I'm so good at protecting myself so that nothing will ever happen to me......................... Including good!
QE
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Post date
I suppose if I sigh, it won't be the 1st time ever.
Last night I went on my 2nd date with the guy. It's so tough!!!! On the one hand, he's forsure a nice guy. On the other hand, I just felt so uncomfortable the whole time! I think I feel a little bad for him and think he's a little nerdy.
But that's where I'm a bum. I always preferred a guy that was a little more nerdy. And the truth is, he's not like "I don't know how to behave" nerdy. He's just not Mr. Cool. Which, HELLO!!!, supposedly I like.
I'm telling you, this is so confusing. On the one hand, after the date, I felt very strongly that I just wanted to end it. But when I think about it, without using my emotions (hahahahahahaha - as if that's possible), of course I should go out with him again because all in all we're on similar wave-lengths and he's nice and he totally makes me laugh.
But our conversation doesn't get very deep. In a way, I sometimes feel like I'm terrified of letting it get anywhere close to deeper because I feel stand-offish. I am so worried he's into me and it makes me defensive. Because I'm not sure, it worries me if I can feel the guy is interested in me. It actually terrifies me and makes me put on my guard. But when I do that, I'm not giving it a chance to develop.
Oy.
QE
Last night I went on my 2nd date with the guy. It's so tough!!!! On the one hand, he's forsure a nice guy. On the other hand, I just felt so uncomfortable the whole time! I think I feel a little bad for him and think he's a little nerdy.
But that's where I'm a bum. I always preferred a guy that was a little more nerdy. And the truth is, he's not like "I don't know how to behave" nerdy. He's just not Mr. Cool. Which, HELLO!!!, supposedly I like.
I'm telling you, this is so confusing. On the one hand, after the date, I felt very strongly that I just wanted to end it. But when I think about it, without using my emotions (hahahahahahaha - as if that's possible), of course I should go out with him again because all in all we're on similar wave-lengths and he's nice and he totally makes me laugh.
But our conversation doesn't get very deep. In a way, I sometimes feel like I'm terrified of letting it get anywhere close to deeper because I feel stand-offish. I am so worried he's into me and it makes me defensive. Because I'm not sure, it worries me if I can feel the guy is interested in me. It actually terrifies me and makes me put on my guard. But when I do that, I'm not giving it a chance to develop.
Oy.
QE
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Surprise surprise, I'm a nervous wreck
I'm not sure if there's been enough evidence yet in my blog for you to know that I'm a nervous wreck. Evidence-based medicine eludes to the fact that I am, in fact, a nervous wreck.
Am I nervous because it was good or because it wasn't good? It being the date.
If it's good, I'm nervous because,
1. I'm worried he won't want to go out again.
2. the idea of a relationship actually working out terrifies me.
If it's not good, I'm nervous because,
1. I'm worried he had a good time and will want to go out again and get his hopes up.
2. I'm gonna have to tell him I don't want to go out again.
Anyway, I'm nervous because he's very nice and I wish I felt better about it. At this point I can't see it happening. But he's so nice! Or is he? I guess one of the positive things so far is that I don't really feel like I know him yet. My friend has a great rule that she'll go out with the guy if there is still anything she'd want to know about him.
What is bothering me? For sure it makes me want to barf the fact that he had such a nice time. Oh no!!! I seriously had to take a deep breath when I wrote that.
Hey, wanna hear something cute? I had a dream I was walking with him, arm in arm. And then I think we held hands for a bit. Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh...
Anyway, to get back to business, what bothers me, I think, is that I didn't feel like I connected that much to what he talked about. Sometimes I didn't even understand what he was talking about.
Then, I think, well, what can you expect from a 1st date? I'm 26 and he's 30. We've been living a long, long time without each other. It makes sense we aren't gonna just totally get it.
But still something bothers me. I do need to know if he is on a similar wave-length as me. I'm not so sure he is.
Anyway we're going out tomorrow evening. I guess we'll see what happens.
QE
Am I nervous because it was good or because it wasn't good? It being the date.
If it's good, I'm nervous because,
1. I'm worried he won't want to go out again.
2. the idea of a relationship actually working out terrifies me.
If it's not good, I'm nervous because,
1. I'm worried he had a good time and will want to go out again and get his hopes up.
2. I'm gonna have to tell him I don't want to go out again.
Anyway, I'm nervous because he's very nice and I wish I felt better about it. At this point I can't see it happening. But he's so nice! Or is he? I guess one of the positive things so far is that I don't really feel like I know him yet. My friend has a great rule that she'll go out with the guy if there is still anything she'd want to know about him.
What is bothering me? For sure it makes me want to barf the fact that he had such a nice time. Oh no!!! I seriously had to take a deep breath when I wrote that.
Hey, wanna hear something cute? I had a dream I was walking with him, arm in arm. And then I think we held hands for a bit. Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh...
Anyway, to get back to business, what bothers me, I think, is that I didn't feel like I connected that much to what he talked about. Sometimes I didn't even understand what he was talking about.
Then, I think, well, what can you expect from a 1st date? I'm 26 and he's 30. We've been living a long, long time without each other. It makes sense we aren't gonna just totally get it.
But still something bothers me. I do need to know if he is on a similar wave-length as me. I'm not so sure he is.
Anyway we're going out tomorrow evening. I guess we'll see what happens.
QE
Saturday, January 28, 2006
1st date with nice boy
This evening we went out on our 1st date. I was a nervous wreck. I always am, more or less. It's quite the suffering I go through every time because I get so nervous, especially before.
We met at 8:15 pm in front of my house. I told him not to come up so that we didn't have to make it into a family event. He was quite thrilled with that idea. I got back home around 2:00 am, I think.
I felt the date was too long. Not because it was majorly forced or anything like that. It was fine. But I just don't think it was a good idea to go out for so long, the 1st time.
Anyway, he gets lots of points. Smart, funny. LISTENS - YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!! We are similar in weird ways. Like, I already mentioned, 3 posts ago, about both of us liking snow. But there were other things like politics, how we feel about certain types of books.
To a certain extent, I guess I can safely say that we were on a somewhat similar wavelength.
Well, that sentence above this one is the most uncommiting sentence ever! "To a certain extent..." "...I guess..." "...somewhat..." Geez, as I love to say.
I'm vague because I definitely did not feel like we were totally on the same wavelength. A few times he said things I didn't get and it happened a little the other way too.
But, for example, I felt comfortable asking him "weird" questions that with other guys I've not felt they were up for them. Like all these leading questions to see what he really thought about certain subjects.
It amuses me the amount of time we spent talking about movies, books, tv. Those were never my thing. I never wanted to talk about that stuff. But, interestingly, we both weren't good readers and decided lately to get into reading so we were talking about different books and types of books and what we liked/didn't like. It was sort of fun though I'm really not used to talking about that stuff.
We both play classical music. I play piano and he plays guitar. He also used to have a harmonica which he lost. I would love to give him a harmonica. That would be so cute. But so not appropriate for this point in the relationship, unless I really do want to totally freak myself out.
Bottom line. I didn't love the conversation but I found it quite interesting and I found him quite interesting. I think he's a nice guy (I'm still gonna call him that, at least for now - I hope it doesn't change!!!!!!!). I'm quite sure he had a really, really nice time. He said at the end that it was great (I think that's the word he used). Hee hee. I would still want to find out more about him. So, I think I'd go out again.
QE
We met at 8:15 pm in front of my house. I told him not to come up so that we didn't have to make it into a family event. He was quite thrilled with that idea. I got back home around 2:00 am, I think.
I felt the date was too long. Not because it was majorly forced or anything like that. It was fine. But I just don't think it was a good idea to go out for so long, the 1st time.
Anyway, he gets lots of points. Smart, funny. LISTENS - YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!! We are similar in weird ways. Like, I already mentioned, 3 posts ago, about both of us liking snow. But there were other things like politics, how we feel about certain types of books.
To a certain extent, I guess I can safely say that we were on a somewhat similar wavelength.
Well, that sentence above this one is the most uncommiting sentence ever! "To a certain extent..." "...I guess..." "...somewhat..." Geez, as I love to say.
I'm vague because I definitely did not feel like we were totally on the same wavelength. A few times he said things I didn't get and it happened a little the other way too.
But, for example, I felt comfortable asking him "weird" questions that with other guys I've not felt they were up for them. Like all these leading questions to see what he really thought about certain subjects.
It amuses me the amount of time we spent talking about movies, books, tv. Those were never my thing. I never wanted to talk about that stuff. But, interestingly, we both weren't good readers and decided lately to get into reading so we were talking about different books and types of books and what we liked/didn't like. It was sort of fun though I'm really not used to talking about that stuff.
We both play classical music. I play piano and he plays guitar. He also used to have a harmonica which he lost. I would love to give him a harmonica. That would be so cute. But so not appropriate for this point in the relationship, unless I really do want to totally freak myself out.
Bottom line. I didn't love the conversation but I found it quite interesting and I found him quite interesting. I think he's a nice guy (I'm still gonna call him that, at least for now - I hope it doesn't change!!!!!!!). I'm quite sure he had a really, really nice time. He said at the end that it was great (I think that's the word he used). Hee hee. I would still want to find out more about him. So, I think I'd go out again.
QE
It's good to day-dream
A lot of Shabbat I was very nervous about the fact that Saturday night was my first date with the nice boy. I was really nervous and excited and I was day-dreaming like a crazy woman.
At one point, I was just resting in bed and my friend came in and amazingly she immediately said, "Nervous?" and I said, "I'm just day dreaming, hee hee hee..."
I have a very little sister and often when I day dream about a guy being "The One" it includes her. I guess it's because her and I are very close and the guy I marry needs to be able to have a good relationship with her. So, in this one, we had our annual snow (though sometimes it snows less than once a year) and him, little sister and I were all playing in the snow together.
That was my specific day-dream because I LOOOOOVE the snow and when I spoke to him on the phone the 1st time, he told me that he loves the snow and is really hoping it snows this winter. So, there I was, day-dreaming away...
I felt bad I was "wasting" energy when I don't even know what's gonna happen with him. But there were 2 main themes of Shabbat this week.
1. It is all about the journey. We never have any idea where we're gonna end up. And often we waste tons of energy trying to plan things. Figure things out. Worry about what's gonna happen. But the thing we should be focusing on more than anything is the journey. In other words, focus on the moment. Experience things to their fullest.
2. Stop trying to sell things unless you really believe in them.
But I don't feel like going into that right now.
Anyway, it seems, according to my dear friend, that it's legit on the highest level :) to day-dream. It is enjoying what is.
At one point, I was just resting in bed and my friend came in and amazingly she immediately said, "Nervous?" and I said, "I'm just day dreaming, hee hee hee..."
I have a very little sister and often when I day dream about a guy being "The One" it includes her. I guess it's because her and I are very close and the guy I marry needs to be able to have a good relationship with her. So, in this one, we had our annual snow (though sometimes it snows less than once a year) and him, little sister and I were all playing in the snow together.
That was my specific day-dream because I LOOOOOVE the snow and when I spoke to him on the phone the 1st time, he told me that he loves the snow and is really hoping it snows this winter. So, there I was, day-dreaming away...
I felt bad I was "wasting" energy when I don't even know what's gonna happen with him. But there were 2 main themes of Shabbat this week.
1. It is all about the journey. We never have any idea where we're gonna end up. And often we waste tons of energy trying to plan things. Figure things out. Worry about what's gonna happen. But the thing we should be focusing on more than anything is the journey. In other words, focus on the moment. Experience things to their fullest.
2. Stop trying to sell things unless you really believe in them.
But I don't feel like going into that right now.
Anyway, it seems, according to my dear friend, that it's legit on the highest level :) to day-dream. It is enjoying what is.
