10, 2006
I had a dream, well, another one
Oh... I see I've named a post this before. Oh well. I really did have a dream. That the nice boy found this blog and read all about himself on it. Funny cause in the dream I don't remember feeling horrible about it. Not terribly embarrassed, upset...
Anyway, I haven't written in a while. We went on date #4 last night. We ate hamburgers. His idea. Good idea. Very yummy.
He is very nice company but I'm still leaning towards no though hard to put my finger on exactly why which makes it very confusing...
Besides that, I found a therapist. It's expensive to go to therapy but I feel like I need it. I am just FULL of issues. About religion, self confidence, interpersonal relationships on a personal level, a professional level. I have job issues. I have health issues. Amazing the amount of issues that can exist in one being.
I'm excited to start the therapy. She sounds really nice and I've heard great things about her.
QE
Anyway, I haven't written in a while. We went on date #4 last night. We ate hamburgers. His idea. Good idea. Very yummy.
He is very nice company but I'm still leaning towards no though hard to put my finger on exactly why which makes it very confusing...
Besides that, I found a therapist. It's expensive to go to therapy but I feel like I need it. I am just FULL of issues. About religion, self confidence, interpersonal relationships on a personal level, a professional level. I have job issues. I have health issues. Amazing the amount of issues that can exist in one being.
I'm excited to start the therapy. She sounds really nice and I've heard great things about her.
QE
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
A negative word goes a looooong way
Amazing. I'm sitting there, really enjoying my breakfast. Yum. So happy I don't have to rush. La dee da dee da.........
.........and then...........
BOOM!!!!!!
I am knocked down. Someone says to me something like, 'Wow, Queen Esther, you eat so fast!" FYI, it was a very negative comment. It was a judgmental, "I am greater than thou" comment. I know because I know who it came from.
To fill you in, I've been working on eating more slowly. Tasting my food. Chewing it. I was probably eating more slowly this morning than I would have eating 6 months ago.
But, immediately, I stopped enjoying my food, started eating faster and just couldn't wait to finish and get out of the kitchen.
It is absolutely amazing how terrible it is to say negative things to people, especially if you don't know how to say it. Also, especially if it isn't coming from the right place.
Sometimes you think you need to tell someone something about themselves. If it really is for the right reason and you try to say it in the best way possible, then that's fine. But this was just pure negative judgment.
What really pisses me off is that at the same time, she was playing a stupid game with the little girl sitting at the table, "Who can finish their hot drink first." Wow wow wow wow wow. I can't get over how screwed up this is. Is this what I have to look forward to when I'm older? Is this how I'm going to act?
QE
.........and then...........
BOOM!!!!!!
I am knocked down. Someone says to me something like, 'Wow, Queen Esther, you eat so fast!" FYI, it was a very negative comment. It was a judgmental, "I am greater than thou" comment. I know because I know who it came from.
To fill you in, I've been working on eating more slowly. Tasting my food. Chewing it. I was probably eating more slowly this morning than I would have eating 6 months ago.
But, immediately, I stopped enjoying my food, started eating faster and just couldn't wait to finish and get out of the kitchen.
It is absolutely amazing how terrible it is to say negative things to people, especially if you don't know how to say it. Also, especially if it isn't coming from the right place.
Sometimes you think you need to tell someone something about themselves. If it really is for the right reason and you try to say it in the best way possible, then that's fine. But this was just pure negative judgment.
What really pisses me off is that at the same time, she was playing a stupid game with the little girl sitting at the table, "Who can finish their hot drink first." Wow wow wow wow wow. I can't get over how screwed up this is. Is this what I have to look forward to when I'm older? Is this how I'm going to act?
QE
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I HATE MY JOB!
I hate my job! What am I gonna do? I will now tell you that I am a nutritionist. I am supposedly good with people. I am supposedly intelligent, sensible, empathetic, sensitive and helpful. AKA, supposedly I help people.
But obviously just being "good" at something doesn't necessarily mean you like it. That I have learned big-time from this job. Actually, I've also learned that from other things I've done in the past.
I think there's something wrong with me. I mean, there must be something I enjoy, no? Also, I'm almost never really convinced I'm good at something. Please don't just to the conclusion that I possibly really do think I'm a good nutritionist. One of the big stresses in my job is that I'm so unsure I'm really helping people. That is why I wrote "supposedly" up above. I'm supposedly good. But I don't feel like I am.
