Body Issues

So, here is my problem. Bodily stuff totally turns me off. I have been dating this one guy for over a month, which is really long for me, but I can't get past the body stuff.

Whenever he does anything that is human, it turns me off.

In movies and tv shows people are never human. They are perfect. And if they are ever anything but perfect, it is always done in this very lovely, sterile way.

That's not life.

I wish I had some ideas of how to overcome this.

Haven't written in so long and so much has happened

This blog was really used a lot during the difficult time through which I was going a few months ago. Now, things are still happening but I'm doing much better. I even hesitate to write on here anymore... I'll think about it. I definitely have what to say.

People always have something to complain about

In Israel people often complain about a lot of different things. The security situation. The lack of rules and organization. The danger on the roads. Lots of legitimate complaints.

In Canada people also complain. About the traffic. The bad city planning.

I know someone who has a lot of blessings in her life but the bad things just overwhelm her so that she is hardly able to see the positive. Which is crazy because the positive things are exactly the types of things she wants.

So often when I'm out, I hear people having conversations. One person is exclaiming about how someone wronged them. The person did this and that and how could they say that and it's just so terrible! But I've never heard someone walking down the street exclaiming, "Oh my God. I did this and that to the person and then I said blah blah blah. How could I do such a thing to them?" The person I hear talking on the street always is coming across as such a saint in the scinario. Amazing how I only hear the conversations of saints on the street!

What is my point? I suppose that it's easy to complain. Especially about how someone else wronged you.

If only I were able to be more positive.

QE

My 1st Shabbat not doing any Shabbat stuff

I haven't written in the longest time. My blog has fallen by the wayside (is that how you say/write it?) for different reasons. Mainly, I am thinking of writing a book and though I've been doing almost no writing for that, every time I think of writing, I figure it should either be an email to a friend or stuff for my book. As I said, not that I'm actually writing very much for it because I am scared to really go forwards with it.

Anyway, I do feel like writing here now because I am going through a new and different experience. It is actually a 25-hour experience.

This is the 1st Shabbat that I decided to spend alone downtown. My aunt invited me to come for Shabbat but I turned down the offer because I find Shabbat to be extremely claustrophobic. I decided I'd rather take the chance of having a depressing Shabbat downtown. I also decided I was going to seize the opportunity, given that my roommate was going away for the weekend, to experiment with Shabbat alone. See what it felt like being alone on Shabbat.

Well, turns out I pretty much wanted to do nothing Shabbosy (like have a Shabbat meal with wine and chalah and religious people singing songs, etc.). Last night I chatted with a boy that I met online. It was interesting and he actually convinced me to meet up with him that night (I told him we'd meet somewhere and I didn't want him to walk me home because I was worried about meeting someone at night, especially when my roommate wasn't even home to "worry" about me) but in the end he said he preferred to meet the next day because it was getting late.

So last night (Friday night) I had my sister's Shabbos food room temperature out of a plastic container, sitting on a couch. Then I read and tried to sleep. It was not easy for me to sleep because I was alone in the apartment.

I was apprehensive and sad about this Shabbat but I came to the conclusion that it was my decision what I'd make out of it. Would I sit around the apartment depressed or do something to make it a good day?

So, early this morning I got up, got dressed all cute (jeans to mid-calf, green tank top, nerdy hat knotted to my belt hole, a long-sleeved pink shirt tied around my waist and running shoes with short socks), put half an avocado, 1 muffin and some yummy crackers in a bag, and I headed to Centre Island. It's an Island around a 10 minute ferry ride from downtown Toronto, surrounded by the waters of Lake Ontario, that people go to for water sports, a cute amusement park and tons of green areas for bbq's and picnics.

I stood on the ferry with my hair blowing in the cold wind (it is a very hot day but the wind by the lake was refreshingly cold) and was reminded of when my mom used to take us there quite often. The ferry, the water and the wind are all exactly the same. Amazing. I realized that this Greater Being that I am trying to get to know and understand (people call it God) is very, very patient. More patient than any human I know. And I think He wants me to be experimenting and figuring things out for myself.

It was such a freeing experience for me to be going out on Shabbat because I knew I was definitely, 100% not going to bump into any Orthodox Jews. It took off a tremendous amount of pressure. I was able to feel much calmer than I usually do.

When I got to Centre Island, I just started walking around. I totally recognized things from my childhood which was a very comforting experience.

1st I ended up at a beachy area. But most importantly, there were 2 swings overlooking the water. So I swung and swung and swung, as much as I could. By the end my hands killed and my bum was sore. I love swinging. LOVE. IT.

Then I ate my cute little picnic. How good is food on a picnic? Especially when you're starving.

After that I decided I wanted to go on what was always my favorite ride in the amusement park they call Centreville.

There I was, a 27 year old "woman," standing in line with all these families, waiting to buy tickets for Centreville. I was so self-conscious.

I then walked in and quite easily found the ride I wanted - the Scrambler! But absolutely no one was going on that ride! Suddenly I realized the importance of having other people on the ride with you, even if you don't know them. So, I walked around Centreville, looked at the animals in their little farm. Had an adorable baby swan come up to me (it was so fluffy) and try to eat my shoes. I didn't touch it because someone was watching and was freaked out about how the mother was going to attack me - she freaked me out though it's hilarious we were scared of swans). But it was absolutely adorable and exciting.

When I walked by the ride again, it was still empty. But 3 people had just finished going on it so I decided to sit across from it and wait till other people came. After waiting a few minutes, 2 teenagers went in. So, I got up and stood in line with them.

Don't you wonder what it's like to do something you did as a kid and haven't done in many years? You had certain feelings about it then. Which feelings will remain? Which feelings will be different?

So, the Scramble is a ride in a big round room. It is around 9 carts, each 3 carts attached together and then a centre attaching the whole thing. 2-4 people fit in each cart, sitting alongside each other. The ride turns each three carts in a small circle and the whole thing in one big circle. But to make it even more entertaining, it is dark with flashing lights and blasting music. The gravity pulls you hard to one side of the cart which is hilarious because when you are in the cart with other people, you are all smooshed together, pretty much leaning on the person on the outer side.

Anyway, I LOVED IT!!! It was a big thrill for me. I felt I was loving it almost as much as I did then.

The differences were that I was much, much, much more self-conscious. I was aware of the guys who run the ride, watching us whirl around. Believe me, when I was a kid, I hardly knew those people existed! Also, I never used to have anything on me because I was a kid with my mother and this time I needed to ask if I could take a purse on the ride. Finally, very amusingly, the pull that the ride had every time your cart flies outwards, gave me a neck ache! I thought that was so funny since it's so obviously an old-person thing.

After that, I would have wanted to stay longer except I'd planned to meet this guy in the early afternoon. So, I went back to the ferry, then took the streetcar and then the subway home.

It's raining out. I love rain.

Anyway, I met the guy at 2:00pm. We met at Baskin Robbin's, the ice cream store, but in the end he wanted food so we went to a cafe.

There I was, sitting in a cafe watching a fellow Jew eat non-Kosher, all this on Shabbat. It was surreal for me. Totally weird. Once in a while I'd remember it's Shabbat and it as such a shocker.

After that I deposited a cheque and then came home.

I've done pretty much "nothing" the rest of the afternoon. Ate, slept, emailed, etc. And I've been feeling quite down sitting here all alone. Feeling lonely, sad. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and that's scary. Just not so much fun.

But now I'm getting hungry and I'm thinking of going out to get something... I'm also thinking of going to hang out in one of those big bookstores that I just love.

QE

Do I have any control?

I am back, obsessing again about finding a guy. I'm now on 2 dating websites and I am spending tons of time on them. I got home really early today. I finish at noon on Mondays. I immediately opened up the computer and got online. I slept a bit but have been on the sites almost the whole day.

It's so unhealthy. I feel like I don't have control over it. I don't know what to do because it's like this thing that I want to change and do something about (the thing being that I'm alone) but this doesn't help. If I'm online all the time, does that mean I'm going to find a guy that I actually like? You'd think yes. I'm there, people see me and so I'm being proactive about my situation.

Well, it must be bull shit because it feels horrible. I know I'm spending too much time on it. I know I'm going into "what if" mode big-time. It feels really bad but I can't stop.

I have an idea, finally, for a book! Won't write about it here cause right now it needs to stay a secret. But it's a good idea and I should do something about it. If only I'd stop spending hours looking for a boy.

Is it possible to fill one void (feeling lonely) with another void (being professional or in some other way, active)?

QE

Intensity at its greatest

Yesterday I met a boy online. We chatted and that was fine and normal. Today we spoke on the phone in the early afternoon and then later in the eve.

In the evening we spoke for around 1.5 hours. But it was this totally crazy intense conversation! We were talking a lot about religious and God and believing and how we live. It was so crazy intense. But what made it especially intense was the fact that to a certain extent, we are so on the same wavelength. And I think we are similar intelectually. So what happens is what we can be playing these mind games like crazy! Back and forth, throwing ideas, jokes, subtle comments to each other. Sometimes what one person says is "beyond" the other person but only slightly. Maybe that's only a matter of difference in culture or style of speech or something like that.

Especially in the beginning of the conversation I felt like I just didn't understand him. Did that change as the conversation developed?

And we also have a similar sense of humour. Except that he likes Mr. Bean. Oy!

He seems like a good guy. I was very open about where I am religiously. That I'm questioning things, etc., and he was so cool about it because he wants to be with someone who doesn't take things for granted, like life and stuff.

Of course I'm very nervous about meeting him tomorrow. There was a connection there. He said some things that really attracted me. I wonder if I'll like how he looks.