Friday, January 27, 2006
My mom
I don't have a good relationship with my mom. I feel extremely defensive and offensive with her almost constantly. I am often, if not almost always, mean to her. It is very difficult for me to have a normal conversation with her.
And now we're going out to breakfast.
More to come on QE and Mom's relationship.
QE
And now we're going out to breakfast.
More to come on QE and Mom's relationship.
QE
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Are weddings fun? And probably a bit on dating too (how not?)
Just went to a wedding. Not a very close friend but a sweet girl. Supposedly she met the guy online. Cute. They seem really nice and happy together. I was even emotional at the wedding ceremony, which often, if I'm not close to the couple, I'm not really touched by it. But they really are cute or something. It was nice to see them together.
But, I don't necessarily enjoy weddings. And rightfully so. I had to go to this one all alone. Thank G-d I knew more people there than I'd imagined. And I actually had a better time than I thought I was gonna have. But I wasn't sat with any of my friends. That might be the worst part, having to sit with strangers.
But no, they weren't all strangers. There was the girl I sort of new (the only other single girl at the table) and the guy I went out on a date with a few months ago. Thank G-d he wasn't one of those uncomfortable guys. All in all, he's nice and normal. So we just talked a bit. But not comfy womfy, to say the least.
The dancing also wasn't so much fun for me because I'm not so close with the bride. But I did dance and she was really cool and fun so it made it exciting. She just kept going and going!
It's quite hilarious. When I told the nice boy that I'm going to a wedding, he immediately said to me, "Soon by you." Sigh, I'm in love. I mean, till I meet someone with that straightforwardness like what I have. And if I totally got immediately that he was joking big-time. I mean, what more can you ask for? Right away I answered, "Oh, thank you so much. Amen. Soon by you too!" and then we started talking about people saying that to you at weddings and how he doesn't really like weddings so much. Maybe because they freak him out. Too funny.
One of my pet peeves is excessive alcohol drinking. So, when he said that he thinks at weddings when you aren't having a good time, at least there is free alcohol. You should take a bottle of wine, sit at a table in the corner and drink. I didn't tell him I don't find that funny even if he's not really serious. Instead I said, "That's when they stop saying 'Soon by you' and start just looking at you and frowning."
It is a beautiful thing when I meet someone with whom I feel I can act funny and they actually get it.
I have 2 main reservations at this point, regarding the nice boy. Firstly, I'm worried I'm gonna be totally unattracted to him. Secondly, I'm worried he's too negative for me.
About the 1st, you know, my dream was always to meet a guy who got better and better looking to me as I got to know him and fall in love with him. It's amazing to see if that will happen or not. Because sometimes I go out with guys who I think immediately are cute and other times, not at all. We'll see what happens with Mr. Nice Guy.
The other worry is about his negativity. See, we kept on laughing about negative things. Like, being the middle child (we both are). Getting used to the harsh culture where we live. His job. Truth is, he doesn't sound very motivated, to say the least. That makes me very nervous. If the guy can't figure out what type of job is good for him, with which he is able to stick long-term. He mentioned that he's "retired" a few times already. He's 30 years old. I'm not sure he's enjoying his current job very much but he was sure to tell me he can't see himself "retiring" for a while, this time. I guess that's good. : /
Let me just say, for the record, that I totally have a crush on him. I wish I could talk to him right now. I really enjoyed talking to him! We so totally seemed on the same wave length. Really cool.
He thanked me again, when we spoke on the phone, for emailing him. He said something about it being really cool. I can't tell you exactly what adjective he used because I was so nervous about getting a compliment that I was too busy being defensive. I said, "Yes, I'm the bravest person in the world." It came out harsh and I wish I hadn't said it. I wish I could just take the compliment. I must learn to take compliments. He really liked that I emailed him to ask him out. Geez, just accept that, man! : )
Did you even notice I love the word "geez?" : ) I really do!
Queen Esther
But, I don't necessarily enjoy weddings. And rightfully so. I had to go to this one all alone. Thank G-d I knew more people there than I'd imagined. And I actually had a better time than I thought I was gonna have. But I wasn't sat with any of my friends. That might be the worst part, having to sit with strangers.
But no, they weren't all strangers. There was the girl I sort of new (the only other single girl at the table) and the guy I went out on a date with a few months ago. Thank G-d he wasn't one of those uncomfortable guys. All in all, he's nice and normal. So we just talked a bit. But not comfy womfy, to say the least.
The dancing also wasn't so much fun for me because I'm not so close with the bride. But I did dance and she was really cool and fun so it made it exciting. She just kept going and going!
It's quite hilarious. When I told the nice boy that I'm going to a wedding, he immediately said to me, "Soon by you." Sigh, I'm in love. I mean, till I meet someone with that straightforwardness like what I have. And if I totally got immediately that he was joking big-time. I mean, what more can you ask for? Right away I answered, "Oh, thank you so much. Amen. Soon by you too!" and then we started talking about people saying that to you at weddings and how he doesn't really like weddings so much. Maybe because they freak him out. Too funny.
One of my pet peeves is excessive alcohol drinking. So, when he said that he thinks at weddings when you aren't having a good time, at least there is free alcohol. You should take a bottle of wine, sit at a table in the corner and drink. I didn't tell him I don't find that funny even if he's not really serious. Instead I said, "That's when they stop saying 'Soon by you' and start just looking at you and frowning."
It is a beautiful thing when I meet someone with whom I feel I can act funny and they actually get it.
I have 2 main reservations at this point, regarding the nice boy. Firstly, I'm worried I'm gonna be totally unattracted to him. Secondly, I'm worried he's too negative for me.
About the 1st, you know, my dream was always to meet a guy who got better and better looking to me as I got to know him and fall in love with him. It's amazing to see if that will happen or not. Because sometimes I go out with guys who I think immediately are cute and other times, not at all. We'll see what happens with Mr. Nice Guy.
The other worry is about his negativity. See, we kept on laughing about negative things. Like, being the middle child (we both are). Getting used to the harsh culture where we live. His job. Truth is, he doesn't sound very motivated, to say the least. That makes me very nervous. If the guy can't figure out what type of job is good for him, with which he is able to stick long-term. He mentioned that he's "retired" a few times already. He's 30 years old. I'm not sure he's enjoying his current job very much but he was sure to tell me he can't see himself "retiring" for a while, this time. I guess that's good. : /
Let me just say, for the record, that I totally have a crush on him. I wish I could talk to him right now. I really enjoyed talking to him! We so totally seemed on the same wave length. Really cool.
He thanked me again, when we spoke on the phone, for emailing him. He said something about it being really cool. I can't tell you exactly what adjective he used because I was so nervous about getting a compliment that I was too busy being defensive. I said, "Yes, I'm the bravest person in the world." It came out harsh and I wish I hadn't said it. I wish I could just take the compliment. I must learn to take compliments. He really liked that I emailed him to ask him out. Geez, just accept that, man! : )
Did you even notice I love the word "geez?" : ) I really do!
Queen Esther
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Realization about my blog
I realized that I'm not being myself. See, I'm always trying to put myself in situations where *finally* I can be myself. *Finally* I won't feel pressured to act a certain part. In this case, I wanted to not feel pressured to act the "good girl" part. But, I realized that instead I'm playing other parts.
1stly I'm trying to keep this as anonymous as possible which means that I keep not writing things that would give away my nationality and/or religion. That isn't working because those are big parts of who I am.
2ndly I often still think to myself, "What would they think if I wrote this or that?" instead of just writing whatever I need to write.
I'm gonna try to be more honest. That's the bottom line. I want to be honest here and if I'm not being honest, this blog is useless for me.
QE
1stly I'm trying to keep this as anonymous as possible which means that I keep not writing things that would give away my nationality and/or religion. That isn't working because those are big parts of who I am.
2ndly I often still think to myself, "What would they think if I wrote this or that?" instead of just writing whatever I need to write.
I'm gonna try to be more honest. That's the bottom line. I want to be honest here and if I'm not being honest, this blog is useless for me.
QE
Exciting update re nice boy
He said yes! He was happy I initiated. He appreciated my compliments and he said he would have wanted some cheezy pickup lines. He also asked me for my number. I gave it to him and told him that maybe one day I'll share the cheezy pickup lines with him.
I'm so brave, I can't even get over it. It would be so nice if I actually have a nice time with him. I'm really nervous. Actually, the thing I'm most nervous about is how he looks. What if I'm really not attracted to him and I was just kidding myself thinking I could be?
This dating thing, in case you haven't noticed, puts an unbelievably humongous amount of pressure on me/us. Geez! Why do I need to be worrying about being attracted to him? Why do I need to be worried about much at all? All we're doing is going on one date.
True, I believe a date isn't nothing but no one is forcing us to get married or even go on a 2nd date.
Will let you know what happens.
QE
I'm so brave, I can't even get over it. It would be so nice if I actually have a nice time with him. I'm really nervous. Actually, the thing I'm most nervous about is how he looks. What if I'm really not attracted to him and I was just kidding myself thinking I could be?
This dating thing, in case you haven't noticed, puts an unbelievably humongous amount of pressure on me/us. Geez! Why do I need to be worrying about being attracted to him? Why do I need to be worried about much at all? All we're doing is going on one date.
True, I believe a date isn't nothing but no one is forcing us to get married or even go on a 2nd date.
Will let you know what happens.
QE
You are braver than you think
There are all these things I'm worried about in life. One of them being how I'm gonna deal with things like my kids throwing up all over the place.
Last night, I was babysitting my nephew. I heard him crying. I came in to find him lying in a halo of barf. And he was still acting like he was gonna throw up more. All this while lying on his back.
I am amazed how well I took it. Normally, barfing would horrify me. I'd feel like throwing up myself. But instead, I quickly sat him up and started wiping him up. I got a towel to help me with that. His pj's were gross. I decided the most important thing was to get him out of the mess. So I quickly unzipped his pj's, let him step out and carried him to the bathroom.
Not that I want to be disgusting, but I could feel the throw up on my hands. I am sure you are reading this ready to throw up yourself just thinking about it but amazingly, I was OK! I took him to the bathroom and washed him off a bit. Then I put him in a clean towel and called him mom.
My sister ended up having to clean up the mess. I am definitely happy I didn't have to do that. It was really, really disgusting.
My point in all of this is that we are braver than we think. I am also nicer than I think. I'd have thought I'd only be able to think of myself being disgusted but instead I was only thinking of taking the best care of my nephew possible.
Thank G-d we live in a time where we don't often have the opportunity to do selfless things. So we don't know really how we'd act in those situations. Parenting, I'm sure, is especially important because it forces you to think of others all the time.
Doing something selfless for someone else is one of the best feelings in this world. It actually might be the best feeling that exists.
That might be why it's important to volunteer. You're not doing it for them. You're doing it for yourself. A little screwed up, but that's how I see it. By doing something that is for someone else, you make yourself feel great.
Last night, I was babysitting my nephew. I heard him crying. I came in to find him lying in a halo of barf. And he was still acting like he was gonna throw up more. All this while lying on his back.
I am amazed how well I took it. Normally, barfing would horrify me. I'd feel like throwing up myself. But instead, I quickly sat him up and started wiping him up. I got a towel to help me with that. His pj's were gross. I decided the most important thing was to get him out of the mess. So I quickly unzipped his pj's, let him step out and carried him to the bathroom.
Not that I want to be disgusting, but I could feel the throw up on my hands. I am sure you are reading this ready to throw up yourself just thinking about it but amazingly, I was OK! I took him to the bathroom and washed him off a bit. Then I put him in a clean towel and called him mom.
My sister ended up having to clean up the mess. I am definitely happy I didn't have to do that. It was really, really disgusting.
My point in all of this is that we are braver than we think. I am also nicer than I think. I'd have thought I'd only be able to think of myself being disgusted but instead I was only thinking of taking the best care of my nephew possible.