So now I'm thinking of looking for a different type of job. But I'm so scared about doing this!!! I've been checking out job offers online and I have a nervous-break-down every time I think of sending my CV to anyone.
I'm thinking of looking into research work... But the only way I can know if there is anything out there is if I take myself in my hands and send my CV out to people!!!!!!!!!! I MUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!
QE
But obviously just being "good" at something doesn't necessarily mean you like it. That I have learned big-time from this job. Actually, I've also learned that from other things I've done in the past.
I think there's something wrong with me. I mean, there must be something I enjoy, no? Also, I'm almost never really convinced I'm good at something. Please don't just to the conclusion that I possibly really do think I'm a good nutritionist. One of the big stresses in my job is that I'm so unsure I'm really helping people. That is why I wrote "supposedly" up above. I'm supposedly good. But I don't feel like I am.
So now I'm thinking of looking for a different type of job. But I'm so scared about doing this!!! I've been checking out job offers online and I have a nervous-break-down every time I think of sending my CV to anyone.
I'm thinking of looking into research work... But the only way I can know if there is anything out there is if I take myself in my hands and send my CV out to people!!!!!!!!!! I MUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!
QE
Monday, February 06, 2006
The most depressing thing in the world
I have the most yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. And in my head, ears and toes, for that matter. For me, one of the most depressing things in the world is having to wake up early to go to work. I always wonder how I'd feel about it if it was work I enjoyed...
Anyway, being late is something else I hate so I better go get ready to leave.
QE
Anyway, being late is something else I hate so I better go get ready to leave.
QE
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Spilled the beans
Well, not really. But I told Nice Boy that I had an anonymous blog. While we were sitting with the books in the museum, we got to talking about writing a journal. I asked him if he writes/has written and then I said that maybe I shouldn't be telling him this but I write an anonymous blog. That interested him (obviously) and he asked me what I write about. I told him my thoughts and stuff.
See why I don't like writing personal stuff online? If he knew I was writing about him, he'd be really pissed off!
But if I go offline, I need to keep writing. Thing is, there is something much easier about writing in a way that other people can read it, though not people I know. It's such a unique idea.
QE
See why I don't like writing personal stuff online? If he knew I was writing about him, he'd be really pissed off!
But if I go offline, I need to keep writing. Thing is, there is something much easier about writing in a way that other people can read it, though not people I know. It's such a unique idea.
QE
So much to write
I have so much to say. First of all, I am considering going offline with this blog. I feel so guilty to write about people. If I write something about someone that I think, if they knew about it, they'd be upset it's online for the world to read, I feel it's wrong to write it in a blog!
Someone told me that he reads the blog of a friend of his. The only thing is that it's an anonymous blog and the guy writes a lot about the problems he has with his wife. The friend just figured out who it is so now he knows about all these problems that otherwise he would have no idea about.
Is that right?
Anyway, on to other things.
On Friday I got together with nice boy. We went to the museum. Cause after the last date I was so ready not to go out with him again but then I was thinking about all the wonderful things about him and I decided I needed to give it another chance. But after speaking to my aunt I realized I need to do something different with him. I just can't sit across from him in a cafe again. It is so hard to do that over and over again with these guys. They are strangers!
It really did make a difference. I may not have felt comfy womfy : ) but it was a lot better. I was a little less nervous.
My favorite part was when we came across, in an exhibit, 2 arm chairs facing each other, with a coffee table in the middle, with books on it. It was such a cozy corner so we sat down there and ended up staying there till it closed. But it still was so different than sitting in a cafe because we had these books and the conversation just went different places because of the setting.
He is one of those guys that I wish it work out with. Maybe that's silly... But he has amazing traits. He's quiet. He's considerate. He calls everyday. AKA, he's dependable. I don't feel like I know him after 3 dates. He thinks I'm insightful. : ) He TOTALLY makes me laugh. Like, sincerely. As my aunt said, in a marriage, a laugh is more important than an intellectual conversation. Life is hard and you need to be able to laugh with your spouse. She said, if you want intellectual, take a course at a university. : )
It's amazing how he really does make me laugh. Truly amazing.
I hate when people dominate conversations. Today I spent lunch with a guy who was like that. And don't think it was fascinating! It just made me appreciate that N.B. (nice boy) doesn't do that at all. BUT, I think I do. I am so absolutely terrified of silence that I often just talk and talk and talk.