I said to someone today that I think it's such a nice idea to meet someone who really understands me. She said, what about meeting someone who you really understand? Such a cool idea, to switch it around and not be self absorbed or maybe it's just focusing on the giving part which is also about yourself and it is an extremely positive thing for you but it's not about you.

That so doesn't make sense but I'm sure you get the point.

QE

My negative behavior

Yes, I have negative behavior. Can you believe it? No, it's hard to believe. But I do. But I am pretty sure I know where it comes from. The question is, how to change your habits - those things you do over and over again, if you like it or not!

As I mentioned before, I'm signed back up to the dating website. I search like a crazy woman. I spend much too much time on it. I went to sleep much too late last night, one reason being too much time spent obsessing over the site.

I want to meet a nice boy so badly!!! I really wanna meet someone. But where is he? God, where is he? I want companionship. I want someone I feel comfortable with. Someone I feel can understand me.

Meanwhile, because of this, I'm wasting my energy and not doing things I want to be doing. I'm majorly going down in my productivity. It's sad to do that. It's such a waste of life. You can't try so hard with things, beyond where your control lies. You try as much as you can and then you keep living and breathing. And you hope for the best.

You have just got to let go.

But I wanna meet a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was busy looking for a job, a place to live, etc., I was fine in the boy area of my life. But I had something to focus on. I was focusing on finding a job and a place to live. That was the thing that I hoped would "fix" my life.

Now that I have both of those, I can't help but start looking for the next thing.

You know, I have all these things I want to do. Volunteer, work out, maybe find another little job.

But I'm wasting my energy on useless things instead.

QE

Writing and Life

Stephen King told me, in his On Writing book, that I should be writing at least 1000 words per day. Wow. 1000. I have now written 27. Well, 28 including the word “27.”

Then he says, What should you write about? Anything. As long as it’s true.

As long as it’s true. I love that. That statement in itself is so true. But it’s still hard to know what to write about.

I find the idea of being a writer so romantic. Though, I must say, I find the idea of being many things romantic. For example, today I went with 3 of my (amazing) cousins to an outdoor store and while they were looking at clothes, I sat on the comfy couch and looked at a magazine about outdoor running. It was amazing to me, the things that people do. People get certain ideas in their heads and they work to excel. It’s so beautiful. It makes me want to cry.

Actually, the whole store just excited me so much. It was almost anything you could want for the outdoors. And books on so many subjects! On different countries, types of outdoors sports (hiking, biking, canoeing, etc.). How wonderful! The store was crowded with people who want to see the world. Discover the world upon which they live. Upon which they were born. Understand it. Experience it. Feel it. Feel it in as natural a state as possible.

Oh, to understand. I suppose the best way to understand is through experience. We must experience this world!

Well, no one is forcing us to experience. We can just work, eat and sleep. Hang out with friends once in a while. Have some sex (whatever that means). Blah blah blah…

But no. If you care about Truth, you must try to experience. Each person experiences in a different way. I think the rule is to do things that are new to you. For one person, it might be trying a new restaurant. For another, it might be climbing a different mountain. For someone it could be learning tennis at the age of 40.

When I watched my sister’s tennis class last week, I was crying. It just made me feel so alive to see adults trying something new. Running around, trying to hit a tennis ball! Listening closely as the teacher (who was much younger than most of them!) explained how to do different swings. Running after the balls while dodging the flying ones. And for the last 20 minutes of class, they played a game, I think called the King of the Court. And there they were, 20 to 40 or 50-year-olds playing a game where someone becomes king! It was so wonderful. And it made me cry.

OK, so I think that rule #1 is trying new things. I think that rule #2 is attitude. Someone can try something new and the newness and the Godliness and meaning of the experience could pass them right by. I think it’s very important to work on perspective. On really trying to experience things to their fullest.

Really, truly feel.

Making big decisions but what’s big?

Today I made a big decision. I turned down a job offer as an office manager in a sleepover camp. I felt like it was such a big decision, I think especially because I turned it down. If I’d turned it “up,” it would have felt a bit different. When I accepted my current job it felt big, but this is feeling bigger.

But what is “big” anyway? So I turned down a 2-month opportunity. Is that really so big? If it had been a 1 year opportunity, would it be bigger? Is my decision really so earth-shattering? Need I feel such gravity from such a decision?

OK, but maybe everything carries great gravity. Maybe, if everything we do has meaning (since, in my opinion, if there is meaning in anything, there is meaning in everything) then every decision is big and cataclysmic. Right?

Then, all at once, everything shrinks down to a small and not-all-too-serious level. Because the decision to get 1 or 2 scoops of ice-cream is on the same level as deciding if I am going to have a child. Everything is important. Everything is meaningful, but I so totally don’t understand how things work (because it doesn’t make much sense to little ol’ me, that ice cream and creating life is on the same level), that I may as well not go crazy trying to figure out how everything works.

I needed to decide if I should go to camp or not. Yeah, so you think about it a bit. Pros and cons in your head (or even written down). Hemming and Ha-ing… And then you decide what to do.

Did I make the “right” decision? Well, there are 2 possible answers to that. Either 1) there is no way you can ever know the answer to that question or 2) all decisions are “right.”

The bottom line is, stop stressing. : )

Writing, loneliness

My aunt keeps walking by the family room, where I'm sitting with my computer. Everytime, she says, Oh, you're still on the computer? I really know how to spend a long time on the computer. I email, chat, check different websites like the weather, I blog and now, I'm back on the dating website.

I can't believe I'm back on. I was so happy to get off of them but now, I was feeling lonely, and so I went back on. Not that this helps remedy the loneliness. I suppose it gives hope of ending it. I do searches for guys. I check who's online. And it doesn't give me much hope. Not much at all! The guys just don't seem to be what I'm looking for.

QE

Self-inflicted loneliness - or is it?

It's definitely loneliness. The question is, is it self-inflicted?

At 1st glance, it definitely seems like I'm doing it to myself. I mean, I didn't have to, but I chose to move into this apartment in downtown Toronto. Where I pretty much know NO ONE. When I could have opted to living with my sister or my aunt.

And now, for the 1st time, I'm sitting in my apartment for a length of time, trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself and how the hell I feel about my situation! I say hell because it's not exactly feeling comfy at all! I'm tempting to jump on a subway up to my sister's. I already spoke to her on the phone and one of my cousins. I was going crazy when my internet wasn't working because that totally cut me off from the outside world!

When I thought of doing this living away from the people I love thing, I had all these plans. I knew it could be lonely but I felt it's what I need/needed. And you know, when I'm with the people I'm close with, I still feel the need to be away from them. For different reasons. The religious reasons - the need to make a distance between me and them in order to figure out what I want religiously in my life - is the biggy but it's not only that. I really don't want to be living with my sister and her family. I hate when they argue. I hate that I don't have my own space there. I hate that I don't feel totally comfortable there.

But I don't feel totally comfortable here either! I suppose I don't feel comfortable anywhere. Surprise surprise.

This whole thing makes me feel very stuck.

What an exciting day!

I woke up for the 1st time today in my new apartment. I didn't sleep that well, which is to be expected of me. I was a bit nervous.

I jumped a million miles when my alarm went off at 6:10am. Plenty of time to get dressed and leave for the subway station that is 2 minutes from the apt. But as I was about to leave, the phone rang. It was my roommate's mom calling to tell her that the public transportation of Toronto had gone on strike! Ak!

I live downtown but not close enough to get to work on time within 20 minutes (it was 20 to 7:00am)! But, what could I do? I started walking. Around half way there, I finally caught a cab and took it the rest of the way.

I was so worried I'd have patients waiting for me but, duh, no one else could make it - or at least not on time - to their appointments! You know, I'm not the only one who travels on the subway!

So, it turned out to be a very slow day with almost everyone cancelling. I like that because I don't really like my job much anyway. I'm happy to help with office work.

Then, to save some money, I walked home. Oh my God. It was around 33 degrees but felt like over 40, with the humidity. It took around 50 minutes. Boiling hot!!! I was sweating like a crazy woman. I drank a lot but later in the day I got a little headache from being in the sun for so long.

I got home so wiped! I ate, I showered and I spoke to my dad and my so cute, I-miss-her-so-much 6-year-old sister. Rachel. She told me all about how a door closed on her toe the other day and so her toe-nail is coming off. When it happened, my sister gave her ice cream which made her feel better. And our neice (who is also 6 - they are the same age, aunt and neice) did everything Rachel asked of her since it was hard for her to move. And she told me that they figured out a way for her to get around: A shoe on one foot and a scooter for the injured one. So cute!

Then I asked her if she wanted to hear about me and she said yes, one good thing and one bad thing. So I told her about moving into a new apartment and asked her if that's good or bad. She said good. I said, right. I told her I love my room. She asked me if the building is new and I said no, it's quite old. I said it's probably as old as Daddy. And she said, wow, but Daddy is like 50 or something! And I said, 55. She was quite amazed.

Then I told her about having to figure out how to get to work when I found out the subway wasn't working that morning.

This evening my sister who lives here married with 4 kids was having her 1st tennis lesson ever. She wanted me to come with for moral support. But I couldn't get up north because of the transit strike so she picked me up.

I got like totally THE biggest kick out of watching her and the other students! They are around 8-10 adults, from 20's to 50's, playing tennis for the 1st time. I found it to be extremly exciting and touching. People growing. Wanting to learn new things. Being willing to try something new and different, even though it's so nerve-racking to do this, especially once you're older. And my sister didn't know if everyone was gonna be 18 years old and she'd feel so un-movable next to them. But it wasn't like that! It was all these older people.

I seriously was so touched by it. I kept getting teary-eyed. It just was so beautiful for me to see people trying new things and growing.

And my sister was so happy I came. We kept giving each other thumbs-up when she hit the ball well. And it was so nice for her to have me there.