Thank G-d we live in a time where we don't often have the opportunity to do selfless things. So we don't know really how we'd act in those situations. Parenting, I'm sure, is especially important because it forces you to think of others all the time.
Doing something selfless for someone else is one of the best feelings in this world. It actually might be the best feeling that exists.
That might be why it's important to volunteer. You're not doing it for them. You're doing it for yourself. A little screwed up, but that's how I see it. By doing something that is for someone else, you make yourself feel great.
Just call me impatience
Am I the most impatient person in the world? At least I'm not freaked out right now, only impatient. I still am waiting for an answer from the nice boy. I only emailed him a few hours ago but, well, I'm impatient.
The suspense! Is he gonna want to go out with me? Is it possible he wouldn't? : ) Kidding.
QE
The suspense! Is he gonna want to go out with me? Is it possible he wouldn't? : ) Kidding.
QE
My letter to the nice boy
This time it's a real letter. My sis and bil wouldn't do the set up so I got the boy's email address and I just sent him the following letter:
Dear Boy,
Hi. This is Queen Esther, _________'s sister in law. No, I'm not writing you about getting a job at the _____.
You seemed to me to be a very nice, normal guy. Those are 2 things I like and respect. So, I wanted to know if you'd be interested in meeting me for coffee (or whatever) sometime.
Please know that whatever you decide is totally fine. Also, if you prefer to ask me anything about myself before making a decision, that is also cool.
Thanks! Have a great day,
Queen EstherP.S. It's not everyday I get to ask a guy out... If I was a little more brave, I'd make use of some stupid pickup line. Oh well. : )
That's it. So what do you think? Firstly, you must admit I'm one of the bravest people you've ever met/read. Right? I mean, this makes me so vulnerable, it's crazy. I'm quite impressed with myself.
Now I've gotta go to sleep for a bit. Tonight I need to take my sister to the airport and at this moment I'm POOPED! Will update you! : )
QE
That's it. So what do you think? Firstly, you must admit I'm one of the bravest people you've ever met/read. Right? I mean, this makes me so vulnerable, it's crazy. I'm quite impressed with myself.
Now I've gotta go to sleep for a bit. Tonight I need to take my sister to the airport and at this moment I'm POOPED! Will update you! : )
QE
Monday, January 23, 2006
Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Fine, there's something satisfying in understanding things more in depth (talking about money). Fine, it's nice to see it. But, man, how do people choose to do this type of work all day? I wrote into an Excel sheet what came in and out of my account for Oct. and Nov. of 2005. But I can't even do Dec. 2005 right now or else I may just explode. Yes, it could happen.
QE
P.S. BTW, turns out I was right. I thought I don't have much money and seems I really and truly don't have lots of money. : )
QE
P.S. BTW, turns out I was right. I thought I don't have much money and seems I really and truly don't have lots of money. : )
Don't even try to stop me
That's it, I'm gonna try to figure out my finances. Oh yes, no one can stop me...
What's that you say? You think maybe I should be doing something else right now? Hmmm... OK.
Kidding. I've emptied the millions of paper from my desk so that it's at all possible to work here and I'm on my way. Will let you know what happens!
QE
What's that you say? You think maybe I should be doing something else right now? Hmmm... OK.
Kidding. I've emptied the millions of paper from my desk so that it's at all possible to work here and I'm on my way. Will let you know what happens!
QE
Why must I procrastinate?
I have almost always thought of myself as #1 procrastinator. When I was in therapy for a while, she pointed out to me that everyone has things they'd put off because they so don't enjoy doing them. But I was not and am not convinced. Some people procrastinate more and some less. I'm on the more side.
I was talking to my bil (remember, bro-in-law?) over the weekend and he said I should be budgeting. First of all, that means that I should actually know what goes in and what goes out. Crazy concept, no? So, he said that in order to get an idea of what I normally spend money on, I should look at the last 3 months. No, I can't know everything but it's true that if you look at your bank account and your credit card bills, you can get a pretty accurate idea of what's going on. Even cash, besides cash that I'm given by my parents (a little here and there), any cash withdrawal, you can see in your account. You may not know what you spent it on but you will know you spent it.
But IT'S SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who feels like doing that? I mean, I'm curious to know if I could be saving (obviously I can be, the question is where) but it's so hard to do it and it will be so much harder to keep up with it. Man...
I took a siesta and over slept so now I'm too awake and I have to wake up at 7:00am tomorrow morning. Oh my gosh. Well, at least maybe I can do something enjoyable this evening if anyway I'm wide awake.
QE
I was talking to my bil (remember, bro-in-law?) over the weekend and he said I should be budgeting. First of all, that means that I should actually know what goes in and what goes out. Crazy concept, no? So, he said that in order to get an idea of what I normally spend money on, I should look at the last 3 months. No, I can't know everything but it's true that if you look at your bank account and your credit card bills, you can get a pretty accurate idea of what's going on. Even cash, besides cash that I'm given by my parents (a little here and there), any cash withdrawal, you can see in your account. You may not know what you spent it on but you will know you spent it.
But IT'S SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who feels like doing that? I mean, I'm curious to know if I could be saving (obviously I can be, the question is where) but it's so hard to do it and it will be so much harder to keep up with it. Man...
I took a siesta and over slept so now I'm too awake and I have to wake up at 7:00am tomorrow morning. Oh my gosh. Well, at least maybe I can do something enjoyable this evening if anyway I'm wide awake.
QE
Nice new boy update
So, remember the nice guy who I was interested in over the weekend? Well, as I mentioned, I'm starving, but I just want to give a little update.
I asked my sister if she or my bro-in-law could call the boy and ask him if he'd be interested in going out with me on a date. Well, my bil (brother in law) decided it's embarrassing for him because we already met and he thinks that if I'm interested, I should call him myself.
Now, I have been known to be brave. You can ask my friend. : ) But geez, for my bil to call can be so not a big deal and for me to call, is putting me in an extremely vulnerable place. Why do we need to do that if there is a way through which really no one has to feel awkward? I don't understand why he can't do it.
I guess I should take my bil's feelings of discomfort seriously but I'm sure the feelings I'd have from calling him up are much bigger. I suppose if I knew he was going to say yes, it would be a whole different story. But things just don't work that way.
So I tried to convince my sister that she should just call. I explained to her how it could totally not come off sounding like a big deal and no one needs to be embarrassed. She said she'll think about it.
Let me just say it pisses me off. I mean, they so want me to get married. I'm not sure there is anything else they want besides that in life. Fine, I'm exaggerating. But, definitely they want to see me get married. So everyone sets me up with these random guys. Some real shloochy guys. But now, when there is a perfectly good, normal guy, who I actually met so I know he's quite normal, they aren't willing to have anything to do with it.
QE (stomach grumbling)
I asked my sister if she or my bro-in-law could call the boy and ask him if he'd be interested in going out with me on a date. Well, my bil (brother in law) decided it's embarrassing for him because we already met and he thinks that if I'm interested, I should call him myself.
Now, I have been known to be brave. You can ask my friend. : ) But geez, for my bil to call can be so not a big deal and for me to call, is putting me in an extremely vulnerable place. Why do we need to do that if there is a way through which really no one has to feel awkward? I don't understand why he can't do it.
I guess I should take my bil's feelings of discomfort seriously but I'm sure the feelings I'd have from calling him up are much bigger. I suppose if I knew he was going to say yes, it would be a whole different story. But things just don't work that way.
So I tried to convince my sister that she should just call. I explained to her how it could totally not come off sounding like a big deal and no one needs to be embarrassed. She said she'll think about it.
Let me just say it pisses me off. I mean, they so want me to get married. I'm not sure there is anything else they want besides that in life. Fine, I'm exaggerating. But, definitely they want to see me get married. So everyone sets me up with these random guys. Some real shloochy guys. But now, when there is a perfectly good, normal guy, who I actually met so I know he's quite normal, they aren't willing to have anything to do with it.
QE (stomach grumbling)
How hard it is to be smart
Isn't it amazing how difficult it is to be smart? I don't mean it in the way of, "Sigh, the trials of being smart," but instead that it is often/usually much easier to act stupid or say stupid things than it is to act smart.
I'm taking a course and seriously I'd guess the IQ there is quite high and the people participating (including the lecturer) are, by default, intelligent and thinking people. I believe that because the course is about an alternative way to work in our field when it takes some brains and thinking in order to conclude, to begin with, that the conventional way is wrong.
But the time I spend sitting there listening to the teacher and the other "students" can be infuriating! How many annoying things can come out of people's mouths in 3.5 hours?
Maybe I'll give an example in a future posting. Right now, I'm STARVING!!!!!
QE
I'm taking a course and seriously I'd guess the IQ there is quite high and the people participating (including the lecturer) are, by default, intelligent and thinking people. I believe that because the course is about an alternative way to work in our field when it takes some brains and thinking in order to conclude, to begin with, that the conventional way is wrong.
But the time I spend sitting there listening to the teacher and the other "students" can be infuriating! How many annoying things can come out of people's mouths in 3.5 hours?
Maybe I'll give an example in a future posting. Right now, I'm STARVING!!!!!
QE
Sunday, January 22, 2006
New boy who's nice
Over the weekend I met a friend of my brother in law's. He comes across as nice. Yes, nice. As most people who know me will be able to explain, I want a really nice guy. And FYI, if he's only nice to me but not nice to others, that is NOT!!!! nice. Not nice at all.
I've seen these movies or tv shows where the girl gets swept off her feet because the guy is really "good" to her while meanwhile, he (and usually she too) is mean to others. That is so not cool.
Anyway, what can I say. He's normal. When he walked in, I definitely did not immediately think, "Wow." I didn't even really think he was good looking. But I try to be as open minded as possible. So, over dinner, we were all talking and I got to see that he was just being nice and normal.
Sorry. Those 2 words: "nice" and "normal" are gonna be used a lot in this posting.
At one point he started a little conversation with me which also impressed me because I'm quite pretty and it could be scary for a single guy to start talking to me, especially when I'm with my whole family.
But he did. And I liked that a lot. And he just asked me something about myself, we had a little conversation and that was it.
About looks. I try to be open minded, as I mentioned. So, with looks, I believe looks can grow on you. I also believe that is only to a certain extent. So, when he was talking to me, I made sure to look at him. Was I feeling turned-off? Was he OK looking?
And truth is, he really looked OK. He was nice to look at. As in, there is potential.
Now we'll see if he's interested in going out with me.
QE
I've seen these movies or tv shows where the girl gets swept off her feet because the guy is really "good" to her while meanwhile, he (and usually she too) is mean to others. That is so not cool.
Anyway, what can I say. He's normal. When he walked in, I definitely did not immediately think, "Wow." I didn't even really think he was good looking. But I try to be as open minded as possible. So, over dinner, we were all talking and I got to see that he was just being nice and normal.
Sorry. Those 2 words: "nice" and "normal" are gonna be used a lot in this posting.
At one point he started a little conversation with me which also impressed me because I'm quite pretty and it could be scary for a single guy to start talking to me, especially when I'm with my whole family.
But he did. And I liked that a lot. And he just asked me something about myself, we had a little conversation and that was it.
About looks. I try to be open minded, as I mentioned. So, with looks, I believe looks can grow on you. I also believe that is only to a certain extent. So, when he was talking to me, I made sure to look at him. Was I feeling turned-off? Was he OK looking?
And truth is, he really looked OK. He was nice to look at. As in, there is potential.
Now we'll see if he's interested in going out with me.
QE
Friday, January 20, 2006
The songs that touch you so deeply
There are these songs that come on the radio that just make me feel so deeply. They make me want to dance in the kitchen. They make me yearn for something bigger. They make me feel how much deeper my heart is than I know. They make me so happy and sad.