My aunt said that though silence bothers me, that doesn't mean it bothers everyone. We decided I needed to try and be silent. I did that in the cab for a while, while looking out at the pouring rain. It was a conscious effort. I wonder if he cared about that silence at all. I wonder if he noticed it. I wonder if he expects me to blah blah blah all the time. I can't. I won't. I shouldn't. It's so unhealthy for me.
Do I like how he thinks? That is a hard one for me to answer. I suppose so. But I'm not sure how much he thinks things out in depth.
Again, enters Aunt. She informs me not everyone likes analyzing things, like she and I do. And that won't necessarily make the person shallow, at all. They can be extremely deep. They just get to things in a more simple, matter-of-fact manner.
I'm telling you, I'm not sure I've heard anything as fascinating as that.
Bottom line is I want a really nice person. He doesn't need to be Mr. Analytical. Right? I would be writing analytical boy all this time I'm writing about him here because that wouldn't make me want to go out with him. It's that he's nice that attracts me to him.
QE
Someone told me that he reads the blog of a friend of his. The only thing is that it's an anonymous blog and the guy writes a lot about the problems he has with his wife. The friend just figured out who it is so now he knows about all these problems that otherwise he would have no idea about.
Is that right?
Anyway, on to other things.
On Friday I got together with nice boy. We went to the museum. Cause after the last date I was so ready not to go out with him again but then I was thinking about all the wonderful things about him and I decided I needed to give it another chance. But after speaking to my aunt I realized I need to do something different with him. I just can't sit across from him in a cafe again. It is so hard to do that over and over again with these guys. They are strangers!
It really did make a difference. I may not have felt comfy womfy : ) but it was a lot better. I was a little less nervous.
My favorite part was when we came across, in an exhibit, 2 arm chairs facing each other, with a coffee table in the middle, with books on it. It was such a cozy corner so we sat down there and ended up staying there till it closed. But it still was so different than sitting in a cafe because we had these books and the conversation just went different places because of the setting.
He is one of those guys that I wish it work out with. Maybe that's silly... But he has amazing traits. He's quiet. He's considerate. He calls everyday. AKA, he's dependable. I don't feel like I know him after 3 dates. He thinks I'm insightful. : ) He TOTALLY makes me laugh. Like, sincerely. As my aunt said, in a marriage, a laugh is more important than an intellectual conversation. Life is hard and you need to be able to laugh with your spouse. She said, if you want intellectual, take a course at a university. : )
It's amazing how he really does make me laugh. Truly amazing.
I hate when people dominate conversations. Today I spent lunch with a guy who was like that. And don't think it was fascinating! It just made me appreciate that N.B. (nice boy) doesn't do that at all. BUT, I think I do. I am so absolutely terrified of silence that I often just talk and talk and talk.
My aunt said that though silence bothers me, that doesn't mean it bothers everyone. We decided I needed to try and be silent. I did that in the cab for a while, while looking out at the pouring rain. It was a conscious effort. I wonder if he cared about that silence at all. I wonder if he noticed it. I wonder if he expects me to blah blah blah all the time. I can't. I won't. I shouldn't. It's so unhealthy for me.
Do I like how he thinks? That is a hard one for me to answer. I suppose so. But I'm not sure how much he thinks things out in depth.
Again, enters Aunt. She informs me not everyone likes analyzing things, like she and I do. And that won't necessarily make the person shallow, at all. They can be extremely deep. They just get to things in a more simple, matter-of-fact manner.
I'm telling you, I'm not sure I've heard anything as fascinating as that.
Bottom line is I want a really nice person. He doesn't need to be Mr. Analytical. Right? I would be writing analytical boy all this time I'm writing about him here because that wouldn't make me want to go out with him. It's that he's nice that attracts me to him.
QE
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I feel like an idiot and boy am I human
I feel so stupid. This blog was supposed to be spilling my guts about my deepest, darkest secrets. Ya right! Instead, it's just me talking about dating, as usual. I almost never even mention other aspects of my life. So, this isn't a spillinguts blog. It's a blog about my dating experiences. Boring!!!
It's not that I think this is totally useless. I said in an earlier posting that if I wasn't gonna try to open up in this blog, then the blog would have been worthless. I disagree. Maybe it's not filling the purpose it originally was supposed to fill but that doesn't equal useless. It just equals different.
But still, it's a shame.