It's amazing how watching a bunch of adults learn how to play tennis for the 1st time was a million times more interesting than anything on tv.

QE
That's it!

A new apartment, a few stage

I am sitting in my new room in my new apartment. It's very temporary. I'll probably only be here till the end of June. But my sister who I was staying with since I arrived in Toronto, really helped me make this apartment livable and homey for me. It was terribly dirty. She cleaned my bedroom and the bathroom (what is worse than cleaning someone else's dirt in the bathroom?!). You wouldn't believe how nice it is now. The kitchen is still disgusting. The living room is also pretty gross.

This is all so new for me. I'm so unsure how I feel about this. I felt very badly this morning. I felt like all this effort is being put in "just" for me to make this frivilous move. Why do I need to move into an apartment? Why can't I "just" stay with my sister or my aunt while I'm in Toronto? It's such a short amount of time. What's the big deal? And SO much effort put into this. As my sister was cleaning, I felt so guilty. I felt stupid.

I just need to keep reminding myself why I'm doing this. AND, that with my reasons, the amount of effort put into this apartment, just because it's "only" for me, doesn't mean it isn't worth it! Amazingly, I'm worth hard effort. If I feel I need something - and I feel I need this - then IT'S WORTH IT!!!! Because I'M WORTH IT!!!!

Imagine getting used to that idea!

QE

Are comments from readers making me write differently?

I actually am aware of the fact that it does change it. It is so hard to not start wondering what the readers think or will think about things I want to or I do write. It defeats the purpose (for me) of my blog so I'm working on not letting this affect me. I love that people read my blog. And I want to be able to stay as real, open and expressive as possible.

QE

Money and Shabbat

It's so tempting when you have money (or in my case, are gonna have money) to spend it. I have so many things I want. And they are just so damn legitimate!

Clothes so I look presentable for work (see? I didn't say, amazing, just presentable). I'm really thinking of looking into subletting a place for the month because I can't see myself living in my sister's place for that long. It's squishy. I don't really have my space. And most importantly, I'm trying to figure out the religious thing, without feeling like I have to do anything I don't want to do. But at my sister's I have no choice but to keep Shabbat and all its laws. It's not easy. I don't enjoy Shabbat. It's the hardest day of the week for me. Everyone else is always saying how much they appreciate it and I dread it. Pretty sad.

Anyway, I'd also like to exercise so that costs. I'm sure there are other things but I can't think of them off the top of my head. But really moving into an apartment is what would be more expensive than anything. It might actually finish all the money I'm making because I'd also have to buy food and I'm sure there are other expenses that go along living alone.

My memory is so bad. I can never remember what I wrote and what I didn't write.

Did I mention that I'd promised myself that when I get a job, I'm gonna buy myself a pair of shoes? : ) Again, I'm almost never, ever totally frivilous. This was legit for me because I do need an appropriate pair of summer shoes to wear with my "work" clothes. Seriously!

You've gotta understand that in Jerusalem things are so much more casual. I wore jeans and jean skirts to work as a dietitian. I wore casual sandles. Here, especially in this fancy shmansy place, you can't do that.

Blah blah blah. So much about money.

I'm at my aunt's for Shabbat. She has 6 kids. The dad was stabbed in the back, to death, a few years ago. Sick. I used to spend weeks here every summer when we visited from Israel. Since my uncle was killed, I haven't. And the truth is that I think it's the 1st time I'm here for Shabbat since he was killed. The 1st time I'm sleeping over.

It's a little spooky because one of my cousins looks so much more like my uncle than he did when I saw him last year. He sounds so much more like him too. How in the world does that happen? It's seriously a little scary. I'm staring at him thinking, "You look exactly, sound exactly and act exactly like your dad." I'm sure people tell him that.

They are a totally unbelievable family. So special. A person or family either gets stronger or falls apart from something like this and you wouldn't believe how they are. All such good people. My aunt is such a leader. The whole Jewish community here is in awe from her. But not only Jews realize how special she is. And even before the world got to see how special she is, right after he was killed, so many people from all over the country (world?) sent her letters and some people sent money (!!!) to support her through her difficult times.

It makes me cry. Such a horrible thing and such amazing things because of it.

So, that's where I am for Shabbat. I'm so lucky I get the opportunity to be with them.

QE

I FREAKIN' HAVE A JOB!!!

I got offered the nutrition job and then I gave a counter-offer and.... he accepted!!!!! So I have a 25 hour a week job (yay!) that pays much better than if I'd gotten a "regular" admin-type job.

I'm so scared that I'm gonna hate it, as I hated it in Israel, but I'm hoping, hoping, hoping that it will be different and better.

And if not, it's only for 1 month anyway.

Also, did I mention I may be getting a tax return from Israel? I'm so excited! Between the 2 of these, I should be able to go to Vancouver, if I still want to.

But... I want to shop so badly!!!!!!!! Shoes, new clothes (especially clothes that will be more appropriate for working downtown), a nicer purse... Sigh. I wanna shop and I am usually so good about not spending money but in Toronto, it is so tempting all the time.

Give me shopping!!! But really give me happiness. : )

Love,
QE

It's all about the money. It's all about the dum dum dumdumdum dum

Remember that song? Anyway, it's crazy how much it's all about the money. How much of a person's life revolves around money? You work usually around 1/3 of your day. You spend another portion thinking about it, worrying about it, dealing with it. And then you spend it the other part of your time. And you're left with 2 minutes to kiss your wife.

Fine, that's obviously exagerated but it's amazing how the world is build this way that you must work or else you will be standing on the street begging for money and in that case money is obviously controlling their lives. I'm sure many homeless people have a certain obsession with money, I'd guess moreso than "middle class" people.

When I was sitting on the subway the other day (I've been sitting on the subway almost everyday), I was watching the business men sitting there. In their suits, riding back up north after their gebillionth day of work. These 2 guys next to each other, staring into space. What are they thinking about? I they just thinking about mundane things? Are they possibly thinking about the futility of it all? Is it possible they are thinking about how happy they are in their jobs and at home, with their families? Are they content? Do they feel empty?

Going to work can be so depressing. The monotomy.

Today I was at an employment agency. I couldn't help but sit and stare at the receptionist. It's like she wasn't totally there. "Hello. You've reached Quantum, this is ___ speaking," said over and over and over and over and over again. For the life of me, though I heard her say it probably 30 times in the 10 minutes I sat there, I have no idea what her name is.

She was polite but so, so cold. And able to multitask in this freaky way.

And then you've got the woman bus driver who is all cheery. Offering me a transfer and when I ask her if I need it to get onto the subway afterwards, she oh so cheerfully says, "Well, I always say, just take one!" So I said I'd take it for good luck. I hope it's not bad luck to throw it out!

It's so strange that the world is built in a way that you must work. No choice in the matter.

In Judaism, especially in Chasidut, there is a beautiful idea of elevating the mundane. Like, the point is to not "just" be working but to elevate your. And not to "just" be getting money, but to elevate your money.

Like, it's holier to buy a milkshake than to buy a pair of shoes. Joking. How about, it's holier to buy lettuce than to buy a hamburger. : ) Still joking. Cause you can elevate a hamburger, a milkshake, a pair of shoes (obviously!) and even a boring piece of lettuce. : ) (For the record, I love lettuce, even place. I find it quite refreshing. I'm just throwing in diet-mentality comments.)

So I found out today that I might be getting a big tax return. I'm so excited. Because, it's all about the money.

K. I must go to sleep.

QE

So many decisions! It's actually a little exciting...

It's late and I'm tired but how can I not write about my latest decisions?

I interviewed for this nutrition job. Quite the cool place. And today they emailed me to inform me that I got the job. It's like totally beshert (that's Yiddish and it refers to these things where it seems like it's meant to be, especially refering to romantic "besherts"). I want a job for a month and they're looking to hire someone for a month. I saw the ad less than 2 hours after they posted it on toronto.craigslist.org. This is cool because I wasn't really looking for nutrition jobs anymore but right then I decided to take a peek anyway. And I was so surprised to see that posting since there are almost never postings of job positions for nutritionists in craigslist.

Anyway, since it was so beshert, I decided to send in my resume. And they interviewed me and accepted me. But... That doesn't take away from the fact that I really do hate working as a nutritionist. For so many reasons!

So I decided that if I'm at all interested in this job, I need to decide what I need in order to make this job "worth it" for me.

OK, so firstly, I need to be paid enough to pay for my therapy. : ) Well, I don't feel like going to therapy right now but I do need to be paid enough to feel it's worth it. In my opinion they anyhow didn't offer me enough for a professional position as a dietitian.

The other thing I need is very few hours. So I'm thinking of offering to work 4 hours, 4 days a week. But then I was wondering how I can fill up the rest of my time (suddenly I had a picture of myself spending all my hard-earned money because I have so much free time!) so I was thinking it would be nice if I volunteered.

Anyway, meanwhile, I missed another interview I was supposed to have today. It was at 10:00am. At 10:00am, I was sitting right here, next to the computer, in my pyjamas (actually, like right now!). Suddenly I had a thought: Maybe my interview isn't at 12:00 noon. Yes, that's what I had in my head. That it was at 12! I looked in my calendar and freaked out!!! I called her. She was really nice. And we set up a meeting for today instead.

I also have another interview for possibly teaching Hebrew in a Jewish school here. I figure maybe I could make good use of the fact that I'm fluent in English and Hebrew.

Also, I have been in touch with a sleep-over summer camp for a position in administration for the summer.

So, I have a lot of decisions... Oy

Is it me or her or both (probably both)?