I'll be the father of your child.
I'll spend a lifetime with you...
I love you. I swear that's true. I cannot live without you...
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend...
Rain and snow also make me feel like that. And sunrise.
I have a feeling life is all about passion. More than anything, it's about doing, living, thinking with as much passion as possible.
Is there any better feeling than being with conviction? It really is the way to be as much as possible. To really, truly be.
I'll be the father of your child.
I'll spend a lifetime with you...
I love you. I swear that's true. I cannot live without you...
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend...
Rain and snow also make me feel like that. And sunrise.
I have a feeling life is all about passion. More than anything, it's about doing, living, thinking with as much passion as possible.
Is there any better feeling than being with conviction? It really is the way to be as much as possible. To really, truly be.
Fuck
FYI, in my real life, I pretty much never, ever, ever curse. Can you believe it? I don't swear, I'm proud of it and I don't want people cursing around me. It bothers me when people do swear.
Oh my G-d. I think I'm an unbelievably humongous hypocrite. Not just about this. About everything. My whole life.
That is, actually, maybe my biggest fear in my life. That I'm a big faker.
Truth is, I'm quite convinced that I am a faker. I put on the never-ending show. So many people think I'm wonderful. I'm sweet, considerate, I care about people, I'm pretty. I chose a job in which I get to try to help people... But inside, I'm selfish. As selfish as the career person who only wants to make money and spend it on himself. He doesn't want to get married because it will confine his ability to focus on himself.
Well, I may want to get married (for some reason - that's a whole other story) and I may not be really, really, really focused on money but I want to get married only because I believe it will make ME happy. I do want to make money for MYSELF. Anything I want, I want it because I think it will make ME happy.
Oh my G-d. I think I'm an unbelievably humongous hypocrite. Not just about this. About everything. My whole life.
That is, actually, maybe my biggest fear in my life. That I'm a big faker.
Truth is, I'm quite convinced that I am a faker. I put on the never-ending show. So many people think I'm wonderful. I'm sweet, considerate, I care about people, I'm pretty. I chose a job in which I get to try to help people... But inside, I'm selfish. As selfish as the career person who only wants to make money and spend it on himself. He doesn't want to get married because it will confine his ability to focus on himself.
Well, I may want to get married (for some reason - that's a whole other story) and I may not be really, really, really focused on money but I want to get married only because I believe it will make ME happy. I do want to make money for MYSELF. Anything I want, I want it because I think it will make ME happy.
We're all such experts
How stupid that we so often talk about things that we don't really understand. What a freakin' waste of energy and words. I can't get over how totally dumb it is.
I was just sitting, listening to a conversation about the subjects of the guy asking to see a picture of the girl before actually going on a date with her.
I don't know... Maybe I'm wrong. Just because I'm in it and the people arguing about it are so freakin' far away (aka, married with kids with dating as a far-away dream, if even that, to them) that doesn't mean I'm more right than they are, right?
I walked out of the room to the sound of them arguing and arguing and arguing.
That's also part of it. That they can sit around and argue it because it so doesn't touch home for them. I, on the other hand, don't even want to discuss it.
Stop it with the fucking rules. A rule that is Truth will help you grow. A rule that is Lie, does exactly that, fucks you up.
I was just sitting, listening to a conversation about the subjects of the guy asking to see a picture of the girl before actually going on a date with her.
I don't know... Maybe I'm wrong. Just because I'm in it and the people arguing about it are so freakin' far away (aka, married with kids with dating as a far-away dream, if even that, to them) that doesn't mean I'm more right than they are, right?
I walked out of the room to the sound of them arguing and arguing and arguing.
That's also part of it. That they can sit around and argue it because it so doesn't touch home for them. I, on the other hand, don't even want to discuss it.
Stop it with the fucking rules. A rule that is Truth will help you grow. A rule that is Lie, does exactly that, fucks you up.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Important interpretation of my dream
I don't think I mentioned something really cool my friend pointed out about my dream. I said to her that in real life I'm always trying so hard to say and do the right things and in the dream I wasn't. I just did what I felt I needed to do.
She said that what I did in the dream wasn't the wrong thing. I wouldn't do it in real life because I'm scared about doing the wrong thing but it might be the right thing.
Did I explain that well at all?
She said that what I did in the dream wasn't the wrong thing. I wouldn't do it in real life because I'm scared about doing the wrong thing but it might be the right thing.
Did I explain that well at all?
"New" boy
So you never know what you should expect from guys and what not to expect.
See, I try to be understanding of the fact that a guy isn't necessarily gonna be considerate all the time. In my opinion, one of the most important things to notice is, when he does something inconsiderate, and you (hopefully) say something (in a nice way) to him about it, how does he react? Does he get all defensive? Does he feel at all badly? Does he feel badly that he made you feel bad? Does he want to know what to do next time in order to not hurt you again?
This "new" guy isn't totally new. He got in touch with me around 1 month ago and he just wrote me something so nice that I was sold almost right away. Oh, we're talking about the online thing again (that my mom is trying to convince my not to do, of course). He said I seemed like a special person and did I care to chat.
But why did he write me when he was actually too busy to be in touch with anyone?
So, I wrote back and then didn't hear from him in a couple of days so wrote again asking what was going on and then he said he wants to be in touch but he's too busy right now because of end of semester stuff. So I said I preferred if he'd just get in touch with me when he did have time to be in touch because I really didn't want to be in touch sporadically. I hate that stuff. I don't deal with it well at all. He really appreciated my straight-forwardness and said he'd be in touch with me later on. After a couple of weeks I wrote him again asking him if he was ever planning on getting in touch with me again but then I didn't hear back from him (yes, he read the email). So, I wrote again a couple of days ago that I would have appreciated the same straight-forwardness he had appreciated from he. He wrote back that he had been to busy to be in touch and that he didn't feel it was worth it to write when he wouldn't be able to be in touch for a week after that. That part definitely didn't make that much sense to me.
OK, 1st about me. I'm a big nerd. I'm a loser. I'm needy. I'm desperate. I have no patience. Fine, I have very little patience. I am throwing myself at the guy. I don't realize that I need to wait and if he wants me, he'll come and get me.
No, instead I keep writing and writing. You know how you can see how many letters you've exchanged with a person online? So, it's like twice the amount from me as from him to me.
So I feel like a big idiot but then on the other hand I don't because I hate rules. I hate having to do things that are so forced. I know that something might be forced and still the right thing to do but sometimes I'm just like, "Screw it," and I do what I want to do.
In this case I am pushing to be in touch with this guy. Why? Because he has one of the greatest profiles I've ever read. For those of you who know online dating (only for those of you who know it close up and personally), you know about those very few profiles that really touch you. You feel you understand them or really want to understand them. You find them intriguing. You feel interested in knowing the person who wrote that profile.
Sigh sigh sigh... This boy is like that. What a totally cool profile. It was so nice that when he wasn't answering me (at least the 1st time), I couldn't help but give him the benefit of the doubt because, I thought, anyone who could write such a profile must be so nice.
Anyway, now I don't know if I should answer what he wrote me or now just wait. On the one hand, the game rules could very possibly point to waiting but on the other hand, I truly do hate the rules in a passionate way. I need to just ignore his email? I'm not one to do that (usually). If I got an email from him, I want to answer it. It feels wrong not to.
Well, we shall see what I decide to do. At this moment I'm too tired. Bye bye...
QE
See, I try to be understanding of the fact that a guy isn't necessarily gonna be considerate all the time. In my opinion, one of the most important things to notice is, when he does something inconsiderate, and you (hopefully) say something (in a nice way) to him about it, how does he react? Does he get all defensive? Does he feel at all badly? Does he feel badly that he made you feel bad? Does he want to know what to do next time in order to not hurt you again?
This "new" guy isn't totally new. He got in touch with me around 1 month ago and he just wrote me something so nice that I was sold almost right away. Oh, we're talking about the online thing again (that my mom is trying to convince my not to do, of course). He said I seemed like a special person and did I care to chat.
But why did he write me when he was actually too busy to be in touch with anyone?
So, I wrote back and then didn't hear from him in a couple of days so wrote again asking what was going on and then he said he wants to be in touch but he's too busy right now because of end of semester stuff. So I said I preferred if he'd just get in touch with me when he did have time to be in touch because I really didn't want to be in touch sporadically. I hate that stuff. I don't deal with it well at all. He really appreciated my straight-forwardness and said he'd be in touch with me later on. After a couple of weeks I wrote him again asking him if he was ever planning on getting in touch with me again but then I didn't hear back from him (yes, he read the email). So, I wrote again a couple of days ago that I would have appreciated the same straight-forwardness he had appreciated from he. He wrote back that he had been to busy to be in touch and that he didn't feel it was worth it to write when he wouldn't be able to be in touch for a week after that. That part definitely didn't make that much sense to me.
OK, 1st about me. I'm a big nerd. I'm a loser. I'm needy. I'm desperate. I have no patience. Fine, I have very little patience. I am throwing myself at the guy. I don't realize that I need to wait and if he wants me, he'll come and get me.
No, instead I keep writing and writing. You know how you can see how many letters you've exchanged with a person online? So, it's like twice the amount from me as from him to me.
So I feel like a big idiot but then on the other hand I don't because I hate rules. I hate having to do things that are so forced. I know that something might be forced and still the right thing to do but sometimes I'm just like, "Screw it," and I do what I want to do.
In this case I am pushing to be in touch with this guy. Why? Because he has one of the greatest profiles I've ever read. For those of you who know online dating (only for those of you who know it close up and personally), you know about those very few profiles that really touch you. You feel you understand them or really want to understand them. You find them intriguing. You feel interested in knowing the person who wrote that profile.
Sigh sigh sigh... This boy is like that. What a totally cool profile. It was so nice that when he wasn't answering me (at least the 1st time), I couldn't help but give him the benefit of the doubt because, I thought, anyone who could write such a profile must be so nice.
Anyway, now I don't know if I should answer what he wrote me or now just wait. On the one hand, the game rules could very possibly point to waiting but on the other hand, I truly do hate the rules in a passionate way. I need to just ignore his email? I'm not one to do that (usually). If I got an email from him, I want to answer it. It feels wrong not to.
Well, we shall see what I decide to do. At this moment I'm too tired. Bye bye...
QE
I'm so happy!!!
You know when you figure something out? I just figured out for the 1st time, how to add a link to a website within a posting on the blog. It is such a good feeling to do it (I even used html) and then look at the final product in the blog.
Yay!
BTW, that means that now you're going to be bombarded with links. : )
Yay!
BTW, that means that now you're going to be bombarded with links. : )
My dream, my blog
In the dream I scream out in front of thousands of people, what I really think. The most freeing "experience" I've ever had.
My blog is the same thing. It is my opportunity to scream out what I really think. It is potentially also to lots of people, if anyone ever ends up reading it.
But the point is it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. What matters is to write it and put it out there. That act in and of itself should be as freeing as screaming at the top of your lungs what you think, in a crowd of 1000's of people.
But what do I think?
One of the things I mention to my clients is the importance of giving things time. You can't expect change to happen overnight. I'm wondering if here too, I need time to warm up and then maybe my heart will open up and you'll get to see what I really am feeling.
Hey, I'd love to know what I'm really feeling. I'm always so busy thinking about what I should be thinking/feeling/doing. It's hard to get through all of that.
Because I really do want to be a nice person. I'm so worried that if I try to be more real, then I won't be a nice person anymore. Truth is, I'm terrified about that. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how true that is. I'm totally sure that if I didn't try so hard, I'd be a mean, gross, inconsiderate, loud, uncaring person.
My blog is the same thing. It is my opportunity to scream out what I really think. It is potentially also to lots of people, if anyone ever ends up reading it.