I think that maybe the bottom line is that you can't write about your deeper self unless you are connected to it. And I am probably, to a large extent, not connected to it.
That is so interesting because I often think of myself as connected to myself. I think of myself as a thinker. But maybe this blog is showing me that the bottom line is that I'm not connected at all. Or at least, not much at all.
And all this makes sense because it really is deep and you probably have to consciously work on connecting yourself in order for it to happen. Otherwise, it doesn't.
Another important factor here is my mood and what's going on in my life. In general, I have my ups and downs. When I'm in a down, I'm so much more connected with what's going on inside. I may not understand it but I'm just much more aware of my guts. And when I'm not way down there, it's hard to connect to the deeper side. In a way one doesn't feel like wasting time on such things when everything is going OK.
Of course that is screwed up big-time because being connected to the deeper self even during "good" times, could probably prevent the fall or at least cushion it.
Oh well. Boy am I human.
It's not that I think this is totally useless. I said in an earlier posting that if I wasn't gonna try to open up in this blog, then the blog would have been worthless. I disagree. Maybe it's not filling the purpose it originally was supposed to fill but that doesn't equal useless. It just equals different.
But still, it's a shame.
I think that maybe the bottom line is that you can't write about your deeper self unless you are connected to it. And I am probably, to a large extent, not connected to it.
That is so interesting because I often think of myself as connected to myself. I think of myself as a thinker. But maybe this blog is showing me that the bottom line is that I'm not connected at all. Or at least, not much at all.
And all this makes sense because it really is deep and you probably have to consciously work on connecting yourself in order for it to happen. Otherwise, it doesn't.
Another important factor here is my mood and what's going on in my life. In general, I have my ups and downs. When I'm in a down, I'm so much more connected with what's going on inside. I may not understand it but I'm just much more aware of my guts. And when I'm not way down there, it's hard to connect to the deeper side. In a way one doesn't feel like wasting time on such things when everything is going OK.
Of course that is screwed up big-time because being connected to the deeper self even during "good" times, could probably prevent the fall or at least cushion it.
Oh well. Boy am I human.
Over-tipping, sigh
I like to over-tip because I figure for me it's an extra few coins and for the waiter/waitress, it's a big part of their salary. Well, I haven't seen exactly how much the bills were but I'm pretty sure that he over-tips.
I think that is one of the nicest traits.
Remember I said I want someone who is not only nice to me but also nice to others? Well, that is that.
QE
I think that is one of the nicest traits.
Remember I said I want someone who is not only nice to me but also nice to others? Well, that is that.
QE
Confusion and nose-rings
I didn't know what to do. When I returned from our date, Monday evening, I had a strong feeling of wanting to stop dating him.
Oh, but there is something so cute about him!
The touching thing makes me so nervous. AKA, I don't want him to touch me. It adds an unbelievable amount of extra pressure. I need my space to think and feel at my speed.
When I told him about the time I shaved my hair, he thought it was really cool. He's probably the only guy I ever told who thought it was cool. He gave me the thumbs up when I told him about it. That was so cute too. But I was too busy being a nervous wreck to appreciate it.
Also, when I told him I'd thought of getting a nose-ring, he said he thought it was sexy. Eek.
It was really funny because I told him that my mom HAAAAAAAAAAAAATES nose-rings. She once kicked my sister out of the house because of one and she told me she wouldn't be able to look at me with it in my nose (I didn't tell him she said that I have such a beautiful face and I'd be wrecking it).
But I said that one of my arguments is always that it is OBVIOUSLY only a matter of style, not good or bad. For one thing, the mothers in the Bible probably all had nose-rings. : ) Also, why should earrings be OK but nose-rings not, if not because it's a style issue? And why should one person decide for another what style they should wear?
But then, I also explained to the nice boy that my over-all opinion on holes in the body is that it's ridiculous, stupid and weird. We want so much jewelry on our bodies that we need to make more holes?!
So he said something so cute. He said, "I'm trying to figure out who the conservative one is here." : )
He thinks in such a similar way to me. We have a lot in common that way. I think that is one of the reasons we have a very similar sense of humor. Seriously, it's really cool. He totally makes me laugh, really.
BUT BUT BUT... I feel uncomfortable, weird, not good. I'm thinking it's a few things:
1. The stress that maybe he wants to touch me and instead of talking about it, I'm just in suspense and trying to play the hands in the pocket act.