I'm staying at my sister's in Toronto. Actually, it's her computer I've been using, in the middle of her living room and the lack of privacy has not really enabled me to do much blogging. That, and the fact that I've been emailing people "back home" has taken away blog time. But I really will try to keep it up because I love blogging and writing in general.

Anyway, the sister I'm staying with is the one I get along with least, out of all my siblings. She annoys me a lot and I'm sure I annoy her. Yesterday we had an argument but often I'm feeling annoyed with her for things she says or doesn't say and the way she acts.

My big question is, is it me or her? Who's "fault" is it?

Maybe more on this later.

QE

When you know you should leave

You know you should leave somewhere when you don't feel comfortable dressing how you want to dress.

Before I left Israel, I bought some new, what I think is really cool, clothes. Very flowy, summery clothes. And just putting them on now caused me such stress. Most of my family here is so into a specific style. And so into everyone dressing how they dress. Especially my sister. The stress I have everday when she's going to see how I dressed that day. And I don't know what she's going to say.

Such stupid stuff.

QE

So much, so much

As things in my life are moving forwards and changing, I have been thinking about a lot of things I could expand on.

I was thinking about the difference between Canadians and Israelis. For anyone who's met either, the difference is very obvious. But I wonder where it stems from. When I asked the lady in the mall today, in Toronto, how to get somewhere, with a smile on her face, and her whole attention with me, she explained exactly where to go. In Israel, well, people are a little more harsh. This woman seems so content just to be telling people how to get to certain stores in the mall (she is probably in her 60's) and so many Israelis just seem so uncontent that they aren't able to put on that show for you. I have thoughts on it but I'm too tired to go into it now.

Also, I was thinking about how so totally uncomfortable change really is. Yesterday I went downtown by subway. I seriously could hardly get myself out the door because it was making me so nervous, the idea of going somewhere when I wasn't so sure how how to go and where I was going.

Today, on the other hand, I ended up having to go to almost the exact same place. I was so much more comfortable going! And afterwards, I ended up in exactly the same place as yesterday so I was so calm and relatively comfortable just because I recognized it.

I'm also thinking about all of my decisions. I interviewed for a nutrition job today. Pays so much better than a "regular" job. But I quit my nutrition job cause I HATED it! So now I'm gonna do it (even if it's only for a month) just for the money? I'm convincing myself I have other things I can get from it. It's a really, really cool clinic (www.weightcare.ca) but... I need to get away from things... But it's such good money. I mean, I won't be making my fortune but the money would be great to get.

Also, I don't know where to live. I'm tempted to just live with my family so that I don't need to pay rent. Again, it's about the money. No, it's not all about the money but it sure makes a difference in the decision.

Right now I'm feeling like I should not take that job (find a regular admin one) but live with fam.

I just want to do what's best for me. That is the most important thing. Just thinking about talking about dieting for 25 hours a week makes me feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

QE

You just won't believe it!

Guess what. I'm over Isaac. We met the day before I left and I was sitting there thinking, I'm over you!!! I see that it probably will never work out between us because I don't see how it can. It just doesn't seem right.

It was such a relief. There is a bit of sadness when I think about it but I'm really relieved.

QE

My feelings upon arrival in Toronto

So, I am in Toronto now. I can't believe it. I mean, it's not that crazy for me to be in Toronto, sitting at my sister's desk, emailing and blogging on her computer (in the middle of the night because I'm jetlagged).

But this is a bigger trip than the others were, till now. I'm here to search. To change. To understand.

But shit! What the hell do I think is in Canada that isn't in Israel? What the hell?

It reminds me of that idea that you have to go away in order to realize that what you really need is right at home, in front of your very eyes. Well, that's good too.

I feel like just being negative but it's funny. When I write, I can't help but try to think positive.

Firstly, I arrived on the most gloomy day possible. I love rain and gloom : ) but it is possible it affected my mood a little. I'm not sure, cause I really love it, but maybe.

My cousin picked me up at the airport. He was depressing to me. Maybe it was the hour (we met around 7:00 am) but he seemed so changed, in a very depressing way. He was a little strange. He's not a weirdo. Truth is, he just seemed very unhappy. I'm not sure.

Then I arrived at my sister's house. The family dynamics in her house depress me. Also the fact that it feels like she has things so hard, depresses me. It's like she's always struggling with a whole bunch of up-hill battles.

I must say that other times that I've come here, I hardly had strength to help. But yesterday, already, I was so much help to her. And that makes me happy. I held the new-born, went with her to pick new eyeglasses, picked up her oldest at her friend's house and cleaned up from supper. I know also how much it means to her, to have her family (me : ) around.

She just makes me so sad. When I was here last June she told me very strongly about problems her and my bro-in-law were/are having. It came out because she was especially upset. It's been almost a year since we sat in her living-room and talked about those things. I haven't brought it up since. I wonder if things are better. Because they were really bad.

I definitely feel bitterness. From my sister more than anyone.

God, it's so sad. You get married. You're so in love and excited and then BANG life hits you. Life with all its shit. My poor sister has some shit to take care of. I wish it could be taken care of because she has this great family. 4 great kids and a supposedly good husband. Except for the problems which are big and serious. Well, doesn't that suck.

Anyway, I just don't get why I'm here. One reason I can remember is that I needed to get away from there. Now that I'm here, I can't help but think that that is the main reason for me to be here. To be away from there.

I had so much pressure there.

Oh, I'm remembering why I'm here! The pressure. To be a certain way, to be judged by what you wear. To be forced into a little box (as I've said before, I'm not a cube!).

I exagerate but that's what it's been like for me lately. I just hope I'll be able to go back there with renewed strength, but I felt I needed to get away from it all for a while.

Funny, I just realized something else. It's easy for me to idealize Israel now because the 1-2 weeks before I left were fun in that everyone wanted to see me, wish me well. I got a few going-away presents which was fun. People were expressing to me how much they love me, will miss me and wish me only good things.

The night I left, my whole immediate family (the ones in Israel) came over and my mom made a beautiful meal as a going-away party for me. It was so nice! My mom made a toast to me.

The whole thing was so touching. My parents, 2 of my sisters and 2 of my neices all took me to the airport. We have a tradition that as the person is walking away, we keep turning around and waving, over and over again. It's actually ridiculiously hilarious! But the funny thing is that really my grandmother does it in a more extreme way than any of us. It is the funniest thing to see! You figure she's never actually going to take that extra step, after which, she won't be able to see us anymore. Too funny.

So, we got to the point where I needed to go on without them. It was my mom and sister (she is 2 years younger than me). We hugged each other and they said things about how they wished I didn't feel like I need to go away, but if I do, they only wish me the best. And my sister said something so nice (I'm crying as I write this). She said that at least I know I have them to come back to.

I'm telling you (tears are falling), it's so true. I'm so loved. I'm so cared for. I have such an amazing family. It's seriously unbelievable. I cannot believe how amazing they are. And how well we get along. It's fun to be together.

But I felt I needed to get away from them. I felt the need to break free from them. They are wonderful but I need to try to figure out who I am and what I need, while away from them. I've been questioning things they believe as Truth. I've been making decisions they have a hard time understanding. And the pressure of being around them was too hard.

Shabbat and Holidays were the hardest times. All these things you're supposed to do which I didn't feel like doing. Conversations that are not the types of conversations I need right now.

I really feel like I need to break free. I hope I will always be able to stay connected. Wow, everytime I think about my family, I start crying. So many people have such screwed up families and I have this (OK, obviously not perfect AT ALL!) amazing family.

So, here I am in Toronto. Trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing here. Being around my family here is what gave me the guts to come but it depresses me because it makes me think I haven't done anything by coming here. Especially because my grandmother lives here in Toronto.

I just had an overwhelmingly strong feeling of the need to get away from here. Not hang around here too long.

Oh God, then I got the counter-thoughts like, You are RUNNING AWAY!!!

But seriously, come on. Give yourself a break! You need to get away. So? Is that so bad? This is what you've decided; that you need to get away. Why beat yourself up about it?

Because I love beating myself up? Yeah, probably.

Anyway, but I don't have money so I need to look for a job here for a bit. Oh, it's all part of the journey, right?

Wow, it really helps me to be writing in this blog. It helps me see the emotions I'm feeling, try to figure out why and just see things more clearly.

Here's a beautiful song:
Artist: Johnny Nash LyricsSong: I Can See Clearly Now
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone.
All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin' but blue skies.
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It’s gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.


Please God we should feel that way.

Love,
QE

Not that I want to be negative but I've arrived in Toronto and I'm depressed and scared

I arrived early this morning in Toronto. As we were landing, I was thinking, What the hell am I doing? I was feeling like I may as well turn right around and head back to Israel. I felt like I am just taking my problems elsewhere, believing that being somewhere else can bring me new things.

I'm seriously leaving on a jet plane and I'm over Isaac

Unbelievable. So, he wanted to meet me and I was like, well it's probably not a great idea but lets pretend we don't know that so we can meet.

So we met and guess what! Well, I guess you know from the subject. I realized I'm pretty over him. I still think he's a great guy but I just felt very strongly that it's not It between us. I felt so much how we were on a different wave-length. And I've thought a lot about the fact that I need someone more open-minded about religion.

Since we broke up, I've had the opportunity to build a fantasy of him in my mind. Nothing totally crazy but thoughts about how maybe it'll work later and how cute and sweet he is. But seeing him gave me the opportunity to face reality. Yay! I was/am just so happy to feel free from him.

It's still sad because he still is so many things to me (read other postings). It really is sad. But it's good, if it's true.

On a different note, I'm leaving tomorrow night for Toronto. I just brought down bags to my room so I can consider packing. : ) I still have laundry to finish. Oy. I still have these last-minute things to do that are stressing me out. Also, my cousin is arriving in Israel tomorrow morning and I offered to pick him up even though I'm leaving that day. My family makes a point of picking each other up at the airport, wherever we may be. And I am happy he finally took me up on it. But it's crazy because I suppose I could have used those few hours for other things.