But the point is it doesn't matter if anyone reads it. What matters is to write it and put it out there. That act in and of itself should be as freeing as screaming at the top of your lungs what you think, in a crowd of 1000's of people.
But what do I think?
One of the things I mention to my clients is the importance of giving things time. You can't expect change to happen overnight. I'm wondering if here too, I need time to warm up and then maybe my heart will open up and you'll get to see what I really am feeling.
Hey, I'd love to know what I'm really feeling. I'm always so busy thinking about what I should be thinking/feeling/doing. It's hard to get through all of that.
Because I really do want to be a nice person. I'm so worried that if I try to be more real, then I won't be a nice person anymore. Truth is, I'm terrified about that. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how true that is. I'm totally sure that if I didn't try so hard, I'd be a mean, gross, inconsiderate, loud, uncaring person.
Sick or not sick, that is the question
You know when you're borderline so you don't know if you're really sick or not? Yesterday I started feeling a little yucky. Pains in my legs, back, throat... Most of those, real signs of fever on its way.
But my body temperature is so low that it's so hard for me to know when I have fever. Like, if this morning I had 36.8, and normal is around 37.0, it still doesn't' t tell me much because my temperature normally is quite lower than 37. (Click here for conversion between Celsius and Fahrenheit.) Problem is, whenever I get sick, I can never remember what my temperature is when I'm not sick and then I don't know if I have fever or not.
Today I only work in the afternoon so even though I usually go to a class in the morning, I took the opportunity to sleep in, which could help me feel better. Well, I'm definitely rested! But I still am not sure about my condition. And I just wish I was OK because I hate to have to cancel my work the day of. Then they have to call all my clients and push them off. It's preferable not to do it the day of.
Wow, is this the most boring blog posting you've ever read? Fine, if I want to be really truthful, you probably aren't even reading this to begin with! Good for you. Skip to the next one because this one is as boring as... um... any class taught by a bad teacher.
But my body temperature is so low that it's so hard for me to know when I have fever. Like, if this morning I had 36.8, and normal is around 37.0, it still doesn't' t tell me much because my temperature normally is quite lower than 37. (Click here for conversion between Celsius and Fahrenheit.) Problem is, whenever I get sick, I can never remember what my temperature is when I'm not sick and then I don't know if I have fever or not.
Today I only work in the afternoon so even though I usually go to a class in the morning, I took the opportunity to sleep in, which could help me feel better. Well, I'm definitely rested! But I still am not sure about my condition. And I just wish I was OK because I hate to have to cancel my work the day of. Then they have to call all my clients and push them off. It's preferable not to do it the day of.
Wow, is this the most boring blog posting you've ever read? Fine, if I want to be really truthful, you probably aren't even reading this to begin with! Good for you. Skip to the next one because this one is as boring as... um... any class taught by a bad teacher.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I had a dream
I'm guessing that my dream is as important as Martin Luther King's dream. At least to me. And what's important to me, is important to the whole world, right? Anyway, here is a quote from the letter I wrote about my dream, to my homeopath:
"A few nights ago I had the craziest dream ever. Mainly weird because of my extremely positive feelings towards it.
We were at a humongous gathering. Some sort of a protest but not sure what kind because people were being all calm. I remember feeling like no one was really saying what they were feeling and so I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I started screaming at the top of my lungs (remember, really big place with thousands of people) everything I really thought. I just kept screaming and screaming. Finally, 2 security guards came to take care of me. I was sure at 1st that they were going to do something bad to me. They picked me up and it looked as if they were going to put me in a bookcase (hey, what can I say? it was a dream) but then, I think they just took me out of the hall.
Turns out that because of the way I acted, they put 24/7 security on me. So everywhere I went, everything I did, I had 2 guards with me.
Don't ask me why. I feel AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about this dream! I'm telling you. I feel ecstatic everytime I think of this dream. Seriously, as I'm writing this, I have tears in my eyes from feeling so unbelievable about it. And amusingly, the whole guards thing makes me feel great too. I just love to even think about it. I don't know why! I mean, I'm laughing and crying and my stomach is going a little crazy, just thinking about it. I'm so excited about it."
That is what I wrote to my homeopath. See, this actually totally makes sense because my personality includes always trying to figure out the right thing to say and do. I never want to say the wrong thing. My conscience is humongous. Whenever I do maybe say something blunt, I feel so badly about it because I'm so worried about someone getting hurt from it or what someone might think about me from it.
But on the other hand I am quite the blunt person. I often say things most people would be scared to say. But I guess the point is that within that, I am extremely calculated. Or at least, I try as hard as I can to be.
In this dream, I did the opposite of what I'm always trying to do. I said what I thought, and not just in a secret diary locked up somewhere but in front of thousands of people. I screamed it at the top of my lungs! I kept going and going. It was the most liberating experience.
So when the guards came to take me away, it didn't really matter because I felt so great about having gotten it all of my chest. I didn't feel any guilt from it. I didn't worry about it. Even though it was serious enough that the authorities obviously got nervous about me and decided to put 24/7 guards on me. And not just 1. I always had 2 people following me around. In my dream, I even go to work with the guards.
Funny. I still feel good when I think about it. Why in the world would I like the idea of being followed around?
So, as you see, I really did have a dream and it's a beautiful dream. Maybe one day I can be a really happy person. What a beautiful idea. Imagine... Feeling so happy.
Please G-d I hope one day to feel as happy from something in "real" life as I did/do from that dream.
That is what I wrote to my homeopath. See, this actually totally makes sense because my personality includes always trying to figure out the right thing to say and do. I never want to say the wrong thing. My conscience is humongous. Whenever I do maybe say something blunt, I feel so badly about it because I'm so worried about someone getting hurt from it or what someone might think about me from it.
But on the other hand I am quite the blunt person. I often say things most people would be scared to say. But I guess the point is that within that, I am extremely calculated. Or at least, I try as hard as I can to be.
In this dream, I did the opposite of what I'm always trying to do. I said what I thought, and not just in a secret diary locked up somewhere but in front of thousands of people. I screamed it at the top of my lungs! I kept going and going. It was the most liberating experience.
So when the guards came to take me away, it didn't really matter because I felt so great about having gotten it all of my chest. I didn't feel any guilt from it. I didn't worry about it. Even though it was serious enough that the authorities obviously got nervous about me and decided to put 24/7 guards on me. And not just 1. I always had 2 people following me around. In my dream, I even go to work with the guards.
Funny. I still feel good when I think about it. Why in the world would I like the idea of being followed around?
So, as you see, I really did have a dream and it's a beautiful dream. Maybe one day I can be a really happy person. What a beautiful idea. Imagine... Feeling so happy.
Please G-d I hope one day to feel as happy from something in "real" life as I did/do from that dream.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Lonely
I'm feeling lonely. Funny 'cause right now I'm surrounded by lots of family. And we're having such a nice time together. But now, when I am getting up to go to work, I'm feeling lonely.
It's amazing how our souls yearn for that connection on the deepest level. Without ever having experienced it, I can't help but want someone with whom I can share life's experiences, truly.
The world is such a lonely place if you don't have a partner for the ride.
It's amazing how our souls yearn for that connection on the deepest level. Without ever having experienced it, I can't help but want someone with whom I can share life's experiences, truly.
The world is such a lonely place if you don't have a partner for the ride.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Writing diarrhea
This one girl was going to therapists for around 4 years. But then, when she was seeing a different type of therapist, suddenly, all the "real stuff" started coming out that, in fact, never came out during all the hours spent in therapy.
All those years, the therapists were unable to get on anything close to the same wave-length as this girl.
The other therapist (not a psychologist) showed her that she could totally trust her. Also she let her have free email writing to her. The woman who is the therapist explained that it was really like diarrhea. She really poured out her heart for months (years?).
You know, that just sounds like such an amazing thing to do. Imagine getting it all off your chest...
I automatically thought about this, my anonymous blog. It is an opportunity to do the same thing. But I don't know why it isn't coming out. Maybe it just needs time. I do get nervous that someone I know will read it. I get nervous about sharing my "dark stuff" with others.
Then I think maybe I should do it just on my comp, and not publish it. But I can just feel the importance of actually sharing my thoughts with someone. If I were writing this only for myself, I would write it.
Anyway, we'll see if the deep and dark stuff ever comes out. It sure would be a load off much chest.
All those years, the therapists were unable to get on anything close to the same wave-length as this girl.
The other therapist (not a psychologist) showed her that she could totally trust her. Also she let her have free email writing to her. The woman who is the therapist explained that it was really like diarrhea. She really poured out her heart for months (years?).
You know, that just sounds like such an amazing thing to do. Imagine getting it all off your chest...
I automatically thought about this, my anonymous blog. It is an opportunity to do the same thing. But I don't know why it isn't coming out. Maybe it just needs time. I do get nervous that someone I know will read it. I get nervous about sharing my "dark stuff" with others.
Then I think maybe I should do it just on my comp, and not publish it. But I can just feel the importance of actually sharing my thoughts with someone. If I were writing this only for myself, I would write it.
Anyway, we'll see if the deep and dark stuff ever comes out. It sure would be a load off much chest.
End of the guy story
So, after being pretty much as nervous as is possible before a date, finally I met the guy of which I have spoken quite a bit here in the past few days.
He came to my side of the world and gave me a day of his time here.
It was quite a bumming out experience, if you can say that. So sad. So upsetting.
On the one hand, we actually had quite a unique connection about many things. You know, when you feel like you really do understand what the other person is really trying to say? And when he says, "I know what you mean," it feels as though he really does? So, that happened on the date. And so often I actually really, really appreciated what he thought and said about things.
Except...............
He looked at me too much, if you know what I mean. And he kept saying things. I mean, they could totally be taken as compliments, and I guess in a way they are, but when they aren't said at the right time, G-d it is such a turn-off.
For example, he was telling me a story and then he started telling me another story but then he stopped and mentioned that maybe he's talking too much. When I said it was fine and that I wanted to hear the story, he said it is his pleasure to tell it in order to get me to laugh like that again because he loved when I laughed how I do. ***BLUSH!!!***
And he kept saying what a nice time he was having. He wished he didn't have to leave...
The totally, absolutely worst part, though, was when we were walking and he kept getting too close to me. And then we went into a bookstore and while we were talking, he kept coming too close so I'd have to take a step back and seriously I felt I was gonna end up on the other side of the freakin' store because of that!
But I'm not finished. The grand finale was when he leaned towards me and wispered something to me about another woman in the store, while meanwhile taking the opportunity to take a sniff of my hair. "Your hair smells really nice," he said. "Thank you," I answered, taking a giant step away from him.
: ( : ( : (
As I mentioned, I'm religious. I don't expect a guy to be like that with me. I expect there to be distance. But then I'm thinking, "I'm not that religious so what can I expect from guys I'm gonna date?"
So today I spoke to a girl I'm friends with who isn't religious. I asked her if it's accepted in her circles for a guy to touch a girl (hold hands, touch her hair...) on a 1st date. She said not unless the whole date is only a fling. Otherwise no. And she told me how the 2nd time her and her now husband met, they sat in his room all night talking and he didn't once make a move to touch her. She respected that so much because it showed he was serious.
That is one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard.
Anyway, the whole date is upsetting because I did like a lot about his mind. But he was a little weird, he was too horny and he's just not for me.
So now I'm freaked out by internet dating, again. I say again because I'm sure it's not my 1st time being freaked out by it.
There are things you can know through net dating while not through blind dates and visa versa. But the whole thing of just knowing that the guy is basically normal, I'm thinking you can know much more through set-ups. Someone has met him (hopefully) and seen that he isn't a freak.
I think I will need some time to get over this date because I can't really get myself to look into any new options right away. I guess I just hope I will get over it because, well, I do want to meet the love of my life... I wish so much I could just meet him somewhere natural.