2. I'm worried he's more enthusiastic than me. I'm not sure he is anymore but if he's still like he was after the 1st date, he definitely is. I've heard that often the guy knows before the girl. If that's the case, I need to feel no pressure from the side of the guy. Not that I'm feeling actual pressure. But the idea of him being more into it than me makes me really defensive. Really, really, really defensive.
3. Our conversation isn't getting deep enough for my liking. But it's only been 2 dates so I'm not sure if it's just a matter of time. Do I believe that all in all he probably is a "deep" guy, whatever that means? I suppose. But I think about almost everything. The meaning of things, life... I need to be able to talk about that stuff.
Last night I called my aunt who lives on the other side of the world. Here it was the middle of the night and there she was serving dinner. She is very smart. So we came to a few conclusions. Firstly, I need to talk to my bil (bro-in-law) about the boy, find out what he knows about him from growing up together. Secondly, on the next date we must do something other than sit across from each other in a cafe! How much pressure is it to sit across from a stranger for hours, trying to talk?!
Of course one of the main things I need to do in all of this is introspection. Because whatever it is that's going on, I can learn about myself from it. Like, how am I reacting to different things and why. And, I can learn what to do or not to do from what he's doing. For example, if he's turning me off by acting enthusiastic, are there things that I do to turn other people off?
That is confusion and nose-rings
QE
Oh, but there is something so cute about him!
The touching thing makes me so nervous. AKA, I don't want him to touch me. It adds an unbelievable amount of extra pressure. I need my space to think and feel at my speed.
When I told him about the time I shaved my hair, he thought it was really cool. He's probably the only guy I ever told who thought it was cool. He gave me the thumbs up when I told him about it. That was so cute too. But I was too busy being a nervous wreck to appreciate it.
Also, when I told him I'd thought of getting a nose-ring, he said he thought it was sexy. Eek.
It was really funny because I told him that my mom HAAAAAAAAAAAAATES nose-rings. She once kicked my sister out of the house because of one and she told me she wouldn't be able to look at me with it in my nose (I didn't tell him she said that I have such a beautiful face and I'd be wrecking it).
But I said that one of my arguments is always that it is OBVIOUSLY only a matter of style, not good or bad. For one thing, the mothers in the Bible probably all had nose-rings. : ) Also, why should earrings be OK but nose-rings not, if not because it's a style issue? And why should one person decide for another what style they should wear?
But then, I also explained to the nice boy that my over-all opinion on holes in the body is that it's ridiculous, stupid and weird. We want so much jewelry on our bodies that we need to make more holes?!
So he said something so cute. He said, "I'm trying to figure out who the conservative one is here." : )
He thinks in such a similar way to me. We have a lot in common that way. I think that is one of the reasons we have a very similar sense of humor. Seriously, it's really cool. He totally makes me laugh, really.
BUT BUT BUT... I feel uncomfortable, weird, not good. I'm thinking it's a few things:
1. The stress that maybe he wants to touch me and instead of talking about it, I'm just in suspense and trying to play the hands in the pocket act.
2. I'm worried he's more enthusiastic than me. I'm not sure he is anymore but if he's still like he was after the 1st date, he definitely is. I've heard that often the guy knows before the girl. If that's the case, I need to feel no pressure from the side of the guy. Not that I'm feeling actual pressure. But the idea of him being more into it than me makes me really defensive. Really, really, really defensive.
3. Our conversation isn't getting deep enough for my liking. But it's only been 2 dates so I'm not sure if it's just a matter of time. Do I believe that all in all he probably is a "deep" guy, whatever that means? I suppose. But I think about almost everything. The meaning of things, life... I need to be able to talk about that stuff.
Last night I called my aunt who lives on the other side of the world. Here it was the middle of the night and there she was serving dinner. She is very smart. So we came to a few conclusions. Firstly, I need to talk to my bil (bro-in-law) about the boy, find out what he knows about him from growing up together. Secondly, on the next date we must do something other than sit across from each other in a cafe! How much pressure is it to sit across from a stranger for hours, trying to talk?!
Of course one of the main things I need to do in all of this is introspection. Because whatever it is that's going on, I can learn about myself from it. Like, how am I reacting to different things and why. And, I can learn what to do or not to do from what he's doing. For example, if he's turning me off by acting enthusiastic, are there things that I do to turn other people off?
That is confusion and nose-rings
QE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)