It's funny because since I'm arriving at 6:20am in Toronto, my sister there can't pick me up till much later. So, today I was chatting with another cousin and I asked him if he could pick me up. Anyway, he is! I'm so happy and appreciative of that. It's not a fun hour to pick someone up. It's much more enjoyable late at night or later in the day. But he said he'll do it. He said he sort of feels like he owes me for all the times I took him to and from the airport when he visited Israel. Pretty funny!

Should go do something useful, though blogging is way useful!

QE

Do one kind deed every day without letting anyone know

Isn't that a nice idea? I'm so used to wanting and needing positive feedback from people. This allows you to work on not needing that. It helps you work on doing things with the right intention. Not in order to impress people, but purely to help someone.

What do you think of that?

QE

And what about Mr. Kippa?!

Sheesh. That guy who I sold a kippa to, never called me to go out with me either! He said he wanted to meet me and then he didn't call. Isaac calls when he says he's gonna call and he likes me enough he wouldn't just let a potential meeting with me slip through his fingers.

Sigh times a million.

QE

Isaac

Today I had to be in touch with Isaac about a tax thing. He told me that he would want to meet me before I leave for Canada. I just answered him now telling him that I'm willing to meet him. As I wrote, I'm not sure it's the best thing for us, that we should meet before I leave, but who really knows what's good and what's bad anyway? : ) Isn't it easy to play games with yourself?!

He makes me very sad which in my opinion is a red light. He himself is so down so often (rightfully so, he is going through a very hard time) and I guess it can be depressing.

Also, as I think I wrote already, he really doesn't connect to conventional Jewish religion and that really, really bothers me. I need someone who is open minded towards it.

But you know what? My sister from Toronto called me yesterday. She has this great guy she wanted to set me up with. I told her to first give him my email address so we can email and then decide if we want to meet when I get to Toronto. But he hasn't emailed me yet. Grrr. Isaac is so reliable! But then, suddenly, I'm wondering if maybe he just has the wrong email address...

QE
I'm so tired. Good night.

QE

Yay! My computer is back!

I'm very happy. My computer has been by the technician for 2 weeks. Today he finally brought it back. He put in a new hard drive and Windows 2000 instead of Windows XP. Because my computer doesn't have enough RAM to run XP normally so it was killing the hard drive and
running really slowly. With these changes, it's running really quickly. Yay! I mean, relatively very quickly.

QE

So much going on. So much to write about.

I'm leaving this week for Toronto. Today, I was such a nervous wreck about getting things done, that I became unable to do anything. So, instead I went out to breakfast with my oldest sister and my mom. : ) Sounds a bit irresponsible but I have an excuse. See, when I'm a nervous wreck, as I was (and sort of am) this morning, I can't eat. But I find it easier to eat out just 'cause the food is yummier. Seriously! So, by the time my mom was leaving, I was so starving and so not doing anything anyway, that I figured the best thing would be to go with to the cafe.

And it was so nice. But I felt like I felt yesterday, on Shabbat, when I was sitting with 2 of my closest friends, talking in our kitchen. Suddenly I was looking at the picture from the outside and I became very aware of the fact that I'm leaving this. They were talking in their sort of typical way, in their familiar way, and I'm leaving that.

When I was sitting with my mom and sister, I felt the same thing. I felt that strong feeling of leaving this. And these things aren't bad things - my friends, my family - I just feel I need to get away from it for a while. And so it makes me feel very sad.

But I'm most terribly sad about leaving my little sister, Rachel. She is 6 years old. I am so close with her. I'm so sad about leaving her. She's so sweet. I love her so much. Whenever I talk about leaving her, I start crying. I'm just going to miss her soooo much. : ( And she's going to miss me so much also. I'm the closest to her out of all of use siblings (6 of us). She really wishes I didn't have to go.

But I do. I need to get away for a while.

I also had my last appointment with my therapist. We talked about a few important things. About the fact that I'm much to hard on myself. That I probably need to get away to figure out who I am without all the "noise" around me. Without being pushed along with the waves around me. Without feeling pressured to do what is expected of me.

We talked about the meaning of life. That I'm searching for meaning when really, maybe, what is most meaningful, I know is meaningful because it feels a certain way to me. Like, my relationship with Rachel. I know it's meaningful.

But I kept talking about the global meaning of everything. I said that I believe that either there is meaning in everything or meaning in nothing. So it isn't only important for me to to feel meaning on a personal level. For me, I feel like it needs to go along with a more global meaning.

She said that I'm very all-or-nothing. Maybe some things have meaning and other things don't. And she said about maybe the better tactic being "looking" for personal meaning.

Here is my latest theory:

It is impossible for us to ever really know and understand everything about the world. We are so tiny and it's so big. And humans just don't know and understand everything in the world. So, the best way to understand the worlds is by understanding the best you can, what you can understand, and that is yourself and things around you. So, the best thing you can do is try to understand yourself and your surroundings. Through that, if there is meaning, you should be able to figure things out, at least to a certain extent.

I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore and I'm really tired so I'm gonna stop for now.

QE

I AM SUCH A NERVOUS WRECK!!!

Oh my God. I am plutzing!!! That is Yiddish for something like, going crazy. I am totally going crazy. TOTALLY!!!

My flight is this Thursday at around 1am. So, Wed. night, really. I have made a list of things I need to do this week, before I go. I need to go to my cellphone company to discuss a million things. I need to buy an international driver's licence (I realized all these years I've sort of been driving illegally in Toronto!). I need to do a whole bunch of other small things.

Why do I have to be such a nervous person? I mean, what is so major about what I need to do? I so want to be calm, cool and collected.

Whatever you do, just STAY CALM!!! : )

But seriously, what is the big deal about what I need to do?

Ooh, got my last therapy appointment now and gotta make the bus. I'll definitely try to write later. Of course I also wanted to write about sweet Isaac who my sister so luckily gets to see today because he is her accountant too. (He's my dad's, sister's and bro-in-law's accountant!)

QE

Dear Isaac,

Oh, Isaac. I'm so sad. My friend was just over. She started dating Simon a bit before you and I started dating.

But she's still with him and I'm not with you. Oh, I'm so worried I'm never going to find someone to connect to deeply. What if?

She's really into this guy. She is so into him. She likes him so much. She's really crazy about him.

And I was so happy to hear her talk about him but, I'm sad to say, I was jealous. I'm jealous. I want to be so excited about a boy.

I know with us there were serious problems. I even know that it's very possible if I were to meet someone now, I'd get over you really fast. And truth is, I am totally getting over you.

But you are so many things to me. And sometimes I feed off of that, big time.

You are:
1. The 1st boy who wrote me a poem (well, 2, and I think others which you never sent me)
2. The 1st boy to ever try to kiss me. I didn't let you but it meant a lot to me.
3. The 1st boy to make me feel so good about myself. You complimented me a lot and were very open about how much you liked me and why.
4. The 1st boy with whom I held hands and hugged. After doing the no-touching dating scene for so many years, it's actually really hard to get used to touching and you were so sweet about it. You always said that it has to all be at my pace, the pace with which I'm comfortable.
5. The boy I have felt most strongly about. I told my mother very quickly that you are the nicest boy I've ever dated. Talk about important.

You are other things to me, I'm sure. You were an important step in this trip I call my life. Not only for relationship reasons but also for everything I'm going through.

After we broke up, I felt so strongly the need to get away from here for a while. Before that, my feelings were that it could be very good for me to get away but if I were to meet a guy I really liked, I'd consider staying. That is actually what was happening with Isaac. Because I was dating him, I put off making travel plans.

After we broke up I realized I need to get away, "no matter what." So, even when we were in touch again and there was a feeling that maybe, just maybe, we could get back together and try it again, I said that I still feel the need to get away. "No matter what." And that was so important.

Also, because you're totally secular, I was forced, and still am when I think of you, to see how I feel about Orthodoxy. I have come to a very strong but hurtful realization. You expressed your lack of connection with the Orthodox way of life, to say the least. So pretty much, it could only work out between us if I really decided I don't want to be religious. But I can't imagine ever being with someone who so can't relate to Orthodoxy. even if I'm never again religious, it is what I grew up with. It's such a major, important part of who I am. I need to be able to... You know, I can't figure out what it is that I need. I can't put my finger on it or put it into words. Because you expressed respect for religious people. But the rituals and stuff seem pretty meaningless to you.

That makes me so upset, the idea that you don't see anything in it. I can't imagine ever being in a place that that would be OK for me.

It's so sad... I don't know if I really should tell you about these feelings of mine. Maybe you should know that because of this, as terribly sad as this is for me, I can't see us ever being together. I just think I need someone who is more open to the religious world.

It's so sad. So awfully sad. I so wanna believe it could work out between us. But with this, I don't see how it's possible. So, so, so, so sad.

QE

If I had 2 years left

It's funny, I'm so used to living with people that believe, at least to some extent, in the Evil Eye. Like, we're always adding things to our sentences like, "If God so pleases" or "Without the evil eye." So, to write a title like I just wrote feels wrong to me. But I'm doing it cause it's important.

What would I do if I knew I was only going to be alive for another 2 years?

I wonder if that means I'd die without ever having had sex. Or, another quote from Little Women, "I haven't even been kissed. I've waited my whole life to be kissed!"

I haven't necessarily waited my whole life to be kissed but I have waited my whole life to really connect deeply with a life-partner. And if I'm going to die in 2 years, I don't see how it would be fair to keep looking for a life-partner. The poor guy would be so devastated and I could have stopped that, since I "knew" I wasn't gonna be around in the near future. I just would feel bad to do that to someone.