He came to my side of the world and gave me a day of his time here.
It was quite a bumming out experience, if you can say that. So sad. So upsetting.
On the one hand, we actually had quite a unique connection about many things. You know, when you feel like you really do understand what the other person is really trying to say? And when he says, "I know what you mean," it feels as though he really does? So, that happened on the date. And so often I actually really, really appreciated what he thought and said about things.
Except...............
He looked at me too much, if you know what I mean. And he kept saying things. I mean, they could totally be taken as compliments, and I guess in a way they are, but when they aren't said at the right time, G-d it is such a turn-off.
For example, he was telling me a story and then he started telling me another story but then he stopped and mentioned that maybe he's talking too much. When I said it was fine and that I wanted to hear the story, he said it is his pleasure to tell it in order to get me to laugh like that again because he loved when I laughed how I do. ***BLUSH!!!***
And he kept saying what a nice time he was having. He wished he didn't have to leave...
The totally, absolutely worst part, though, was when we were walking and he kept getting too close to me. And then we went into a bookstore and while we were talking, he kept coming too close so I'd have to take a step back and seriously I felt I was gonna end up on the other side of the freakin' store because of that!
But I'm not finished. The grand finale was when he leaned towards me and wispered something to me about another woman in the store, while meanwhile taking the opportunity to take a sniff of my hair. "Your hair smells really nice," he said. "Thank you," I answered, taking a giant step away from him.
: ( : ( : (
As I mentioned, I'm religious. I don't expect a guy to be like that with me. I expect there to be distance. But then I'm thinking, "I'm not that religious so what can I expect from guys I'm gonna date?"
So today I spoke to a girl I'm friends with who isn't religious. I asked her if it's accepted in her circles for a guy to touch a girl (hold hands, touch her hair...) on a 1st date. She said not unless the whole date is only a fling. Otherwise no. And she told me how the 2nd time her and her now husband met, they sat in his room all night talking and he didn't once make a move to touch her. She respected that so much because it showed he was serious.
That is one of the most beautiful stories I've ever heard.
Anyway, the whole date is upsetting because I did like a lot about his mind. But he was a little weird, he was too horny and he's just not for me.
So now I'm freaked out by internet dating, again. I say again because I'm sure it's not my 1st time being freaked out by it.
There are things you can know through net dating while not through blind dates and visa versa. But the whole thing of just knowing that the guy is basically normal, I'm thinking you can know much more through set-ups. Someone has met him (hopefully) and seen that he isn't a freak.
I think I will need some time to get over this date because I can't really get myself to look into any new options right away. I guess I just hope I will get over it because, well, I do want to meet the love of my life... I wish so much I could just meet him somewhere natural.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Difficult relatives
My grandmother just came to visit. I am by no stretch of the imagination over-weight. OK, I could be a tiny bit more firm but if asked my body type, I must say "thin."
Well my grandmother is very proud of her in-shape-ness. Rightfully so. She looks amazing for her age. So, I was moving some clothes out of the closet which will be hers for the next few weeks and she saw a skirt which is especially beautiful. She asked me about it and I told her (I shouldn't have) that it was indeed a beautiful skirt but I bought it even though it was too small on me and so... it's too small on me!
I have been trying to work on just being happy with myself. I shouldn't have to look any different than I do right now in order to like how I look. So, part of this would mean that if something doesn't fit me, get rid of it. I should have done that long ago but sometimes it's hard to. There is so much pressure to be tiny that there is often the on-going hope of fitting into something that is too small.
Anyway, the point is that my grandmother said, so lose some weight. G-d... Is a woman not allowed to have some natural thigh waves? Grrrr.... It is not easy having her live here for so long. I often get annoyed at her.
QE
Well my grandmother is very proud of her in-shape-ness. Rightfully so. She looks amazing for her age. So, I was moving some clothes out of the closet which will be hers for the next few weeks and she saw a skirt which is especially beautiful. She asked me about it and I told her (I shouldn't have) that it was indeed a beautiful skirt but I bought it even though it was too small on me and so... it's too small on me!
I have been trying to work on just being happy with myself. I shouldn't have to look any different than I do right now in order to like how I look. So, part of this would mean that if something doesn't fit me, get rid of it. I should have done that long ago but sometimes it's hard to. There is so much pressure to be tiny that there is often the on-going hope of fitting into something that is too small.
Anyway, the point is that my grandmother said, so lose some weight. G-d... Is a woman not allowed to have some natural thigh waves? Grrrr.... It is not easy having her live here for so long. I often get annoyed at her.
QE
Update on guy
There have been some updates. But I'm so tired... And for some reason I'm feeling uncomfortable about writing freely anymore. Suddenly I'm paranoid that someone I know is going to find my blog and figure out who I am. And the more I write about specific things that happen, the more a chance there is of this happening.
Though come on! What are the chances? Probably a kadrillion to one.
Anyway, I was just going crazy already, not hearing from mister boy so I wrote him asking what's up and is anything wrong. He said that he was still not sure if he was coming for certain reasons (he told me why). He asked me for my cell phone. I gave it to him but then again emailed him saying I'm feeling annoying and all but the suspense was killing me and I really wanted to know what was happening in the end.
Anyway, today, while I was at work, he called and left me a message that it seems he's gonna be coming over here. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!
I listened to the message... wondering what he's gonna sound like... You know, I really don't know much about him (obviously - how much do we know about people we meet anyway) but my opinion changed so much from hearing his message.
Truth be told, I really didn't like how he sounded. I mean, his message was totally fine. He told me what his plans are and when he'd want to meet him. Fine. But... I hated his voice.
I FEEL SO BAD!!!!!! See what I'm talking about with this good girl stuff? I mean, get over it! So I didn't like how he sounded. OK. So, I'll meet him. It's fine if I don't end up liking him. And this is all legitimate. Geez...
Queeeeeeen Esther
Though come on! What are the chances? Probably a kadrillion to one.
Anyway, I was just going crazy already, not hearing from mister boy so I wrote him asking what's up and is anything wrong. He said that he was still not sure if he was coming for certain reasons (he told me why). He asked me for my cell phone. I gave it to him but then again emailed him saying I'm feeling annoying and all but the suspense was killing me and I really wanted to know what was happening in the end.
Anyway, today, while I was at work, he called and left me a message that it seems he's gonna be coming over here. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!
I listened to the message... wondering what he's gonna sound like... You know, I really don't know much about him (obviously - how much do we know about people we meet anyway) but my opinion changed so much from hearing his message.
Truth be told, I really didn't like how he sounded. I mean, his message was totally fine. He told me what his plans are and when he'd want to meet him. Fine. But... I hated his voice.
I FEEL SO BAD!!!!!! See what I'm talking about with this good girl stuff? I mean, get over it! So I didn't like how he sounded. OK. So, I'll meet him. It's fine if I don't end up liking him. And this is all legitimate. Geez...
Queeeeeeen Esther
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Fictitious letter
This is to just let you know that I didn't actually send the letter that I wrote in the post before this one. It's hard to be upset at someone you don't know at all. I so don't want to make a bad impression on him, even though I know I should just be myself. It's hard to trust that there is someone out there who will like you in spite of or because of your quirkiness.
So, it is a fictitious letter to just get it off my chest. We'll see what happens in the end. I'm going so freakin' crazy, just waiting to hear from him. I guess maybe if he realized how it affects me, he'd be more considerate about this. So possible he doesn't think it's been a long time since he wrote last. And that there is no reason to email me unless it's with his plans. That is one of the reasons I don't want to tell him I'm upset. Because it's totally possible he just thinks and sees things differently than me (I mean, 100% that he does because we are 2 different people) and I do want to give this a chance so... I shall continue suffering in silence, while screaming virtually right here. : )
So, it is a fictitious letter to just get it off my chest. We'll see what happens in the end. I'm going so freakin' crazy, just waiting to hear from him. I guess maybe if he realized how it affects me, he'd be more considerate about this. So possible he doesn't think it's been a long time since he wrote last. And that there is no reason to email me unless it's with his plans. That is one of the reasons I don't want to tell him I'm upset. Because it's totally possible he just thinks and sees things differently than me (I mean, 100% that he does because we are 2 different people) and I do want to give this a chance so... I shall continue suffering in silence, while screaming virtually right here. : )
My letter to the boy
Boy,
What can I say? I'm upset. What can I do... I am. You tell me you might be coming to my country and then for days you aren't in touch with me with an update regarding your tentative trip.
You know, there are a lot of things that impressed me very positively, when we were in touch by email a couple of months ago. Because of this, when you said you might be coming, I got very excited (not to mention nervous out of my mind). And then I start feeling so stupid when you aren't even in touch with me about the trip.
Why can't you send me 1 email? Do you still not get that I need that? You emailed me a couple of days ago and meanwhile, no more. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?!?! I don't understand why you can't at least send me an email, even if it's an email stating that you still don't know if you're coming or not.
You know, to me that is just normal. To update the other person, even if the update is that there is no update.
So maybe you have this great reason for not being able to email me yesterday and the day before, right? OK, please tell me because I don't wanna be upset with you. I want to like you. I really do... But right now I'm upset and I need to know what's going on.
You know, I've considered just calling the whole thing off. What do I need this for? But, I really want to meet you in person, at least once, so I can see how you are in person. I can find out if my daydreams about you are at all true.
Queen Esther
What can I say? I'm upset. What can I do... I am. You tell me you might be coming to my country and then for days you aren't in touch with me with an update regarding your tentative trip.
You know, there are a lot of things that impressed me very positively, when we were in touch by email a couple of months ago. Because of this, when you said you might be coming, I got very excited (not to mention nervous out of my mind). And then I start feeling so stupid when you aren't even in touch with me about the trip.
Why can't you send me 1 email? Do you still not get that I need that? You emailed me a couple of days ago and meanwhile, no more. WHAT IS GOING ON!?!?!?! I don't understand why you can't at least send me an email, even if it's an email stating that you still don't know if you're coming or not.
You know, to me that is just normal. To update the other person, even if the update is that there is no update.
So maybe you have this great reason for not being able to email me yesterday and the day before, right? OK, please tell me because I don't wanna be upset with you. I want to like you. I really do... But right now I'm upset and I need to know what's going on.
You know, I've considered just calling the whole thing off. What do I need this for? But, I really want to meet you in person, at least once, so I can see how you are in person. I can find out if my daydreams about you are at all true.
Queen Esther
Monday, January 09, 2006
The big question: Why an anonymous blog?
As I think I mentioned, on my yucky date the other evening, the guy said he couldn't understand what would make a person want to have an anonymous blog. Of course it prompted me to respond (I think only in my head because I was not feeling in the emotion-sharing mood with him at all), "I love the idea! I'm going to get one started asap."
Why, though do I like the idea?
So pretty much it is supposed to be a diary, not necessarily about what happens but really, really, what am I feeling about things. The big, humongous difference between this and a regular diary is that it is specifically in a place where, theoretically, anyone can see it. A diary is supposed to be written in a book that you put away in a place where hopefully no one will read it.
Why do we want to write our deepest secrets in a way so that the closest people to us won't read it but anyone else can?
Firstly, I think it's preferable over a book because this way, there is much less of a chance of someone I know reading it. If it is a book, it is harder to keep away from hands of others. Supposedly I trust those who are close to me but in the past, I have thought of things I wanted to write and I didn't write them because I felt bad to put it on paper, one of the reasons being that someone one day might read it.
But still, why do I want strangers to read this? It's a hard question.
One possibility is that maybe I'd get feedback from strangers about things I'm scared to bring up with people I'm close to and it will give me strength to be open with my close ones because those feelings are accepted by the blog reader. Got it? In other words, I'm testing out my feelings in safe waters.