But I wonder if the most important things we do in our lives have to do with our connections with people. And to not be able to make the ultimate connection with a person, is just so sad.

And I'll never experience sex because I want to have sex with someone I love. So I wouldn't just go do it with someone random.

In "A Prayer for Owen Meany," Owen does a lot of writing. I love writing and so the 2 facts together (my love of writing and Owen Meany writing) has made me feel that maybe what I'd do a lot of during those 2 years, is writing.

But what would I write about? And is it worth writing if possibly almost no one will see it?

It's really not easy to know what to do. I suppose the best thing to do is what you feel like doing. Cause, for example, my immediate reaction to the thought of dying soon, is to stay at home with the people I love.

But next week I'm taking off to Canada. Does that make sense? Well, yes, if that's what I feel I need to do. I obviously need to do something in Canada that I can't do here. So, I need to go in order to do these things.

I'm quite sure I'd want to spend the "end" in Jerusalem with my family. Actually, I know that's what I'd want to do.

So, that leaves me around 1.5 years to do things.

Do I want to do something in connection with my training as a nutritionist?

I guess there are 2 main things I want to accomplish. I want to get to know myself better and help people be happier.

So many people are unhappy. Which people do I want to help?

I want to help people like me, because that's what makes sense. If I get to know myself well and I figure out, please God, a way to make myself happy, I'll be able to help people who are similar to me, to be happy.

How do I want to help them be happier?

Good question.

QE

Yes, I'm gonna die, but more importantly, what about my hair?!

Just to update on my hair situation, it's doing fine. I got lots of compliments on my new haircut (that I did myself, for those who didn't read earlier postings). It's very short and sort of messy looking and I like that. Problem is if it's not the exact right messy. You know these people on the street who you can tell they sit in front of the mirror for hours, making sure every hair is out of place, just in the right way? So, I hope that's not exactly me, but, for example, this morning I was walking on the street and I noticed that my shadow had a tail. Yes, my hair was sticking out in this strange fashion that made my head look like it has a tail.

So, how could that possibly be a good thing?! I started feeling the back of my head, trying to figure out what type of hair trouble this was - was my hair just sticking up funny or is it from being cut unevenly that it's doing that? I'm starting to think it's the latter problem. Those specific hairs are longer, I am thinking, than the others in that area.

Rachella is jealous I have curly hair. Yes, this is a worth-while thing to be jealous of. I have thick, black, curly hair. It's quite nice. Yes, I may as so myself because I have nothing to do with it. I was given (from whoever?!) curly hair.

But just so you know, the drawback of black hair is that it goes white very early. I've had white hairs since high school and now I have areas with quite a bit of white hair. No, I shall not colour it. Let people deal with having to see, oh Lord have mercy!, some white hair.

The big bummer regarding my white hairs is that they have a different texture than the black ones. They are harder and don't curl so nicely. But colouring them won't remedy that so horribly terrible problem.

QE

Know you ARE going to die

In this amazing book that I'm reading, A Prayer for Owen Meany, by John Irving, Owen sees a grave with his name and date of death on it. He freaks out. Then, over the next few years, you see him so busy. He's always doing lots of things. Working really hard.

I think he might have been this way anyway but imagine if you see that you are going to die 5 years from now. Are you gonna just roll up and wait for it to happen or are you going to suddenly get a new fervor to do, do, do?

I was standing on the bus thinking about this, and looking at the people on the bus. Such a lack of energy. Such fatigue. When we know we are possibly going to live 80, 90 or 100 years, though it goes by in a flash, it seems so long that it doesn't make us know that we are going to die. It doesn't force us to think about that. It doesn't give us that push to fill our lives as much as possible with whatever it is we want to fill it.

You ARE going to die. I AM going to die. Yes, I am... As scary as that is, it's going to happen. I am going to be put into the ground and my body is going to decompose. It is going to be disgusting. But it's going to happen and I only have a certain amount of time left here. And the time left is short. Very, very short. I hope to live till 120 : ) but that only leaves me around 93 years left.

QE

What came first, the thought or the event?

There is an idea that if you think and feel positive, more positive things will happen to you. Like, if you want specific things to happen to you in your career, if you focus on feeling like it's gonna happen, the chances of it happening are higher.

I'm a negative thinker. I believe that the chances of being truly happy, of finding the right guy, the right job, etc., are so low that it doesn't even really make sense that these things ever really will happen.

But I'm thinking that my way of thinking is BS.

I volunteer for this woman. She has MS (multiple sclerosis). Besides visiting her a couple of times a week, I also organize for other people to visit her other days of the week.

Now that I'm leaving, we were discussing that I need to find someone else to do the organizing instead of me. I had in my head that I'm never gonna be able to find someone to do it instead of me. Why should I be able to? It's an annoying job and it takes some time.

So she kept asking me if I'd found anyone and I kept saying, Not yet. I could hardly get myself to deal with it because I didn't have the strength to work on something that seemed like a lost cause before I even began.

Long story short: Today I found someone without having to do almost anything at all. It practically fell into my lap.

I'm always so worried about everything. Finding a good job, a good apartment, good roommates, being healthy, happy.........

I'm so scared about showing up in Vancouver without knowing anything. I am so used to thinking like this: How in the world am I going to find a place to live, a job... I don't understand how it could ever work out.

What a waste of energy. And things do work out. Not always and not always exactly how you'd expect or hope but that doesn't mean it's bad. And obviously worrying isn't exactly useful.

QE

"Jo, your one beauty!"

Yes, my hair. That, for those of you who don't know, is a quote from Little Women. Amy says it to Jo when Jo shows up with almost all her hair gone, because she sold it.

My hair. My poor hair. A couple of months ago it was a good bit below my shoulders. Then I got it cut to just below my shoulders. 2 days ago I cut it myself. I cut off a whole chunk so that it was covering a bit of my neck. It was actually a cute cut but I had made a mistake with the layers which made it look a little weird (most people didn't notice, they thought it was nice, but I couldn't stop noticing it) so the next day I cut off a whole other chunk. And today...... I cut more! Now I have what is almost a "boy's haircut." I've cut off so much!!! : (

I shouldn't frown because this is what I wanted to do. I've been dreaming of cutting off all my hair. For years, when I was in high school and after high school for a few years, I had very short hair. Like, seriously a "boy's haircut." For years I grew it out till it was long again. And my hair is really beautiful. But I hate taking care of it and I hate that it's hot. And I hate that it doesn't always look nice. Sometimes it looks weird. Cause, by the way, important piece of information, I have very thick, curly hair. This is important because it is the reason I can cut my own hair. even if it's not totally even, you can't really tell cause of the curls.

Anyway, I'm blabbing on and on because I'm really getting used to the idea that I have no hair again! It's what I wanted! IT'S WHAT I WANTED!!!!! I've been dreaming of chopping it off. But I also want long hair. I want long hair one day, short hair the next. And I don't want it to take years to grow out.

But it will. WAAAAAAAH!!!! It's gonna take years to grow out, though my hair has been growing quickly, lately. Oh man. In a year my hair will maybe, maybe maybe be to my shoulders. I doubt it.

I just remembered something. One of the reasons I grew out my hair the last time was because my aunt regretted having short hair at her wedding. So, I decided I wanted to be sure to have long hair at mine.

That just makes me laugh because for years I've been dating and I didn't get married. You know what, if I actually meet a guy and we decide we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but my hair is short at the wedding, I will be the happiest person! Because I've met a guy I want to be with the rest of my life! Yay that!

Oh my hair. Good thing time cures all. I mean, besides my hair that will grow back (if I decide to let it), I'm gonna get used to this new haircut. I just need to get used to it.

I can't believe I cut off all those beautiful curls!

Oh get over it! They were nice but they annoyed you all the time.

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED!!!

Amazing what one goes through with their hair. Those strands of dead cells on the top of their head. Beautiful, really beautiful.

I think one of the things that makes it so hard is what everyone else says. My family says they really liked my long hair. I have such beautiful hair and now you can't tell. The long hair was nicer. This is nice but... : (

And, Isaac told me he loved my hair long and that I shouldn't cut it. Would he think I'm not beautiful anymore? I'm sure not. But part of me wanted to do it to free myself from him. A little drastic, I'd say. : ) But it was part of what made me do it. Crazy world.

QE

Independence Day, how I'm feeling, Vancouver...

This evening is Independence Day for Israel. For some reason the holiday developed into BBQ day. In Hebrew we call it a mangal. You know how you usually need some type of cardboard or something in order to blow the coals so that they light up properly? Well, in Hebrew that even has a name. A nafnaf. My mom pointed out to me that it says fan fan backwards. I'm not sure if that's on purpose because "linafnef" means to blow, in the way one blows the coals on Independence Day in Israel. Yes, in order to celebrate finally having a country where Jews rule over themselves, we kill animals and cook them. How easily you can make that sound negative.

But it's fun. And tonight I was the one destined to light the BBQ's and then cook the food. I'm not sure how that happened. At some point when my mom asked me to put coals in the BBQ's and get them lit, I started getting a feeling of what was to come. And then when she asked me if I wanted cooking utensils, I really started getting the idea.

So I took on the job with real flair. There were a few highlights of my BBQing. Firstly, in order to blow the coals in the perfect manner, I used, you'll never guess, a flipper. Yes, a scuba-diving flipper. My sisters really got a kick out of that. It still makes me laugh when I think about it. Me standing over the coals, waving the flipper with all my might.

Also, when I was trying to get the fire going, the little kiddies of our family were standing around watching with much interest. I'm sure the fact that I was making a show out of it added to the excitement. Anyway, my little 6-year old sister and my niece of the same age started screaming at the mangal (BBQ), "You stupid mangal! Light!" But I pointed out to them that if you ever want someone to do something, if you call it stupid, it won't do it. But if you show it love, it might do it.

So we started showing love to the mangal. "Oh, you lovely mangal! Please light! We want to eat. I love you so much!!!" Finally, it lit.

Of course the mangal dance was also pivotal in the lighting ceremony. 4 little kids and I held hands around the mangal and danced around singing, "Mangal, mangal, light light light," or something like that.

But here is the most major highlight of the whole evening. My dad complimented me on my BBQ-ing. He said usually when you go to a BBQ, the food is either raw or burnt. And, amazingly, mine was all cooked perfectly!

My dad is not easy to please in the food department and so I basked in his compliment for hours.

All in all, a fun evening had by all.

QE

P.S. My BBQ-ing secret was that I flipped the food quite often. Other times, the food burnt because it was left on one side for too long. : )

kipot, boy, nervous, crazy day

I crochet. I mostly make kippas. Those are head-coverings that Jewish guys wear. There are different styles. Check out this funny site for pictures.

I had a telemarketing job a couple of months ago. I was sitting with my headset up, crocheting. This guy saw and wanted to pay me to crochet him a kippa. I said for sure. But then I quit my job so it took us a really long time till we actually met up.

Yesterday, finally we met. We actually met by the shuk of Jerusalem. It's an open market full of character.

Hmmm, I thought, this boy is a little cute. He bought me fresh carrot and apple juice (the guy makes in on the spot). We walked around a bit cause he had to take out money and then he had to break a bill in order to pay me. That's when he bought us juice.

Afterwards I smsed him to thank him for the juice and tell him I was really happy he liked the kippa. He smsed me back asking me if maybe we could get together before I leave. I said, sure and that he should call me when he wants to meet.

I'm complimented he asked to meet me. I put the ball back in his court because that's how I want to do it. If he really wants to meet me, he'll have to call me. I sort of hope he calls cause though I don't see big things developing from this, I feel like meeting him.

We'll see if he calls!

Nervous... Today I'm a little nervous. Because I have all these things I need to do and this evening is Independence Day. That's Israel for you. We have the sad day right next to the happy day. Actually, that's Judaism. Anyway, today I need to go to a government office. I need to visit this woman I volunteer with. I need to meet this girl to talk about my trip and I need to wait at home for my computer tech to bring me back my computer.

I can't figure out how all these things fit together and it makes me nervous because I want/need to do all these things.

Crazy day.

Oh, I also need to help my mom cause we're having a BBQ tonight for which we need to prepare.

QE

Remembrance Day in Israel

Today is remembrance day in Israel. It is the day to remember all the people who have died and been killed in order for us to be able to be in Israel. All the soldiers and civilians killed in terrorist attacks.

The most unique thing about this day (and Holocaust Memorial day which is exactly 1 week before Remembrance Day) is that there is a siren that is sounded during which everyone stops what they are doing and stands still in order to remember those who have died.

So, if you are driving along a busy main street in Tel Aviv, when the siren goes off, everyone stops their cars, gets out and stands next to it. The people walking on the sidewalks also stop walking. It is one of the most awesome things you could ever witness.

QE

Other's blogs and other stuff

Since Rachella mentioned happening upon my blog, I decided to check out other people's blogs as well. I went around a bit. There's some interesting stuff. I posted a comment on someone's blog and afterwards realized I don't have any way to find his blog again. Funny. Some people have good things to say. There is definitely a lot of boring stuff.

But one thing that I noticed was that I am critical and/or competitive regarding other people's blogs. It's scary to see how big the world is. As long as I just write my blog and that's it, I can imagine I'm special. But then, when I start reading other's blogs, I get such a strong fear of, in fact, not being special at all.

I want to be special. I want my writing to be special. I want people to think I'm special. But how can I be special when there are so many people and chances are I'm mediocre?

The whole idea of specialness is interesting to me. Truth is everyone is supposed to be special. Everyone is special, right?

I wanted to write more but I need to go babysit my niece.

QE

There is truth in everything, or else there is truth in nothing

Thinking lots about happiness

I'm thinking a lot about happiness. Because I want it and it seems most people don't have it. And I guess part of me believes it's totally possible to be happy so I want to know what the happy people are doing right and the unhappy people are doing wrong.

Which makes me realize even moreso how much I believe that most of a person's happiness stems from something internal. It's something you work on. You only have so much control over what you have, get, etc. In other words, over the external part of your life. But your attitudes, outlooks, etc., you have much more control over. These are the things I believe you need to work on in order to be happy, whether you've got a Ferrari or not. : )

QE

Internal or External and Happiness

What do you need in order to truly be happy?

Buying a new dress makes you feel happy, right? Well, that's external. And what if you can't get the new dress? Does that make you unhappy?

In Breakfast at Tiffany's the guy says you've gotta face facts about life and that people fall in love and it's the only way you have a chance of ever really being happy.

Falling in love with someone. Is that external or internal?

It's probably both but first, lets say it's external.

To fall in love with someone, you need the someone. Without that someone, you will not be able to fall in love. What if that someone never comes along? That means the externality of "someone" is needed in order to fall in love. So it's external.

But falling in love is an emotion, sort of. It's something that happens internally.

OK, ready to hear what I think?

Yes, external things can help make you happy but it's ALL about your internal state that will actualize an external experience into the happiness.

That is why, one person will need to eat gourmet while someone else can eat a piece of bread with butter (yum!) and both could be equally happy. It's all about the internal.

I believe happiness is internal. External things can help. Like, Isaac showing such appreciation for me. Almost falling in love with me (as he said), telling me how beautiful I am, helped. It made me feel good which made me feel happier than I had been.

But it was never enough because of how I feel inside.

Man, I feel like it's so hard for me to explain and I actually don't feel able to right now. Especially since it's a bit late, I'm tired, and I wanna go to sleep.

I'll just end with one question. If someone is very poor or the love of their life died, or something very sad like that, is it possible for them to "still" be happy?

QE

It's 1 month

I just watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. I'm watching a lot of movies that I get totally different things out of them than I did when I watched them a few months or years ago. It's a pretty silly movie, a lot of it. But there is so much that speaks to me in that movie.

But my title is "It's 1 month." I just realized that it's exactly 1 month since Isaac wrote me that 1st email in which he told me he had feelings for me. It was the 26th of March. I don't usually remember dates. Maybe it's because he's special to me. Maybe because it was 4 days before my birthday (March 30th).

It makes me so sad things aren't as simple as they are in movies. I suppose that's for the best.

QE

actually, not much to say at all

Why would I feel like writing here when I don't really feel like I have anything to write? Also, isn't that a little inconsiderate for my potential readers? That you might end up having to read something that has higher potential of being boring? And, wouldn't it also lower my chances of being read, now and in the future?

So, isn't this all in all a very bad decision?

Tisk tisk tisk... It really makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I'm a very bad person.

Makes sense, no? I do very bad thing. This makes me very bad.

And that lowers my chances of being read, even more. Because why would you want to read something written by someone so bad?

Or actually, maybe this raises my chances of being read. Because people, on a certain level, crave very bad things.

QE

Seems I really am, LEAVING ON A JETPLANE!!!

I actually now own a plane ticket. Yes, it is sitting in my desk drawer. Truth is, it's an e-ticket which means it's just a piece of paper printed from the travel agent's computer. But it's a ticket nonetheless (I love saying, "nonetheless").

I'm going to Toronto. From there I hope I'll still have the guts to continue to Vancouver.

I can't write anymore this second cause I'm using my dad's computer and he just told me he needs it.

QE

Isaac, Holocaust memorial day, travelling, money, emotions

This morning I wrote a letter to Isaac which I knew I couldn't send yet but I was planning on sending it when I'd anyway need to send him a letter. Yes, a little psycho.

Then, I was out for a few hours. On my way home I was imagining that I'd arrive home and see I had an email from him. He'd write that he needs to speak to me. I'd call him and apologize for not calling right away, because I was out so I didn't get his email right away.

And when I got home, I checked my email and I actually did have an email from him! Pretty crazy, no?

Today is Holocaust memorial day. At 10:00am there is a siren (like an air-rade siren but one you can differentiate from the one that tells you to go into your bomb shelters) during which, everyone stops everything and stands to remember the Jews killed in the Holocaust.

It's amazing to experience this, especially when you are on the street. People stop their cars in the middle of the road, get out and stand next to them.

The same thing is done here on memorial day for the fallen soldiers and people killed in terrorist attacks. On that day (which is a week from today) there is a siren the evening of and then in the morning.

Anyway, so Isaac wrote me this extremely short email, asking me if I make sure to stand during the siren.

He's so funny... I can't figure out why he felt the need to write that to me. OK, there are at least 3 important things I can think of. Firstly, it is something that is really important to him and he needs to know (not that it matters at this moment, but if we end up back together in the future...) this because if I said no, that would be a very serious thing for him. Secondly, he just thinks about me tons and so this question came up. Thirdly, he's feeling especially sad today and felt the need to be in contact with me.

Anyway, I wrote him that I've finalized a date for my travelling to Canada. I'm leaving the 11th of May.

Turns out I have a ridiculously small amount of money. Oy! It's freaking me out. My dad has started telling me that he understands if I need to take money from him. It just made me cry cause I so didn't want to be dependant on him. Part of me wishes so much I could support myself for this. I feel like it somehow makes me trip so much less "me" if I can't even finance it properly, myself. It's very upsetting.

I got a great Vancouver contact. It seems like she is going to be so helpful with finding a place to live and a job. She's actually here right now and she's willing to meet me. Yay!