That really is the main reason I can think of. The bottom line is that we want to be liked, loved, accepted. And there is so much about myself that I am scared can't be liked, loved, accepted. This gives me a chance to express those parts of me, test them on others and see how they take it.
But there is the possibility that no one will read my blog ever. Then what? Then what is the point?
If I wasn't so tired, I'd try to think of a reasons for that.
Good day/night/eve/afternoon.
Why, though do I like the idea?
So pretty much it is supposed to be a diary, not necessarily about what happens but really, really, what am I feeling about things. The big, humongous difference between this and a regular diary is that it is specifically in a place where, theoretically, anyone can see it. A diary is supposed to be written in a book that you put away in a place where hopefully no one will read it.
Why do we want to write our deepest secrets in a way so that the closest people to us won't read it but anyone else can?
Firstly, I think it's preferable over a book because this way, there is much less of a chance of someone I know reading it. If it is a book, it is harder to keep away from hands of others. Supposedly I trust those who are close to me but in the past, I have thought of things I wanted to write and I didn't write them because I felt bad to put it on paper, one of the reasons being that someone one day might read it.
But still, why do I want strangers to read this? It's a hard question.
One possibility is that maybe I'd get feedback from strangers about things I'm scared to bring up with people I'm close to and it will give me strength to be open with my close ones because those feelings are accepted by the blog reader. Got it? In other words, I'm testing out my feelings in safe waters.
That really is the main reason I can think of. The bottom line is that we want to be liked, loved, accepted. And there is so much about myself that I am scared can't be liked, loved, accepted. This gives me a chance to express those parts of me, test them on others and see how they take it.
But there is the possibility that no one will read my blog ever. Then what? Then what is the point?
If I wasn't so tired, I'd try to think of a reasons for that.
Good day/night/eve/afternoon.
I will survive
Finally I decided I needed to get out. Even though I was out today, I rested in the afternoon and after the groggy feeling, I felt so rested that I needed to get out. Of course the real deciding factor was my checking my email every second to see if lover-boy has written.
Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
It's so hard for me to really accept myself how I am. Like with this, I'm obsessing over the guy. Yes, that is how I am. But, besides obsessing over it, I'm also feeling bad about obsessing over it. I mean, if I'd give myself a break, then I'd only obsess, I wouldn't feel bad about it and then I'd at least be suffering less negative emotions at once.
Woops. Now I'm feeling bad about feeling bad about obsessing. Sick, no?
Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
It's so hard for me to really accept myself how I am. Like with this, I'm obsessing over the guy. Yes, that is how I am. But, besides obsessing over it, I'm also feeling bad about obsessing over it. I mean, if I'd give myself a break, then I'd only obsess, I wouldn't feel bad about it and then I'd at least be suffering less negative emotions at once.
Woops. Now I'm feeling bad about feeling bad about obsessing. Sick, no?
Woe unto me
I am slowly going crazy... As the song so eloquently goes. Why? Of course boy stuff.
But lets discuss the title of this posting for a moment.
Woe unto me originates in Job:
Job 10:15 If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;
For more on this phrase and others, check out [[http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/413900.html]].
Geez... I mean, he really meant it when he said it, didn't he? He lost his whole family and everything he had even though he was considered a good guy. That is the big question of the book: Bad things happening to good people.
Anyway, but I have my own, personal Woe is me.
I mean, I just can't take it!!!!!!! Is this guy coming to visit or not? And can he not at least keep me somewhat updated on the plans? I'm sure by now he has an idea of it it's leading to yes or no... Leaving me hanging like this is torture.
Because meanwhile I'm killing myself thinking, thinking, thinking... Thinking about him and us and me and wondering if there even is any potential. I'm wondering if I got ahead of myself in getting excited about him. I read our email exchanges and wonder.
I don't know him! I know almost nothing about him. Last email I wrote him, I asked him for his last name. I don't think I'm going to do anything with it (well, besides googling it, of course) but it bothers me that he doesn't write his name in his emails so that when you get a letter from him, in the "From" it just states the beginning of his email address.
OK... But as I mentioned, I don't know him. That is for the good too. It is possible he is way the coolest best guy ever and I just don't know him yet. There have been things in his emails that I have absolutely loved. That is why I have this major crush on him. So it's possible he doesn't always answer everything I ask him because he is private. It's also possible he has unpleasant answers for some of the questions and prefers not to answer over email. And, btw, it is possible he doesn't love email.
Oh G-d... This search for a life partner sure is tough, to say the least.
But lets discuss the title of this posting for a moment.
Woe unto me originates in Job:
Job 10:15 If I be wicked, woe unto me; and if I be righteous, yet will I not lift up my head. I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction;
For more on this phrase and others, check out [[http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/413900.html]].
Geez... I mean, he really meant it when he said it, didn't he? He lost his whole family and everything he had even though he was considered a good guy. That is the big question of the book: Bad things happening to good people.
Anyway, but I have my own, personal Woe is me.
I mean, I just can't take it!!!!!!! Is this guy coming to visit or not? And can he not at least keep me somewhat updated on the plans? I'm sure by now he has an idea of it it's leading to yes or no... Leaving me hanging like this is torture.
Because meanwhile I'm killing myself thinking, thinking, thinking... Thinking about him and us and me and wondering if there even is any potential. I'm wondering if I got ahead of myself in getting excited about him. I read our email exchanges and wonder.
I don't know him! I know almost nothing about him. Last email I wrote him, I asked him for his last name. I don't think I'm going to do anything with it (well, besides googling it, of course) but it bothers me that he doesn't write his name in his emails so that when you get a letter from him, in the "From" it just states the beginning of his email address.
OK... But as I mentioned, I don't know him. That is for the good too. It is possible he is way the coolest best guy ever and I just don't know him yet. There have been things in his emails that I have absolutely loved. That is why I have this major crush on him. So it's possible he doesn't always answer everything I ask him because he is private. It's also possible he has unpleasant answers for some of the questions and prefers not to answer over email. And, btw, it is possible he doesn't love email.
Oh G-d... This search for a life partner sure is tough, to say the least.
What was annoying in "Hitch"
I wrote yesterday about how much I enjoyed the movie Hitch. There are a couple of things that annoyed me about the movie and they both involved the roles the different sexes play in the movie.
Firstly, the guys in the movie come in all shapes, sizes and colours. And yet, the women are all quite tall, always very thin, put-together and "good-looking."
The second thing that bothered me is the fact that it's always the guys that make a decision which girl they want and that pretty much closes the deal. Of course nothing is done without the girls' consents but it's the guys who make the big decision and the only thing left is to convince the women to go along. A little weird too...
Firstly, the guys in the movie come in all shapes, sizes and colours. And yet, the women are all quite tall, always very thin, put-together and "good-looking."
The second thing that bothered me is the fact that it's always the guys that make a decision which girl they want and that pretty much closes the deal. Of course nothing is done without the girls' consents but it's the guys who make the big decision and the only thing left is to convince the women to go along. A little weird too...
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Loving the name spillinguts and wanting fame
I just love the name I chose for my blog.
I just read a book by Stephen King about writing called, On Writing. Quite a good book. One of the things he says a few times is that you can't write in order to become famous. You need to write to write. Writing for the wrong reasons (to make money, fame, whateva') sucks. It's wrong. It doesn't work.
Well, I think of fame. Yes, little ol' me. I laugh when I think about that. I mean, if I think about fame, then every man in African tribes is thinking of fame.
What the hell am I thinking of fame for? That is screwed up. Really screwy.
Geez... And then to think that as I'm writing this blog, I'm dreaming about it one day being a big-time popular blog. I mean, am I the biggest nerd in the world? I'd have to meet everyone else in order to find out.
So, I was just thinking that it's such a cool name that I chose that it's bound to attract someone at some point and I just wrote so freakin' well that they're bound to bookmark it and pass it on to all their friends. And so on and so forth. I mean, it's just so obvious that this is gonna be BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG. I hope I'll be able to keep up when it happens. It could be hard. Once you are famous, there are expectations of you and you need to try to fill them.
And THAT, my dear millions of readers, is the reason it is just plain wrong to write in order to become famous. Because the second you start thinking about, "What would they like to read about?" you aren't writing from the right place. Things won't come from the right place within you. The whole thing will just be all messed up. Really, that is what is gonna happen.
So, my loyal, trillions of readers, pay attention! When you are reading this, and I am so damn famous I even recognize myself in the mirror, it will be because I wasn't writing this with you in mind. How does that make you feel?
Love,
Queen Esther
I just read a book by Stephen King about writing called, On Writing. Quite a good book. One of the things he says a few times is that you can't write in order to become famous. You need to write to write. Writing for the wrong reasons (to make money, fame, whateva') sucks. It's wrong. It doesn't work.
Well, I think of fame. Yes, little ol' me. I laugh when I think about that. I mean, if I think about fame, then every man in African tribes is thinking of fame.
What the hell am I thinking of fame for? That is screwed up. Really screwy.
Geez... And then to think that as I'm writing this blog, I'm dreaming about it one day being a big-time popular blog. I mean, am I the biggest nerd in the world? I'd have to meet everyone else in order to find out.
So, I was just thinking that it's such a cool name that I chose that it's bound to attract someone at some point and I just wrote so freakin' well that they're bound to bookmark it and pass it on to all their friends. And so on and so forth. I mean, it's just so obvious that this is gonna be BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG. I hope I'll be able to keep up when it happens. It could be hard. Once you are famous, there are expectations of you and you need to try to fill them.
And THAT, my dear millions of readers, is the reason it is just plain wrong to write in order to become famous. Because the second you start thinking about, "What would they like to read about?" you aren't writing from the right place. Things won't come from the right place within you. The whole thing will just be all messed up. Really, that is what is gonna happen.
So, my loyal, trillions of readers, pay attention! When you are reading this, and I am so damn famous I even recognize myself in the mirror, it will be because I wasn't writing this with you in mind. How does that make you feel?
Love,
Queen Esther
Hitch is so cool
You know when you feel like a teeny-bopper. When you feel like sighing and you are seeing the world as such a romantic place?
How funny that the movie Hitch just did that to me. It's the one where Will Smith is the date doctor. I love when he says to the sleeze bucket that he works for men who actually LIKE women. Sigh. Woh is me. Thank G-d I believe everything I ever see on TV or in a movie. : ) Now I know that there are men who genuinly like women. That is so nice I could faint on the floor at this very moment.
The movie also made me laugh so much. I just found them to be hilarious (Will and the guy from King of Queens). Such a totally fun movie.
Sigh... Romance. Believing in romance isn't just believing in actual romance - boy meets girl - but it's believing in this world having potential for good.
My grandmother is a romantic. Her story of how her and my grandfather met is obviously totally romantic (I wonder what percentage of it is true). Then, after he passed away, she got married around 1 year later to another man with whom she fell madly in love. He also passed away and though she is not young, to say the least, she is as vibrant as I've ever seen anyone (except maybe than a 2 year old). She loves life (even though it has fed her some very tough stuff) and she can't help but seek out new romance.
I don't think I know someone as romantic as her. It kills her that so many of her marriage-age grandchildren are still single. Of course, instead of that leading to romantic feelings on our part, it leads to stressful-don't-want-to-tell-grandmother-anything-about-my-dating-life but she means well.
Actually, the grandma is coming to visit my family (we live very far away from each other) starting the end of this week for around 6 weeks... Ooooh Myyyyy G-----d...
Why do I always feel I'm the toughest one to get along with? My dad just smiles and nods. My mom tells her mom what she really thinks so they argue and get over it. And I'm just trying to avoid having to let my grandmother in on my life. I really don't want to discuss things with my grandmother. And she is so upset at me about that. Last time she was here she got really hurt when I wouldn't discuss anything with her about a guy I was dating. Turns out, she built up in her mind that I was going to marry him. Too bad for her. A few days after we broke up, he had his 1st date with his future wife. They got married a couple of weeks ago.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me give me give me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even imagine what it's like to love someone and have them truly love you back. Sigh oh sigh.