I need to end right now but emotions... I wrote "emotions" in the subject. Well, they are flying all over the place. Excited, terrified, sad, lonely, hopeful...

QE

Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend

There is a song on the radio which I love. Those are the main words of the song. Then it also goes:

"You have been the one. You have been the one for me."

I miss Isaac. I miss having someone. I'm lonely.

QE

Depression me now!

There were 2 things that made my therapist think that maybe, just maybe, I have a slight case of depression. Oh, sorry, Depression, with a capital "d."

1. I don't know if I ever remember being really happy. There is always a part of me that is outside of a situation, an experience, thinking, thinking thinking. That voice going, "Hmmm, am I really comfortable right now? Not really." Or, "Yeah, so that joke is hilarious... But what, really, is the meaning of life anyway? How can I laugh when I don't even know if there is any meaning to anything?"

2. I can't imagine ever!!!! truly being happy. I can't imagine that such a thing could actually ever exist. The idea boggles my mind. I am scared to hope for it since I don't see how it's possible that it even exists.

So she told me she wants me to see a psychiatrist so he can diagnose me, or not. After she said that, I needed to decide if I want to do that or not.

The question is, is it good to be labeled? Is it good to be diagnosed? Are these diagnoses helpful, truthful, useful? Are they possibly detrimental? Maybe knowledge is power and knowing you are prone to depression helps you understand yourself more. Maybe it helps you identify when it's your "depressed voice" speaking.

Maybe, on the other hand, it could be detrimental. You have an "excuse" to be a certain way. And since we're talking about a biochemical imbalance here, there's not much you can do! You're screwed! You're doomed. You will probably be offered meds which either you take and become dependent on (and that in itself is a whole other story) or you don't take them but you know that there is this constant imbalance...

...supposedly...

Maybe this conventional stuff is too into deciding exactly what supposed disease you have, put you on meds that will supposedly make you all better, without actually paying attention to the whole picture. Maybe it makes a hell of a lot of sense to feel down all the time because you've been spending years and years trying to live this screwed up, unhealthy way, which was the way you believed you were supposed to live and if that was the way to live, then it makes sense that in your mind you couldn't see how it could ever be that you would be truly happy!

Maybe you never felt truly happy because you were too busy trying to fill the roles you thought you needed to fill!

Anyway, as my friend so eloquently said, "SCREW THE GIRDLE!!!!!!"

QE

Dear Isaac,

I miss you. Today a girl with whom I'm friendly asked me if it didn't work out between us because of sex. I asked her what she meant and she said that maybe it didn't work out because you wanted to have sex and I didn't.

Oh, how wrong that is. Well, I know you probably want to have sex (you said some things hinting strongly towards that) but you were so understanding and gentle regarding touch. You didn't want to do something unless I wanted it too. You understood that I needed to be slow, very, very slow.

For me, holding your hand was a big deal. That made it a big deal for you too. You understood that if it was a big deal for me to be holding your hand, you should appreciate that act. And you did.

How sweet of you. It makes me want to give you a hug, a kiss on your cheek and to call you, "chamud." (that means cute/sweet in Hebrew).

I only begin to understand how special you are for this (besides everything else). You're so funny because you used to remind me of this. You'd say, "You know, I'm not a typical secular guy. A typical secular guy would not necessarily be so accepting and understanding the way I am." You wanted to make sure I got it (I find that so sweet).

I get it. I'm scared I'll never again find someone who is as cool as you. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just end you with you, at a different time and a different place in both of our lives. A time and place when the potential can come to be.

QE

Depression?

Today my therapist told me, because of different things I said, that she's worried I might have a slight case of Clinical Depression.

LABEL ME NOW OR DIE!!!

Give me the label. Give me the meds. And I'll be on my way.

I have more to write but I can't continue at this moment.

Stay tuned!

QE

Religions are like (fad) diets

Here is my latest insight which, in my opinion, is ingenious. : )

A diet is often, or even usually, a way of eating in order to reach a certain goal, that one person or a (small?) group of people tried. If it "succeeded" (whatever that means), they try to project the outcome on the rest of the society/world/humanity.

OK, so small amount of people try 1 thing. When they decide it's good for themselves, they decide it must be good for everyone, or almost everyone, and so they "sell" it to everyone, or almost everyone.

In turn, when people hear about the "success" of this specific diet, they decide it's worth a try or maybe, even, that finally their savior is here, and they try the diet themselves.

And religion? Well, I'm guessing that most religions are the same. How many people are truly connecting to a deeper truth, as much as is possible for them, through the religious rituals they are doing?

I think most religions are ways of being that someone/a group of people came up with for themselves and when they were at least somewhat "successful" in whichever way they hoped, it sold to others.

So, for example, someone, somewhere worked fervently to come up with these new ways of being Jewish. Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist... But the people that join afterwards aren't necessarily getting close to what they need to get while practicing within the structure that was built.

A religion is successful, in my opinion, when people practicing it feel they are given as good tools as possible in order to connect in their way and as deeply as they personal can, to as deep a truth possible.

And diets? Well, screw them. They are crap. They don't work and they are a waste of energy, happiness, money and anything else that goes into a diet. People end up more miserable, more unhealthy and with a deeper sense of self-hate than they would if they never stepped into a diet to begin with.

QE

I'm so lonely, so empty

I feel so alone. So sad. And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm not alone. I have my family. I have friends.

But I am alone. I am so alone. So lonely...

I am like this empty container. Full of a vacuum. It pulls towards it anything and everything. I hunger to talk to people. To communicate. To connect.

But I'm in a different place than I used to me. That really used to be how I was. Now, I have that part of me but another part is antisocial. Doesn't want to connect. Fears connecting.

I pull with one arm and push away with my other.

I used to get so excited about making a new friend with someone who I really liked right when I met them. Now, I remind myself that so often, shortly after connecting with those people, I got sick of them. I got annoyed with them. I didn't want to be connected to them anymore.

So Deena, I say, slow down! Don't be in such a hurry to make a new connection.

So here I am, feeling so terribly alone.

QE

I am so defensive about others' ideas and opinions

Oh wow!!! As I was logging into blogger, thinking about the title of this posting, I got an epiphany. I was thinking about my defensiveness and wondering why I'm like that. Why can't I listen to other people's opinions without feeling uncomfortable and feeling the need to argue? Why is it that when I'm talking to someone, I'm so nervous? I feel like I really, really, really need to get my point across. I'm worried I won't. I'm worried the person won't get it...

Why?! Why am I so stressed out about all of this?

Remember I've been writing about feeling very unsure of myself? Feeling uncomfortable with who I am, etc. So, because of that, I am always worried that what someone else will say or what they believe, is going to question my being. It's like, can Esther's being survive an argument? Will she feel whole at the end or that part of her was bitten of and chewed?

Besides the negative aspect, of my being being questioned when I interact with other people, I am also always desperately looking for something that will affirm my being. If he says this, I'm OK. It means I am good. If he says that, I know I can continue on my way. But if he says this and that and that, I'm in big trouble!!!

It goes back to the idea that I don't feel like I have a core inside of me. That pillar that even after a tornado, it's still there, standing. I want my pillar!!!

I WANT MY PILLAR!

QE

I feel so empty

I am always searching, searching, searching... For that thing that really will fill me up. Where is it? What is it? I check my email, seriously, I have no idea how many times a day. Even now that I know (well, you never really know) that Isaac isn't going to be writing me, I still am hoping for that salvation from somewhere. And what better place to hope for it from than email? Than internet?

I used to be on these dating website and then I could always hope to have a message from a guy from the site. But I deleted my profiles because I realized how unhealthy it had gotten for me. I was using it in an addictive kind of way.

All these external things, through which I try to fill myself. It's so futile.

Being with Isaac felt like a more real way to fill myself than other ways. His appreciation of me. His affection towards me. The soooo nice things he said to me. They filled me up. They were like fuel in a car. I felt the energy it gave me. It was so wonderful... Don't get me wrong. It's not as if the whole relationship was wonderful. We had lots of problems and it makes sense we stopped dating. But God is it sad. God is it hard. It was so nice being appreciated.

He said these things to me that I could feel physically when he said them. I loved it.

But all of this is external. I believe we need people. We need each other. A major part of living is needing and giving to each other. But we must know how to build strength from within. We should not be totally dependent on others. We should have a strong core that keeps us standing strong.

I don't have that. I feel like I have nothing inside. I don't know what it is that keeps me going. But it's not very strong. Maybe it's a hope, a dream. But I don't own a strong sense of self. I suppose that what I own is a strong will to find and acquire my strong sense of self.

This excitement I feel when I write that is so backward. OK, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. It's not so backward.

I have this hope that I'll work on myself and Isaac will work on himself, and then, when we meet up again after a certain amount of time, we will both be in much better places, in which, we can build a wonderful, healthy relationship.

Why is this dream backwards? Because what I should be hoping for is a strong sense of self and self worth and that I should find a place in which I will be happy. I cannot know if this place will be a good one with which to build a relationship with Isaac. So that should not be my focus. See, I still have him in my mind and heart so that I feel like my decisions are somewhat affected by him.

I feel bound to him by my hair. He has told me he doesn't want me to cut my hair because he loves it how it is. I wasn't necessarily gonna cut my hair but now I feel like I don't really want to because "when" we get back together, I want him to be attracted to me. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I specifically should cut my hair in order to free myself from him.

It feels so screwed up but this is my being bound.

Also, with my religious journey, on the one hand I want to end up in a place that could work with Isaac, on the other hand I don't want these decisions, which are some of the most important in my life, should be affected by something external.

What in the world is my point? I'm not sure anymore. I know this post started off being about emptiness. I'm sure there is a connection here but now I'm too tired to figure this out.

QE