Yes, I sigh a lot. : )
How funny that the movie Hitch just did that to me. It's the one where Will Smith is the date doctor. I love when he says to the sleeze bucket that he works for men who actually LIKE women. Sigh. Woh is me. Thank G-d I believe everything I ever see on TV or in a movie. : ) Now I know that there are men who genuinly like women. That is so nice I could faint on the floor at this very moment.
The movie also made me laugh so much. I just found them to be hilarious (Will and the guy from King of Queens). Such a totally fun movie.
Sigh... Romance. Believing in romance isn't just believing in actual romance - boy meets girl - but it's believing in this world having potential for good.
My grandmother is a romantic. Her story of how her and my grandfather met is obviously totally romantic (I wonder what percentage of it is true). Then, after he passed away, she got married around 1 year later to another man with whom she fell madly in love. He also passed away and though she is not young, to say the least, she is as vibrant as I've ever seen anyone (except maybe than a 2 year old). She loves life (even though it has fed her some very tough stuff) and she can't help but seek out new romance.
I don't think I know someone as romantic as her. It kills her that so many of her marriage-age grandchildren are still single. Of course, instead of that leading to romantic feelings on our part, it leads to stressful-don't-want-to-tell-grandmother-anything-about-my-dating-life but she means well.
Actually, the grandma is coming to visit my family (we live very far away from each other) starting the end of this week for around 6 weeks... Ooooh Myyyyy G-----d...
Why do I always feel I'm the toughest one to get along with? My dad just smiles and nods. My mom tells her mom what she really thinks so they argue and get over it. And I'm just trying to avoid having to let my grandmother in on my life. I really don't want to discuss things with my grandmother. And she is so upset at me about that. Last time she was here she got really hurt when I wouldn't discuss anything with her about a guy I was dating. Turns out, she built up in her mind that I was going to marry him. Too bad for her. A few days after we broke up, he had his 1st date with his future wife. They got married a couple of weeks ago.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me give me give me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even imagine what it's like to love someone and have them truly love you back. Sigh oh sigh.
Yes, I sigh a lot. : )
Sex
Of all things, I'm going to write a bit about sex while sitting here in this religous environment. Can I do it? I am feeling extremely uncomfortable about it. I'm feeling hot, all of a sudden. I'm so nervous that someone (for the 1st time ever but still, you never know) is going to come in and check out what I'm writing on the computer...
Hmmm... It seems just writing the word "sex" is enough for me for now. : ) Bye bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmmm... It seems just writing the word "sex" is enough for me for now. : ) Bye bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Being open in a religious environment
Wondering what I do for a living? I have a job where I meet with people 1 on 1 and help them with different issues. It's so paranoid of me that I don't want to say what I do because the internet world is so humongous and so what are the chances of someone I know coming across this blog?
But, though that might be true, if it were to happen, and they figured out who I am, it would totally defeat the purpose. I'd prefer to be a little mysterious than end up not getting out of the blog what I want to get out of it.
Anyway, so I work with people. One of the offices in which I work, the clients are mostly extremely religious. That is where I am right now. And today is quite a quiet day so I am able to write here. But I must say that just sitting in a room which I know caters to very religious people makes it difficult for me to easily spill my guts. There are just so many more rules in the religious life. I know it depends what religion we're talking about. But in this one it's definitely true. I definitely find many pluses in this. First and formost, no office is more pleasant to work in than this one. The workers and the clients are so much more... I don't know if I'd call it refined. But maybe more aware.
Forget trying to figure out exactly what it is. The bottom line is that they are nicer to me. And guess what. Not everyone is nice to me. I know, shocker. As you can already tell, I'm one of the nicest people you know. But sometimes people aren't so nice.
What in the world is my point in all of this?
But, though that might be true, if it were to happen, and they figured out who I am, it would totally defeat the purpose. I'd prefer to be a little mysterious than end up not getting out of the blog what I want to get out of it.
Anyway, so I work with people. One of the offices in which I work, the clients are mostly extremely religious. That is where I am right now. And today is quite a quiet day so I am able to write here. But I must say that just sitting in a room which I know caters to very religious people makes it difficult for me to easily spill my guts. There are just so many more rules in the religious life. I know it depends what religion we're talking about. But in this one it's definitely true. I definitely find many pluses in this. First and formost, no office is more pleasant to work in than this one. The workers and the clients are so much more... I don't know if I'd call it refined. But maybe more aware.
Forget trying to figure out exactly what it is. The bottom line is that they are nicer to me. And guess what. Not everyone is nice to me. I know, shocker. As you can already tell, I'm one of the nicest people you know. But sometimes people aren't so nice.
What in the world is my point in all of this?
I am a nervous wreck
Did I write about my date last night that was boring as hell? Well, I'm not really sure how boring hell is and I'm sure the guy is very nice and stuff but oy vey.
Anyway, now I'm so nervous I can hardly function. This guy who I met online a few months ago may be travelling to my side of the world in a few days. We were in touch but then I told him I couldn't be in touch until he could make more of a commitment. So, if he comes over here, we'll get to meet face-to-face for the first time.
Let me barf now and just get it over with.
He seems cute and sweet and nice and considerate and smart and cool and that is why I'm going to barf. I mean, first of all, I need to barf if he really is that amazing. That means that maybe it could work out. Or, I need to barf if he isn't as impressive as he seems to be over the net. Maybe he's lying about things. Maybe he's a freak. G-d forbid! I'm so scared about that.
Anyway, he still isn't sure he's coming. He should probably know today or tomorrow. I am so freaked out I can't even discribe it! I have so many "What-ifs" in my head right now, I can't even function.
What if I like him but he doesn't like me?
What if I like him and he likes me?
What if I don't like him but he likes me?
What if I don't like him and he doesn't like me?
What if he's so sexy I just want to touch him?
What if he tries to touch me? I don't usually touch guys.
What if I really, really like him but he's actually bad for me?
That last what-if is definitely the worst sinerio. G-d forbid big-time on the last one.
Anyway, I just really want to fall in love with my "one". I want to meet the guy of my dreams that is so amazing and with whom I don't feel nervous. Imagine not feeling nervous around a guy?
Sigh sigh sigh... Meanwhile, I may have the dream of being calm around him but at the moment, I'm quite a few light-years away from calmness.
I try not to get too excited about things because I don't want to get my hopes up. I mean, I've been dating for marriage since I was 19. That means almost 8 years of blind dates and stuff like that. Oh my G-d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8 years?!?!?!?!?!? Now THAT could make me barf.
Anyway, as I was saying, I try not to get my hopes up but I always do. I think that like my grandmother, I am a hopeless romantic. I dream of my prince. Believe me, I'd never say that to anyone I know but you don't know me so I'll admit it to you.
Now I must go off to work. Thank G-d I only work for 3 hours at a time. Except the one day I work 4 and I feel like it's never gonna end.
Anyway, now I'm so nervous I can hardly function. This guy who I met online a few months ago may be travelling to my side of the world in a few days. We were in touch but then I told him I couldn't be in touch until he could make more of a commitment. So, if he comes over here, we'll get to meet face-to-face for the first time.
Let me barf now and just get it over with.
He seems cute and sweet and nice and considerate and smart and cool and that is why I'm going to barf. I mean, first of all, I need to barf if he really is that amazing. That means that maybe it could work out. Or, I need to barf if he isn't as impressive as he seems to be over the net. Maybe he's lying about things. Maybe he's a freak. G-d forbid! I'm so scared about that.
Anyway, he still isn't sure he's coming. He should probably know today or tomorrow. I am so freaked out I can't even discribe it! I have so many "What-ifs" in my head right now, I can't even function.
What if I like him but he doesn't like me?
What if I like him and he likes me?
What if I don't like him but he likes me?
What if I don't like him and he doesn't like me?
What if he's so sexy I just want to touch him?
What if he tries to touch me? I don't usually touch guys.
What if I really, really like him but he's actually bad for me?
That last what-if is definitely the worst sinerio. G-d forbid big-time on the last one.
Anyway, I just really want to fall in love with my "one". I want to meet the guy of my dreams that is so amazing and with whom I don't feel nervous. Imagine not feeling nervous around a guy?
Sigh sigh sigh... Meanwhile, I may have the dream of being calm around him but at the moment, I'm quite a few light-years away from calmness.
I try not to get too excited about things because I don't want to get my hopes up. I mean, I've been dating for marriage since I was 19. That means almost 8 years of blind dates and stuff like that. Oh my G-d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 8 years?!?!?!?!?!? Now THAT could make me barf.
Anyway, as I was saying, I try not to get my hopes up but I always do. I think that like my grandmother, I am a hopeless romantic. I dream of my prince. Believe me, I'd never say that to anyone I know but you don't know me so I'll admit it to you.
Now I must go off to work. Thank G-d I only work for 3 hours at a time. Except the one day I work 4 and I feel like it's never gonna end.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The date
So, it was this date that made me want to come home and start an anonymous blog. Why? Well, it was pretty much a freakin' annoying date. Almost as boring as a date can be. And the whole time I had to put so much effort into showing how interested I was in what he was talking about and I had to try to make conversation. Yes, I even talked about the weather.
I was so annoyed when, as often happens, he didn't find the ability to talk about me for more than 2 seconds. Grrrr!!! I mean, he'd even try. He'd start asking me about my family or work or something terribly exciting like that and then POOF!!!! before you could say abara kedabara (which by the way is from Hebrew - abara k'dabra = I will create as I say), the conversation had turned back to him (his family, his work, etc.).
So I suppose that now I feel the need to talk about myself because I spend the evening having to not talk about myself. Me me me me me me me me. It is sometimes about me. : ) Not always, but sometimes.
I was so annoyed when, as often happens, he didn't find the ability to talk about me for more than 2 seconds. Grrrr!!! I mean, he'd even try. He'd start asking me about my family or work or something terribly exciting like that and then POOF!!!! before you could say abara kedabara (which by the way is from Hebrew - abara k'dabra = I will create as I say), the conversation had turned back to him (his family, his work, etc.).
So I suppose that now I feel the need to talk about myself because I spend the evening having to not talk about myself. Me me me me me me me me. It is sometimes about me. : ) Not always, but sometimes.
First posting for spillinguts.blogspot.com
As you may have read above, I am a good girl. I really am. I am nice. I care about people. I care about being a good person. I love my family. I am also religious. Observant. But my mind is often going wild and I often am wondering about things, trying to figure out what, how, why... So many thoughts stay in that realm; of thoughts. Though they can be a big part of who you are. It may be a part of you that most people don't know, but it's there. It's real and it's important.
I just came back from a date with a guy who didn't understand why someone would want to have an anonymous blog on which they post things they wouldn't necessarily want the people closest to them to know, but through the blog, "the whole world" can know.
I was sitting there with this big smirk on my face because I was thinking, "I LOVE the idea! I am going right home and doing that myself."
So, here I am. We'll see how long it lasts. I wonder if anyone will read it, what they will think and well, again, if it lasts more than a couple of posts/days. Cause there must be billions of blogs and websites that don't continue.
More to come!
I just came back from a date with a guy who didn't understand why someone would want to have an anonymous blog on which they post things they wouldn't necessarily want the people closest to them to know, but through the blog, "the whole world" can know.
I was sitting there with this big smirk on my face because I was thinking, "I LOVE the idea! I am going right home and doing that myself."
So, here I am. We'll see how long it lasts. I wonder if anyone will read it, what they will think and well, again, if it lasts more than a couple of posts/days. Cause there must be billions of blogs and websites that don't continue.
More to come!
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